We all know that socialization doesn't happen in school but I'm getting heavily criticized because my stepdaughter has problems getting along with kids her own age. She's wonderful with adults and with little kids but with kids her own age she has a lot of trouble. I set up playdates with other kids and they all seem to end with her being upset. She's been to numerous birthday parties and she always wants to leave partway through. She claims the other kids are "being mean to her." I was at one of the parties and I she got upset and pouted because she didn't get to sit by the birthday girl. The kids, from what I can tell, aren't being mean to her. They're just not wanting to do what she wants to do. They may all want to play Bozo Buckets and she wants to play Darts, so they go play Bozo Buckets and she's left at the darts by herself. She refuses to go play what they are playing, and she says it's "being mean." I wouldn't worry if she didn't care about it (because some people are just more comfortable with one-on-one) but I also have to deal with her tears and wanting to go to the parties. She's very excited to go, and then disappointed and upset later. She's an outgoing kid, and may just be on the bossy/headstrong side. My peers (and other moms) get this smug look on their face and suggest we put her back in public school (as if THAT would solve our problem!) How can we help her? Or should we just keep encouraging her to go to social events and she'll work it out on her own?
What about asking her if she wants to do something like dance/ballet/pottery/etc. You can enroll her and maybe she will find some friends there. Since there are no other choices except dance or not dance then there isn't much to get upset about. Or you could just sit her down and tell her the truth. Those kids aren't being mean they are just not doing what you want to do. Tell her she needs to learn to compromise, she cannot always get her way when ever she wants to. Tell others it is none of their business and leave it at that. Truthfully it is no one elses business but your families. Sounds like she needs to learn a few compromising skills more then social skills. JMO GL
I think you should continue to encourage her to go to parties and other social activities but she needs to know that she doesn't direct the tone of the party unless she is the birthday girl. She can't expect to go to a function and have her own way about who sits where and what games are played. Maybe she gets along so well with younger kids because they will do what she wants more easily? I would just sit her down and talk to her about her behavior - it isn't polite for her to attend another child's bday party and then think she can run everything or leave when she doesn't get her way. Tell her how it might make other people feel, let her know these kids are not being mean because they want to do something else.
Some YMCAs offer sports or health classes for home-schoolers. We chose to incorporate some home-school language classes where our daughter shared the class with some other home-schoolers. She also participated in a home-school chorale, which was great for social interaction. Our oldest son played on a home-school baseball team. On another topic, are there other children of similar age living on your street? Can you encourage them to get together from time to time?
Thanks for the suggestions! She's going to be 8 in 1 week. She's already in tumbling and swimming and she's tried soccer, Karate and dance. She's my stepdaughter, so I have a lot of factors to deal with when working with her. I guess I'm not sure how to help her understand why kids don't like it when she's bossy. She even orders us around the house, which I don't tolerate. I've been looking long and hard about how we treat her and I've made a big effort to not order her around (because kids learn what they live) and to talk politely at all times to her and to my husband. It's so trying on me because when she announces "get me some milk!" I just want to yell back at her. Manners are not important to anyone in her life except me. And whether or not she has friends is not important to anyone in her life except me! I just want her to be happy. She's not happy NOT going to parties (upset that she's bored and no one likes her) and she's not happy going. Perhaps I should just let her be for a while?
My dd has done that before - telling me to do something like get her milk and I said excuse me but we do not have maid service in this house. If you need something you can either ask for it politely or not ask at all. Now if she slips up I just say excuse me and give her the look and she quickly asks with a please and thank you. I also say the same thing about maid service if they leave their plates on the table to things laying around. This isn't the Holiday Inn and nobody here is getting paid to pick up your crap so unless they have a broken arm their stuff is their responsibility. Maybe if she keeps acting that way she will stop getting invited to parties and that will be a wake up call for her.
I would respond with" I'm sorry are you talking tome? Because that is NOT the way we respect our elders!" As for teaching her respect, if she is being a brat about it I would let her live and learn myself. I would explain to her when she cries that they are mean, that is how it feels when she ordersother people around, let her see how others feel in how she feels, itshould work!
I think you nailed it perfectly! She must excpect to get her way if that is how she behaves. Behavior is learned. Is your step dd with her mom when she is not in your home?
Does she stay with her birth mother at all? That may be where she is picking it up. It's funny how quickly they pick up things like that (my friends son - WOOO WHEEEE I can tell when he's been at his mom's house because he only wants to watch TV - she's a really nice person but uses TV/electronics as a baby sitter). For 8 - let her live and learn some of it... but if she would try to boss me around.... well I would do like TM said... "Excuse me?? I didn't understand you..... could you please repeat that?"
I had a bossy girl...and frankly she still is a little self centered. I am not sure what to do about it. (helpful...not) We did tell her that the other children didn't want to be bossed around. She did not have a lot of friends, and still doesn't. She is friends with her husbands friends wives and girlfriends. She went to PS through out so that sure didn't fix it. So there goes that argument. I don't know how to teach someone to be a friend. Some of my kids get it, some don't. Just talk about it. What else could you do?
So, let's say your stepdaughter is 6 yrs old. What are you training her to be some day? A 6 yr old? So when she is 25 yrs old..you want her to be an expert at being a 6 yr old? Let's say you send her and she perfects being 6 yrs old....then what? She then willwork on mastering being a 7 yr old. Seriously...what will it benefit her to master being a 6 yr old of 2009? Let's face it, even if she is still 6 yrs old in 10 yrs from now..6 yr olds in 2019 will be completely different. (as you know..she won't be 6 in 10 yrs from now)
You have to help her work it out. You have to explain that she's got to go with the majority at these birthday parties and that sometimes things aren't going to go the way she likes them. Say it matter of factly, don't go all sympathetic. Jeannie has a 'friend' whose mom, in my opinion, takes her daughter's side in things too much, and as a result, the girl thinks everyone else is wrong all the time. Jeannie has a problem with pestering this one guy friend about Pokemon. She bugs the daylights out of this kid to trade with her, and it got so bad he quit talking to her one day. She got all dramatic over it and I told her she's got to start watching for cues and noticing what the boy says and act accordingly. If he says he won't trade- drop it. Otherwise, you're going to lose this friend cause you're being a pest. Your girl is about Jeannie's age,I believe. By being so young and homeschooled to boot, I think they still need guidance and assistance to handle some situations.
Tell her ' If you ask nicely I'll get it for you.' If she doesn't, don't give in and get it until she does ask. Yourself, try hard to ask her for things and lay thick on the thank yous. I know Jeannie appreciates it when I thank her for things.
I would work on her reaction to needing to control others and her reactions. But have you watched kids in public school? They are not just some happy conglomerate of happy children all getting along and being happy. Seriously, 22-32 kids in the classroom to 1 adult. That one adult is not going to get involved in or bother to repeat how the children are fighting. Plus the standards are, as long as no one is dead at the end of the day, then they had a good day. People will always insult homeschooling and reach and grasp at anything they can to tear it down. It will never end how people act like this. It is also very possible that the other children excluded her on purpose. Most of the country has their children in public or private school. And oddly, many people feel better when they attack anyone who is different or does anything different from them. That is all that is going on here. Do not question yourself. You will always be up against this. Remember when you were pregnant and others had opinions on everything to what you were naming the baby, to what drugs you should use in the delivery, to whether you breastfeed and how long, etc etc etc. Well, this only intensifies, homeschooling or not. (((hugs))))
Mom, what does all that mean??:lol: Maybe I don't understand cause it's late here...! I will say I do see a small difference between ps kids and the hsers I know. I won't call it maturity level, but there's a difference in how they carry themselves in some situations.
My son is bossy..... and dd is TRYING to be bossy (she stinks at it BTW cause she gets too upset when people say no)..... but Jacob has it pretty down pat. When he was younger I had to constantly tell him not to be bossy (this was in PS and living on a court with 50 other kids). I do think part of it was finding kids he "clicked" with... but the other was learning to let go. I honestly think control is a genetic issue What I would always try and remind him or ask him "Is it worth it? Do you HAVE to do XXXXX or you will die?" He'd look at me like I was nuts (and he still does - cause I still ask it) but it seems to bring him back to earth. It's hard to learn to let go - heck I'm learning to do it now with having someone help on the farm!
To others with regards to "socialization" I just reply 'oh that's no problem we're not socialists'. Otherwise I believe this is a process, like you said some children are happier being alone. Likewise some children are happier being bossy, think of it as her mothering instinct. She will outgrow it or hone it properly if you continue gently teaching and reinforcing the good behavior. I am speaking as a recovering “bossy pants”. Eventually it just clicked that I wasn’t nice when I acted like that, even though I was right.
hey, I just thought of a side twist, try to train her to be a leader.. a boss, but not be bossy, give her some techniques to get people to do what you want using kindness? Just an idea I thought this cause so many times we stiffle boldness in our kids, I have had to deal with some attitudes that went haywire at times but boldness in today's world is so important, just make sure she gets controlof the control issue! HA
I think that oldest and only children tend to be bossy regardless of the location of their schooling. (Just an opinion based on antidotal evidence; I'm sure there are exceptions.) Being bossy and headstrong are negative character traits, but leadership and steadfastness are positive characteristics. I think the only difference between these traits is manners, wisdom and maturity. It may be frustrating now, but with guidance a bossy, headstrong child can mould those tendency and become a person of great character. (Looks like Teacher Mom and I were typing at the same time -- so ditto to her post!)
