Here is a message that I sent to my son's dad. He has not called or anything for at least a year and a half and before that it was only a couple of times a year usually. Here it is: ___________________________________________________________ I didn't know you had a facebook or what you have been up to.I was speaking to Anna today and she told me you had a facebook. I am writing partly because I am sad and angry. I don't know what happened 2 years ago after you called Aaron for a couple of months, I never asked Aaron. But I had given up trying to see if that relationship can be healed. He is your son. I know you have cared about him in your own way, but he doesn't know that. He hasn't lived with that knowledge in any real way. I told him that you loved him when he was young. Honestly, I don't bring it up around him because I don't want to upset him. I really would like the two of you to have a relationship, but I can't make it happen. I am not a part of your relationship with him. I don't want him hurt more. If you ever do decide to find a way back to have a relationship with him, please keep it going. Don't start it up and then drop it again. He is about to be done with high school and then he wants to work and possibly go to college for a couple of years and then he wants to go into the military. IF you ever decide to try again, it may not be easy. He may not warm up to you right away. He may even be angry. I honestly don't know. However, maybe over time things could be healed and he could have a dad in his corner. _______________________________________________________________ What do you all think? Am I silly to think that maybe just maybe things can change? The crazy thing is that while I think my ex will understand my motives, I can see other people in his life telling him that I have ulterior motives or that I will just make his life miserable if they develop a relationship. I don't know for sure if that will happen, but... I really never planned on writing him or anything again. A couple of years ago I wrote to him and encouraged him to call Aaron. He did for a couple of months and then nothing. I don't know if Aaron was angry and maybe discouraged the relationship from developing. I decided I wasn't going to probe about the phone calls. I try to never bring it up around my son because if it isn't bothering him at that moment, I don't want to make him hurt. I hope that if he ever wants to speak about it, he knows that I will listen.
No, it can't hurt. My mom doesn't think he will ever stick with it, but I told my mom that I believe people can change.
Biology is great, but it isn't everything. If the man was interested, he wouldn't need an invitation to be a father. If he'd changed, he have already called. I'd just encourage your son to let go of any expectations he may still have that this man will BE a father and encourage him to invest more into other healthy relationships he may have with people who have voluntarily invested themselves into his life and demonstrated a commitment to him like an uncle, grandfather or older mentor.
I don't really talk about this to my son. He has my dad in his life everyday and they do a lot of father/son type of stuff. He doesn't seem to be upset about this at all, but I sometimes wonder what is below the surface. I guess finding out he had a facebook and yesterday being father's day and all just made me sad and upset. I remember the first time my son made something for father's day at church. He was showing me and I was heartbroken. He was fine. He said, "I'm going to give this to Pop-Pop."
Don't be heart-broken...be thankful for PopPop! Your dad CHOOSE to be there for your son. He had no obligation; it wasn't his "duty" to fill in the gap. How much better is that than a man who may be persuaded by guilt to call once in a while? Your son has fillet mignon...why would he put a lot of effort into pursuing chop liver? (Sorry, that's the best analogy I could come up!) Give your Dad a hug!
If you son is in High School and is not actively asking about or attempting to have contact and if the bio-dad is not interested, I am not sure I would push it. They are both old enough to decide. I think that I agree with the other poster who said that if the bio-dad had changed he would have contacted your son way before now.
If you already sent it I guess you can only hope for the best. If you haven't sent it, then I would not send it until you really think about it. If your son has not mentioned his dad or asked you to help him talk to his dad, I would not start something before talking to him first. Just my two cents worth. If his dad does get in touch with your son I really hope it works out for both of them. It would be nice if they could get to know each other.
Well, I deleted the message. I suppose that it won't go to him. I think that it is for the best. I just don't understand this whole mess. I know he cares or did care. When we separated (Aaron was 3 months old), his father cried at the thought of not being with his son.
