Let's just say, Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. Now I hate it. Let me tell you why. My mother is disabled and she starts shopping for Christmas as soon as it is over. This means, by Christmas day, she has spent thousands of dollars, largely on toys. I am trying to raise my children to not be materialistic, but then I am forced to come up with lists of thousands of dollars worth of things for my children. I have begged and pleaded my mother to consider things like memberships to science museums, passes to the movies, classes, etc. No. She says she is disabled, therefore, cannot SEE the children enjoy the movies, or classes, and such. She says she just too much loves to see the children open the gifts and be excited. SO....then it gets worse. My brother has no children. He tries to get in on the scene too. A game system with a few games is not unusual for him to give. Then, because he and my mother are so excited (he does not live with her) they demand that we be at their house at 10am, every Christmas, Christmas, after Christmas, after Christmas. Because of this early time, for years, we just did not do any sort of celebration or otherwise at home. We skipped giving gifts ourselves and only maybe gave one little thing from Santa. Well, now the children are old enough to notice the oddity of no gifts at home basically so now we come up with things to give at home. To top it off, getting 4 children to open their presents, eat breakfast, ourselves showered and everyone out the door, we actually have to set the alarm for 6am!!! This has caused us to have to cancel midnight candlelight service at church as it is too hard to come home at 1am and then face getting everyone to bed, be sure they are asleep before putting out santa gifts, then get up at 6am. Then, once at my parents house, I cannot even breathe. We walk in the door and people are shoving presents at my children while I try screaming..stop! wwait! Let me at least take a picture!!! and so on. For the most part, the entire "stash" is opened within 30 minutes. Since my younger sisters children are there, at this point, there is panic and chaos trying to sift through everything and figure out what goes to whom. My mother, fortunately, keeps track of what she gives everyone on the computer so she will go print this off. Always, without fail, my sister concludes that some small part of my younge neice's gifts has ended up in the wrapping paper trash. To this, my dad goes and dumps all the wrapping paper back out of the bags so we can all go through it. By this point, it is not even 11am yet and I am out at the minivan, which has been previously completely cleaned out in preparation for this chaos, and I fold down the seats that fold down. Then DH and I work for a bit carting out all the gifts, stuffing the minivan full. We can usually fit most the gifts in, but leave behind a gift for each child. Mind you, we can no longer fit a 2nd adult or any of the children in my minivan. DH drives home and empties out the van and then returns to my parents house. This all happens before noon. Generally, this time of year, I am finishing unpacking last years gifts. I am packing large amounts of barely touched things off to charity. I am completely and totally stressed out over all this. I feel so guilty giving all this away, but what can anyone do with all this stuff? Then just as I feel some level of control over my home again, Christmas day happens again. And the saddest part is..we never get things we need. For example, we recently discovered that our computers are all pretty much suddenly out of date. We really need a new computer. We also have no sort of playset in the backyard for the kids to play on. I know we will get thousands of dollars worth of toys...but those will not be in it. We have 2 huge oversized under-the-bed containers of legos and I already know my mother has spent hundreds of dollars on Legos. I cannot even get the Legos we have picked up. If there is a toy out there, my children have it. Unless it is too expensive, as everyone likes to buy for volume, not quality.
Regardless of whether they're disabled or childless, they're really putting an enormous burden on you. You're the one that has to find room for their gifts, deal with their attitude around gifts and the confusion of carting your family around on Christmas Day. They're being selfish, plain and simple. None of this is fo you or the kids. It's for their own pleasure. And yes, you've touched a sore spot. I'm looking around my 780 sq foot home that's stuffed to the gills with stuff and panicing because I don't even know ehere I'm going to fit a tree let alone all the junk that will come out from under it or be carted home Christmas Day from the In-Laws. Prozac anyone?
If you don't like how Christmas is done, you're the only one who can change it. There's no reason to feel guilty for not catering to everyone else's unrealistic or unpleasant expectations. If you want to go to your mom's house, then tell her what time you will be able to come. If that time's not satisfactory, then you just won't be able to make it at all. Your mom and brother give gifts because it makes THEM feel good. That's OK, but it's hardly anything I'd bend over backward trying to accommodate. You can't control someone else's gift giving, and I tend to think it's rude to try. But no one says you have to knock yourself out to try to do things on THEIR schedule if it's not at all convenient for yours. If you go to your mom's house, set your own time. Be firm with your children that they are not to touch one present until you have said so. Keep a strong hand on them when you go inside if you have to. Start a new system of gift unwrapping. Get with your sister and brainstorm ways of making the whole thing more efficient and less stressful. And don't discount having your own smaller family Christmas on Christmas Eve. You can open larger gifts on Christmas Eve and then just do stockings before heading out to your mom's house--- at the time YOU decide.
I want to add, already, just since I made that post, which was less than an hour ago, my sister called from Target. She is there with younger neice trying to pick out new toys for my children. I told her several times over no. But she insisted that little neice really just wants to pick something. Little neice was also selecting things like growing cystals kits for my 14 yr old, and some dolls for my 14 yr old son. Anyway, I finally did manage to convince her to just get him clothes. She did go over there. But it was only after telling her about my above post and reminding her how she feels the day after Christmas and she has no place to put everything. And how she feels when she is trying to figure out how to fit everything in to her house with her children and the floors are covered. Many years, we have said no and just did not show at 10am. But then my mother breaks out crying. My older sister (from out of town, has no children OR husband of her own) slips in to another room to call me to tell me that everyones Christmas is ruined because my mother is crying now. Now this year will be even worse. My mother took a horrible fall in the spring and had to have the fire engines and ambulance come and spent 2 months in the hospital. We already are not going over for Thanksgiving, so I know there will really be pressure for Christmas. uugghhh. (you know..maybe I should go out and buy everyone a bunch of knick knacks....then perhaps they will see how I feel when their shelves are full and everyting they get becomes nonsense...)
I'm sorry that the holidays are so stressful for you. I don't really have any advice other than to go when you are ready. Explain to your mother that it's just not possible for you to get the family ther by 10 but that you will be there by 12 (or whatever time works for you) Tell her that she doesn't need to wait for you to get there to begin and that your children will open their presents when they arrive and maybe point out that by doing things this way she can watch your sisters children open gifts first and then watch your children later therefore enjoying the day even more because she gets to watch their smiles even longer!
Well seeing you can't change it how about working around it? Like celebrating Christmas a day earlier at home with just your family. With all the gifts maybe you could gather up all of last years gifts that you either didn't use or barely used and list them on either ebay or craigslist? You could then take that money and buy the things that you really need or like.
I would explain to my mother, if this was my mother, that Christmas Eve Services are quite important to your family for honoring the Lord and it gives the children time to learn and reflect on the true meaning of Christmas, beyond the gift giving that follows on the next day. So, if she would be kind enough to hold off until the afternoon and, perhaps, have a nice Christmas meal in the late afternoon, if that is possible, that you would appreciate her giving your family that time to honor the Lord. Another thing, I might not take the presents out so quickly. You mother mentioned that she likes to see them play with the toys...well, give your children some time to play with them while they are in her house. She might notice how much space they take up. And, I most certainly would not take any more than that fit in my van with my entire family going home altogether. I would leave quite a few and get them later. It will give your mother some more time with the bulk so she has the opportunity to realize, as well as you will be teaching your children, that having your family together on Christmas is much more important than having your husband pack up and leave as a toy delivery service. I would also have my children prepared to open one present and wait to watch a sibling open one taking turns--regardless of how everyone else in the room is doing it. You can still be your kid's mom in this situation as long as your husband and you are in agreement on this. Do you visit your husband's family on Christmas?
I never thought of that about leaving the presents to sit for a while at her house. She gets to anxious to get everything cleaned up after and that might help. I feel bad because before she was disabled, she was always on the go and such and I figure this is her outlet. But some days, I just feel soooo guilty taking so many toys to give away. I remember what year they were given and how that is how my mother gives love and some day, she will be gone and I will have given away most her gifts. Throughout the year, she does not attend anything with the kids, but scrap books the pictures of the various things. I know she has had a fair amount of feeling bad and depressed over the whole thing. Ok..not just fair..A LOT of depression over it. My dad has dementa himself so he is little help. My older sister lives on the other side of the country and is single and childless and has no clue as to what it is like to have a family, children, and a husband. Since she only visits once a year, but she travels extensively, I think she feels a little guilt and then expects the rest of us to rally together when she is in town. Anyway, thanks for all the helpful advice. I have been cleaning ALL day so perhaps it is a little meltdown time. But I will haul the doll house and all the little people stuff and all the RC cars to charity tomorrow. I think it is time to take half the legos off the charity too. Half the stuffed animals and dolls need to go too.
I am soooo like you.... HUGS! Humph! Because you LET them demand it.... You have weighed the pros and cons of NOT giving into this "Demand" and you have apparently decided that giving in is the thing to do. (Because you show up) Problem is, even if you are correct, in that choice... it taints everything else, because with that ONE choice, you have opened the floodgates on THEM having control over what YOU do and what YOU allow.... So now, Christmas is about THEM and what makes THEM happy. I guess they get to say, "Giving is better than receiving." They get to hide behind their good intentions... Well the road to hell is paved with good intentions... right? After this Christmas set them both down. Tell them the story of the man who received beautiful handmade shoes every year from a person. Would he be ungrateful if he asked for something different? See, the man had no leggs and no use for the shoes. He who gives without the thought of the person who is recieving is THOUGHTLESS. I would not let anyone run my holiday or life. Much less a thoughtless, self centered person. Easier said than done, but you have to choose.
I agree with Jen. You don't have to let them control your holiday. We also had to stop the crazyness at Christmas and Birthdays. They all expected everyone to spend $35. on each person My dh and I talked about it and we couldn't afford it. We told them, no more gifts will be given to them and we didn't expect any in return. We would enjoy the fellowship, without the hardship of the presents. They all thought we were thoughtless, but, now everyone is doing it. The parents still get for everyone, but not the rest of the family. Children have so much these days, it is hard for them to have enough time in a day to play with the toys and electonic gadgets. Stay strong, make a change next year, and relax. Prayers and hugs going your way.
I have such strong sympathy. My dh has a massively controlling family, with weapons of tears and guilt and "you are just like dh's uncle's wife, who tried to tear him away from our family." We were expected to spend the night at dh's grandmother's house. My inlaws bought massive amounts of toys, then asked to borrow money the first of January to make their house payment. This is what I would do: tell your mom, bro, etc in advance that your children are limited to FIVE extracurricular presents this year (or whatever number you think is reasonable). Your mom can choose the ones she prefers to give or she can let your children open and choose. The rest will be donated to Toys for Tots, homeless shelter, etc. Your children can go with the family to give so they can be part of the giving process - isn't that the greatest gift of all? Explain that you will be limiting henceforth. I know I always felt a little guilty - despite the fact that I am intentionally trying to teach my kids not to be mercenary - when my inlaws presents were five times as high as mine. Tell them this makes them have too high of expectations and FIVE (or however many) is it. You can donate with their blessing or without, but you prefer to do it with. And maybe you'll get more family passes, since you can't really donate those. ALSO, tell your mom that you can plan to pick her up once a month/once every two months/whatever works best if she purchases a family pass to x, y or z. Then she can see the kids enjoy it. And promise to make her a scrapbook of pics from the trips for HER Christmas/birthday/mother's day present. Remind her that the photos will be more lasting and more valuable than watching them play with and discard ten $10 toys. This might make her more willing. Another idea: invite everyone to your house for Christmas. If you are the only one with small children - which it sounds like - then why not have your bro pick up your mom and come over? Then your kids can wake up and enjoy Christmas morning. Offer to make breakfast and do something simple, like cinamon rolls or pancakes-from-a-mix or something like that. This makes a little more work on the breakfast side and a little less on the stress side. Also, if your mom is a neat freak, then this means YOU can decide to leave out the toys so she can watch them play. If all else fails, do what I did: we moved into a 36' motorhome (hey, we have one for sale! LOL) and said, sorry we can only take 3 presents each this year. Then we moved out of state and the cost of shipping solved most of the problem. I would put my foot down about going out, though. You are robbing your kids of memories of your family and Christmas. Far easier to have everyone come to YOUR house if they want to see the kids. And no hard feelings if they decide not to. Good luck.
We do Christmas, just us & the kids, on Christmas Eve. Not counting that, we have 6 or 7 Christmases we're expected to attend. So, I understand the stress of trying to make everyone happy & dealing with family's expectations during this season. If you do presents at home on Christmas Eve, you should still be able to do the midnight service & get to Christmas at your parents' house, without having to get up at 6am. Twice a year, we go through the kids' stuff & get rid of anything they have outgrown or don't use. Most of what goes is stuff they got as presents. I feel bad about giving away things they got for Christmas or birthdays, but there's no sense in holding on to something they haven't touched more than 3 times since they got it. Plus, if I didn't get rid of some of their toys, there'd be no room for anything else. Trying to get them to limit the amount of stuff they buy your kids may work. Just explain that there's no possible way your kids can play with all the toys they get. You can also tell them that you're concerned the massive amounts of gifts will encourage your children to become materialistic & spoiled. If your family still doesn't listen, consider having your kids go through the gifts within a few days after Christmas. Tell them they can choose x number of gifts to keep. Then have them go with you to donate the rest to a children's home, the children's ward at the hospital, etc. As for the chaos of opening gifts, you could suggest a change. You could have one person hand out the gifts, then take turns opening presents one at a time. That's what we do. One child opens a gift, then another child, and so on, until all the kids have opened a gift. Then, they each open another. After all the kids' presents are opened, we send the kids out of the room to play & the adults open their gifts. This allows everyone a chance to watch people open the gifts they gave them. Plus, it makes it much easier to take pictures. Try suggesting one or two different ways to do the gifts, explaining that it would make picture-taking easier, prevent any gifts from accidentally being lost or thrown out, and allow everyone to really see what's going on. If you point out the pros of doing it a different way, you might be able to get them to see it your way & change from the chaotic way it's done now. I hope you're able to find some way of making Christmas less stressful. We're actually taking a break from doing Christmas celebrations with our family this year. I can't deal with the stress & dh is extremely irritated with the over commercialization of the holiday. It's been a rough year, and we decided that we needed a break from the chaotic & hectic holiday. It's simply too much to deal with right now. I really hope you're able to find a way to enjoy Christmas again.
Ok, so this is going to sound bad, but if you have a bunch of new toys, and need a new computer, have you thought about craigslist? I would be tempted to sell them so that you can get what your family really needs.
Or you could donate them. I take anything anyone is willing to re-gift to me! Ok kidding. I wish I had a constructive answer, but I don't. I just hate it when pushy people take over the holidays.
I completely understand, but I'll spare you the details of my similar sob story. It is difficult anytime you have to choose between the family you came from and the family you've created. It may be too late to help this year, but my mom started something several years ago that might help you. She buys each of my children a fancy holiday outfit. They all dress up, go to a nice restaurant for dinner, then go to see the Nutcracker ballet together a week or two before Christmas. On Christmas day, she then gives each of them a nutcracker of some sort (usually jewelry or an ornament) to remind them of that special time. They create special memories together, and the quantity of presents has decreased dramatically. Perhaps you could facilitate something similar with your family? Here are some Christmas day rules our family adopted as a compromise in a similar situation: --Pajamas on Christmas are acceptable, and frequently given as gifts the night before. That eliminates much of the getting ready to go issue. --Everyone prepares or purchases food and delivers it to the host house the day before, so there is a brunch spread to be eaten whenever people desire. We generally have sweet breads, chili, chips, cookies, etc. --Presents cannot be touched until the Christmas story has been told, and everyone must be present to hear it. --Presents must be opened one at a time. Not one per person, but one at a time. Slowing the pace makes it easier on the photographers, keeps the children from getting completely hyper, allows the giver to focus on the receiver, and . . . you get the idea. --A selection of presents remains at the giver's home to be enjoyed during visits.
There is a wonderful prayer called the serenity prayer.... God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. What you CANNOT change is other people. What they do, how they behave, what they think of you, etc. Families can get caught up in thinking they can change each other. What you can change is yourself. How you react, what you do, when you do it.... So, if you cannot change what she buys, change what you do with it.. I LOVE the idea of only taking some of the gifts home and leaving the rest there for a few days. If you can't change when they want you to be there and you can't handle the time they set, stand up for yourself and tell them when you are able to be there. YOU are not responsible for their feelings and actions and EXPECTATIONS. Although, I really like the pajama idea. (I like ANY idea that would make my life simplier) This reminds me of the whole "bean dip" story posted before. Yes, it is family. There are concessions made with family. But it sounds to me that you are too stress over all of it before the "fun" has even begun. Try to figure how best to enjoy the 'reason for the season' without all the stress. Speaking from experience, be very careful that your feelings regarding the family and the whole situation aren't being picked up by your kids. They're more observant then we give them credit for.
I agree with the suggestions already given. I love the idea said: This year my DH has no job and I am trying to find resources from agencies for gifts for the boys. I am not worried over it because, we have our family this year together (last year we were apart) and that means alot to me (that to me is the best gift). I can understand your true meaning of Christmas by wanting your children to celebrate with Church services and being together. I think your mother has made the holiday her own with saying it has to done this way...when Christmas should be a reflection of good will and love.... Here's praying for your family this Holiday season (((Hugs)))
Can I just say we can totally relate!!! Throw a couple bdays around this holiday, divorced parents leading to more Xmas's & it makes for a "joyous time" !!! LOL!!! Hubby & I do our Xmas exchange after the kiddos go to bed & save stockings & 2 presents for the morning so that helps. One Xmas morning we had them come to our house. My mom is pretty flexible. We go over between 10-10:30 sometimes earlier. But we do have a tradition with our neighbors of having breakfast with them since we have known them for over 20 yrs...extended fam to say the least. Could your family start a name exchange so you wouldn't have so much stuff? This year with one of our fam we are uploading pix to a site & sharing the pix as family gifts. I think if we "go" to the Xmas then we are to bring a white elephant gift & I suggested some canned goods for a local food pantry. I know I'm not good at standing up to my fam either, but my hubby is good at reminding me that Xmas is about OUR family & the rest can wait!!! I know that seems harsh, but is a good reminder. Why couldn't you do the big Xmas with your mom & everyone Xmas eve & then like someone suggested have your bro & mom over in the morning to watch your kiddos open their gifts.
someday your parents won't be around for them to spoil your kids........ let them do it while they can.
well I haven't read everyones respond but what I would do is donate the old toys, you said they were in great shape, donate them every year to the needy, why not, they woud love them. I know a group my girls are in are collecting unwanted used toys in great shape for the needy. Have you thought about doing that, Then mom can still buy and you done something nice every year by giving to the needy. Also, I wouldn't be there at 10 am I would tell them that church is important to you and the children are getting older and we would love to spend Christmas morning at home we will be there around 1pm or so. Tell her in a nice way. I bet she will understand.
