Some of you may remember my post about Dh's family falling apart. If not, here it is (though I must warn you, it's long). If you don't feel like reading all that mess, I'll sum up with the key points: 1. DH's brother told his wife, out of the blue, that he wanted a divorce... Christmas weekend. 2. He kicked her and their 6yo daughter out of the house. 3. He was very strange and cold about the whole thing. He wouldn't talk about it, consider counseling, etc. and there was no indication previously that he was unhappy in his marriage. So of course, despite him swearing up and down that we were all wrong, we all assumed he found another woman. Turns out we were right (duh). Though, in his words, they are both only interested in one thing, and it ain't an emotional relationship, if you know what I mean. Tonight is DH's family's March b-day celebration. There are 5 adults in the immediate family born in March so we just have one big party every year. And BIL is bringing his little tart to the party. :roll: Obviously I'm not Ok with this. I already don't like her and I haven't even met her. I have no tolerance for home-wreckers, male or female. I've been forcing myself to even speak to BIL after all of this, so I don't trust myself to even be civil to his play-thing. I know that I have a horrible attitude about it all. I know that I'm not being at all Christ-like. So I need prayer. Because honestly, right now, I don't want to be Christ-like. I know, I know, it's awful of me to admit that, but it's the truth. And if you're going to pray for me, you should know the truth. Will someone please knock some sense into me?
Sorry this is happening. This happened to me when my father passed away and my mom got a boyfriend within a month of my father's death. Not only did she get herself a boyfriend, he moved in with her and lived off my dad's money and money from his death. The guy never got a job! I had a difficult time with this especially when her disgusting boyfriend wanted my ds to call him grandpa. My dad hadn't even been gone for a month! I don't have patience for someone who takes advantage of a women who was mourning the death of her dh of 30 years and steals from her. Anyway, I did my best to be nice to her boyfriend and figured it was what "she" wanted and figured that I didn't know what she was going through unless I walked a mile in her shoes. To keep the peace I treated him kindly even though inside I wanted to take him to the desert and leave him for the buzzards. I wanted to be the mature one. Hope that helps. How does your dh feel about his brother?
Mambear, is right its so sad when people do this you need to just be patient and try to ingore it. I know it will be hard, but you can do it.
I think the feelings you are having are reasonable. Now how you react is something else. I wouldn't go out of my way to act like she is family. Because she isn't! I wouldn't even give her the time of day to make her feel welcome. Because she isn't. At the same time, I wouldn't go out of my way to be rude. If the opportunity came up, I would be more than happy to show her where in the Bible God comes against affairs and the name that He has for women such as herself. She IS a home wrecker in my book. I do believe their are other circumstances at play here but none that justify an affair. There is never a justification. But I am praying for you to release this to the Lord. I know it isn't easy. My xBIL cheated on my sister numerous of times and I really had a bitter heart toward him. But I was constantly reminded that she knew many negetive things about him before she married him but she chose to do it anyways. I will be honest, he isn't my favorite person. At the same time, I can be civil and pray for him now.
Ditto what Patty just said. I'd feel the same way if I were you. I think your feelings are very justified, IMO. I'd be equally upset at my BIL because he thinks the situation is kosher and bringing his little tart to the party seems fine with him. It's childish really, for him (and her) to think it's all ok. You're in my prayers, as well as you SIL and her daughter.
My thing is, what does your dh think? My dh has some family members that are despicable. I would be nice to them for the sake of my dh. When he finally decided he'd had enough, well then I changed my attitude toward them and followed my dh's lead.
First off, DH is really mad at his brother, but he loves his family so much that he's doing this whole, "he's still my brother and I still love him" thing. However, last night he didn't really talk to him very much. He was so great to me last night... I'll explain: Everything was fine until BIL got there with "Tasha". He was nearly an hour late and we had moved dinner time back from 4 to 7pm just for him at his request. So for him to show up around 8, it really rubbed me the wrong way. My boys are usually in bed by 7:30 and 8, so I was already unhappy about the late evening, but I understood. Anyhow, I was sitting at the kitchen island with the boys when they walked in. I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me. I didn't even hear him introduce her, though I'm told he did. When they finally made their way into the kitchen, he introduced me and the boys... well... he introduced me and two boys, then forgot my baby's name :roll: I hurried up and put a bite of food in my mouth so all I had to do was nod at her. I'll be honest, I never made eye contact with her. I wouldn't sit anywhere near them. So DH, being the wonderful husband he is, sat with me all night. He got up and moved a couple of times when he realized I wouldn't sit where he was. He came to me. I really appreciated that (and told him so when we left). I'm sure she thought I was rude, and that's ok. I never said anything rude, for as much as I wanted to. She never spoke to me, so I never flat out ignored her, either. It was especially hard when BIL called his daughter, who was at her mom's, and told her he was coming to get her. Then he took Tasha with him. SIL (DH's sister) went along using the excuse that she wanted a pop from the gas station, but really she wanted to make sure that the peace was kept when BIL showed up at ex-SIL's house with his girlfriend. But seriously, how jerky is that!? And it was clear that he did it on purpose, as on the phone, he promised my niece that she could spend the night at his house, but as soon as they got back to MIL's, he promptly said to MIL, "She can stay here, tonight, right?" Then he ignored his daughter for the rest of the night. He didn't care if she was there, he just wanted to stick it to his ex. :twisted: Anyhow, I think I behaved very well considering. Thank you all for your prayers. The fact that I didn't slug that blond tart means that your prayers paid off.
Amie, I'm just now seeing this and am just sitting here, listening to the conversation, hoping to glean insights myself. In facing situations like this, I sometimes say things I later regret. Or later I think of things I should have said but didn't. We all need the Lord. I can hardly do a good job even with His help! So, first of all, you can pray for their salvation. You don't have to be a phony and show "sloppy agape" and be politically correct. But neither do you have to speak the truth with a hammer to crush them. Speaking the truth in love is quite an assignment, though, when your own heart is breaking over the situation. My prayers are with you as you walk through this mine-field. Someone knows the way through it. And I know He's holding your hand! (I'm editing this immediately to say that I was called away from the computer and came back to finish my post without realizing you had added this last post. So, if this doesn't fit in after your comments, you'll know why. I hadn't realized you had already seen them, and it sounds like you did fine!)
This is an example of the balancing act that has puzzled me for years. What does a Christ-like attitude look like in a situation like this? When someone is continually engaging in willful sin that directly hurts others, how are we to balance our rightful outrage for those being hurt with our call to love our enemy (even if the enemy is family)? Just using this situation as an example...Would it be unloving if the family decided that while they still loved this person, they were not going to give the appearance that his destructive behavior is ok by allowing him to bring his gf to family functions nor were they going to tip toe around him and try to not show their disapproval for fear of allienating him? I could be wrong but allowing a man or woman to bring the very person with whom he broke his marital vows to a family gathering is the same as allowing an alcholic to bring and consume whiskey in your home or a drug addict to shoot up at a family dinner. I also wonder if our culture of "tolerance" hasn't affected the way we handle conflicts of this nature; we don't want to offend even those who are being offensive. Or in these situations are we to remember the prostitute Jesus saved from a stoning and ask "who am I to judge"? I know there is no such thing as a "better-than-you sinner" -- we're all just plain sinners. I know these ponderings probably don't help you; you are in an awful position. Even though the particular event for which you were asking for prayer is over, I will be praying for you and a for a miracle in your BIL's life.
Wow, this is exactly what I was thinking, I just didn't know how to say it one bit. LOL I think those are wonderful thoughts and I totally agree, especially after reading the alcoholic comparison. :angel: I think you are right on, IMO.
Thank you....very much. I've been feeling guilty over not feeling guilty about how angry I am. (I hope that made sense). I am angry. Very very angry. And I don't feel bad about it. But I felt like I should feel bad about it. But maybe I shouldn't. I know my anger is justified in the flesh, but my brain is telling me that being a "good Christian girl" should keep me from such anger. So now I feel a little better about my anger (frustration, intolerance, etc). Maybe it's ok for me to feel the way I do. Not so much the "I want to punch his lights out" feeling, but the general negative feelings towards him. Maybe the first thing I need to do is to stop assuming that God wants me to feel a certain way and ask Him what He wants me to feel. Then I'll know what to ask Him to help me with. BTW, you're alcoholic analogy was very thought-provoking.
I think that I would be thinking that the bil had a lot of nerve bringing his girlfriend into my home to flaunt to other members of the family. That is what would be fueling my anger. It takes time to get over feeling angry and sometimes talking about it can really help.
Just for clarification, the party was not at my home. It was at MIL's house. But this is something I'll need to ponder, as we have big family parties for the boys on their birthday's during the summer (July and August). Assuming he's not cast her aside like he did his wife by then, I'll seriously have to think about whether or not either of them are welcome in my home. I know DH would never go for excluding his brother, but "Tasha"? I don't know......
Amie, I think you handled yourself very well, considering your feelings at the time.:angel: Something to consider is that God created us. Anger is a natural feeling. Jesus felt anger. But Jesus also set an example for how we are to deal with this anger. Perhaps it isn't simply anger, but also pain. When people cheat, many people are hurt by the affair.
Wow. That is almost all I can say, but... I have a bit of a mouth on me, so here is the rest. I would insist that "Tasha" not come to anything at my house. I would insist on these grounds: They are only together for one thing. They will not be doing that one thing at your house, so there is absolutely no need for her to be there. There is no emotional attachment on his part, so there is no need for any emotional attachment or anything on the part of any of the rest of the family. If this causes an issue with him, as I can seriously see it doing, then he will probably not come either. It doesn't sound like it will be a great loss to your boys. I think you are completely justified in your anger. I would be so angry... but I have my own BIL down there to be angry with. I do try my best to pray for him... but blast it, it is hard. I did read the entire other post btw and that is just insane. I am floored at the law in MO. Floored...
How could you not feel angry? I think it is what we do with our anger. Punching him would be personally satisfying, but you don't do it, because it would not help him. (Unless he has a screw loose and a good smack knocks it back into place!) However, speaking the truth and not aiding him in his sin may be hard on you and your family, but it may help him. Perhaps the sinful anger is the anger that closes our hearts to the possiblity of restoration and forgiveness like the anger Jonah felt toward the Ninevites. He had the message of "Repent or be destroyed" to deliver to them. That's a tough message; it isn't very nice and loving-sounding, but in reality, telling them the tough truth was the loving thing to do. However, Jonah's anger had closed his heart to the possibility of his enemies' redemption. That is still very hard. I'm thinking especially of your BILs wife; if he truly repented tomorrow, how could she ever forgive him? (Not even necessarily take him back, but just forgive him.) For me, it would be easier if we had been called to just squelch our anger rather than forgive those who hurt us.
In case I didn't make this clear, DH and I are the ONLY ones in his family who are Christians. I know we're working with a different value system (or lack-thereof). So words like 'repent' don't even exist to my BIL. At least not yet.
These illustrations are very helpful. I want to thank you, too. Even though He dealt kindly with the prostitute, Jesus called sin a sin. He told her to "go and sin no more." I also agree with the posters who indicated that anger can often be a God-given response to wickedness. It's not something that we have to squelch. It's what we do with it that counts, and that's where I waver in not knowing.
