I have a problem with my brother and his wife. Basically, my brother married a woman of another race. This was not an issue with any of us. We welcomed her with open arms. There would be plenty to say negative, but no one did, nor did they think it. We just accepted the marriage and do not meddle and so on. This is just how people in my family are. And we greatly respect the union of marriage and so no one would ever say or try anything to come between spouses and so on. BUT, it turns out, SIL (sister-in-law) has a fair number of racist relatives. She herself had been married multiple times and never had any children with my brother. She openly admits that at least one of her past marriages broke up due to her having an affair. I took a long time to catch on to this situation that has been happening, so as to why it went on so long before I started to be bothered by it, lets just say, I tend to believe good in people and did not realize there was anything behind it. For certain holidays, we (as in my sisters and our families and our parents) would be invited to SIL and my brother's place for dinner and celebration. I never thought anything of this. But after a while, it came out that the younger children in the family were telling my children and my neices that they were not wanted there and should not be there because of skin color and they would say our children were not really a part of their family. Plus, with the adults, no matter how nice we would be, they would often not talk much to us or flip in to a different language. Turns out, they were insulting us (my sister took that language in high school so she knows some). It was obvious to even me though, as they would break in to English and back to that language at specific moments where it was clear they wanted us to know they were insulting us. My SIL would not come to anything at my house and rarely at my parents house even. Eventually, it became clear that the only reason she invited us to her house is that my brother was doing the inviting and she did not want us there. She just wanted her own family thing with her family. So my sister and I came up with the idea that I would invite everyone to my house for dinner on Christmas eve. I asked at Thanksgiving when everyone was present. Everyone agreed. But apparently, later, my SIL told my brother that she would not come to my house. I have always been wonderful to my SIL! But it was not conveyed to me until about a week and a half before Christmas. My brother is my parents only son and therefore, the favored child. My brother announced that he was having Christmas eve dinner at his house and that we had to come to his house. We all live in pretty much the same area. I said no way, we are already going to my house. My mother informed me this was just the way it was and she was the grandma so she gets to decide where we have dinner and when I am the grandma, I will get to decide. So I put my foot down and said no way would I go to my brother's house for Christmas eve under these circumstances. Thinking back, this was not the first time something I had planned and invited people to had been cancelled by my mother or such. It is just that I never read in to it for what it is before. Even my own little sister started pressuring to just go to my brother's house to not make waves. But I stood my ground. In the end, that year, we compromised and ate at a restaurant. Then on Christmas morning, I had bought my brother a very special, special ordered present. He opened it and his wife asked him who it was from and when it was said it was from me, she grabbed it out of his hands and threw it to the side and told him they would not keep it. We have not exchanged presents since. Then last year, my brother went out of town so we ate at my house. In between, my brother continues to hold dinners and other such things at his house. I generally say no, but it is hard when my grandmother is in town as she is in her 80's and I do not want to pull her in to the fighting going on here. I tried to discuss this Christmas eve with my mother already and she wants to wait on my brother. My older sister only comes in to town once a year. She is tired of all the stuff and fighting with my brother and his wife, and she really does not want to make waves, so she found it easier to stop visiting. This is the only time of year I see her. My older sister is single and childless and seems even incapable of handling things like family conflict. She turns to the weakest people (me and my younger sister) and asks us to fold so that everyone can just pretend to be happy so she can be happy. I fully intend to keep to the whole not going to my brother's on Christmas eve. But my mother will not even tell me what she does want to do because she is waiting on my brother. I am starting to wonder if I should make other plans and then just not see any of them for Christmas eve? Meanwhile, this Sunday is my brother's 40th birthday party. They always have things like this going on. My brother had called me and when he said something about seeing me Sunday, I did not know what he was talking about. Apparently, his wife "forgot" to give me an invitation. She treats both my sisters this way too. I had already told our children we were going to 6 Flags this Sunday. I thought of moving 6 Flags to Friday (tomorrow) but it is supposed to be int he 40's tomorrow. It is supposed to be 70 degrees on Sunday. Ok..thanks in advance for your kind help. (aka, unkind help not needed, LOL)
What a tough situation. Here is what I would do. I would not under any circumstances go to your brothers house and be ridiculed or made to feel unwelcome. (especially the kids!! ugh) I would tell my(your) brother why. "your wife and her family has made it very plain we are not welcome." I would ask my(your) mother if she would be willing to do something at your house on the 23rd or whatever. I would invite your brother, and (gritted teeth) his wife to this event. If sisters come to town, they can come to your house to see you and go to his house to see him. there ya go. On the Grandmother thing...I have nothing. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around such pettiness and horridness. Do at that point what you feel led to do. Obviously your mother has made her choices...it is painfull for you and I feel for you. But you are right to protect yourself and your family from this uglyness. Make your dinners/events not attached to the holidays if possible. I would tell your brother that you love him, and invite him to lunch for his b-day, rather than attend a big family party. On the other hand, I am not a big family person......so it may be tougher to cut your losses on this. hugs.
Wow..that's terrible. It's terrible that everyone lets her rule the family like that and takes the insults. I'm sorry, if it were me as much as it would hurt. I would make it clear your uncomfortable at his home because of it and that if he or anyone wants to see you they are more than welcome to stop by at your home. I don't think it's right that she does this. Is she jealous and just not friendly? I know my sister occasionally felt uncomfortable around her dh and his family because they would often talk in the other language and it made her feel bad and weird. So she finally said that they had to talk english around her or leave.
oh yea, I might also explain to the kids that there is really no such thing as race...just culture. And that people will take anything to use as predjudice... Hispanics...if that is what you are talking about, are "racially" white. I admit that they may have some grievances about oppression. I have decided to never mark a "race" on another form. I am human...and that is what I write in the box. sigh. Sorry for the soapbox. We are at least as 'Muttish' as Obama in this family...you almost cannot get out of 'our' race. he he....cuz we are all of it!
I think this needs to be you AND your husband, brother AND his wife. The issue really is between you and your sil. You are the two that really need to work it out. But with all four of you present, she can't come back later and say, "Well, SHE said....", etc. Perhaps you can all four come to some kind of agreement, and your brother can "help" her keep her end of it.
My brother has no interest in getting along. This is all about my mother favoring my brother big time because he is the only son and she always wanted boys. Then my brother allowing this behavior with his wife to continue. On occassion, my brother has talked of leaving her, but I never get involved in those conversations because even though I cannot stand how she has treated me and my sisters and our children, I would never be the one to throw stones or break up a marriage.
If your brother does not want to talk things out, then I would start planning Christmas at your house and Christmas Eve pop in and out don't stay long and teach your kids certain words in another language so they can understand what is being said and speak back to the 'cousins' I always think that letting someone know that they are not getting away with anything is important. She and her relatives will think they won other wise.. So get your sis to teach you some simple phrases that make them wonder if you all know what they said... it will imberass them and put them in thier place without saying anything wrong. I would say, when it is mentioned that everyone was going to his house, " oh I am sorry we have plans already but we can come for a short visit, just to keep the peace" then you can pop in, be the life of the party, and then without being a pain, leave. This way you save face as they say as well as keep the peace being the more mature person. The words I would choose to learn are thank you, you look wonderful today, how nice! things like that, complements so that they are amazed etc. I would try first to talk to my(your) brother first though, cause then you can say you tried. Then make plans for guests , friends, or relatives to come to yoru home on Christmas Day, if they choose not to come, leave thier gifts under the tree, if they come try and be as gracious as you possibly can. Let them know that if thye don t like a gift they can feel free to take it back and exchange it, or you will for them... this usually lets the person feel released from liking something. I have had a hard time with some of my relatives in the past and I have to say the only way to get through things is to be gracious and full of mercy toward them... remember you catch my flies with honey than with vinegar!
I think this may be similar to what you mean, but just in case...I would just teach the kids to smile at everyone and say, "My mom told me it was rude to whisper in front of everyone, or to speak a language not everyone can understand. I'm sure you don't mean to be rude." Or something like that. Not petty, still pointing out and standing up for yourself. The realistic result will likely be that they mutter in said other language evil things about you, but you (and your kids) will have stood your ground and looked them in the eye, without resorting to pettiness. I got nothing else for ya, OP. My dh's family are very close, and my dh's grandmother - who thinks she is his mother, thus giving me TWO MILs - hates me and told me almost from the day we were engaged, as well as on our wedding day, that we would wind up divorced inside a year. Now when we get together, she just mutters about how she told dh it was a mistake to marry me. I just get up and walk out - oh, yes, and I moved 14 hours away so I no longer have to deal with it. Your mom has made her choice. Parents can really stink (my mom is the same way about my bro). All you can do is say, this is what is best for my immediate family, we would like you to be there, and go from there. I like the 23rd suggestion, which still allows you to see your family, but if you ultimately decide that only one celebration works best for you and the kids, do it, and then pray REALLY HARD not to feel resentful towards your mom and your bro for being <insert your own adjective so I don't wind up calling your family names, LOL>. Good luck, SG
Actually, it seems to me that the very core of all this is about pleasing your mother. Your brother has made a choice. Your mother has made a choice. You cannot change their choices, you can only control how you respond to their choices with your own choices. If you are content with them making plans for your own family for Christmas, then let them. If not, make your own. Same for the weekend. Wishing you well.
I think what I meant is not to let them think they are better than your kids, thats why I said for them to learn hwo to say, pretty much what Scottie said, in thier own language. Nicely. Not to say anything bad, but to give a kind retort that will set them into motion. It may actually be a good ice breaker for the kids too. Like "wow they can speak our language?" sometimes is all that it takes... I also really want to emphasise working on how it is effecting your family unit. Don't extend that to the rest of the family if it is a problem for the kids. I have had to learn not to celebrate with certain relatives in my own because of how they are, or where they live, etc at times. I instead plan our own celebrations and they kind of fit us into the plans they have as we find it convienent, in thier eyes, but its actually my way of being connected with out having to be a part of the calamity of the situation.... I think I said that clear enough? Don't make waves, but start your own island!
I don't think this could be said any better. I learned in counseling [dealing with my in-laws abusive behaviors] that you train people in how to treat you. If you don't want to go to your brother's because of the poor treatment you get there, then don't go. This is the way they've chosen to be, and Seeking has said, you can't change them, just yourself. I feel for you. It's never fair when someone who's a jerk gets to have everything their way. I personally wouldn't go and wouldn't feel bad about it. If my brother asked me why I won't come, I'd be honest in my response and as cool as ice water when I gave it. I'd make it clear that SIL doesn't have to like me, but she'll darn well treat me and my family respectfully if I'm going to be there.
We have experienced this "choosing" thing in my DH's family. I'm sorry - I know he finds it very hurtful. When it first became an issue for us was after our first child was born. What helped us was deciding that as the new adult generation, it was time for us to create our own holiday traditions. It was difficult for my DH, because he really loved his extended family's celebrations (I did, too, for the few years we participated), but it turned out to be the right decision. First, we have ended up moving a lot. When you are all "alone" (i.e., no extended family in the area), having your own traditions really helps at the holidays. Second, sadly, the "choosing" one relative over another has escalated. I'm sure if we had continued attending holiday functions as we did, there would have been more unhappiness. Having our own plans, our own traditions created a good place for us that made the whole competition a non-issue.
I"m not sure why they'd expect you to go somewhere for a "party" or "fun time" or "get-together" when it's NOT a party for you, it's NOT fun and noone's together when you are treated that way! Come on, what if you said,, "Let's go have a picnic on the front lines of the war in Iraq! Come on, I won't be happy if you don't go....we'll have so much fun!!!" Would they want to go? Would they have a fun time? NO! They'd think you were crazy! That's a little over-exxagerated, but, good grief, noone should be "required" to go somewhere where they are constantly attacked/abused, especially your children! Someone has to talk to someone and explain, as if mom and brother didn't already know, how you are treated. EVERYONE is special in God's eyes! Everyone is a special person and deserves to be treated respectfully! If they can't follow that simple social rule, then you don't have to put up with going.
Our Christmas is planned around what we want to do. If it works with the plans of our extended family, GREAT! If not, GREAT!
We used to rush to Wa for every holiday, but it got to be too much trying to please everyone, and when my parents left this world well thats when I made the decision and dh backed me up, that we could not do it every time. So I have opened invitation to family to come to our home, they wont come, but they have the invite. I plan memories for my own kids, caroling nights, which are not always so big, and little things the kids like to do , they are welcome to invite friends over too, that sort of thing helps your kids to feel like family not singled out. I agree with the ladies who are saying you do not have to go there.
I do not tolerate racism either way. We all bleed red blood ... that is all that matters. If my SIL ridiculed my children because of their race she would not see them again. If my brother wanted to see the girls, he knows where to find them. Simple as that. Of course I would let my SIL know why I do not attend affairs at her house. Becky
