Okay, I'm ready to post this now.... I had intended to post the message but then instantly decided not to after it was too late. I just have no one to talk to about everything except my MIL but it's HER SON (my dh) that I'm talking about, you know? My dh is an alcoholic. He has been for about 5 years now (we've been married 7). We separated back then and he got into it really heavy. We have times where he won't drink for 6 months, then it's back. He won't admit that he is an alcoholic or needs help though, he says its a choice but I can't understand that. I left him last Oct. but I ended up coming back after 3 days (He stayed sober from Oct to Feb). But now it's to every single day, drinking to the point of passing out and on top of that he's violent and physical (with me, never the kids or I would have been gone a long time ago) when he's drinking. I am just so tired of walking on pins and needles every single day and spending all evening PRAYING that he'll just pass out. And now he's getting violent in front of the kids. I'm so ready to leave (well, have him leave, I have no job and don't trust that he'd keep his long enough to pay for me a place). I have stayed this long because of the kids. I can honestly say if it weren't for them I would have been gone a long time ago. I am not in love with him anymore, He's stripped every bit of love I've had for him away. I get scared though because I have no income, I want to keep hs'ing the kids and I have no family to watch them while I worked or anything. I've been trying to find something that pays good and regular online but no luck. I'm trying to get the gumption up to have him leave. I always say I will then tomorrow comes and I don't, but he's steadily crossing the line into worse and worse. I don't mean to burden you all with this but I really have no one to talk to. I could never talk to my mom or family about it because I don't like sharing stuff like this with them. I can't even get my own schooling done because I do that in the eve. and that's when he's drinking...Thank God we hs in the morning or else that would be ruined too! But anyway....thank you for listening, I appreciate it. Thanks to the person who saw this post before I retracted it and listened to me and gave me the support to be able to post to everyone. I just am so sick of being alone in this!
Maybe some sort of councling or therapy? I would tell him that A. Your sick of his behavior, drinking, and such. and B. Your going to leave and take the kids unless he gets help. If he got some help like AA or which ever group to stop the drinking you could work on rebuilding your marriage, but not until then. I would not trust him saying he is going to stop, if it has not worked before, its not going to work now. He needs some professional help and I would demand he gets it or I would leave him. You dont need your kids seeing him get drunk or be violent. I will be praying for you, I hope you come to some sort of resoultion for your situation.
I will be praying for you to make the right decisions and find some local support, for him to come to his senses, and for safety for you and your children.
Oh Autumn, I'm sooo sorry you are going through this. My father was an alcoholic, luckily he never drank around the family.. but also at the same time it wasn't good for us, because he would go on binges and be gone for a week at a time, drinking away until he would wind up in jail. Several times he wrecked his car.. a BEAUTIFIL '65 mustang!! Even not seeing it, and him not being abusive to any of us, it DID take it's toll on me as a child. Now, you are an adult, I'm going to give you some tough love.. because you need it right now. You said that he gets abusive, not to the kids, but to you. Honey, that does affect the kids more than you could ever imagine!! They see things, they hear things. These things WILL affect them for a long time to come. I'm going to use my past as an example. My ex, my oldest bio father, was not an alcoholic, never touched it at all actually, but he was very very abusive. I never saw him beat Garrett, but then I worked alot, because he wouldn't hold a job down to support us, so I had to be the main source of income. I watched for marks all the time, but never saw any.. but I was forever trying to explain this bruise or hide that one. He was also very mentally abusive and verbally as well. I stayed for Garrett's sake. Then one day, right before Garrett turned 4, I realized that all that time that I was there wasn't as good for Garrett as I thought. That day, ex decided I had done something wrong.. and I was in for it. I took the worst beating ever that day.. and the entire thing was witnessed by none other than my little 3 year old son. I was devistated at what Garrett had seen.. up until then I thouhgt Garrett had no clue what went on.. but in reality, he had heard ever single fight for 3 1/2 years!! Who knows how many times he may have seen something and I hadn't seen him walk into the room. That day I grabbed each of us 3 outfits, and got in my jeep and left pretty much everything else behind. Now I can promise you this has had a major impact on Garrett. He veiws women as his bio father did.. I am the weaker sex, I am to say and do what he wants. He has, at 9 years old now, raised his hand to me. My hubby, who has adopted him, has worked very hard to show him how to treat others, and especially how to respect women.. sadly, it has not done much, if any, good. Now, back to your situation, until he admits that he has a problem, and HE takes the steps to get in control of it, it will not change. Personally, I would leave. I would do what ever I had to do to get out of there. I lived in missery for 9 years.. and at 5 years you know it's not going to get better.. unless he wants it to, and it doesn't sound like he wants it to. I will keep you in my thoughts girl. (((hugs)))
Thank you for sharing your story with me. Last night was especially bad and I tried to talk to him this morning and he doesn't remember anything of course. It's always that way. I said no more, not another drop or it's over, or join aa, which he adamantly refused of course. I don't know why I don't leave. I do love him but in the 'this is the man I once loved and this is the father of my kids' way. Sadly, last year when we left him we went to a shelter and the kids later practically told him where it was (he wiggled it out of them) so he doesn't know exactly but close enough to find it. I would want him to leave though, where we live on his father's land, we can stay in the trailer (falling down as it is) until I can get some sort of income up and going for ourselves. He would just have to find a 1 bedroom....if we left we'd STILL have to find a 3 bedroom that accepts dogs! I'm going to have to drop one of my classes, this is the 3rd night in a row he's done it and I've not been able to read my work (usually I can still kind of read while he's in the state) and he didn't pass out until 11, so I was up to 12 trying to read. There's no way I can get caught up now, I don't think. Anyway...I know it effects the kids, I know the statistics on how much more likely my ds is to drink when he's older and my dd is to find an abusive man. I just want him to go....if he would just leave all would be fine and I wouldn't try to stop him at all. I told him this a.m. that I wanted him to leave but he's not. I don't think he will, he'll try to act like all is fine. I made him explain to the kids what happened last night and that he was drinking the bad drinks and that he doesn't know what he's saying or doing because it does that to you. He didn't like that, but he did tell them. I made him appologize and explain it to them. Well, I have to run. I have to collect my thoughts, take some deep breaths and start school.
Autumn, All I can say is leave. No money or housing would make me stay. I'm with Sommer, I also grow up with a father who drank and drank till he beat my mother to brusie and blood all over, broke bones, and crash cars after cars. WE might not have money for food but we had money for booze. You know Autumn I sat nights after nights in my room crying and praying it would all end. I prayed something would happen my father would quit drinking and become a dad. Well guess what he did stop he died. I was young very young 13 at the time it was sad. My mother still to this day will never I mean never talk about my father, it's like a bad word in our house. I told my dh before we married if we had children, my children would never I mean never see that, it was so hard for me and to be truthful it still is I hold alot of things inside this is the most open I gotten to anyone ever. I have never told anyone about my father. I also wanted my dad to be that man that I was so proud of. Autumn your children are the age I was when I seen and heard everything and it will never go away. They say the boys who see it will grow up and do it to there wives. Well I have to say that is true too. I have 4 brothers they all drink like fish and all been married alot and been mean to there wives.. PLEASE, I am begging you to leave if not for you for the children, you wouldn't believe what it does to them. Yes, I know what you are saying I talked to the kids and they say they are ok, well Honey we told our mom the same thing, we didn't want them to divorce. So, don't take that as a reason not leave. Sorry for the book, but this subject hit home and brought up some really bad memories which I still deal with today with our family so messed up because my mom wouldn't leave. There are tons of place out there that will help. Go to the state you can get food stamps, and they will help with housing until you are on your feet. Please do it for the kids.. If you weren't so far away I would open my door to you and the children to come and stay as long as needed.. if you don't mind the drive it's open.. This is a very hard subject for me I am crying right now thinking of my child hood all the things I seen and how I can never I mean never talk about my dad who I loved too, no matter what he did. So , Autumn think twice is it worth you losing school, it worth your children seeing and hearing this. Believe me from the BOTTOM of MY HEART it doesn't get any better. Things only get WORSE and who PAYS the dear little CHILDREN.....
Autumnleavz... {{{{{HUGS}}}}} I'm so sorry. My first husband drank heavily, was addicted to wacky-weed, and had started becoming physically abusive when I finally left him (with our 6 month old baby.) I completely understand when you say he has killed every ounce of love you have for him. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Autumn, I can't relate to what you are going through, but I just wanted let you know that I'm praying for you to have the strength you need to get through this time. I will suggest that if you have a church home, you seek help from them. Churches have resources to help those in all kinds of situations. I get the impression that you aren't close to your family. If that's not correct, I'd also say let your family know what is going on. I'm not really close to my parents, due to a crazy childhood, but I know without a doubt that they'd let me and my kids come stay with them temporarily, if I needed them. (((((HUGS)))))
Hello everyone, I just wanted to say hi and thank you all so much for your encouragement. I've been struggling to get us through the school day today (and have cut so much out, we're down to the bare bones and have math to finish). I wrote a long thing earlier this morning in reply to some of your messages but my internet conked out and didn't post it, lost it and I didn't have time to re-write it all. I am not really very close to my family. My mom lives all the way across the state and my dad (who I was close to) passed away last year. My other family who all lives in this area, isn't really close either. I used to be but he constantly put them down or made me see the bad in them and we hardly go around any of them anymore (although I do believe that if I ever went to them that they would be there for me). I still love them and they love me, I'm sure. But I'm wary about staying with any of them because of this and I know that he'd probably show up drunk at their house and I would not want to put any of them through that. I have to go finish our day for now and then TRY to get some of my school finished. I plan on talking to him after work if he's not drinking by then (cross your fingers). Thank you all again for being there. As someone who has not had any close friends in a long time it is nice to have someone to listen and lend a shoulder when you need it.
My father was an alcoholic and abused my mother and my older brother the most. We got some the abuse. He did not seek help until one day when I was in the 10th grade, he was hitting my mother and I stood up against him and told him he could not harm my mother again. He went to AA and tried to quit.. but it wasn't 3 years later when his health declined in he had open heart surgery that God humbled him. He saw how my mother nursed him to health despite the way he has treated her in the past. It has been over 27 years that he has been sober. I do not advise anyone to stay like my mother did. I myself had my husband arrest last December for hitting me. He remained in jail until late February. We are currently going through family couseling and trying to resolve our problems. It does not work for everyone. Until your spouse admits he has a drinking problem that leads to being violent, I am afraid that things will not work out. My spouse had to admit he had a problem with anger and seek anger management to learn how to control and deal with his anger. Praying for a solution for you and the kids and yes praying for your husband as well. (((hug)))
I have not read the other responses, so maybe this has been said. 1.) If he is abusive to you whether in front of the kids or not it is still abusive to the kids and it could eventually include the kids (happened to a friend of mine - he never touched the kids until he did -too late then) 2.) I would really consider speaking to my family and seeing if moving in with them is an option. If not, you must go to your church or a women's abuse center (at least call) to get some help in this situation. You need someone on your side and now. 3.) If you don't take care of this situation before the next time he is physical with you - CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY UPON HIM BEING ABUSIVE OR AS SOON AS YOU CAN. The police will come and take him away and you can easily get at least a temporary restraining order against him and hopefully the judge will make him go to AA and get anger management/abuse classes. I know it is not easy, but I guarantee this is affecting your kids. None of this is your fault and don't let his lies tell you it is your fault.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I hear people say "I'm staying for the kids" all the time when in situations like this. My response is "you need to leave for the kids". My oldest dd father, my ex husband, didn't drink and never put his hands on me or her but he was so verbally abusive to me all the time. We fought constantly. We came to just hate each other. I had no job and we lived in a little small trailer. I thought "I have no where to go and have no job, what will I do? I can't leave!" Well I finally got sick of his crap enough to go. When I told him he raised his hand to me and Samantha who was only 3 stepped in front of me and said "don't you dare hit my mommy!" I was in tears and hysterical. I left. I found a two bedroom small house to rent in a failry crappy part of town and found three jobs. I cut hair (which is what I had done long before) at a salon, I taught gymnastics at a gym, at worked at a small restaurant for breakfast shift every morning. I managed to be able to pay our rent, buy our food and keep her in her private preschool on those three incomes. I also began to receive child support which helped. I can only pray for you and hope you make the best decision for you and your kids.
I think you need to approach them and give them that choice. I know that if a family member was going through what you are and I found out they weren't asking for help because they, "would not want to put any of them through that," I'd be really hurt. Think clearly about this. Your absolute priority is yourself and your children right now. The situation you are living in is getting worse and it's already at a point where there is no doubt that you are being torn apart and your children are being harmed. You don't have the luxury of not calling your family and asking for help. They are your best means of help and support and you need them if you are going to do this. Your kids need them. Call one of them tommorrow. Let them know what's going on and give them a chance to help you. You told all of us. That's one step...Time for the next step now?
I will pray for you. I have nothing new to add as I think you have been given good advice. My grandfather was an alcoholic and abused my grandmother. My dh's dad is an alcoholic as well..he did not abuse his wife or kids physically but mentally he did a number on all of them. From what I have seen but not experienced this does not get better. I pray that you will find the strength and wisdom to do what needs to be done.
