My 9 yo son's 10 yo friend comes by to visit him at times while staying here in MD with his Dad and step-mom this summer. They take karate and tennis lessons together. Last week when he was over, when he left, our Playsstation 2 wasn't working. Come to find out that he had pulled on the back plug to try and fix something, and it would not work anymore. His father offered to replace it if we could not get it to work, he immediately brought us another Playstation a couple of days later. I told him I didn't care if it was used, just that it worked. OK, today I was speaking with his step-mom and since he is going home to AL on Weds., I thought it would be nice for the boys to get back together and also to show that I did not have a problem with the Playstation situation. Things can and do happen. WELL, they were playing downstairs (as usual) late tonight and I hollared down several times to tell them to keep it down as I was not properly dressed. The third time I went downstairs to find this 10 year old taking my 1 yr. old cockapoo and throwing her against the sofa, he seemed to be in a trance and did not even notice me standing there. I broke his trance and asked him what was he doing, and what was he thinking about. My 9 year old son was engrossed in his game and had not said anything, although I do not think he was not aware of the behavior going on. He is more of a follower and passive, plus this child is much taller than him in statue (I will deal with him tomorrow.) I try to keep drama down with friends and neighbors (their both) but I feel compelled to tell them what had happened. My hubby said to just let him go home tomorrow as planned and let it go. That some people think this is just "boys being boys." Needless to say, I had to fight off the slight urge to call them at the late hour to GET HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE. I know now this child has issues, but that's not my problem. I feel that he cannot be trusted anymore and I will not be inviting him over again, nor do I want him dropping over or calling to come over. Hubby wants me to wait for his dad to pick him up. I want him to drop him off on the way to work as they live in our development. Otherwise, who knows what time he will be picked up. I checked our dog Paris and she seems to be fine. Although I told this child not to TOUCH my dog again, but I put her in my bathroom for her nerves. She is normally kept down stairs with access to the family. I mean what if she had turned on him and attacked in her own defense! I would have been held responsible. I don't want to overreact, but I feel that not saying anything is not the solution for this situation, what do you guys advise? Thanks P.S. Do you know during this ordeal, he had the nerve to ask me for a hug, and asked me if I was mad at him. (I have 4 kids of my own and his parents are going to have to deal with him and his issues themselves.) And yes, I told him NO, he could not get a hug from me, and what did he think as far as me being mad. I have NEVER had a guest behave like this in my home, with my pet or in front of my children and I am repulsed by it. Anyhoo, thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Hubby is asleep, and I am too upset to go right now.
We once had a (visitor) child swing our cat around by the tail!!! But that child was only 4 y.o., and didn't really know any better. You would think that by 10 he understands that this is not the way to treat animals, and if not, then what is going on at home??? I would definately talk to the parents (we did, with much success). But bear in mind that the problem might come from them, and if that's the case they either won't admit it, or will not do anything about it. It's tough I know, but maybe you can find a way to love this child anyway?
Poor doggie! You said he was in a trance? I wonder if he has some neurological issues? Our dd has sensory issues and will do things that are not acceptable but she's not even aware she's doing it most of the time. Things like squeezing the dogs nose shut when he's laying with her- he's too dumb to move lol. Or kicking the dog on the floor- again he's too dumb to move lol. She'll be sitting on the couch and he on the floor and she will swing her feet at him. Of course we deal with it and discipline accordingly. I personally would bring it up to the parents because that is NOT normal, especially at that age and his behavior does sound rather bizarre. Glad the dog is okay.
I would still talk to his father. Perhaps invite the father to meet with you and your DH at a public location - You want a location that is nuetral. In either your homes, you each have the home field advantage. And simply start with, the reason we asked you here was because while your son spent the night with us, he had exhibited some behaviors that concerned us. Assure him that you are not placing blame - People dislike hearing their parenting skills being questioned. However, how can this bpy get the help he clearly needs if no one knows about it. Good luck, I hope today is better then last night, and that Paris didn't experience too much trauma because of it.
Wow I think I would have gone off on the kid and sent him home right away just because I usually react in the moment. Poor dog. Obviously that kid has issues and who know how deep they run. I'd have your hubby drop the kid off asap and then be glad the kid is leaving.
I would talk to the parents if at all possible. It does sound like a little more than "boys being boys". Hurting animals in a trance can and often does lead to other things and hurting other things.
As has been said, the most right thing to do is notify the father. If it were my child, I would want to know. The father's eagerness to make amends for the Playstation tells me that he's a reasonable man. Even if he doesn't want to know about his son, I'm sure he wants to know (iykwim).
I would never have that kid over again. I would have called his parents that very minute to have him removed from my house. There is no way some kid comes into MY house and hurts MY dog. Who is on his next list of victims...your kid? I would continue to pray for the kid and his family. But NEVER would that child be alone with my kids or pets again. If I got soft I may invite the family over and make sure kids were supervised at all times but that is it. I am not saying to not love the kid. I am saying that you have every right and obligation to protect your situation. You may think I sound harsh...but I know of a kid who went from hurting an animal to a kid. You do have younger kids. Just be cautious. Being loving does not equate to being foolish.
Update First thing this morning I woke him up and told him to eat cereal and he would be going home. I had my hubby drop him off on his way to work. I did not want him in my house any longer than necessary. Next, I had to deal with my son. I called him in and asked him what happened. He told me he had asked the friend to stop once, but he did not. I asked him why didn't he just put Paris up and tell him to leave her alone, or tell him he was going to tell me if he didn't stop. Why didn't he do more.... Well my 7 year old daughter was down stairs on the computer too, so I called her in this morning and asked her what happened and how was the child treating the dog. She said he was hurting her. He was sitting on top of her on the sofa! She said she told him to stop, but again he ignored her too. I'm like WHY didn't someone say something to me. I was right up stairs. When I came down stairs to check on them from time to time, things seemed normal. I asked the kids were they scared of him and talked to them about being brave and not letting someone do something wrong like that and not stop them if they can. I reminded them that they always have an adult near by to go to. I told them how dissappointed I was in both of them. To make sure they understood the severity of the matter, I took away their Playstation and computer until they prove to me that they are mature enough to handle conflicts in the future and stand up and be heard. They are in their rooms right now writing down what had happened and what they should have done. Next, I'm going to have them both read the story of David and Goliath and explain it to me. I know my kids are young being 7 and 9, but I trusted they would have handled a situation like this differently, not that I even imagined it, because I had not. I told them that there will be bullies in life and people who will do the wrong things, but it is up to them to stand up and do the RIGHT thing. He was able to do something wrong repeatedly and was able to get away with it for the most part, right in front of them. I am going to speak with the parents today. I was going to try and wait for him to have a good farewell with his dad before he flies home, but under the circumstances, I agree with the consensus here, it needs immediate attention. I told the kids that he will not be back over here, and they will not be playing with him again. He is not the type of person I want around my children. A side note; I know everything happens for a reason. My kids have always been in Christian schools and I have been careful to their company and their exposure. In a way this was an eye opener for me and hubby as parents, to an area that they need to address differently to deal with ALL kinds of people, as we are not with them 24-7, and things can happen under your nose.
GeekyMom...you are a great mom! I LOVE how you handled that....having them write what happened and what they could have done and reading scripture. That is just wonderful. They will truly learn a lesson that way. I hope you don't mind if I ask your advice sometime. I have a tendency to react first and then think later. Like...right now...my 5 year old and 2 year old are fighting as I type. I have explained to him how to treat his younger sister and that fighting with her will only teach her to fight with him...blah...blah..blah. Yet, he still argues or says things he thinks are funny just to get a reaction out of her. I am about to go up there and string him from his toes. LOL. I won't. Anyway...I love your approach. A beautful way of disciplining. A real thoughtful and loving way. I will examine a better way than stringing my son by his toes now. LOL.
Ava Rose, thank you! I tend to shoot from the hip, but I try to have disernment whenever I can when I do. Please free to pm me anytime. I am also be texted at tennesseemd1@aol.com
I'm with Tiffany. What if this had been one of your kids- or you and hubby- and not the dog? Poor, helpless dog. I'd have been on the horn to the parents immediately. Your kids' behavior is strange, too. Why were they so passive while their dog was being hurt? Maybe I misread...
GeekyMom, I think it is a strong point you are making by punishing them for not speaking up. I always tell Ems that if you do not speak up, then you are condoning the act. Maybe not directly, but none the less, consequences can't be applied until someone speaks up. I think this would also apply to you speaking to the father. It would reinforce what you are disciplining your children for. It is a great example for them to see you stand up in a tough situation. It shows them that although it isn't easy, it is necessary! Good for you! Patty
I think you are making excellent choices in your handling of the situation. I pray that the parents are open to your words and that they see that even if it is not bad parenting, that there is an issue. And that they take corrective measures for this young man!
Thanks for the support ladies, I spoke to his Dad a little while ago. I left a message and he called me right back. He immediately asked me if his son had did anything. I told him we did have a problem and I then asked him if his son had said him anything when he got home. He said that his son did not tell him anything and when he asked had anything happened, since he was brought home early, and had noticed he was acting funny, he told me that his son said there was no problem. He went on to say that he knows his son is sneaky. He listened intently and I know he is going to deal with him. I just hope he doesn't do so too harshly. Kids do learn behavior. Not saying his dad is to blame, since i do not know this, one way or another. Being that he lives in Alabama with his mom, I have not been to his home or know or have met his mother, or is aware of his home environment. Maybe this is just in him, or it could come from the company he keeps. Kids also do pick up things and some things are innate to them that come out when they feel they can get away with acts, or urges are too strong to control. However, any way you slice it; not a good candidate for a friend to my kids, or someone I trust in my home. On the other side of the coin, I am now more concerned with the fact that my kids did not want to stop and come and tell me what was happening. I have to examine what's going on there. I know they are gadget junkies, but I would have thought they would have been able to have torn themselves away for something like this.
Well it sounds like you totally handled it the right way and I'm glad to hear the father does care. Some parents would have got defensive and said "not my child!". I am very much like Ava Rose. I tend to act first and think about it later. Although I must say like Becky that in this situation that kid would have been gone in an instant. You would think that if someone was hurting your child's pet they would have done something or said something. That is an odd thing for the children to let it happen. I hope you get to the bottom of it all. You really did do a great job with this.
Geekymom, I don't think your kids are that unusual for not saying anything. Sometimes when kids are thrown into a situation they feel unequipped to handle they zone. Maybe they were more intimadated then they are willing to admit to. My kids were in a situation where a very big kid was harrassing their 7 year old cousin. My son retreated and my dd thought her time was better spent protecting her cousin than getting an adult. Even when an adult asked how things were (this was during chior practice at mil's church) no one said a thing. the big kid said things were fine and the other three kids were too scared to say anything. There are many times that kids don't say things when they should. It is in those times that we train them up to do the right thing. If those times never happened we would never have a jumping off point to teach from. I think you are properly equipping them by making them think of how they should have responded. I know many adults who cannot handle intimadating situations well...I guess kids at least have the excuse of inexperience and youth. lol. Kids will continue to make poor judgements...that is why they need us! :love: Your kids will learn a valuable lesson in all this. Thankfully, everyone including the dog is ok, so the lesson will be learned with a cleared head.
well I really never read what everyone wrote.. but what I would of done was called the parents and talked to them with the child right there.. you should always talk to them with the child present.. it works out alot better. I hope things get better. I really like what you had your children do sounds wonderful..
Update The dad called me back again today to let me know that he had spoken with his son. He is on punishment in his room with no perks. Also, no celebration day before he goes back home from the summer vacation tomorrow. He said he is also going to call his mom and speak to her about the situation. I pointed out to him that my kids were being punished too. As parents, we too can still learn. My kids are not perfect and while the fault was clearly not theirs, I definately think they could have handled the situation differently than they did. AvaRose, I agree, the situation was probably more intimidating than what they were comfortable handling at the time. LOL, today about three times my kids forgot they were on punishment and wanted to go out to play, "play with Paris" (ha, right) and play Scene It. I feel it is vital that they learn a lesson here and if I let them slip back into their area of comfort too soon and too easily, the lesson may be lost, or easily forgotten.
I just wanted to offer my commendations as well. As a child I was frequently expected (by adults) to ignore situations that should have been reported. I learned to tune them out with music, tv, etc.... My freshman year of college, many years later, I was working on a group project at the home of a married student. He and his wife got into a major argument. He got violent with her, smacking her around horribly. Their kids were crying and I immediately reverted. I focused on taking notes and tuning them out. Fortunately a neighbor called to police. Which is what I should have done. Allowing a child to believe that tuning out this kind of behavior can have lifetime consequences. Fortunately that sparked a revolution within me. Now I let nothing slide...lol. On another note: I have often noticed parents have a double standard in this area. We expect our children to report such incidents to us, yet we spend all day chastising them for tattle tailing. Most children do not have the ability to discern the acceptable sins to tattle about and the minor infractions we don't want to know about. In turn, they learn that telling mom or dad when someone is doing something wrong only makes mom or dad grumpy.
