I was just reading the Thanksgiving post, and I just wanted to comment and ask about this. I know for us, we are having a rough time with my family right now (again ) My step-father, who is often drinking when people are over, had been very rude for a number of our visits to their home. He verbally attacked us on stupid things as soon as we walked through the door a few times and then the straw that broke the camels back was the night that we had a "meet the baby picnic at their home." It was my mom's idea to do it there since there is alot of room inside and out and we have very limited space here...we provided everything for the party and went over to do the preperations, so we were there ALL day. When it was nap time for the girls my step-father decided to take them on a hay ride instead (he has a riding mower with a wagon attatchment thing- the kids LOVE it)...I was trying not to make waves so I allowed it. Long story short, by about 530 the party was in full swing and the kids were super tired. They were whiney and acting very stubborn... My step-father had of course been drinking and I guess he decided that he didn't want to hear it and asked me why I didn't just take my brat children home. Needless to say, we PROMPTLY said our goodbyes and left a house full of guest there. My mother immediately called to apologize, she said that she and some of the other guests chewed him out for it after we left. I told her that was fine, but don't expect us to be coming over and staying for long periods of time again anytime soon...and it would take a lot of thought for us to even decide to come over for short periods of time if he was to be home. She said she understood and has since asked us over 3x for parties and such...after much prayer, I have gone with the children each time. She has reminded Teddy (my step-father) each time how he is to act when there are guests in the house and so far all has been tense but ok(he usually doesn't talk to me at all)...but Dale won't go at all yet. He said that Teddy wanted us to leave with our "brat children" and that is just what we did and he sees no need to return as Teddy is never glad to see us anyway. He says he doesn't understand why the man even invites people over. Well, IDK, but family is very important to me, especially since my grandmother always made me promise to try to get along with my family (I have always been the black sheep) and it has been nearly nice lately as my family LOVES Dale (oh, what a change from when I was with my ex-husband who no one can/could stand). This may be premature but I have NO CLUE what I am going to do for Christmas as it is ALWAYS at my parent's home and birthdays are coming up...Gosh, I don't even truely know what i am going to do for Halloween because I won't let my kids trick-or-treat here and they know they go to Grammy's every year to go on the "hayride" to all of the neighbors homes...I won't leave Dale out of these things, but he is not going to want to go there and I really don't want to be in the middle of this. My mother has asked if an apology from Teddy to Dale would help, and Dale says it would not because he would know that Teddy is simply apologizing because my mother is telling him he has to (and he is right but I have not told him that, I have never heard the man apologize, and believe me, there have been times when I definately had an apology coming like when he totalled my first 2 cars, yes that's right, not only my first car but my first and second cars that I bought with my own money and stupidly let him borrow to drive everywhere but work to keep his milage down on his leased vehicle...anyway, that is water under the bridge, but you can see what we are dealing with here) Ok, thank you for reading on if you have made it this far. I guess my point is, how do you all deal with these kinds of situations in your own families?? I am hoping for some kind of an idea here because IDK, it was easier when my family just didn't like my ex-husband and noone cared if he stayed away (and he was just as happy staying home on the computer...
Ouch Heather, that's a tough one! I understand how Dale feels about how Teddy treated you all, that really stinks! But maybe it is time for Dale to try to move on. Obviously Teddy is not a Christian and doesn't act like one, and everyone knows that! But by Dale not going, then HE (Dale) is hurting others too! Your family and you would LOVE to have Dale along, and it's sad when he can't or won't go. It's not a good example to the children. Maybe he should pray about it, and honestly, truly give it to God and let God work out Teddy's problems. I don't think he'll have a lot of fun if he does go, at least at first. But it will mean the world to his family!!! That may not be what you or he wanted to hear, but I think that's the best route, and that Dale needs to see that the choices he is making have negative consequences also. Poor guy, it's a hard situation to deal with! I had trouble with my dad, and I finally "bit the bullet" and turned it over to God and let the consequences fall on him rather than me. It's worked out pretty well. They will never be best buds, but they could have a working relationship. Alcohol has those effects on people, it's a reason for me to stay away from it, so I don't act that way!
Wow. Tough situation. I would agree that you and your dh both need to pray about it. I think that Teddy needs to see that Dale loves his family enough to put up with him. We will add your family to our prayers. The situation with my inlaws is totally opposite. They think that all alcohol is bad and that you are evil if you drink. My DH and I both like the occasional glass of wine, dh likes the occasional beer and me wine coolers. It does not make us bad people. Drinking to the point of excess is what makes it bad. Drinking to the point of alcoholism, which is what it sounds like Teddy is doing, is bad. So that is the first stumbling block with them. The second is we homeschool and they don't agree with it. The whole "socialization" issue is always around. They can't babysit our kids because they always bring it up to them when we are not around. They bad mouth me to the kids and dh will not have it. I was willing to tollerate it for the sake of the family, dh said no. The third and biggest issue is religion. Instead of focusing on the things that we have that are the same they would rather fight us about everything else. If they would do a church history from a non baptist view they would see why we are where we are. I would think that with dh finally back into church they would be happy...but they are not. My brother in law died 5 years ago and dh did not go to church at all until January of 2005. We are now happy and really involved, but they are furious. We have the rule of this. We don't stay longer then 2-3 hours, tops. Everyone is always chipper the first 2 hours then it starts sliding down hill. So that is when we generally pack up and go. What is sad is that my almost 8 and 5 year olds are picking up on it all and hate it.
That can be tough when you're trying to balance your children being with their extended family and "problem" members within that family. I'm one of eight siblings, and let's just say that there are a few who we'd rather not be around with our kids. Our rule of thumb: "Is it best for our family and kids?" If we think the situation will be overall detrimental, we don't go. After the first couple of years of this, my family figured it out and we don't get too much flack over it now. It also helps if you develop some family traditions of your own, especially on those BIG holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Best of luck. Carol
Heather, I don't know if you read my Thanksgiving delima, its a bit like yours, I feel for you. I'm in the hard spot too. My husband is VERY sturbborn and I don't think I will get him to give in. I hope that you will be able to work peace into your situation.
It is sad to be in that shape. For a year my dh and his mother didn't even speak. She came over with our boys some toys and left Ansley out totally as she did ever so often. Scott mentioned it being that Ansley and I were not home then. He also brought up several things that she hadn't done that should have been done. Like Scott's neice is a super super softball player (since has gotten a scholarship to college on ball) but his parents didn't ever go to a game to see her play. You can ask them and it is always we are tired or it is too late. Some excuse. Anyway he told her not to bring the boys toys or candy and not Ansley. They seem to love boys over girls for some reason in that family. He also told them that they had favored another grandchild way too much over all the other kids and then our twins were next in line and that he wouldn't have it. To make a long story short she told him she was treated like a dog in our home and would be leaving. Scott's dad sat a little while not saying anything and then got up and said goodbye and went to the car. Scott opened the door and told her that she had gotten pictures bought for her when my family didn't get any to keep down fusses and that we had always welcomed their unannounced visits into our home. And we had! Anyway it would have been 1 more week and it would have been a year later that we got a message on the phone from her telling us how much she loved us and she was sorry to please call her. I told him when he got home from work to listen to it and he did call her. They planned a meeting time while the kids and I were gone to a Christmas play practice. He told he she would listen to what he was saying to her. He said I tried to do it as Christian as I could and not down them. But in love and to encourage them to be better grandparents. Ok what happened next is Christmas is in the next few days. We went and took no gifts as I didn't have any bought. I felt strange. We didn't go when the family went over but at another time. We stayed for just a while. (30 mins or so). It has been very hard going back over there and trying to be a family. One day is caused me and Scott a huger than huge fuss over it all due to the stress of it all. Anyway it has been 4 years this coming year and it does get better. Of course no drinking as involved and they do support or at least keep their mouths shut about homeschooling so I know many of your situations are very different. Praying does help alot. For God to change your heart where it needs it and to change their's too.
Thank you for all of your thoughts on this tough situation. I will be continueing to pray on this, and I am asking Dale to do the same...I know, for myself, that i have not been open enough to listen to God's guidence on this topic as I keep getting stuck on how I just "know it should work." I am working on it as I know he has the answer Thanks again ladies!
