My 7 year old is very bright but for some reason, doesnt believe in himself. I know he can do it but he thinks he cant. Whether its a academic related problem or playing soccer on the field, he gets all tense and woundup and just shrugs and walks away. The more I plead or persuade, the further he pulls away. What are some things I can do to build his self-confidence?
I have a simmilar situation, but I don't read it as lack of self confidence but of perfectionism run amok. ds8 will not try or do anything because he is pretty sure he won't do it right. Wouldn't take Karate because he didn't know how to do Karate...um...that is the whole reason for the lessons!! Wouldn't write his NAME for the longest time...dd21 finally pulled out her old papers from kinder and showed him how messy her first starts were, and now she has nice writing...that did the trick. Other than the writing...I don't know, never did get him into Karate. I am working on both boys to get them to DO something even if it is wrong.
I would encourage you to give him words of affirmation time and time again. My dd#3, who is also 7, is very hard on herself. She can do things, do them well but doesn't think she will to begin with. Maybe make a list for him. Write down what he has done correctly, has learned successfully or has given good effort on (even if he failed) and give him this list after you have ten items written down. Maybe he needs hugs or pats on the back when he is trying or has finally gotten it after the struggle. Maybe he needs his favorite cookie after he gets it right or accomplishes a feat. Positive, positive, he needs to hear the positive in his way! Wishing you success in reaching him.
My oldest is like that. I tried breaking things down in to really small steps each building on the other. She would agree she could do the first step, then I'd coax her to the next. She came home from PS school when she was 8, and I had to do this ALL the time. Now she is almost 12 and is much more willing to try new harder things on her own without me spoon feeding her the "baby step" approach. Best wishes.
Have you looked into a sport like karate? I know our center stresses respect for self and others and trains specifically in acknowledging your successes and failures as being YOUR responsibility. I've seen our kids' instructor stop and praise a child for something they're noticing they're doing well that day. He'll then ask, "How does that make you feel?" Karate's a good way for a child to achieve and advance on a personal level. How they progress is based entirely on their own choices, and so they can really 'own' their successes. On a team, a child with low confidence can easily write off anything they do as, "Well, I was only able to do that because so and so did this. Anybody could've done what I did because of that." One thing I've noticed from teaching in a classroom and observing my kids in this karate class is that kids know genuine praise and empty praise. There's no point in gushing about everything because the child knows if they've earned that compliment or not. To that end, I criticized and praised very specifically.
I agree wholeheartedly with the martial art solution. I teach Taekwondo, and martial arts are a wonderful remedy for a lack of self-confidence. I often see children whose parents bring them in for this reason perk up within a week or two in terms of building more personal confidence. I know I'm biased, but I've seen fewer things work better, and I've received many testimonials from parents of how it's helped their child in this respect. Good luck! Judy
I'm glad you asked this question because my DD is almost 6 but is a lot like that. She is extremely hard on herself and I have been trying to boost her self esteem.
Thanks for all your advise ladies. Today we were at a playdate and my son was very upset. He hit another child and was so surprised and upset he did that, he is not a violent boy at all, he hit himself on the head and started crying. I knew he felt bad but I had a talk with him anyways saying that kind of behaviour is completely unacceptable and to go to the boy and apologize. To be fair, the parent came to me and said that right away my son went to the boy and said sorry and then ran to the dad and told him what he did. What broke my heart was that my son told me that he wants to go to his room and lock himself and never come out. That everyone will be happy that way. He also said that "Im not a smart boy". He was in tears and I couldnt console him. Another friend came by and asked to him to play so hesitantly, he went. He was fine after that. Im so upset that he has such low self-esteem. I dont know where it came from...he's only 7! Maybe its me that is always on him to do his work properly, do his chores right, and always being around to check on him. I fear that maybe he was bullied in school and didnt tell me? I dont know. He is such a sweet and gently boy (and im not just saying this b/c im his mom...everyone says it). Im obsessed with building his self esteem because I think that if he continues this way, it will affect him in all aspects of his life. :cry:
In all seriousness, definitely try martial arts for him. They don't spar at all on the beginning levels. My kids learn self-defense and practice kicks and punches; all the kids are lined up according to rank and practice kicking air, not each other. My daughter, who is particularly shy around people when she first meets them, is starting to really improve to a point where others are noticing. And I've seen kids in their class who have changed noticeably--- and that's just to me! If you can, look into martial arts academies in your area and see if you can find a good fit. I know ours has a free session to try it out.
I hope you can find something to help the poor little guy. And it's not you, telling him to do his work properly isn't wrong. It's what your suppose to do, just enforce that he's doing a good job and that you appreciate how much time he takes to make it right.
I think you need to discover why your son has low self-confidence. There are several reasons I've found. 1. Fear of failure, or perfectionism run amok (as one poster said!) 2. Overwhelm. Not sure what to do first so does nothing. 3. Past injury--fear of another injury. I've been teaching gymnastics for 19 years so I work differently with each child. If it's #1 I have the child make mistakes on purpose. I keep telling them "don't do it right! How else can you do it wrong?" We do this until the child is laughing (they ALWAYS laugh in the end!) and their fear of being perfect disappears, for that skill at least. If it's #2 you just need to break it down into little parts, as another poster said. Break it down into parts they can do, then praise them a lot. If it's #3 that's just doing a lot of talking, and sometimes pushing them to get over it. I have the child do whatever it is in a place where they feel safe. Sometime with my daughter it's her practicing in her room with the door closed. Just talk to your son and see which one it is. Sometimes it's different for each activity so what works for one might not work for the other. That's where they fool ya into thinking you don't have the answer...because what worked before doesn't work now! I've found it's always one of those three things...so good luck!
well I have a 16 year old who is really hard on her self yet to this date, so I don't know we tell her all the time she is pretty and do the best she can, she is doing alot better as she has gotten older, but yes she was just like your son.
We had this problem until just this year, but it was only with math. For some reason, he would tell everyone he was bad at math, and if he didn't get all the math questions right he would cry (he just turned 12 this week). So I decided to change the approach and we discussed how making mistakes can be a good thing - if we learn from it. Then, every time we blew a quiz or got some wrong in the workbook, we would sit down and figure our how what the mistake was and what we could learn from it. It took Edison over 2000 tries to invent the light bulb. When asked about his 2000 failures, he replied: "I didn't fail. I just figured out 2000 ways NOT to make a lightbulb." It is all in how you look at it. BTW: my son is now like a math genius - it comes easily and his current overall math grade is at 97%. That from a kid who was "bad at math" just last year!
The part about wanting to lock himself in his room and saying everyone would be better off if he stayed in there is a little troubling. I feel for you, as you try to help him. If this isn't the first time he's said something like this, maybe a little counseling would help. But definitely an activity, too, where he doesn't have to compare himself to others, such as martial arts. Please keep us updated - I feel for the little guy!
Self-esteem problem I agree with the comment about being tied in with perfectionism. You might want to try and get hold of a copy of "Survival guide for Parents of Gifted Kids" by Sally Yahnke Walker. Evan some public libraries have it! You'll find that this 'lack of self esteem" can indeed be the perfectionist way of avoiding somethign that the child might not be able to do as well as they want- so they stubbornly avoid it. Suggestions: breaking things down into small steps so that you and your child can MEASURE the success. From keeping pieces of writing, or artwork, tapes of them reading a story, video of them playing a sport etc - PUT IT AWAY for at least a couple of months and have another look at it then. You will both hopefully all amazed by the differences now shown! Also, sometimes a sparents we praise THINHS that our kids produce --"WOW that;s sucha great story, ann!" or "Jo, you do the most WONDERFUL paintings!" The child ten ties the praise into the PRODUCTION of something worthwhile; and my reasonin is that we should be reinforxing the BEHAVIOUR the child demonstrated. So it's not "WOW that neat picture" but also "I really liked the way you stuck at that even though it was frustrating you sometimes, you shower real PERSISTENCE". (You've got to teach them this kind of vocabulary for thinking behaviours too!) Some such examles are: resilience (keeping on going even when something you hate happens); persistence (not giving up); being brave enough to experiment with different ideas, methods, medium; doing things that are creative and original and different to others; doing things that are meant to please or honour someone else. That way, we are reinforcing the child (especially bright children, who don't miss on subtle nuance here!) that we value their EFFORTS, their zMETHODS, and their IDEAS much much more than just the final product. I've used this with my own 3 in homeschooling, an also as a teacher of gifted-children classes. It works! Takes time and many reinforcements, but one day a chid will say something like "Well that piece didn't turn out the way I wanted to, but I really stuck at it and got to try some new combinations!" And do try and locate a copy of the book!! Best regards JEAN in New Zealand
Self Esteem? I agree with the comment about being tied in with perfectionism. You might want to try and get hold of a copy of "Survival guide for Parents of Gifted Kids" by Sally Yahnke Walker. Evan some public libraries have it! You'll find that this 'lack of self esteem" can indeed be the perfectionist way of avoiding somethign that the child might not be able to do as well as they want- so they stubbornly avoid it. Suggestions: breaking things down into small steps so that you and your child can MEASURE the success. From keeping pieces of writing, or artwork, tapes of them reading a story, video of them playing a sport etc - PUT IT AWAY for at least a couple of months and have another look at it then. You will both hopefully all amazed by the differences now shown! Also, sometimes a sparents we praise THINHS that our kids produce --"WOW that;s sucha great story, ann!" or "Jo, you do the most WONDERFUL paintings!" The child ten ties the praise into the PRODUCTION of something worthwhile; and my reasonin is that we should be reinforxing the BEHAVIOUR the child demonstrated. So it's not "WOW that neat picture" but also "I really liked the way you stuck at that even though it was frustrating you sometimes, you shower real PERSISTENCE". (You've got to teach them this kind of vocabulary for thinking behaviours too!) Some such examles are: resilience (keeping on going even when something you hate happens); persistence (not giving up); being brave enough to experiment with different ideas, methods, medium; doing things that are creative and original and different to others; doing things that are meant to please or honour someone else. That way, we are reinforcing the child (especially bright children, who don't miss on subtle nuance here!) that we value their EFFORTS, their zMETHODS, and their IDEAS much much more than just the final product. I've used this with my own 3 in homeschooling, an also as a teacher of gifted-children classes. It works! Takes time and many reinforcements, but one day a chid will say something like "Well that piece didn't turn out the way I wanted to, but I really stuck at it and got to try some new combinations!" And do try and locate a copy of the book!! Best regards JEAN in New Zealand
what about pointing out to your son when you make mistakes and letting him know its okay and show what steps you take to fix your mistake. maybe if he realizes that MOM makes mistakes too he won't be so hard on himself. of course he will still love you even when you screw up so hopefully he will make that connection and still love himself?? kids seem to learn so much more by watching what we do then by us trying to teach them what they 'should' do.
