Does anyone else have "strong willed" children?

Me again. ~Nicole~

I guess I am wondering if other Mom's deal with strong willed children?

My youngest two currently ages 7 and 3 are very independent, stubborn little people. I know apples don't fall from the tree (lovely little quote from my parents..ha ha ha ) but does it make it harder to homeschool when you're dealing with such strong spirits?

What do you do if your child just isn't in a teachable mood? Or am I wrong and EVERY moment is a teachable moment? Maybe it is at those times it is character education that we'd be working on instead of reading & writing. I'm thinking out loud now...sorry.

Just curious what others do if a child is in a bad mood and not wanting to cooperate.

 

My kids are very stubborn and they get their from their dad. Dh wont admit to being stubborn but he is.

My kids would have days when they would dig their heels in the ground with a stubborn streak so I would ignore that and make it flow into something else like I would say, "Lets pull out our dry erase boards". They would seem to forget what they were being bulls about and get excited about using the dry erase boards for the day instead of writing the answers in the book. I would be really sly about it so they didn't know I was changing my strategy to accommodate their mood. KWIM?

My dc are still stubborn. Just yesterday ds was writing up the invoice for his customer and I asked if he wanted me to run his #'s to be sure there werent any mistakes and he was adamant that I didn't do anything.

 

All my boys are strong willed. My 7yr old is at that stage where he knows everything and how to do it better than me..... very annoying!
I agree with Katie, sometimes I can switch things up a little and get them back in a cooperative mood. Other times they have to take a time out and think about their attitude for a while. And other times I just dig in my heels (no question where they get their stubborn streak) and they have to do their work whether they want to or not. It really depends on which child it is and what it is that set them off... each situation is different.

 

Oh my gosh, I already feel better. Honestly, this was probably my BIGGEST concern about beginning homeschooling. My dd7 and I are 2 peas in a pod. I get the biggest warm fuzzy when we are connecting and communicating well but then something sets her off and man - she can be a bear. My dh and I joke around that she may look like him but she acts like me. I suppose that is why she exhausts me some days. :lol: My parents think it is great that I have a child just like me. :angel: ha ha ha

I like the idea of being creative in switching things up. I will keep that in mind for hs and everyday living.

 

I agree with this. Some situations take require different measures.

I have never had my kids refuse to do work. That would be disobediance and punishment with immediately follow. So, they sometimes decide to do their work slowly or complain during it or ask alot of questions. Most of the time I treat them as if their mood has nothing to do with me or how the school day will go. If they choose to be slow then they care choosing to do poorly and I "grade" accordingly. They hate not doing well. I try not to allow a mood to change up anything. Afterall in real life it doesn't change anything. Yet, they are kids...so I am sly and will change things up or do something a bit more hands on during some of those moments...but nothing unexpected..ya know? Like, they will never associate that I changed things up according to a mood. I don't want to deal with moody little ones all the time. lol.

I think one the key elements is NOT to let it affect you. Don't allow their mood to influence how you behave...don't give them that type of attention. While my ds was doing K work, he would cry and cry because his letters were not perfect. In fact, this kid cries out of frustartion far too much even today and he is 8 1/2! (I am so embarressed!LOL) At first I would "fight" with him or allow his crying to affect my mood and how I would do things. I would become frustrated and he would eventually end up in his room. Finally, I decided that he would never act like this for a teacher or anyone but me. No one else would play into it I am sure. So, I decided to procede as if he was not crying. I explained things calmly. I encouraged him calmly. I stopped addressing the crying altogether. Well, he stopped crying....for the most part...lol. Things improved greatly!

Now, that is a bit different than stubborn...but my dd is that. I pretty much have approached her the same way. Her stubborn actions are meet with indifference and no change in my mood or personality. She eventually just gets the work done and done right.

 

My son is extremely stubborn. But he has realized that his parents are MORE stubborn than him and that we have a united front. He also know that we want what it best for him in the long run and now that he is older there are fewer screaming fits.

Which is nice as we are renting an apartment at the moment...

 

I know whereof you speak!

I think children in general are strong-willed....well, self-willed individuals. But that is the job of parenting, yes? Shaping the will? Not breaking it.

There are a few really good books on that subject, but I know many that I would call to mind would be faith-based. If you're interested in my list....I'm happy to share. Some of the techniques have worked wonders in our home.

Hope you find what works.

 

This is the problem we have in our house. My DS wants everything to be sooooooo perfect and if he makes a mistake LOOK OUT!! I am going to try your technique and hopefully it will work!!

 

Nicole,
my 2 are both very strong willed. I always think that the thing I have on my side is that I know where they got it from - me, lol. And I'm not going to let them beat me at my own game. I have tried loads of different techniques over the years, but the biggest key here is persistence and consistency I think.

 

Actually my 3yo is very strong willed. He is the type that if he doesn't want to do it he won't do it and no ammount of encouraging or demanding will work...if you push him too hard he'll dig in his heels and it will take even longer to get what you want from him...so my solution is that if he isn't ready to do something I suggest once that he do it, if he still isn't ready I'll give him options of other things he may do instead...chances are he'll do something else then and after he'll do want I wanted him to do. So it all gets done.

 

My DD7 has her strong willed moments, she is also a perfectionist. Here are somethings that helped us~

I never correct her work in front of her, I do it later and then we review the corrections the following day. Then it is not like she did all this work that now needs to be fixed right away!

All of the work that she is able to do on her own does not have a time limit, however the longer she takes, the less playtime she has. This makes it self-motivating, because I really don't mind is she is at the table for 3 hours or 30 minutes. I leave that choice up to her.

I ignore the "jabs" that she uses to get a rise out of me. If I am calm, she is calm.

We do some of what she likes first, followed by the harder stuff, followed by the hands-on stuff, followed by her independent work. This way we start off slowly and it works best for us. She loves hands-on activities so that is motivation to finish her harder work.

I have used reward charts where she gets a sticker for each segment of school that we don't have any problems or attitude and then after so many stickers she got to pick something out of the prize bucket. We don't do this anymore because we don't have many issues with this anymore!

HTH

 

Both of my kids are strong willed (ds 14, and dd 11). Especially my ds, part and parcell to his Asperger's syndrome I guess. I found that if I change our enviroment when they start getting carried away that really helps. So if the weather is nice we'll pack up our books and head to a park and sit either in the grass or at a picnic table to work. If the weather is foul then we head to the library to work or on some days we'll go to a local restaurant and order lunch and then sit and work for an hour or so. So far I've never had any restaurant give us any hassle about staying for an hour or two since we did order meals and we're not being disruptive. There are some days when I know I'm going to have to just pick my battles, so on those days we scrap school for the day and make a batch of cookies or bake a cake. Anything to just relax and just enjoy being in each others company. Sure enough the following day will be much better.

 

OH I am soooo glad to see this post today. I was actually going to sign on and post nearly the same message. Lately, my dd has been whining and complaining. Even though she may be sounding out her words, it has this underlying whimper to it that is sooo annoying. It's so hard not to let it get to you. I am a type A personality, and see is like an X or Y personality if there is such a thing. I usually end up telling her that if she's that tired, she needs to go lay down and we'll finish this after she gets a nap. Speaking of which, is where she is right now. I've tried to "work through" these moments, but her work is half her potential and I feel like it's waste of both of our time since she's not really learning it with her little attitude. Glad to hear I'm not the only one. I seriously wonder some days if I'm cut out for this.

 

Hi
I have a 7 y.o. son and a 4 y.o. daughter that can be strong willed/stubborn. I don't know how much advice I can give you, but I can sympathize. I am a type B person, I guess, and so is my son. My daughter seems to be more of a type A though. I clash more with her than my son. My son can be a perfectionist and cries when frustrated. Most of the time though he is fairly laid back. He likes being outside and with friends, but can only handle short spurts before needing a break (and alone time). My ds can also be demanding. He demands attention, wants me to wait on him hand and foot and do everything for him. My daughter wants to be very independent and do everything by herself. She also wants to be out and about all the time (she's always on the go). She has a very sassy mouth sometimes as well.

Usually, when it seems we are fighting over school type work, I try to change my approach or I give my son a choice of which subject to work on first. Another thing I do is set a timer while ds has playtime/break time, so he knows that when the buzzer goes off he has to start some type of subject. If we are all having a bad day, we just try to do something fun instead for a while. Sometimes if my son is not willing to do the workbook math we do other types of math. We play store and talk about money and adding coins and such. We also play educational games when we need a change of pace. Today didn't start out too great for my daughter (tired and whiny) and by afternoon she was ok, but my son started to get demanding. We took a break from being inside and at each other's throats and played tag out in the backyard. That seemed to lift all of our spirits. We are about to start reading soon (hopefully that will go well).

Anyway, good luck to you all!!!

 

Do I have a strong-willed child? My ds3 will either end up destroying the world or ruling over it! I may have thought my older two were stubborn, but God has a sense of humor. Nothing could have prepared me for Zander! Even at birth in the preemie NICU, he was giving the nurses grief. While under the lights for jaundice, he refused to stay on his back. He would constantly roll to his tummy and kick out all the doors of the little "bed". Considering he was under 5 lbs, the nurses were amazed at his determination.
Today, the battle of wills continues. I am finally seeing some sign of improvements; but only after many prayers, tears, and pounds of chocolate (for mommy ). I have no advice, just wanted you to know you're not alone.

 

Mommy dumping.....bleh....thanks for listening (in advance) lol

I am so glad you all have shared your "strong will" stories. The past two days with my dd7 has just been mentally exhausting. I try not to let her get me spun up but I can only take so much before I blow a gasket and yell. I hate it when I yell. I grew up in a family of yellers and it stinks because even though I don't want to yell, it comes out in those heated moments and then I feel terrible and usually go back and apologize or ask whomever to forgive me for losing my temper. The Lord knows that I am a work in progress. :angel:

My dd7 is so......UGH! I don't know the word I'm looking for. If I ask her to do something, she will continue doing what she wants to do before she does what I tell her to do. If I ask her a question and she is in her "mood" she will purposely ignore me or speak under her breath so I can't hear her or nod her head instead of speaking - just to be difficult. There are times that she is told to do something and she messes around so long that she forgets what she is supposed to do. Daydreaming, dawdling, etc.

Is it wrong to expect obedience WHEN you tell / ask them to do something? I think delayed obedience is still disobedience. Am I wrong in thinking this?

Also, complaining, whining and throwing a fit about having to do something gets on my nerves also. Is it too much to ask for everyone's help in picking up, or having a cleaning day? I don't think so. We are a family and families help each other out. I am not the maid, I am the mother and there is a difference! How can they learn to take care of things, if they aren't expected to help clean the house and put things away, clean up after yourself, etc.? Don't get me wrong, they will do it, if forced to. My oldest is more obedience in this respect because she knows - just do it and soon it will be over. Complaining get you in trouble so don't complain.

How do you teach them to do things without having to be asked?

My oldest dd13 will do what you asked but the bare minimum. I asked her yesterday to get the broom and sweep the front deck. She swept (not thoroughly) and didn't bother to move the table or grill so there was still a third of the deck that had sticks and leaves on it. I was not pleased. She was too in a hurry to get it done and get back on the computer. She is a very literal thinker so I have to remember to be specific with her. Otherwise, she doesn't get it or think of it on her own. She is getting better as she ages but this can be depleting somedays as my brain doeesn't work the way hers does.

My girls tend to tattle on each other. "She isn't folding any of the towels. She keeps putting towels in my pile"...etc. This drives me crazy and some days that is a short drive...lol :lol:

Should I be handing out weekly chore lists and teach responsibility this way? Do any of you do this? Something to where....at the beginning of the week, the chore lists are handed out. All week it is their responsibility to take care of those tasks....whatever is decided. Curious for feedback on this.

Oldest daughter currently feeds and waters the cat but she still has to be reminded to do it. Poor kitty will start meowing and "talking" to me and I know she is hungry. My dd is 13. :|

My dd7 is responsible for feeding and watering the outside dog. I don't have a problem reminding her as she is younger. Once reminded, she is usually good about going out to do this because she gets to use the garden hose to reach his dog bowl. She was in charge of the house cat but after she was playing in the mud and smeared mud all over the poor dog, the side of the garage and the van, her Dad and I decided she needed to take care of the dog for a while, so that she could learn Tanner has feelings too, he is a living thing and he doesn't like mud treatments...lol.

Do any of you have any words of wisdom or encouragement, helpful ideas, etc.?

 

I don't think you are wrong in expecting obedience and not delayed and bare minimum obedience either. But how to get it, well, that is a whole other story. We got our oldest trained, in a few years we will be able to start on our coming baby. Loooong process.

 

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your children not following instructions.

My 7 y.o. son is having the same issues. My mother and sister in the last few weeks have noticed that my son will not listen to directions when given the first time. He's daydreaming or not listening completely. If he does start to follow the direction, he quickly forgets and has to ask again what he is suppose to do. My mother has told me that I need to work on that with him.

I notice that I have to have my son's full attention before asking him to do something. That means that I need to address him by name, have eye contact and sometimes touch him on the shoulder before I give instructions. I have to have the tv, radio or other noise turned off also. I have to be very very specific with my directions or my son will not understand what I need him to do. Vague directions really confuse him. Also, I have him repeat back to me what he is suppose to do.

Yesterday I found some information that I hope helps you. It somewhat helps me.
http://www.pediatricservices.com/prof/prof-07.htm
I hope that link works.

Also, I found some games that are suppose to increase auditory processing.

The following games are from _Upside-Down Brilliance_ by Dr. Silverman

I'm Going on a Picnic

The first person says, "I'm going on a picnic, and I'm going to bring an ____________." (e.g. apple, armadillo, albatross, etc.--anything that begins with "a"). The second person repeats what the first person says and adds something that begins with the letter "b" (e.g., "I'm going on a picnic, and I'm going to bring an apple and a banana"). The next person repeats what the first and second person have said, and adds something that begins with the letter "c". The game continues until no one can remember all of the previous items. The alphabet provides a memory clue. When the children can remember all 26 words, vary the game by removing the alphabetical order, using various categories of words or any nouns. This is a good game for a classroom, since it can be played with any number of players. It is also great for families to play in the car. Invent similar games.

Silly Steps

Each day each member of the family gets to give one of the others a set of silly directions to follow. Begin with two-step directions, such as, "Go get a spoon from the kitchen and bring it back to me on your head." Gradually increase the number of directions, elaboration of the directions, and complexity, such as "Bring me the ruler in the back of the third drawer of my desk, come back into the kitchen, and turn around three times." When the child succeeds, he or she gets to ask you to follow a silly set of directions.

Repeating Instructions

When giving your child or a student in your class directions, have him or her look at you and repeat what you just said. Do this on a daily basis.

Also, going on a bear hunt song/game is good too.

I hope in some ways this helps.

 

Thank you WIMom

I loved some of your ideas to try with the kids. I have actually used a couple of them before. I am going to print out that article you sent also. I want to re-read it and share it with a friend.

I think after talking (or dumping) to my husband last night, that my biggest problem (unfortunately ) is that I'm not consistent. I know this sends mixed signals to the kids ......Mom enforces not obeying this time and then if she is busy or having a bad fibro day- she lets it slide. I am basically a single parent 6 days a week, and there are days that I am drained from all of the commotion with the kids (tatteling, bickering & general noisy play) which isn't an excuse but a reality. I know this is an area I need to work on. It helps to be reminded of this AND to get others helpful ideas to try.

Thank you for sharing.

 

I'm glad that helped. I understand about not being consistent. I do the same thing and I know it confuses my kids too. I have to work on that as well.

I'm sorry to hear you have fibro. My sister has it too. I know my sister can get very owly and confusing when she is having major aches and pains (understandably so).

Oh ya....I have a friend who has a son that doesn't follow oral directions very well either (he just turned 8). She helps him by using pictures cards/written note cards along with oral directives. Such as #1 get dressed picture of stick figure getting dressed #2 is brushing teeth picture #3 is combing hair picture. For some reason this has helped him remember what he is suppose to be doing. Apparently, this child's teacher suggested this and they use those types of picture cards for him at school too.