Feeling very guilty over huge punishment

I feel so bad over this punishment my 5 yr old is going through. Really, I think the punishment is too big, but do not have much choice.

I enrolled him and his brother in swim lessons for 2 weeks. The first day, things went awful. It was the rec center's fault. They had too many children in the class. And one boy kept hitting, kicking, splashing, and even spitting on my son. The teacher was not paying enough attention to stop it, even though I kept trying to get his attention to put an end to it. Then, at the end, the teacher told all the kids they could go down the slide. There were lots of lessons going on at the same time and ending at the same time and DS5 was at the back of the line so he did not get to the top for 20 minutes. When he got there, he was the last one and they said he was too short and could not go. He looked tall enough by the sign at the bottom of the slide but they said it did not matter, the one at the top is what they use. Lovely. But in my opinion, once the teacher told him to go, even if my son were a foot too short, he should have been allowed to go. How can I teach my child to do what the teacher says and respect the teacher, when the teacher tells him to do something and then he is not allowed to do it after waiting quietly and patiently for 20 minutes?

So that was Monday. DS 5 yrs old said he was never going back. I complained to the community center about how awful things were, from the spitting to the lack of supervision to the slide issue. They claimed things would be better the second day and give them a try again and they would speak to the instructor about it. But, when it was time to leave on Tuesday, DS5 ran off and hid. he does that sometimes in our house and we cannot find him. Fortunately, our house is very childproof and we have a security system and such so he is not at risk when this happens, (unless the house is on fire) but he needs to come when we tell him to. We could not find him and after a few minutes, I had to go or 7 yr old son would be late. When I got to the rec center, I withdrew him from the class. I do not want to pay $70 for 8 classes when he is skipping them.

Then today, Wednesday, it was time to go to swim lessons and I told ds7 yrs old to put on his swim suit and 5 yr old wanted to go swim too and I had to tell him no. He will not be swimming for June. Swim lessons fill up fast and I had to enroll them months ago and the next round of lessons I have him in are not until July 13. The pool is not even open during swim lesson time so it is not like I can take him swim while the other one is in lessons. Even if I could, that would be an unfair reward for hiding in the house. We do not have a pool in our neighborhood and such so it is not like we can just run off and go swimming on our own.

So I feel awful, really awful. Now he is going to have to watch his brother get his swimsuit on and go off swimming every day, while he sits at home, inside the house as it is too hot to do anything outside but swim. I feel like he is too young at just turned 5 to understand that he cannot swim or play in the water until half way through the summer. I am quite depressed over this myself. But I guess I should just be glad that the house was not on fire or something when he hid this time. But the consequences seem so harsh. Obviously, these are natural consequences that I cannot really do anything about to change, but it still is sad. So he will not be swimming at all this summer until mid July. Oh, and when I registered them for the lessons, he was with me and was so excited that he came home and put on his swimsuit and wore it for days. He is small and "not advanced" at all for his age so he just was not getting the notion that the lessons did not start for a couple months.

 

Stick to your guns. It is a tough lesson but an important one. Just enroll him in July's classes. And hope it is better. Personally I would have wanted my money back and pulled my child out of the pull the first time the other child hit them, walked them to the instructor and demanded something be done. JMO

I'm sure he is mad but he will get over it.

 

His older brother is still going and they did improve things. But ds5 needs to learn to do what he is told. If the house had been on fire and he is hiding, what would have happened? Did you know where I live, if your child is enrolled in public school and you show up late (it takes more than once, but I think it is 3 times that it takes) then the parents have to go to court and can be put in jail even? He is not in public school, but if the house had been on fire or there had been some other emergency and he did this hiding bit, there could have been serious serious consequences.

 

Hugs to you.... but you know the lesson learned may pay off for you in the end.
Sometimes the punishment it so much tougher on the Mom's & Dad's who dealt it rather than the kiddos!!!

 

Yes, I think the punishment is too much. But that's just my opinion. I think telling him he couldn't swim for a week would be fine, but not for that long a time.

You do need to deal with the hiding. I think you need to come up with a consequence for that, one he understands willl happen EVERY TIME he hides, no matter where you're going. He needs to understand that, when it's time to go, he needs to come RIGHT AWAY. You WILL NOT play that game with him!

I also think it's ok to tell a kid that Mommy was a little "out of line" on that punishment. After careful consideration, you have decided that the punishment is unfair. I think I would tell him that, tell him he has so many more days of not swimming, and then explain to him what the future consequence for hiding will be.

 

I cannot get him in to another swim lesson until July 13, that is why he won't be able to swim until then. We don't have our own pool. Enrolling him in the swim lessons was his chance to go swim at that place. That is how it ended up being this way. These lessons all filled up back in April, but I had enrolled him in lessons for both 2 weeks in June and 2 weeks in July. So it was not that I want to say no swimming until July, it is that the lessons were his chance to go swim. Once he dropped out due to his refusal to go, he lost his chance to swim.

 

OK, I'm confused. So you are taking lessons, but they don't have any Open Swim time? The only way they can swim in during lessons? Then you have no choice over it!

 

I am sure they do, I just was not making 2 trips and paying extra to return later for open swim. There is not any open swim during lessons though. There is an open swim right after lessons where the kids can stay for. Or you can be a member and swim that way. So we could buy a membership. I do not know what hours the members are allowed to swim. But when you pay for lessons, they let you stay and swim after your lesson time when the pool opens then. But it is a place where you are supposed to be members. I did pay to get in one time without a membership last year. But it cost over $20 for my family so it would not be something we would do often, and definitely would not want to do when we just got in based on the swim lessons..see what I am saying?

 

Let me explain better. It is a community activity center. You can join for the year, which is $500 I think. That is a family membership. Last year, when they first opened, they allowed you to purchase a 1 day thing to try it out. I do not know if they do it anymore. But, you pay more to take the lessons when you are not a member. So I paid $70 a child. As a result, they do their lessons and just as the lessons end, the pool opens. Generally, to get in the building, you have to have a membership. But they said when the kids come for swim lessons, they can just stay after to swim.

Because I am quite pregnant now and it is in the mid 90's, I do not want to stay for hours at the pool so I really do not want to pay for the entire years membership just to swim over the summer. With the baby coming, I won't likely really be able to come closer to that time and after the birth. Plus, as far as I can tell, there won't be anything for the smaller children to do once the pool closes. So $500 is a lot for just swimming. There is a town not too far away that also has a pool we can go to. They cost less, but for a season pass it is a few hundred, I don't know what it is for non-residents. The community center that is closer and is $500 has stuff like exercise machines for the adults and runs year round.

 

GOT IT!!! That makes sense!!!

 

Honestly, I don't think it sounds much like a punishment, just like a reasonable measure you had to take.

 

stick to your guns, there is nothing you can do if right now. He can't swim during lesson, maybe this is what he needed to learn who knows.

But, if it was me I am with Jackie I would talk to him about the hiding thing and when it's time to go it's time to go.

I really would do something about that before it gets way out of hand.

 

Do any local schools around you have a pool? I know our local schools have open swim time a few times a week & it's only like $2-$3 dollars & then have a family amount as well.

I know when I was pg we had to "pool sit" for a neighbor & I LOVED being in the pool... ahhh the weight off your back was awesome!!!

 

I agree!

 

Sometimes natural consequences are harsh. I think it is good for kids to learn that. Because we can commute consequences that we set, kids begin to think we can always give them a "get out of jail free" card whenever we want to. It is good for them to periodically learn that we can't always fix the consequences of their bad choices. You could possibly use this as a way to explain the potentially dangerous and irreversible consequences of hiding in the house when you are calling him. So, chin up...it's only a month, he'll not be scarred for life from it, and he is beginning to learn a very valuable lesson. (If you still need to assuage your guilt, I recommend medicating yourself with chocolate. I'm pretty sure that it cures all that ails you.)

 

LOL, I will go with the chocolate.

 

I agree! HE made the choice, not you! As you said, it is VERY dangerous to hide and not come out when called! That's worth the punishment he got in itself! He has somehow got to realize that the hiding like that is totally unacceptable!

I wouldn't feel guilty if I was you! It's better to have a harsh sentence now, that could possibly protect him, or any of the rest of the family trying to find him, from very serious consequences later, should there be a fire or something like that! He needs to have consequences that mean something to him every single time he hides! That scares me, and I'd be explaining that to him every single day until he gets sick of hearing it, which would mean it's stuck in his brain, and he'll remember! Maybe you can do fire drills, and practice coming when he's called or something!

Okay, go get more chocolate, which will give you the strength to work on this better!

 

OH, that's REALLY not wise!!! Next thing you know, they'll ban chocolate along with Cheerios!!! So PLEASE keep comments like that out of the conversation, please!!! LOL!

 

7 yr old late or not, I wouldn't have left a 5 yr old alone in the house!! You are absolutely right there could have been serious consequences, irregardless of your security system. Man, it gives me chills to think of it!

 

Yes Becky I was thinking the same thing.

To the OP - did you seriously leave a 5 yr old alone (because he was hiding) to take your other child to swim lessons??

That (to me) is the bigger issue here! I would never have left my 5 yr old child alone in the home! Anything can happen and at that age they are not prepared to handle whatever situation may arise.

Yes your 5 yr old needs to learn there are consequences to his actions but I would have found him before I left. I never would have left a 5 yr old alone!