Another thread has me thinking about something that has bothered me for a long time. Four of our children are adopted and they have always known they were chosen children. We celebrate adoption in our house as a way to build a family. It is a source of pride and joy to us. We have two sets of friends who have children the same age as part of our kids. These kids are adopted also but have never been told they were adopted. I know some people on this board are adopted or have adopted children. What do you think about not telling kids they were adopted? I would NEVER tell them since their parents don't want them to know and my kids don't know because I am afraid they might tell their friends. I worry that the children will someday find out and be hurt that their parents didn't tell them the truth. I know I am way to close to this issue to be objective so what do you think? I felt like our kids had to know the truth because they all have local siblings who are close enough in age that they could someday want to date them if they didn't know. We made sure they had a chance to know their siblings whenever possible. Bill has not been able to because his siblings adoptive parents wouldn't allow it. It is sort of funny in one family the son looks like his adoptive parents but the other family looks nothing like the girls they adopted. The only thing that really matters is that these are happy, well cared for and loved kids. I am just interested in your opinions. Thanks, Beth
I think telling is the best way! (not just cause it's what you chose!). I think honesty is the best policy. My fear is if we adopted and never told our children that they were, that when they grew up, if they found out, that they would doubt all the good stuff - that to them it all would have been a lie. Does that make sense? We have friends back in Phoenix who have a son who is considerably younger than their other children (all girls, the youngest of whom is at least 10 years older than the son). The reality is that he is adopted...well, he is the daughter of their oldest child who died under not so great circumstances. They have never told him the truth - though many around him know the truth. That he is their grandson and not their son. I always was afraid he'd find out. Welll....that's my .02 worth!
I am not adopted and I have never adopted.....so from that limited point of view...I would say that I think honesty from the start is the best thing. Otherwise you go so long without saying anything it begins to have a snowball effect...you don't tell them, you wonder what age is best to tell them...you get scared of how each age would interpret the knowlegde so you hold off and before you know it they are teenagers. UGH. That really is a total guess on my part....but that is how many things are so I assume this topic can be the same way. I do think telling a child from a very young age is best. Maybe someone will have a different point of view and offer you insight on why the people you know don't want to say anything. Sounds like fear to me but that doesn't mean it is.
I think the couples are afraid the kids won't love them if they find out. One is afraid the child will try to find the birth parents and leave them.
Well, I dont think the kids will stop loving them. Of course, depending on the age of the kid, the kid maybe upset for quite sometime and need time to adjust. It might be a rough road and some hurtful tings maybe said. It is also only natural for them to want to seek out their biological parents. I think these issues would have been solved if they were honest with the child from the very beginning...even toddler age...I dont' know. However, I sincerely doubt these fears are valid and think the longer it goes on the more fearful lthe parents will become and the worse reaction the child will have. JMO.
I understand... I am adopted. Was adopted at 3 days old. My younger brother was adopted at around 10 days old from a different adoption agency. It was recommended by both agencies to tell the child they are adopted before they enter school. Obviously to prevent exactly what you are concerned about....other people know and it could be more hurtful to find out that way. I vividly remember the time of my life when my mom told me I was adopted and tried to explain it to me. I was 5. I don't remember her words but I remember when I would get mad at her...yelling...I don't have to do what you say because you're not my real mom. :cry: I can't imagine how that hurt her but as a young child I was coming to grips with reality. I'm grateful that I knew I was adopted. Knowing that I'm adopted makes me all the more grateful for the wonderful life I've had and the loving parents that ARE very much mine. It is probably best not to interfere with another family's choice to not tell. Unfortunately, this is something that will most likely get back to the children or they will figure out in time as they get older. The parents have to live with their decision.
My best friend in the whole world's first daughter is from a relationship prior to her meeting her husband. When she married Donnie, Donnie adopted Kaylie. They will not tell her the truth. Instead, they've had to lie to her numerous times. Jamie had to "lose" Kaylie's baby book since the pictures contain Kaylie's real dad and there are several references to him in the notes. The pictures Kaylie has seen are of just her and her mom. Kaylie has asked several times why daddy wasn't there like he was for Ally's birth. And more lies ensued. Kaylie is only 7 and already asking all of these questions. Can you imagine what it will be like by the time she is a teen? And how betrayed she will feel if/when she finds out that she's been lied to her whole life? I'm with the rest of you: honestly is the best policy.
I feel that the kids should be told they are adopted. It can be done in a special way, where the child feels very special! My dh and I almost adopted a little girl. She so fit into our family! Her mom had died and none of the other siblings wanted to take her. The grandparents had her but felt they were too old to raise her, and asked us to adopt her! We were THRILLED! We had her over numerous times, and she and our boys got along really well. Our family has big eyes, and so did she. Whenever she went anywhere with us, people said how much she looked like me! Then the siblings of her mom decided to step in to keep her in the family. That was a good thing, but the way they went about it was so mean! Why didn't they step up before? I dunno! But they had the girl's grandparents, their own parents, declared unfit to raise her, and one of the siblings took her away! At any rate, that was very disappointing to say the least! All that to say, we had already talked about this subject, and had planned to tell her right away. She was 5 already, but may not have remembered much about her previous life. But we felt it was important to tell her and to keep in touch with her family. Another thing that should be considered is this: Parents carry genes and certain tendencies for diseases and things. If these children never know they're adopted, they could end up getting something and not knowing their background could cause problems!
I was adopted at 12 days old. I don't remember ever being sat down and told I was adopted. I just always knew it. I think my parents just made sure I knew - said things like I was their special gift, told me stories of the day they picked me up and things like that. Made it nice I guess. I would be so pissed off if I grew up not knowing and then BAM found out! I think that is terrible!
Speaking to the grandparents adopting the grandchild issue: That is what happened with my mom. She was raised by her Maternal Grandparents and didn't know they weren't her parents. That is until a kid at school started teasing her about her being adopted because her brothers and father didn't want a girl around. She was about 10. She blew them off until a couple of weeks later when her Grandmother died (her grandfather passed away about a year prior). She was sent to live with her mother and brothers whom she had never met, though the boys attended the same school (they were several years older). They were old enough to remember her. And they and their father had indeed wanted to "get rid of her" because they saw no value in having a girl around. Matter of fact, my grandfather divorced my grandmother when my mom was born. He always said that if she ever had a girl he'd leave her and that is what he did. I hope that all made sense. It's kind of complicated. Point is, my mom still remembers being devastated at having to go live with total strangers. And even more devastated at finding out this strange woman was her mother.
I think that you might be talking about 2 diffierent situations, if the kids were adopted as babies and raised as biological babies, its different than if the child came from one home as a foster child and then was adopted, in that case yes you should make a big deal of it to make them feel welcome I was told I was adopted....... but never really was explained what adopted was in a clear way, ---- for a child of age 7 to really understand, but then we were off to meet the biological mother and her famiy (I mean ALL OF THE FAMILY)...... it was so overwhelming, no one asked me if I wanted to do that or what I fel......... there seams to be a magical age when I think you should bring it up and it depends on the child and how you introduce the idea.
Thanks for answering. I did talk to the parents of these kids a few times in the past. We were all foster parents together and all our adopted kids were adopted from foster care in the same county. That is one thing that makes it hard. Mine are the only ones who know they are adopted. The kids who don't know were all very young when they were adopted. Crystal and Bobby are the only ones we adopted who remember their past and to be honest, Crystal only remembers what she has heard from her brothers. She was three when she came here. I think one reason the other parents are so afraid is because neither couple ever had birth children and they were both older couples when they adopted. I think Freddy and I were just more laid back about the whole thing. I don't mean that we weren't serious and prayerful about adopting, we just never felt the need to hide anything. I am NOT saying my friends are doing anything wrong. I just worry that their kids will be upset when they find out. I can't imagine that they never will. Certainly after the cancer issue with Crystal I totally agree that adopted kids need their health history if at all possible. Knowing about her birth mom's cancer probably saved my daughter's life. Thanks for all you responses. This is interesting. Beth
Out of the six grandchildren on my dad's side, three of my cousins were adopted. We all just always knew it and it was never a big deal. I think that if I adopted a child I would just bring it out there from the beginning. They may not really understand what that means when they are very young, but the whole idea of just waiting until they're older and just laying it all out there seems weird. How would you decide when the time was right?
The way my parents did it was in a very loving and caring way. As long as I could remember I was told stories of how much they wanted a little girl and couldn't have one, how they were so blessed to find me, and then all the stories about the first day they got me and all the family and friends that came to visit. When I was a child it made me feel special. For about 6 years we attended a party/get together once a year for all the families and foster parents that were adopted through that agency. That was also a special event for me. How you go about it will determine how the adopted child feels about it.
I think that sounds great! I know you guys can't read my mind and I didn't really make it clear, but I had included Tiffany's post because that just made sense to me as how you would do it!
I have a friend whose son is the same age as mine. They adopted him when he was a baby and chose to never tell him. For years he received a birthday card from his biological mom, but thought it was a friend of the family. I think that he will be angry and hurt if he finds out. It makes it seem like there's something wrong with being adopted. I think it's wonderful to tell a child that God has given them, barren parents, a way to love and share their life with him. That he was a special blessing, hand picked by parents who fell in love with him the minute they saw him. Just because a child wonders about the parent he never knew, doesn't mean he doesn't love the ones he does.
That was SO well spoken. I am adopted, from birth, was told before entering school around age 5. I have had curiousities but absolutely and completely love MY parents (the ones God chose for me). I know I am blessed and from what little I do know, my life would not have been nearly as good.
I would like to chime in here. I agree with you all honesty is the best policy. I am kind of on the other end of the story though. My mom had a son when she was 18 before she met my dad. She decided that it was in the child's best interest to be adopted. She got to meet the adoptive parents and approve of them. She new what kind of life she wanted her son to have, but she also new that she couldn't provide it for him. I often wonder if he is out there wondering about us or if he even knows that he may have more family somewhere. I have asked my mom about him. She is afraid of looking for him. She doesn't want to inturrupt his life. I can't do anything as the adoption files are closed to anyone but the two of them. I just wonder if he is happy and what he is like.
My husband never knew his "father". His Mom met his Dad when he was 2 months old and he adopted him when he was 4 months old. So my husband always knew him as his Dad. He had no idea he was not his birth Dad. His mom told him when he was in the fifth grade. His Mom always kept tabs on where his "father" was just in case he ever wanted to find him. But he chose not to. He knows his "father's" name but could care less. I think that if he hadn't been given that choice it would've turned out differantly. I'm sure he would've had some issues with his mom for not telling him the truth. This is a bit of a sore spot for him at times. Like when we had children and the doctors were asking about medical conditions that ran in our families. I personally think that they should always be told the truth. Angela
