We are a blended family. My hubby's ex is sometimes more than I can handle. She has our nearly 14 year old dd wearing play boy bunny socks and thinks it is hilarious. She also dresses her at her house very liberally. This is totally against what we believe or dress like. How have ya'll handled such things? I would love to know how to handle this the Christian way because I am really about to loose it. We have 2 other children who are looking at this and going how can she be allowed to do this and that and we can't. This mom really gets to me, but I am trying to just pray for her and my step dd. I am thinking about putting a Bible verse in the socks when she pulls them out to wear them over at her mom's. BTW, she doesn't wear them at our house because I won't let her. Thanks for the advice in advance. Melanee
I am wondering, is her mother a large part of her life? Does she have regular visitation? This will make all the difference in the world as to dealing with the situation.
Yes, Yes, her mother is a big part of her life. We have full custody, but she sees her mom during the summer 7 days on 7 days off. During school, she sees her every other weekend or every weekend depends on her mom's work schedule. To top it off, she has 21 year old twin siblings. One of which got a girl pregnant and refuses to marry her. The other thought she was pregnant instead was having medical problems. Her older sister has just moved back in and is wild!!! I am fearful for my dds and what my sdd will bring into this house :roll:. You know, the worse part of the situation is that her mom calls me and asks prayer for her twins and doesn't understand why they give her so much trouble, but doesn't live right in front of them. She drinks with them, smokes with them, and watches any movie they want to watch. This makes it soooo hard on us because we are very strict on a lot of things and until now she respected us and agreed with us. Sorry, I wrote a book....I am just so upset. I had explained to her what the play bunny socks meant and she agreed they were something she should not wear, but she has. She tried to hide them from me because she knew I would be upset and she was afraid of getting in trouble.
Tough situation, no doubt! I do not have much advice and what I do have, I am sure many people will not agree with. But I stand behind it because I learned this through experience. Though, this doesn't always make it right. So you can take what I have to share or leave it. It is simply my opinion. Your stepdaughter has two influences in her life; both that she loves very much and is torn between. Children tend to draw closer to the "fun" and more lenient parent. Honestly, from what I know by experience, the larger role her mom plays in her life, the more difficult it will be trying to instill your values into your sd. All I can say is stick to your guns and do not compromise the rules of your home. But also know that when your sd is with her mom, this is where your authority ends. She is now under the authority of her mom. It can't be changed unless her mom changes. You can take control through prayer but physically, you can't make her mom stop doing what she is doing. With love, your husband should take the socks and toss them. Make it clear that they are not allowed in the home but also do so knowing that her mom will continue to allow them at her house. I have a blended family, but my problems were with the grandparents who played an enormous role in the girls lives and didn't care for me in the least. When I married my husband, I volunteered for the problems that came along with BOTH sides of the family. I had to come to terms with the fact that I made a choice in my life, these girls did not. They had no choice but to go back and forth. They didn't see anything wrong in what they were allowed to wear at the grandparents. After all, their grandparents loved them and they trusted their judgement every bit as much as my child trusts mine. You are the biggest influence in your children's lives and this girl's mom will be one of the biggest in hers. It is natural even if your stepdaughter's mom's values are not natural or moral under God. This is how God created us. From birth, children have a pull toward their parents. So when the parents are bums, the children still love them and look up to them anyways. Your stepdaughter has two homes with two different value systems and you have every right to be concerned that she might teach your children things that are questionable because she will. It was set up to be so when you married a man who had a child with a women of little value. I am not knocking you for marrying him:angel:, but pointing out that when a person marries into a blended family, they are setting themselves up to have to deal with the extended family. Some family we can cut out of our lives, clearly your stepdaughter's mom will not be one of them. So continue praying and giving her to Christ. At the same time, claim what is Holy in your home. As your stepdaughter grows older, hopefully she will see that Christ's values are so much more important than what her mom is raising her with. I do not mean to sound cold as I type this. I hope it isn't offensive or unkind. This isn't my intention. But I have learned that some problems are not fixable, but have to be endured. With Christ, He will help you walk through it.:angel: I am praying for the situation and everybody involved. I also pray that your stepdaughter will see your Christ like example and desire this for her own life. I apologize if this comes out sounding rude. This isn't my intention.:angel:
Wow Patty that was great advice! I am in a blended family too with the same problems only we dont have custody of my step son. We actually don't even see him anymore. I'm not going to go into details because it is long just know that my house sounds like yours and his mom is way worse than you describe. She is actaully in prison now. I agree completely with Patty. I have two girls at home that don't need any bad influences in our home and we won't allow it. You run your house the way you see fit but her mother will do the same. You can only pray that your influence of good and Godly will take root in you sd. I wish you the best.
Don't! That's really intrusive and could turn this into a feud. I agree with the advice you've gotten so far. Embrace the girl, model your values and make sure she's clear on the rules in your house but don't step on her mothers toes at all and don't make the girl feel like she's got to choose one over the other or that her mother is bad or wrong. Be a role model, don't preach.
Wonderful advice, Patty!!! I am sorry I have nothing wise to say....for someone not a part of a blended family it would be hard to give realistic advice. However, I think Patty said it all anyway.
Insightful, is how I took it. I did not take offense at all. Infact, I had never thought about it that way and I have printed out your words to take out every now and again to give me a reality check and remind me not to make my sd choose between her mom or me. I do not want to drive my sd away. Maybe one day she will realize that I am not Hitler, but someone who has always loved her and cared for her . She has not wore those socks in our house since I told her not too. So, I consider that a plus. As for throwing them away. Her mom would have a fit!!! Especially since they are her mom's socks. My sd keeps them in her bag that goes to her mom's. For all I know she maybe hiding them in there to keep from wearing them now that I have told her what they stand for. Thank you all for your prayers and thank you Patty for telling me straight. I think you helped me not make a huge mistake. Blessings to you all, Melanee
I pretty much agree with what's already been said. These issues really need to be handled more by & between the biological parents than step-parents, even though I'm sure she's as much you're very own in your heart as any other children you have. DAD needs to step up on this one. G'luck
