There are NO social outlets for my 12.5 yr old. Basically, where we live, which is technically a suburb of a major metropolitan area, it takes 20 minutes just to get out of our town. All the homeschool groups within 45 minutes basically are connected to a church. I have tried attending those churches and swallowing my beliefs and play along and pretend to believe in their beliefs just so my children could belong to their groups. But fact is, not only are those cliquish places where everyone seems to have their friends in place, but my dh does not want to play pretend so that our children can have friends. The result is that no one really wants to be friends with the single mom with 4 kids where they consider my dh to be a heathen. (my dh is Catholic). In the end, it is probably best to not teach my children things that go against our beliefs just so they will be accepted by these churches. The nearest group that allows you with no church affiliation is about an hour away. We tried to get involved before. But it was so hard. We would drive an hour to get there and then I would fill my younger 2 children up with junk food and such to try to get them to sit still for the 3 hrs each thing went along. There pretty much was never anything that both a 12 yr old and a 4 yr old could do. My 7 yr old has high functioning autism so it was extremely difficult to contain him. By the time we would go home, I would be broke from all the greasey junky junk food that I didn't even want my children filled up with. I was always extremely stressed each time. We gave that up at the end of the semester we were involved there. Even going back to area religious groups, they generally did not have teens show up for anything. Most activities were just for the moms and the once a month field trips were the same trips each year and no teens would come. I feel so stuck. We just went to a neighborhood activity last night and it ended how it always ends. DD coming home half way through bawling that she does not know how to speak to anyone. While there, I will even introduce her to someone and she will refuse to lift her head. She will hang it very low and say very very softly and slowly"my name is brit- aaaa neeee" She says her name so slow it sounds like that. I can see the other person trying to talk to her, but she walks off crying because she is so scared of speaking. It is awful. I find myself feeling angry that she will not even lift her head or say anything or otherwise. Last time, we came home and did roleplaying on how to speak to other kids and so on. She just kept bawling that she cannot speak. I am clueless what to do.
My 13 year old dd just joined the teen advisory group at the library. The teen group decorates the library for the holidays/reading programs, tells the library what books teens would like, new program suggestions, mentor the younger kids in the library programs and sometimes just social interaction. My dd only hangs out with 1 girl there (who is 15) , who also happens to be homeschooled! She does talk to the other kids but she finds the ones her age to be immature, the older kids think she is 15! She loves that. My dd's do go to an LDS church on Wednesday nights and some Sunday services , but my dh and I are not religious at all. Their best friends mother takes them all to the ward and then brings them home. My dh and I go to all of the performances, father/daughter dinners/dances and we do give to the ward when they need food donation or other charity servives the kids are involved in. We don't need to be a part of the ward to have our children go there, we trust the adults that they are with and we met with them all the time. That might be possible for you and your dh, you don't need to be a part of the church your children go to. We are not in a homeschool group either. We live in Vegas and have many options BUT the ones I went to the women were too into themselves and appearences, didn't let the kids be kids ( everything had to have educational benifits or the group didn't do it) or my dd's hated the kids. So we have neighborhood kids, church, craft class kids ( at Michaels and we meet one family there at a certain time) ,library classes and the library teen group, thats it. My other dd ( who is 11) is really shy, but once I started leaving her at the library classes without me there, she slowly started to open up. It took her about 4 classes to start talking and having fun. I had to leave her alone and I told her no matter what she had to do all 12 weeks of the class, she signed up and they counted on her being there. She cried the first couple of classes, but oh well. Now she loves the classes and signs up for them all the time. She even talks to the teens in the teen advisory group at the library , that wouldn't have happen 6 months ago.
Most of my 12 y/o's friends go to school. The biggest social outlets for her are dance class (competition team - 10-17 hrs/week) and neighborhood friends. She has a couple of good homeschooled girlfriends, too. She's had numerous sleepovers over the past few months, birthday parties, shopping, and tons of hanging out being a preteen. I would suggest seeing if she'd like to join a weekly club or sport. Stay with the church homeschool group, but pick and choose what you'd like to go to. My dd prefers the museum and theater trips and the educational classes our groups create rather than the hangout out ones like game or craft days. Don't worry about "pretending". You're there so your kids can meet other kids. Do they constantly discuss religion? Or can you just be yourself and bow out of those conversations? The local libraries around here have teen activities after school like knitting, poetry, open mic, and read-aloud-to Kindergarteners. My girls have also done community theater where they made lots of friends. Maybe she can volunteer at an animal shelter or environmental center. She really needs only one or 2 good friends to be able to hang with. I'm sure she'll find that in her own time. Don't worry. I know it's hard to know how to help.
Library teen groups? Community theater? Volunteer work? Sports and clubs? Your whole town requires that you be a member of the church to participate in anything? Where do you live?
We are in a suburb that is a small and upcoming town basically. We do not even have a movie theater but did get a Target a year or two ago. Until recently, even the grocery stores closed at night. There just is a lack of homeschoolers and homeschool groups. There is a church that has a homeschool group, but only grade schoolers ever do the once a month field trips. The other option has been to join a church and do the regular youth activities. The nearest Catholic church is actually 2 towns away, but I am not Catholic anyway, my dh is. There is a church I found in the next town over that is not too far off on the religious beliefs and seems to have an involved teen group. I have not actually attended so I do not know for sure, I just know the name of the denomination being one that is similar to mine. So it is not an issue of them discussing religion at homeschool events but rather that for the most part, the groups I am talking about are youth groups at churches, not homeschool groups. There are no homeschoolers in my neighborhood. I thought there was some sort of online place to enter your info and find homeschoolers near you, but I do not know where that is. We moved here summer 2007 (but moved from not far away) and have failed to find anyone anywhere nearby who homeschool. My daughter did have 2 friends, but due to all the building, it just takes longer and longer to get there. Doesn't really matter as both of them are going back to public school. I think my daughter could make friends with some neighborhood girls who go to public school near her age if she tried. But she just hangs her head and won't even try. I am often so puzzled by her behavior. For example, dh told me today that last night, DD sat down next to him and said she tried to go up to another girl there and talk about algebra and the girl was not interested. The girl closest to her age there was 10 yrs old. Even IF she were in algebra, why would anyone want to go to a social event and sit around talking algebra? I gave my daughter a list of things to talk about with other kids, and had her brain storm. We wrote it out and everything. Yet, today, as if she did not believe me, she approached her cheerleader cousin who is close in age and asked her if she wanted to talk about algebra. Her cousin was very nice about it. Her cousin is a little younger and told DD that she won't be taking algebra for several more years. (neice is in 6th grade and 12 yrs old and won't take it until 9th). I KNOW my daughter can remember at least something off the list of things I gave her. I sometimes feel like she really does freeze up and cannot handle things or remember things. Other times, I wonder if she is just being difficult and trying to make a point. There have been at least a couple girls in the last year I have tried to set her up with just to hang out with in our area in the last year. She just hangs her head and won't speak and we go through the above. One other idea is that we do have a homeschool store in the next town over. They offer some classes. We cannot afford to do a ton (I already spend a lot on cello lessons and swordsmanship) but I am considering just picking a class for her to take in the spring and telling her she just has to go whether she likes it or not. Do you think this would be a bad idea? I hope this clarifies things more. And there are dance classes in our area. Again, she claims to hate dance. She is really in to her Cello, but that is a private lesson thing. The swordsmanship is all boys except her.
I have a 12 year old daughter, who's a social little bug. I just recently was able to get her a e-pal. Maybe you should try something like that to start with? Maybe she won't worry with a written conversation and then she can work her way up to a person to person conversation. I even started a message board for my kids, more for typing skills more than anything they tend to write messages back and forth to each other. Than their friends come on there. I think it's hard for kids who are just shy. She sounds like a very smart kid. And maybe at the awkward stage. You know...if your looking for an e-pal let me know.
It sounds like it may just be her personality. Personally I would be happy if my daughter wanted to discuss algebra at that age rather than what is going on in ps. My dd14 hangs out with more adults than kids her own age and does fine. Maybe their is a group that helps make meals for the homeless in the area. I know our church in CA did that with the teens and my dd loved it. I also think that the library is also a great option. I know what you mean by living far out because I am 30 miles from town, very rural. Our outlets are piano lesson, youth group, quilting class, knot heads(lap robing), hunting and trapping. I try to not get all caught up in classes that cost $.
I know my oldest doesn't have much to do with children her age, no one around here for her. So, I just spend as much time as I can with her and do fun things. .
If you like you can sign up for the site I run, AccuKidz. It is owned by AccuWeather and is totally free and heavily moderated. It is a forum but the posts have to be approved before they appear so it is safe. The Girl Scout organization will be coming on board in a few months so then there will be many girls and I am talking to the Boy Scouts and other organizations along with many school districts. We are growing slowly but that is because of the moderation. To me it is about safety. If you are interested check it out HERE Also, have you thought about joining a Girl Scout troop? Call your local council ... they will call a troop nearby. Also, my 11 year old is a social butterfly, and tends to seek out those who sit by themselves. I have encouraged her to do so, and she has made some great friends that way. If she wants to talk to her, post a thread on AccuKidz, her name is Hannah. She will reply. BeckyB AccuKidz Director .. and mainly MOM!
