He was in the fifth grade but never asked questions so she didn't feel the need to tell him. I'm sure that if he had questions she would've told him sooner. It's never good to hide things like this from your kids. JMHO..
I want to add one thing to something about children feeling special. You don't have to be a childless couple for an adopted child to feel special and chosen. Our birth children are several years older than our adopted children. Matthew is 35 and Maggie and Katie are 31. Our adopted kids are 18, 18, 15, and 10. I know they realize our family was not complete without each of them. Our birth children wanted us to adopt Bill, our mentally handicapped son, but didn't want us to adopt after that. The twins worried that adopting another child would take something away from Bill. I told them we never asked Matthew before we had them and I would not be asking them before we adopted Crystal or any others that the Lord placed in our hearts. Now it is so funny because Katie, one of the twins, is so in love with Crystal and Emily. She adores them all, but loves the girly girl stuff with her younger sisters. She is actually stricter on them than I am, but spoils them rotten too! We just built this family over a long period of time in many different ways.
We have friends who adopted a child and when he was about 10 years old he found out by another child who heard it and was not kind in telling the child but said it in a way that was mean...the parent was livid and I had spoken to her about it infront of my children and they knew, but it wasnt them. I didn't know at first so I was really scared that it was one of them. You are wise not to tell your kids about it. But I would respect the friend's wishes. I did not even know my friend had not told thier son untill that incident... so its good she has told you. thats my 3 cents worth hehe
Im going to chime in here. I know Im not on here much, but this really strikes a cord with me. I am adopted. My parents split when I was 2. My mom and I moved away and she remarried when I was 8. My biological father had basically nothing to do with me. I could go on all day with stories about all that, but I wont bore you to death. My moms new dh adopted me right away because my "dad" did not try to stop it. He signed the papers right over. (that hurt) Well I guess my "new dad" thought that my "old dad" would just drop off the face of the earth. But I guess he had a heart after all. He started sending gifts once in a while and calling. My mom would let me talk and accept the gifts. Even sent me to see him when I was 16. But anytime I got a gift or a call. my "new dad" would have a fit. And still would, but we try to keep it from him. Now, someone said something about telling the child that the card from their mom was from a friend. My biological father started sending gifts to my kids. And for the longest I told them it was from a friend. But my ds`s were getting older and I felt like I was lieing to them. So one day I told them the truth. That this person was their grandfather and all about my adoption. well later I find out that my one ds did not clearly understand what I had said. I have 3 brothers from my mothers marrige to my "new dad" And my ds goes and tells my baby brother that his dad is not his real dad. That my bio dad is also his. Well my brother goes crying to my mom and then my adopted dad finds out what is going on. He gets so mad. He was upset with me for telling my kids. And that Im having anything to do with this man. I hope this is all making sense. lol I told my mom that I was sorry, but I did not put myself in this sitiation. I could not help how my life turned out. But all this was part of my life none the less and I was not going to lie to my kids anymore. I think it is best to tell the children. If our adoption goes through, we will tell them. I just wish in my situation, that everyone had been more open. I think it would have been better for me. Because it has really affected me as an adult.
My son is adopted. We brought him home from the hospital. He has always known he's adopted, it's just common talk in our home. He knows we love him, madly wanted him, and God gave him to us. There will never be any lies or "sitting him down one day for the adoption talk." Obviously, I think that's the best way to handle it, since that's what we've done. I can't really speak to what's best for every family. But I fear that there will be real damage to trust in the family you're speaking about. That makes my heart sad because it seems to turn such a beautiful thing as adoption into something that should be kept secret.
My mother found out ON HER WEDDING DAY that the man that she thought was her dad was not biologically. I do not have a clue what possessed my gm to to that to my mom other than the fact that this was back in the very early 60's (my mom was born in '45) and the stigma of having a child out of wedlock was much stronger. From what I understand, my gf married my gm while she was pregnant with my mom. My mom didn't even know who her biological father was until about 2 years ago and he died not long after. This has been a big issue for us health wise and also my mom had the fear of us marrying family.
We just finalized our adoption a month ago. We had the kids for two years before the adoption was finalzed. My oldest dd was 2 1/2 when she came and my ds was 11 months. They had family visits through the course of parental rights termination. DS always looked at the bio family like they were strangers DD knew them and remembers. They were 4 1/2 and about to turn 3 when we consumated. Obviously, they were at the adoption consumation and we had a huge party to celebrate. They know they were adopted. Plus at some point it will be quite evident to them because we are pale skinned and they have gorgeous brown skin. So even if we wanted to hide it, it would not be possible. We will be open to questions they have but honestly, the thought of them contacting "those people" makes my stomach turn. Maybe they will find the Lord... I had one baby while we were in the process with them and am currently preggo again. They have asked about being in my tummy and I always tell them that God grew them in my heart.
I'm not adopted, but have friends who have, some having foreign adoptions (can't avoid telling them when the kids are a different race, lol!). I've not read through EVERY post but just started skimming after the first page. I didn't notice anyone mentioning medical conditions. I think that is one reason right there to be honest. Otherwise, they'll be giving the doctor inaccurate information about their "family" history. That aside, I would still go for being upfront from day one. I think doing otherwise has the potential for a BIG disaster!
Jackie, You are so right about the medical conditions angle. If we had not had contact, through a third party, we would never have had the heads up about the thyroid cancer that Crystal's birth mom had. That is what led me to have her thyroid checked and her own cancer discovered so early. I get sick thinking about what could have happened if we had let that thing sit and grow for years before it was found. Crystal's birth mom died on June 10th from her cancer, but we visited her twice before she died and Crystal will never forget that. She wanted to see her and as much as I hated to take that step, it was the right thing for my daughter. We know very little about our kids birth families medical histories but we do have people we can ask if something comes up. That is something at least.
She is doing great. Thanks for asking. She doesn't have to go back for her next check up until October. We do have to keep her blood work checked more often since she has no thyroid now, but we can do that at our local doctor's office. She is working hard at volunteer activities this summer. She just finished working at our church sports camp and she is a J.A.M. youth helper. ( JAM is a children's group. Jesus and me.) She was a track leader in our VBS and she starts back at the food pantry tomorrow morning. The lady in charge is planning on teaching her how to do some of the computer work for her this time. Tomorrow night she has a youth lock in and on Saturday morning they will all go pack backpack lunches for low income kids to take home with them from the soup kitchen. I know she is still grieving the loss of her birth mom, but she is working her way through that slowly. She will always grieve for what might have been and I understand that. I am so proud of how much she has grown in the last two years. She is not a little girl any more. She is on the path to be a wonderful Christian woman. Man I love my kids!
