Okay, this is sort of bugging me, and I'm not quite sure if I'm being overly protective. Let me start by saying that I fully acknowledge my son was in the wrong, told him so, and took him over to apologize once I figured out what the situation was. That said, I don't think he was the ONLY one in the wrong... My neighbors have an open door policy, at least the mom does. My kids are over there playing all the time, and they've been told they can play on the swing set even when the kids aren't home, although I do require them to ask first. The kids keep a lot of toys in their garage, and my understanding is that the mom has given them carte blanche to go in and get what they want. So yesterday they were over there playing and the dad told the kids NOT to go in the garage. My 6 yo DS went in anyway. The dad yelled at the kids - I'm not sure if at all of them or if just at DS6 - and told them that they could NEVER come back. So my 7 yo is in tears because she thinks she has lost a friend, and my 6 yo is bawling. (My 4 yo didn't care, LOL.) Like I said, I full acknowledge my DS was in the wrong. I told him that if someone says they are NOT to go into some part of their house, we respect that. I took him back over to apologize to our neighbors. I went to the front door first, where the mom told me she didn't know what had happened, just that all of a sudden she could hear her husband yelling while she was inside the house. Which means he was VERY loud. Now, I know most adults are in general big and scary, but this guy towers over my husband; he's at least 6'3 and probably closer to 6'5. I really think he scared my kids. Anyway, I kind of thought he might say something about overreacting when DS apologized but...he didn't. I dunno, am I too overprotective to think that him yelling at my kids was a bit over the top? I understand being upset and I understand sending them home, but he has to realize too that his wife constantly sends the opposite message and my 6 yo said - and I believe him - that he just forgot. Not an excuse, but I would think that would at least make the guy pause. Either way, the kids have been thoroughly talked to about respecting others boundaries and possessions, and I'll remind them before they go over again. But, um, I'm kind of inclined to keep them home when the dad is there. Am I overreacting? Did he overreact? Would love your thoughts.
It stings a lot when we feel someone has not been nice to our children. There have been many times that I wanted to slap someone up side the head for hurting my kids feelings. That being said, in the future I would just make sure that your kids don't go into the garage if they are told no. Perhaps the guy felt like he overreacted later but didn't want to take away from your ds' apology. I would just forget it and move on, as long as your children were not hurt physically. There are going to be many times in life that your kids will get their feelings hurt and this is just practice to get through life. Perhaps the dh did not know the policy his wife placed on the garage, for some reason he did not want anyone in his garage which is his right. I do not agree with the manner in which he conveyed his messege though. (((( ))))
did you explain anything to the wife? I'm sure she would talk it ouver and even if the guy didn't realize he over reacted he might once they talk...... yet he still might not say anything .......... in time I'm sure your kids (and you) will be more comfortable, but I'd give it some time before you send the kids over there while the dad is home........ and kids do talk......... I'm sure the point will get accross that your kids were a bit afraid of the dad
Maybe you could go over there and talk to both of them to get the whole story? Maybe there was a reason he did not want the kids in the garage that day. Maybe he was cleaning or working on a project and needed to have the garage to himself. On the other side of the coin, maybe his wife did not communicate to her husband that she had given permission for the kids to come over and do whatever they want. Perhaps all her husband saw was the "annoying" neighbor kids coming in without permission. Telling them never to come back was kind of harsh. It's a good lesson for your kids to learn that when an adult says something, they mean it. Also, different adults have different temperments. Not everyone is up for giving second chances. Hopefully you can see what the communication breakdown was. Usually people don't just freak out like that for no reason, sounds like the husband already disliked your kids for some reason and hopefully you can find out why. It sounds like your son going into the garage when he was told not to was the "last straw." If you can't patch things up among adults, I'd keep your children at your house and invite the neighbors over instead of sending your kids over.
If the dad said for your kids to never come back and didn't say anything different when you took your son to say he was sorry, I would not let them go back. The dad sounds like he just lost his temper for some reason, but he needs to be the one to say they can come back and play since he is the one that said not to. Personally I would have a hard time letting the kids go play after he blew up like that. He may be a great guy who just lost his temper, but yelling like that? I don't know.
I did not read the responses so if I echo something, I apologize. Yes, your son was wrong. Kids are often wrong and your boy is only 6. If this guy has kids he should understand that kids are kids. You made the kid go over and apologize...that was awesome. At that point it really should be over. Your children should not have to suffer a long time for something so minor. As far as the guy's behavior....maybe he doesn't think he was over the top because that's how he always is. Or maybe he is againt this open door policy and completely irked by it. Maybe he wanted a reason to close the door. My neighors to my right and across the street that told me my kids could play in their backyard even if they are not home. I NEVER allow it. I thank them for their kindness but tell my kids they are not allowed. I also would never allow my kids to keep toys at a neighbor's house. Now, I am not saying you are wrong for accepting such generosity. I am saying that I don't like dealing with problems that may ensue from arrangements such as this. I just feel that eventually anytime kids are involved something will happen. lol. I also know I would perfer kids to stay out of my backyard if I am not there. I don't trust the judgement of my own kids at times much less another person's children. lol. I don't want something to happen that may have been easily prevented if I were home. Kids too quickly feel a familarity that adults take more time to feel. My kids feel like they and the neighbors are practically related. LOL. I think you need to close the door on the open door policy for the sake of your relationship with the neighbor and your children's friendship with the neighbor kids Tell your kids that it is for the best since it kinda sucks that they can't play with their own toys if they cannot get into a garage that is not their own. Also, there is no sense if risking anything like this again. Thank them for their kindness but you think everyone needs to have privacy or at least have the ability to dictate if someone goes in their garage. Are you being overprotective? I would be upset as well. My neighbor told my kid not to use sidewalk chalk in front of his house and I was a bit miffed. Miffed because he blamed my older dd because she was out there when the younger one did it. Also because I was home and if he had a problem he could have just talked to me. He didn't even yell. lol. I don't mind adults nicely and calmly explaining the rules of their own homes. I do mind when you discipline my child when you could just come to me. If my child is a problem, yes, calmly tell my child to leave and then call me. I wouldn't yell at someone else's kid. Well...okay...I did once when the kid knocked my dd to the ground. At any rate, this is only my opinion. I hope your situaton works out for the best.
Did he over react? Yes. Are you over reacting? Yes. I am the "give the benefit of the doubt" sort of person. He was having a bad day, had a head ache, got laid off, his best friend got laid off - you don't know. And maybe he doesn't agree with his wife's policy. He didn't threaten them, hurt them or chase them. Most men can be scary to little kids, and most grown-ups too if they try. Your son will certainly never go into their garage again if he is around. He won't apologize. Men think very differently than women in that area. From his point of view it is his house and the neighbor kid broke a rule. He had every right to speak any way he chose. And many men don't feel that kids are owed an apology by adults anyway. Only you can answer if you feel comfortable letting your kids go back over there while he is home. And if he really said not to come back anymore, then you might want to actually speak to the wife AND husband and find out if that is what he really meant. We are all guilty of giving kids threats that we don't really mean or have any intention of following through on. You need to find out what his real intention was. And if he really means it, then that is that.
I was thinking about this today, and I remembered something that happened to us. The kids & I were at a neighbors, and the kids were playing in the woods behind the yard. The neighbor/dad kept saying, "Don't go back there if you're not wearing socks. There is lots of poison ivy, so don't go back if you don't have socks on." So, the kids were back there playing merrily and I was with the little ones, probably, and this dad keeps saying this over and over (and I am not getting it, can you tell?). This particular neighbor is a non-confrontational kind of person (I can't ever imgine him yelling), but he started mumbling to himself about the kids and poison ivy and socks...and I realized he thought my kids weren't wearing socks(!). I quickly explained that they were wearing socks, but they were the short socks and maybe he couldn't see them, etc. I am quite sure my children heard him and thought, "Great! We're all set, what's poison ivy anyway?" So, it's possibly your kids did hear this guy and just didn't process it the way you or I would have because of what the wife has always said in the past. For me, if he said that, my kids would not go back over. Yes, maybe he did over react, but it is his home and he very clearly rescinded any previously standing open invitation. And (remember, this is me), a re-issuing of the invitation from the mom wouldn't be enough. I'd either want to hear it from him, or maybe my DH chat with him about it (sometimes guys have a mysterious way of working things out in garages and during ball games...). Otherwise, my kids would not be over there without me or DH present. One more thing...I probably would not allow my kids to go in and out of someone else's house as if it were there own, even if the owner's said it was okay. When I was in high school, one of my friend's parent had this policy. One day, a mututal friend went over and let herself in, and over heard an argument between the husband and wife. The husband and wife immediately realized their policy wasn't flawless, and promptly informed the friend that from that point on, she had to knock. I know she felt like a heel, but it wasn't her fault at all. I just think it's best practice give people their space and to respect boundaries, even when they say you don't have to.
This was nicely stated. I also agree about the guy apologizing. Tell you the truth...I spoke harshly at a kid for not listening and being a jerk and I wasn't sorry. I didn't scream at the kid or threaten the kid but I was very firm. Maybe the guy felt that was how he was being. Also...just because the wife heard something on the inside of the house didn't mean he was yelling. I can hear my kids just talking. Kids also have a different interpretation of yelling most of the time anyway. Talk to the neighbors and bring your stuff home. Or have you already spoken to them? How did you decide on handling this?
Hi thanks everyone! I gave it some time and got my bruised feelings calmed down. Maybe I should clarify: it's more of an "open yard" policy so they don't go in the house without knocking - or they better not. And the dad did say when we went over to apologize that the kids could come over any time they wanted, but that he was tired and didn't feel like cleaning up toys that got left out - which prompted me to talk to my kids about ALWAYS cleaning up at someone else's house. He's out of town and on the road alot, and you're right, he was probably just having a bad day. DH and I have decided to keep the kids closer to home for the most part. And actually, I just remembered that BECAUSE the dad is out of town so much, I have told the kids in the past to come home when he is there, simply because I'm sure he wants to spend time with his kids; his son dotes on him. I think I just needed to vent more than anything. And good point about the house; on closer thought the garage door could easily have been open. Thanks everyone for the feedback and for listening! SG
Glad you are feeling better. It is hard on us MamaBears when we feel our BabyBears have not been treated well. (((( ))))
