I'm in need of a little pick-me-up from some mommas who know what it's like. I homeschooled my eldest daughter, Madison, through kindergarten. My family HATED that I didn't have her in school and were very vocal about it. I caved to the family pressure & enrolled her in public school for first grade, where she is doing well. However, my mommy instincts are screaming at me. My husband and I have decided to have her finish up this year at school & go back to homeschooling after. I'm so very excited, already looking at supplies & thinking about field trips, etc. It feels right. I know you all know what I mean. So, I'm not looking forward to telling my family. Today at lunch with my aunt I broached the topic; not spilling the beans completely, but just kind of "feeling her out" so to speak. She said I would be doing Madison a grave disservice should we decide to homeschool, pulling her out of public school where she's happy & has friends & gets to go on field trips, etc. I started to defend my position & assure her homeschoolers do fun things but she became very angry at the idea & told me she wasn't even going to talk about it with me because it made her so angry. My mother is also going to be livid. When we were homeschooling she accused me of being a bad mom & threatened to "do whatever it takes" to make sure Madison had a "proper" education; she said I should just hand custody over to her since I was making such poor decisions (that's the censored, nice version of how that conversation went). I am horrible with confrontation & I've always had a hard time displeasing my family, especially my mother. I'm almost 30, so this is really pathetic, I know. But, y'all, I'm just terrified. My husband is much stronger than I am and is such a pillar of strength for me, so I'm counting my lucky stars for that. I know we've made the right decision for our family; it's just very very difficult for me to get over the need for approval from my family. Thanks for letting me vent. I sure did need it.
It's none of their business. Hate to be blunt, but we hear that a lot on here. You and your husband are responsible for your daughter's education, not them. First of all, let your husband, as head of the family, tell them. You appreciate their concern about Madison, but after trying it "their way" and checking out the options, this is what has been decided. He needs to let them know right up front that this decision is NOT open for group discussion. If they have a problem with that, maybe you need to distance your family from them for a while. And if they start in on you when he's not around, either hang up or leave. DO NOT let them bully you!!! And be carefull that they don't make snide comments to your daughter. "Well, if you went to a REAL school, you'd have a lot more friends...." Also, be sure to join HSLDA (Homeschool Legal Defense Association)!!! With your mom's comments about doing "whatever it takes", I would be concerned about her calling Children's Services on you. HSLDA will give you legal help against unfounded complaints to Children's Service from people (like your mother) against homeschooling. You will know EXACTLY what your rights are and will have a lawyer on call if there's a problem.
yep, join HSLDA. I'm shocked your family is like that. I wouldnt be around them if they were like that. What ugly attitudes. My family isnt for homeschooling but they keep their opinions to themselves for the most part. I hear a comment or two about sending my second son to kindy next year because "he'd love it!" "kindy is so much fun!" "let him be with his friends" "he's a leader and would do well in a classroom" etc. I try to ignore those comments or sometimes I'll state my opinion and they know not to push the issure too much. I have distanced my kids from dh's mother on a few occasions because I dont agree with her new family dynamics. She knows not to push the issue of my kids with me, I'll fight tooth and nail for my kids!
Well, in Texas, unless you die, your mom hasn't got a leg to stand on in terms of custody. "Grandparents' Rights" are virtually non-existent in this state, and Texas is highly favorable to its homeschooling community. So, she can threaten, but that's pretty much it. Legally, she won't have any leg at all to stand on and won't find any lawyer who'll even waste the time trying. As for you, please get professional counseling for yourself. A professional counselor will give you the tools you need to get control of your own life away from your family. You'll learn techniques that you probably never knew existed. Seriously, you'll wonder why you waited so long to do it. I saw a counselor for 9 months after dealing with years of emotional abuse from my in-laws. It was like a 500 lb weight had been lifted from me. I would also recommend distancing yourself from your family. Ultimately, we train people how to treat us. If they treat you badly, then they don't see you or your kids; if they treat you respectfully, they do. Your family consists of you, your husband, and your child/children. Anyone else is someone you allow into your lives because you feel they can only make it better. Make the choices for your daughter that you and your husband have agreed are the best ones and follow through.
I am sorry that your family is that way. I agree with the above advice. I certainly would be telling them either support me or you won't be seeing your grandchildren.
Let me share my story...hopefully this will uplift you: I began homeschooling my 3 daughters while in New England...the 'rainbow' thing and the fact the local public high school lost accreditation years earlier and that the schools were just housing kids till they could drop out at 16....well, I began to homeschool. My mother and sisters thought I was wrong...that things weren't that bad, etc. People at church and neighbors felt the same way.....that my kids wouldn't be educated. I moved from New England to MD and my sister there got on my case for not having my children in their 'great' public schools...as her children were. I continued to home school 9th grade the first 2 children and 4th grade the last daughter. After they finished their course they went to public school. (when we moved the semester had begun 2 weeks prior and we were told that 'attendance was mandatory AND no credit would be given as the cut off date had passed) So when the new semester started, they began bringing their 5 credits earned from the homeschool/private correspondence school. We moved out of the country at the end of the 1st semester 10th grade and I homeschooled again but had them go to public school, too. English was 2nd language so they weren't being taught there...but the interaction was good for them. Moved back to the states and at 15 and 16 my 2 older children had enough credits to graduate. They started college. They stayed there for 1 year and then transferred to a tier up college (here in Utah there are tiers of colleges where it's more difficult to meet requirements for the top tier, a little easier for 2nd tier, and way easy for 3rd) Well, the end of the story is at 16 and 17 they are working on a bachelors degree, live on campus in the dorms. Success story? All my sisters children got pregnant in high school and my sisters are grandmothers. None, truly NONE of my nieces are going away to college. They live at home and go to the local community college...deal with day care and deadbeat dads. I have not ever said anything about anything...my family basically got on my case and I said nothing. Now? While visiting home, east coast, for Christmas THEY all apologized to me.... one sister after another said to me they felt bad about the things they said to me over the years and out of the five of us, I was the only one who did it right. Melly, you hang in and ALWAYS do what's best for your children (not you, not the dad, not the grandparents, etc...the child). You do that, and you'll be fine.
I really feel for you and your concern about your family. Everyone has shared good advice. I just wanted to add one thing. Since I know counseling can be difficult to do and costly I strongly believe in the power of good books. I want to recommend to you the book, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It is written by psychologists and it is from the Biblical perspective, but even if you aren't a Christian you can get alot from it. I wholeheartedly agree that it is not their business and you don't even have to tell them. I also understand that you obviously want to maintain a relationship with your family, but be careful that it is not at the expense of your family and your mental and physical health. Please read the book and put in some boundaries for your family.
Luckily they have no say so - only you and your husband do. No matter what they threaten. You live in Texas girl! Join the Texas Homeschool Coalition if you are worried about anything. But seriously - you live in Texas! We have great laws so I really don't think you have a thing to worry about just because your family has issues.
That's awful. That gets my blood boiling just reading it. You sound like a gentle soul with a sensitive heart which makes their violent reaction all the worse. Take comfort in knowing that you and your husband know what is best for your own children. Hang in there!
sorry you are going through this, it's hard, I know I am going through the same thing with my family. Its so sad. Why can't people and family just mind there own business.
I had to cut ties with family because the conversations were ridiculous... Over time, I have turned into the "Smart, caring, insightfull, inspiring, awesome, super-mom" that they all wished they could have been.... HHmm.... I had to let go, when I realized that my need for their acceptance would only be filled at the expense of my children.... Sorry to high a price... We litterally dissappeared for a year... We moved, and did not leave a forwarding address... not rudely.. more like, "Oh! You moved!, Yea... sorry you didn't notice...." They also did not notice that we had continued to homeschool all this time... And in the time that they were not there to nit pick. we slowly (Because it is always slow the first year) Slowly built up relationships with friends, and co-ops and support groups and churches and built up our personal knowledgebase of the laws and where WE stood as a family... By the time we got back into contact with family. Their disapproval was sooo unimportant that it showed on our faces.... THAT is when things changed.... for us. There are those who will ALWAYS just KNOW that you are crazy... you HAVE to find a way to let them go. They probably think you are completely nuts for the way you arange your furniture as well. And I am sure they will have oppinions about the clothes you wear or the snacks you buy.. You see what I mean? If you let them "IN" they will have an oppinion about everything.... But this is not up for debate... therefore, no debate.. Someone needs to post the "Been Dip" story.....
I found the Bean Dip Thread! (Yea, I suprize myself, sometimes! haha!) http://homeschoolspot.com/showthread.php?t=5712&highlight=bean+debate This thread is halarious! You MUST read the Bean Dip Theory on dealing with OTHERS! This is Mandatory Homework! Kidding, but you know....
I'm sorry your family is like that :cry: You've got some great advice here so far....not sure I have much to add.
Yes, read the bean dip for homeschoolers!!! Also, you do not have to EVER defend why you homeschool! Or even tell people what you 'do all day'. The best response I give people like that is "We do what's best for OUR family" and then walk away.
I'm so sorry your family is so disapproving. It's hard, I know. We've faced disapproval from family, also (MIL & SIL most vocally). At first, I felt like I had to defend our choice to homeschool. It didn't take long, though, to realize that no matter what research I had done, or plans we had... they were always going to have a comeback or another objection. Now, it's just not really up for discussion anymore. I don't defend our decision. I guess I follow the bean-dip plan, without actually offering the bean-dip LOL "Oh, he's doing just fine" has become my answer to just about every objection or concern. That's it, no elaboration, then change the subject. I figure that the only way they'll ever accept how we choose to educate our children, is by seeing how wonderfully they do. My kids' abilities, intelligence and behaviour will speak for themselves and will be all the defense I need Oh, another thing... and I know, I'm rambling and my thoughts are all over the place. Sorry!... Try to figure out why they are objecting so strongly. You don't have to fix it, but sometimes knowing why and knowing that you can't fix it is a huge weight off your shoulders when it comes to feeling like you're letting your family down or not living up to their expectations for you. As an example, a light bulb clicked for us when MIL said one day to dh "You went to public school and turned out just fine!". We realized that she said that about a lot of our parenting decisions: "You weren't breastfed and turned out just fine!" "You had disposable diapers and turned out just fine!" etc, etc, etc. We've come to the conclusion that MIL's real problem with homeschooling is that she feels that our choosing to homeschool somehow means that we think she didn't do as good a job raising her children because we're making a different decision than her. And that not something that we can change. It's her issue that she needs to deal with. It makes it easier to just "bean dip" her and not get into defending ourselves, knowing nothing we can say can fix the real issue. Good luck!
Hi, I'm new here, but I just had to respond to this one!! We began homeschooling our daughter last year, she was in Kindergarten. And boy, did the critics give their opinions!! Most of them were family. Hmmm. What makes you think you can do better than a real teacher? What about socializing? Oh, don't get me started on that one. !! , don't you think your'e depriving her from having a "real" education? Oh, and lets not forget, how will she be able to grow up in the "real" world? I bit my tongue through most of it, and was polite with my answers, although everything in me wanted to explode. I know not everyone is a Christian, but we are a Christian family, and didn't want her to have a secular education, and the public school in our small town leaves much to be desired, I've met some of the teachers, and I don't want them teaching my daughter!!! Look, the best tool you can use to shut them up, sorry for the bluntness, is for you to just do it, and your daughters grades will speak for themselves. We use Abeka curriculum, and my daughter is 5, and in the first grade. Abeka is not easy, and is labor intensive. But she loves it. She reads and writes better than her older cousins, who's parents are the critics. And she gets better grades. See what I mean? She is getting straight A's on her report cards. To me, that is the best tool, proving them wrong. Don't listen to anyone, you do what you feel is best for your daughter. No teacher can compete with a mom, you teach from your heart, and have her best interests in mind. She will have individual attention, something no public school can give. Don't let anyone give you the guilt trip. What is there to feel guilty of? Giving your daughter a superior education? Not something to feel bad about, not in my opinion. Sorry for my rant, this kind of thing really gets me, I went through it too, now, nobody say's a word, my daughter is very intelligent, well socialized, and even better, she's civilized, which is better than socialized, in my book. Enough said. Good luck to you!! Blessings, Dianna
Diana, if you are homeschooling because of your Christian beliefs, especially if the critics SHARE those beliefs, I found the best answer is "After a lot of prayer, DH feels this is God's direction for OUR famly." That way, you're passing the buck to God. (Oh, that sounds bad, doesn't it?) Tell them that if they really feel strongly about it, they're welcome to pray over it, and God will discuss it with your husband. That tends to shut them up REAL quick! If they resond with, "But there's plenty of GOOD, CHRISTIAN SCHOOLS around!" Yes, there are. They are EXCELLENT schools. But God has moved us in THIS direction for OUR family, and we have to obey God first. "Well, how LONG will you be homeschooling?" Until God gives us direction otherwise. Don't tell them you're in it for the duration. Also, when you stress the OUR FAMILY, you are making it clear that you're not judging other Christian families that have chosen to send their kids to public or private school, nor do you think HS'ing is "best" for EVERYONE.
Dianna, you have report cards for a 5 year old? We didn't do report cards when they were younger (My oldest went to school for K and 1st. My younger two have always been homeschooled. The younger two were doing 1st when 5 too, cuz they finished all the K stuff so quickly! Happens a lot with homeschoolers! There's a point for homeschooling right there--going at their own pace!) Not that it matters....
I feel so bad for you! We are here for you and you are not a bad mommy- you are a good mommy. Listen to those insticts, and if you have to distance yourself from your family, do it. It will Im sure be temporary, as they will see the good works in your child and come around. And sick dh after them. He will protect you. ((HUGS))) Jill
Thank you for the advice Jackie. Sometimes I just get so angry, and I shouldn't, that I don't always think before I open my mouth. I like your idea very much, and will use it, most definitely. I just feel like they think wer'e going to make my daughter abnormal , or psychopathic in some way, by homeschooling her. So, I do take offense when they make that type of comment. I guess it's kind of like what my husband says. they have no clue what it's about, they never even tried to look into it. They just want to pass judgement without even knowing what a good thing it is. It is for us, anyway. Last time I made any response, I just told them to do what they think is right for their kids, and let us do what we think is right for ours. Basically , telling them to mind their own business. Anyway, thanks again, I really love your idea, I'm just waiting now to see their reaction, I have a feeling it will be quite comical. LOL! Blessings, Dianna
