Okay...I am feeling totally frustrated and need advice... I suppose over the course of this year I have vented my frustrations (not daily, but occasional) to my husband about homeschooling/staying at home etc. etc. Now his argument is that (and I quote) "if you are so miserable being at home with the kids, then just put them in school and be done with it!!!" So - do you homeschool moms not have bad days, does your husband listen empathetically, do you vent elsewhere??? Counsel me on a better approach to the frustrations of homeschooling. I understand that there will always be frustrating days -- even at an outside job....
First...consider your audience... LOL MOST (note not all) Dads have absolutely no clue about what our day to day life looks like. I mean, think about it, when they spend the day with the kids are they cleaning, doing laundry, cooking the meals AND schooling the kids? NO! So they just can't even comprehend it! I always preface to my husband "I'm not giving up,but I need to vent". In our house, homeschooling is NOT a choice, and I do not have the option of giving up. Let him know that when you have those days, you don't need to hear you have an out, you need his loving support...encouragement for how well they are doing...praise for what he thinks of you as a wife, a mom and a teacher. The whole "ship em off to school" never enters our vocabulary, we've taken it off the table and neither of us is allowed to say it. Also, I do most of my venting and questioning/worrying with other homeschool moms - either IRL or here. THEN, if I really need to, I vent to him or ask for another perspective on the situation. HTH.
Thanks Krista! Yes, that did help. I just begin to feel I shouldn't have bad days...or that is what his tone of voice implies. He and I both know that pschool is not an option, but because I vented that I need a break/time away..instead of stepping up and giving me the hour or two I need away he automatically "solves" the problem by putting them in school. Which he knows good and well that I won't do. Uuuggg...times like this...I wonder about him! LOL
Seriously... I'm not even sure that my husband even listens to me when I vent:lol: I think I would just explain to him that you love what you're doing but occasionaly you do have a bad day. Then just try to do more bragging than venting. Husbands tend to want to fix things, so in his mind he probably thinks you want a solution when all you want is someone to listen. I'm very careful about who I vent about hs'ing to. I pretty much limit it to other hs moms who I know love it as much as I do..... but who also have bad days and can sympathize. Other people usually do have an attitude of 'just don't do it then!' :roll:
Gosh, are you married to my husband?? If so, you can have him! LOL I get the same thing. Anytime I get frustrated over curriculum (for instance, tonight I found out that Calvert has pushed back their publishing date for their new math book until the END of August. That will absolutely not work for me. At all!) he says similar things like your dh. I just try to ignore him. He has no idea what the pressure of being responsible for what your child will be learning - his whole EDUCATION - is all about. My dh compares it to his work. HA! What human's future is he responsible for???
Around here, my husband is the enforcer. I do what I can... I try all the typical methods to get done what needs to get done... but we all know there are days when it's just not gonna happen! On those days (after all my attempts have failed) I write down -- and have my oldest write it himself -- anything that they're giving me trouble on (yelling, fighting, not doing their work, not cleaning their room, etc, etc, etc). When dad gets home, he checks the board & takes care of it from there.
Rebecca - I have already contemplated giving my dh away! I really appreciate everyone's response..it makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one with a dh that acts like a pig --- haha LOL....... No, really - I appreciate the words of wisdom and knowing I am not completely nuts to be offended by his quick fixes...
I think there will always be good days and bad days, with anything, and we sure have both around here. So you are not alone. We are like someone else said, ps is just not an option for us. I think too, we have been hs long enough now that dh can see the benefits of hs, for all of us. But in the early days that certainly wasn't the case.... My dh is great mostly - he is the 'supportive non teaching parent' (his self given title), and also the 'bad substitute teacher' (also self given). He does whatever I ask him too, although mostly his role is supporting me, enforcing discipline with the kids, and helping around the house. No, you can't have him, lol I guess also remember that it is in man's nature to fix things. In his mind you are telling him your problems so that he can fix them!
Rule #1 Husbands are result oriented and they don't take hints. Maybe preface your venting with saying, "I have had a bad day today and I need to vent. I still want to homeschool but I just need some encouragement and support from you". Yeah, I know. :roll: But husbands don't take hints. Most of them, anyway. I am so lucky that my hubby has been a stay at home dad for the past 5 years while I have worked full time, so he knows what it entails to stay home.
It's extreme reasoning. Seems to be a manly thing. If you say you need help vacuuming they'll decide the only choice is to rip up the carpet. Why do they do this? Because they know that choice is ridiculous and you'll fall back on the other choice - that you do all the vacuuming. You've simply got to present them with only one option. "I need a few hours alone this week. When can you take the kids away for me?" If they put up a fuss simply answer it with the same question, "When can you take the kids away from me?" I've had to do this with my husband on occasion.
I am not sure of the situation, but I would suspect that your perspective of the situation and his perspective of the situation are quite different. My first question is from your husband's perspective how much are you really complaining. You might be surprised that it is more times than you see from your perspective because women, generally, just feel better after they share with someone else, so it may be that you honestly feel that something you say was not even a real complaint just a matter of fact in your daily life and to him it is just one more thing on the pile he sees building up. My husband told me something when we first met and that bit of wisdom changed my perspective immensely: You cannot change someone else, you can only can yourself. In other words, if you want the situation with your husband to change, you are the one who needs to change and it is much harder than it sounds. For one, we tend to see quite clearly the faults in others and less clearly in ourselves. You know how he is not meeting your needs on this, but do you know how you are not meeting his? If this came up I would have a heart to heart with my husband, even if he said to put them in school as his vent. We know we both need to support each other about homeschooling and parenting our child.
Yes...you need to approach your husband with the "I need time away, when can you...." My husband is the kind that he kicks me out of the house b/c he KNOWS after 5 years of homeschooling that I need a break. Communication is key...as much as we ladies would like them to be, they are NOT mindreaders. And they do hear our dumping and want to fix it instead of listen to it! Hoping for you! Don't scrap the man just because he acts like....welll.....a man!
My husband had the tendency to say the same thing, but it hasn't happened in awhile. I've learned that it's best if I just vent to my mom who is super supportive or my best friend who doesn't even homeschool her kids, but is also very supportive- especially about little day to day things. However, if I have a reoccuring problem over several days, I will fill my husband in, and he will clearly redefine the expectations for my kids. I think he really appreciates what I do. One of the other posters wrote that men don't understand women's need to "vent". I think that's a valid point. From a man's perspective he doesn't like to hear the complaints because he wants me to be happy, and if I'm complaining, I'm probably not happy. He just wants me to be happy...and I am.
I would also buy him the book "HELP! I'm married to a homeschool mom!" by Todd Wilson. It is humorous, but filled with SO MUCH insight for guys! And if Todd is EVER speaking at a conference in your area, TAKE your husband!!! (Tie him up if necessary, lol!!!) We've heard him more than once, and Carl gets his weekly e-mails he sends out to hs'ing dads. I am blessed that I can vent to my husband (once I get his attention, lol!) But one time quite a while back I vented to a friend/neighbor about some stuff. At the time, Carl was working with her husband doing drywalling on the side, and also coaching girls' softball at his high school, so he wasn't home much. Well, my neighbor didn't realize I was just venting, and spoke her concerns to her husband, who FIRED mine!!! We got it all straightened out, but I DID appreciate that my friend was that concerned about my marriage (even though she didn't need to be!)
I think real complaining is counter-productive. If I were to "vent" to my husband, it would only transfer my frustration to him. However, to me complaining and venting must include dramatic statements of exasperation-- statements like "I hate this." "Why do we do this?" "The kids are driving me absolutely crazy?" "You have no idea how hard this is?" etc. I do, however, give a report. I'll say, "Today was really frustrating. Johnny didn't want to do his writing, and I had to send him to his room for his attitude. Sallly had a melt-down over a math problem. They baby wouldn't take his nap and the dog rolled in something nasty." That's a report -- not a complaint. I also report on all the good days. Reports do not leave my husband feeling as if something needs to be fixed -- in fact, it makes him feel more in-control, because he's been up-dated.
Good point. This also reminds me that the kids report to dad about their day at dinner. Sometimes they even "tell" on themselves if it wasn't a good day...he deals with it then, and I don't even have to say anything. :love:
Well, we haven't started hsing yet, but that was s big thing in the discussions between DH & I. He was worried I would get frustrated and give up. I told him that I AM going to get frustrated and what I need from him is to listen and give me a break. We'll see if it works....
I was going to add that my dh is like yours when I whine to him. But it is just because he feels like he doesn't have a magic wand to fix the problem. And that makes him feel helpless, which to a man is not a good place to be. So I don't whine to him anymore. I tell my sister, or on here. I will tell him, sometihng like "Today was not a really good day, but the kids are both still alive so that counts right?" Then he knows it was a tough day ( like the house looking like a tornado moved in doesn't show it enough, and the PB&J for dinner didn't tip him off) but he also knows I will live though it. We are in a bit of different situation since we are starting a business and dh is working full time. He doesn't have the time to help me or take the kids. So I have to ask my mom or somebody else to watch them. Which I am lucky to have availible. But I guess what I am saying is to just take it on your own to fix your problem then you won't feel so stuck in your situation which should greatly decrease your whining, or venting needs.
I have learned to not vent to my dh as much about bad days. If I am calm and just express I had a frustrating day, he can understand that. Yet, he views home schooling as a choice so if it stresses me out or is too frustrating I can choose not to do it. He doesn't want a frustrated home. lol. I think men are very black and white and simple. His job and frustrate him but he has no choice. My job can frustrate me but he feels I can make a different choice. He is not opposed to either choice I have...he just wants what works. If there is too much complaining, in his mind it is not working.
