I am so confused! Can you tell me why you home school? We home school for many different reasons...... When I took my children out of the public school system I really wanted to be around people who weren't so harsh and judgemental. (That is just one of the many reason we are home) We have joined a new local church to us at the same time. Everything was new different and exciting. Let's just say how different it is now.... First, my kids wanted to be in the Christmas pagent at Church. So, for one of the practices I left my kids and a friend offered to bring them home after. While waiting for the practice another friend of mine her son had slammed my sons head into a wall during basketball..... When I was told I asked who helped my son? Deer in the head light looks...... Then, the following week when I went to drop my son and daughter off I was asked to take my son home. Because she had to speak to him a couple times about being quiet. Honestly, a 10 year old little boy with ADHD standing in a line for 2 hours with his friends and not being able to speak...... I guess shame on me for leaving him but really????? Then we were at our local homeschool meeting and the boys had left their science class and went into the bathroom to wash hands. I don't know I think boys will be boys and within a group of them they tend to do stupid things sometimes. One of the boys picked up a can of air freshener and started to spray it then all got involved. When I saw my son after class his eyes were red and it streamed down his face. So, the mother of the other boys came up to angry and told me what happened. I said, Oh, I know...Then she stood there waiting for me to deal with the situation. I didn't give in and I will never make a specticle of a child. So, when we got in the car I said to my son, "Really, was that fun?" He said, "No" I asked, "Are you ever going to do it again?" His response, "Never" So, I let it go..... Now, I have found that my kids are picked on, made fun of and looked at through a microscope of these people. I know we aren't perfect. I really don't ever expect anyone else to be. I have shared before how my kids were picked on my the babysitter kids who are homeschoolers. Oh, and I was told by another parent because my son had a rated M game for one of his game systems her boys weren't allow to come here for a sleepover. urgh..... So, my son who despertaley wants friends got rid of it. My motto is to NEVER make a spectical of a child and to NOT judge someone else because I haven't walked in their shoes.... As soon as I start to even think something judgemental I think of that..... Its it me?????
For the basketball incident, whoever was in charge should've been there for the one who got hurt. If I leave my kids with someone, I want them to protect them. It wasn't any other parents' job to do that. They were probably standing around waiting for the child's parent to step in (I know I would have). You left them with someone. Was that someone still there? They should've been. If my kids make a scene in a bathroom, you can BET I'll be all over them, and I don't care who's watching. This actually DID happen to my oldest at camp last year. He and a group of boys were running, screaming, and slamming stall doors. That's completely out of character for my shy son, but the other boys were doing it, so he joined in to be cool. The teacher jumped all over the whole group, and I don't blame her. If one of the kids hadn't been punished, I'd be furious. ... and I agree with not letting my kids go to someone's house if their games are rated M. Kids aren't "mature", and the reason some of the games are rated that are reasons that I, as an adult, would not even play. I don't think anyone is making a spectacle of your kids, but I do think you're being just as judgemental as these parents are. Perhaps these parents felt justified in saying or doing whatever they said/did simply because they're bringing their kids up differently than you are. Everyone has their own parenting style and their own standards. If you feel someone is too strict or too lax in their judgement of their own kids, you certainly wouldn't put your kids in their mix. It's the same with all those other parents.
I agree with the fact that the person who I left my children with should have stepped in and help my son with the basketball incident. But, she didn't. I did ask her why and she told me she didn't see it but heard about it. I will say it was the last time I ever left my kids with her. Especially, since they were suspose to be doing play rehearsal and not basketball. As far as the bathroom room incident. My son was hurt in it. I really didn't feel the need to add insult to injury. We all have made mistakes in life and my belief is that love covers. As far as being judgemental maybe you are getting the wrong picture. I guess because a child's doesn't have a "M" game that they are raised better. But, for those children to come up and call my kids a retard and make fun of them is okay. At least my son was mature enough to realise how it made the other parent feel and got rid of the game, when I explained it to him. But, this other child can't get rid of his mind set! Life is a journey and full of mistakes and mishaps. Fundementally, I believe it is wrong to make a specticle of child. I will correct my children in a loving manner in our own privacy. That is how I would want the Lord to deal with me and I believe that he is gentle and thankful for his mercies that are new every morning.
I'm sorry, and I'm not sure I understood your entire post 100%. So forgive me if my posts is off target. As for being rowdy and obnoxious in the bathroom, I would've stepped in and had a few good words with my son. Right then. I strongly believe that you shouldn't allow your kids to develop the go-with-the-crowd mentality. You should teach your children that some behavior is rude or obnoxious (and how to identify said-behavior using their own good sense) and that if the group begins doing it, they should leave. Right away. Preferably they should tell, but no matter what they should leave. By 10 years old, a child should know this well and not need mom their to coach or remind them. Even a child with ADHD. I would definitely NOT allow my child to sleepover with a friend whose parents allowed them to own Mrated games either. These video games are no joke, they are excessively violent and many M-rated games have graphic depictions of sex in them which are even worse than watching sex scenes in a movie because the player of the game has to participate in them. Some M-rated games even allow you to buy prostitutes and you have the option of killing the prostitute after ward. I'm sorry, but it says something to me about the PARENTS that allow their children to have M-rated games or own R-rated films or who regularly watch certain channels on TV like MTV and BET. At best it shows me that the parents have no discretion/indulge their children and at worse they have values that are drastically different from my own (or no values at all) and either way since I wouldn't be around to supervise said play dates or sleep overs, I wouldn't let them go. Period. If my child were really fond of this kid, I MIGHT talk to the parents and then invite said child over to MY HOUSE where I can control what they get into, but I still don't know what this kid will say or how he'll behave. If the child showed they were disrespectful, foul-mouthed or obnoxious I would NEVER allow them back over. I'm sorry, but as a parent, my first responsibility is to my OWN children. If some little kids feelings get hurt, oh well. I have to protect my own. Also you should know how to discipline with out making a spectacle of your child. All you had to do was ask your son the same question right then. When you refuse to do ANYTHING about your kids, You send the message that your children are allowed to be rowdy, obnoxious, destructive and/or disrespectful of others property and its no problem with you when you let your children get away with stuff. All you had to do was say "I just found out what my son did and I will deal with him the moment we are in private" or "I make it my policy not to punish my children when I am angry, but this WILL be dealt with." I'm sorry your son was hurt in basketball. Who ever you'd left the child with was responsible for helping your son. It would've been nice if everyone had stepped in, but who ever was watching them was the one who, in my opinion, was obligated to do so. It was good of the mother to tell you what happened, since I'm assuming your son didn't. I think there is more to that standing in line for 2 hours quietly bit. What where they waiting for, why couldn't they sit or play somewhere else?
First, let me say I am sorry you and your children are feeling this way. I imagine the others are not trying to hurt your feelings or anything, and I think a lot could be solved by talking to them. Secondly let me say that there are a couple of M games my son is also allowed to play - they do not contain sex, drug or alcohol references, but I do understand that not all other kids are allowed to play them, so when other kids are over their parents are asked first. If they aren't allowed, then those games are not turned on. I don't think that reflects that I allow any ol' thing to go on at my house, or that I allow my kids to act ugly or mean, to have a bad attitude, or to be disrespectful to ANYONE, kids and adults alike. Now, I will say that maybe you could have the mother know that you will deal with things later when it came to the bathroom incident. And maybe you should talk to your son about the whole standing in line and being quiet situation. (Though I feel you there, my son is NOT a quiet, stand-still kind of person, esp when he is bored!) Anyway, before you judge the others, I suggest you talk to them. I truly think that talking things out honestly can help situations SO much!! Big hugs!!
Pecangrove, Thank you....I hated the M game as well. It wasn't a bad one either but my husband okayed it. urgh.... As we have stated before being unequally yoked is so hard. Its not like that is all he did. My son is a huge outside kid. Can't keep him in, so its wasn't that big of a deal. I never allow any child to play a video game without asking the child, "Do your parents allow you to play video games and are you allowed to play this one?" I guess I am not use to someone looking so closely to everything. To the point of telling me I need to have a conversation with my husband about me not working anymore. When I spoke to my husband about it his response was Oh, then maybe we can send our bill's there. urgh... I do love this person and support in every way that I can. But, I just feel that I am not doing anything right. That is what hurts the most I guess. Then to have one of her children name calling and others things to mine hurts as well. I am trying to figure out how to handle it.
So this is really one person that's causing the bad feelings? I say you talk to her and let her know how her remarks make you feel. Then the ball is in her court. Either she can keep her opinions to herself, or cut her lose. I am not about to waste my life having someone in it that causes me to feel like I am failing or that causes my children to feel that way. If you don't have to be around her, then don't. Life is short. Be around those that help you, that lift you up, that support you. Bringing you down is NOT what a friend does.
Cherry, I could have written your exact post just a few short years ago. My advice: RUN! Run as fast as you can away from that environment. Well, actually I shouldn't say that. Have you talked one-on-one with the parents who you have the offense with? I shouldn't assume they won't soften with their harshness toward your child just because that is what happened with our situation. We had parents who wouldn't let their kids come to our house because of PG-13 movies (think LOTR), but they would let their boys beat the snot out of mine and not step in while I went on a wild rampage to rescue my son--during our homeschool co-op in front of everyone. When I confronted the mom afterwards, she informed me that she feels it is important to let the boys develop their own relationships. No joke. Dress shirts, ties, respectable hair cuts and fist flying. No thank-you. Anyway, for my son's preservation, we ended up getting out of there and never looking back. It took a long time for ds to get over all the things that happened with that particular family. Years later at the mention of their name he tenses up. I will say, about the bathroom incedent....I would have handled it a bit differently. I would have ushered my child to the room they were in and taken all the other parents and boys invovled with me. After assessing the situation--and securing the necessary cleaning supplies--the boys would have learned real fast what the natural consequences of such a field day bring. Then, when we got alone I would have dealt with any lessons my individual child needed to learn. Just my parenting style, but I do believe kids need to learn to "fix" the problems they create for others immediately. Sorry to write a book, but evidentally, the scars that situation caused us are still there.
See, this is a big difference between me and many other parents. I fully intend to teach my children how to fight from early on. And put them and keep them in martial arts through out their young life. Ideally from 2+ years of age. I think its important. By "how to fight" I mean the mechanics and the morals of fighting. I was beaten up several times as a little girl because I was taught to never hit or hurt someone, I didn't even fight back, I only worked at trying to get away from my attacker. It wasn't until I came home, with black eyes and bruises that my dad taught us a few defensive manuevers. and from there I learned to better defend myself, but I still got beat up a lot. And since I plan for my children to be as Muslim as I am, I plan to set my children up to spare them the agony from jump. I would've called the police on the family that allowed their son to beat up mine, especially since we had so many witnesses. Good for you that you got away from that, but I think I'd have taken a slightly less elevated road and hurt someone before I left. Its shameful that so many people would play bystander while children were fighting, it speaks volumes about their character.... I want my children to be pacifist, but I believe that only a capable warrior can choose pacifism. Others are condemned to it. I remember once I let a girl beat me in a fight, because I really didn't want to hurt her, I got great satisfaction in my self restraint, but most times I was beaten because I could do no better, and those wounds STILL pain me to this day...
Thank you again, I know that the bathroom issue does maybe seem laxed. But, my son had already told me what happened and we talked about it. Believe it or not my son is fantastic about telling me what happens even if he is wrong he will tell me. At the time I didn't understand all that had taken place because we were in an environment of leaving and in a crowd of people. There is so many other things that we are dealing with I guess I was thinking my son didn't start it, I have assessed the situation about him being hurt and he was okay. At the same time his teacher was explaining to me in science class that he was burned and she was sorry. That is why he was in the bathroom. So, when my mind was together and we got into the car I spoke with him. I just felt other things at the time I was dealing with was more important. I know I am not the best writer out there and I do try explain myself to the best of my ability. I am not a alarmest even while the teacher was explaining about my son being burned and how bad she felt I was trying to make light of it because she felt so bad and I knew my son was okay.
Well, after going over this with you guys I have sent a note to my friend. I know she just went out and we are heading out skiing. So, now that I have settled a little maybe later we can have a heart to heart about what is going on.
Thats good, hopefully this can be resolved and everyone can work together to improve the situation for the childrens sake if nothing else. No one should be able to make your son or you feel small or stupid or anything, but I think its important we teach our children to stand up for themselves, defend themselves and respect themselves. But we can't allow them to be neglectful or abusive to their surroundings or other peoples property either. Its important that we seek balance and empathy of each other at all times. We might not agree or understand, but empathy is important and allows for tolerance. I know that parenting and participating in society is a balancing act--and an exhausting one at that! No one can reasonably expect perfection at any time from another person... Oh, and I think that using the default: I will deal with him in private/when I am able to be calm is an excellent trick. It shows you don't approve, but you wont bend from your policy of private-discipline only. Another excellent thing, is teaching your children to apologize for their wrong doing to the people they've mistreated. If he'd been responsible for another child getting burned with Air Freshener, have him apologize to the child and the child's parents. Have him apologize to the irate lady. Its amazing how far a sincerely worded apology can go sometimes and just admitting your wrong is such a humbling experience. Afterward, you can coach your child through a review of their behavior and feelings and help them to realize where and when things began to go south in each particular situation.
As far as the bathroom incident I would have done about the same. I would have waited to talk to my son privately instead of getting 2nd hand opinions of what happened. If I would have listened to others I could have possibly punished my son for something that was wrong. I believe this is something that you can take care of by communicating with the other parents and it looks as though you have already taken that step and I applaude you for that. Sometimes people can be mean without even knowing it. Keep it all in prayer and God will direct your path.
We teach our kids only to apologize when they are actually sorry. For one thing, there is an issue of being honest about the words we say vs. essentially lying if we are not truly sorry. Secondly, saying "sorry" is easy when you just want the situation you are in to suddenly stop. Going back later and intentionally approaching the person you offended to offer a sincere apology is much more difficult and therefore beneficial to our character training. Lastly, as a person who has received far too many snotty sounding "Sorry Mrs. _____" :roll: from insincere children speaking under duress while being held firmly behind the next by a parent, I can say I'd much rather walk away without an apology than to be Eddie Haskelled. Just my two cents....or dollar twenty. :lol:
Oh, that doesn't count. When people, Children or adults, offer me a fake apology, I confront them right then with a "No you aren't, you're lying. I can tell. You're just a brat so get out of my face." I don't care who hears it. If they have no shame about doing those fake apologies, I have no shame in calling them out. Whenever my siblings, cousins, or students offer a snotty sounding apology, I call them out on it, right then and there. I HATE those fake apologies. It is heartbreaking to me how much many children don't seem to care. When I was young, all my friends and I had empathy for others pain, even if we hadn't caused it. My younger siblings and their friends dont and it just baffles me that my parents haven't ever done anything about it. I'm assuming you've helped your children develop empathy and sincerety and that if your children have done wrong, it was out of their character and once they've had a chance to hear how their actions made others feel, they really will be sorry, simply because they are decent people. I guess there is no redeeming some people, those type of children will have to grow up and realize their faults and redeem themselves.
I agree completely with Gizzy and every single word she has written. My son (now 23 yrs old) was picked on incessantly when he was younger. He was tiny, had big ears, braces, glasses and was an easy target. After bringing it to the schools attention I sat outside and watched at lunch time as two aides watched my son get smacked in the head. I went over to the aides and asked them if they saw it and I swore if I heard another person say "boys will be boys" I myself might smack them. I took my son home. My husband went out and bought a punching bag, boxing gloves and my brother (a boxer) came over and showed my son how to fight. Every night was spent in the garage learning how to defend himself. It paid off when a bully started picking on him at the bus stop not too long after. My son found his confidence and knocked the child (who was much bigger than him) to the ground. Other than his ego, the bully was not hurt. He never bothered my son again. In fact, it got around school what my son had done and it really built up his confidence. I don't recall my son ever being in a fight after that, but I knew and he knew that if it did happen, he could defend himself. You are talking about 10 yr olds, not 3 yr olds. Please know the rest of the world doesn't see him as the "little" 10 yr old, and they wont see him as "only" 14 or 16 yr old either. Before you know it he will be an adult and will not have you or his father to back him up. Bullying as an adult could involve breaking laws and having to deal with authorities that wont handle things in private.
I agree as well. My kids do ask for forgiveness when they do somthing wrong. Which is quite a lot. I don't allow them to say sorry to someone because it comes across snoty so many times. I tell them that they need to say will you forgive me for XY and Z. I do feel better I got the boo hoo's out and was able to talk to the mother and we have rectified things. She said she wasn't upset with me or my kids but with her own. I think maybe it was just a emotional day all the way around. Thank you all for who helped me get to the other side of this situation.
