Ok all! I don't know how to explain this but I am in need of prayer. I am having a really hard time dealing with my son right now. It's like everything I say, he does the opposite! I am driving myself bonkers and I can't take it anymore. I have tried everything under the sun...rewards, redirection, spanking, time outs, etc. At first I thought it was just when his friends are over, but it's not. It's getting out of hand and I feel like any moment I am going to snap. It's basically like talking to a brick wall. I don't know what else to try and what other consequences I can give him. He has this nasty habit of repeating the word boobie just to see my reaction as well, so I even tried the soap in the mouth routine. It worked for a couple days after doing it once, then it started again. He's not deaf, he hears perfectly fine. He's just really testing the waters and he's really wearing mommy's patience very thin!!! :cry: I am having a hard time being happy being home right now!:cry: Is this common for 3 year old boys to go through a stage like this? I'm going insane!!!
Precious, 19 year olds go through this stage, too. It sounds to me like you need a major break. Get hubby to take him completely off your hands for a day. Get hubby to step in with the discipline, too. My husband will sit here like a visitor when Kevin mouths off and it drives me bananas.
From time to time. It depends. It's definitly better when his friends are not over, but it doesn't mean it completely goes away. It depends on his mood and if he wants to cooperate.
LOL, Jen, my question was a rhetorical one. I have an 11 year old boy...sometimes speaking to him is like talking to jello....it may wiggle, but I'm not sure it's getting anything I say either.....
I haven't met a soul yet with perfect kids. When you find her, send her my way! Hey, JenPooh, have you ever read "Creative Correction" by Lisa Welchel? It is an awesome book. I've read it a couple of times (my retention is horrible). It has such great, PRACTICAL ideas on how to deal with very specific behaviors. It is a great resource to have around when you just can't think of ANYTHING else to do! An example, for fighting kids, she suggests tying one of each of their hands together so they HAVE to work together (like picking up their playroom for instance). Did it once, the girls HATED it but now if I threaten it they change their attitudes really quick. Is the best book I've read so far as far as practical application goes!
I would keep the positive reinforcement to a maximum for sure. Maybe make him a chart and when he gets 5 stars he gets a treat or a trip to the ice cream shop. Start out little and then work to more stars. I believe this type of behavior modification works for some kids and not so much for others. If it's not working well after a week or so then I'd add in some negative consequences as well. The one thing that works well with a lot of kids is taking away a toy. My mom thought this was terrible! That is the point. If they are not respectful enough to mind then they don't deserve to have all the wonderful toys we give them. I have taken away toys but usually give them the opportunity to earn them back. It helps to leave the toy in sight but out of reach to remind them they no longer get to play with the toy. If you really want to make an impression then take it to a local donation center and donate the toy. YIKES! That means business. It is really hard for me to do that but I have vowed that I will do it if I feel it is necessary. My 5yo was very defiant at 3. He was a sweet boy but would really test the waters. Maybe he is testing you. Does your spouse have any hand in discipline? Do you have rules posted. I know he can't read but if he realizes these rules are important and not going anywhere then it make more of a lasting impression. In real life there are consequences for behavior. I remind my kids all the time that it's my job to teach them to follow rules not because it's a good rule and we should....but because we must follow rules in general to have order and safety in society. It has helped tremendously in our house. Understanding why is a key factor sometimes. Also have to say that one of my favortie punishments is making them do extra chores around the house. I have even had my little one do this and it's a great punishment. I pick something they don't like to do! Hey, atleast I get a little more help around the house that way, lol!
I would keep the positive reinforcement to a maximum for sure. Maybe make him a chart and when he gets 5 stars he gets a treat or a trip to the ice cream shop. Start out little and then work to more stars. I believe this type of behavior modification works for some kids and not so much for others. If it's not working well after a week or so then I'd add in some negative consequences as well. The one thing that works well with a lot of kids is taking away a toy. My mom thought this was terrible! That is the point. If they are not respectful enough to mind then they don't deserve to have all the wonderful toys we give them. I have taken away toys but usually give them the opportunity to earn them back. It helps to leave the toy in sight but out of reach to remind them they no longer get to play with the toy. If you really want to make an impression then take it to a local donation center and donate the toy. YIKES! That means business. It is really hard for me to do that but I have vowed that I will do it if I feel it is necessary. My 5yo was very defiant at 3. He was a sweet boy but would really test the waters. Maybe he is testing you. Does your spouse have any hand in discipline? Do you have rules posted? I know he can't read but if he realizes these rules are important and not going anywhere then it make more of a lasting impression. In real life there are consequences for behavior. I remind my kids all the time that it's my job to teach them to follow rules not because it's a good rule and we should....but because we must follow rules in general to have order and safety in society. It has helped tremendously in our house. Understanding why is a key factor sometimes. Also have to say that one of my favortie punishments is making them do extra chores around the house. I have even had my little one do this and it's a great punishment. I pick something they don't like to do! Hey, atleast I get a little more help around the house that way, lol!
Well, as far as rewards, we are doing a system right now of earning fake money. When they earn $20 they get to buy a prize from the prize box. It's going ok, but he doesn't seem to care that much yet. But alas, I'm waiting to see the look on his face when one of his friends gets to pick a prize before he does. We have temporarily taken the tv and computer away from him as of yesturday. We are now going on an "earning" system where he has to earn his time, rather than expecting it during certain times of the day (in the morning and right before bed). My husband does have a hand in disciplining, but I will say he's not as tough as I am, unless he is really really really naughty! He will correct and discipline, but I am usually the one to set punishments. Being that I run the daycare/preschool at home, we go over our rules every day. They aren't posted though, maybe I'll give that a whirl! We did, however, do some social stories today where I gave them all experiences and they had to tell me what they would do. They went over pretty well and his manners seemed to be better. LibiLou, I didn't even realize you were being rhetorical . Can you tell I'm stressing (embarassed)? I'll have to give that book a try. I don't know if the tieing of the hands would go over well with my Childcare State Licenser, even though it seems practical, but I'll check to see if it's at the library for other suggestions. Isn't Lisa Welchel the homeschool mom from the Facts of Life? I do know, and always have known, that having all the other kids in the house takes a toll on him...and me . I have been trying to give him a lot of extra mommy time. It's like he thinks he needs to act out in order to get my attention. I don't know how to get him to realize that he needs to get my attention positively rather than negatively besides ignoring him when he's naughty and praising him when he's good, because that isn't working so far. :roll:
Thanks for all the lending of the ears and suggestions! And Becky, you are right...I need a long long long break!
Another Suggestion I just thought of something else. :idea: If you want charts, there is a website, www.doorposts.com. They make awesome charts that you can purchase for next to nothing. They ususally have cartoons on them that your kids can color (gets them involved in the process of making the chart) and there are always Bible verses to "back you up" which I find extremely helpful when dealing with my older two girls. Kinda takes the brunt of the weight off of you. I always make sure they know that I discipline them because God has instructed me too, not because I like too. And, if I don't, then I am disobeying God. Depends on your child's understanding as to whether or not it will work but... Back to the charts. We have one called the "If, Then Chart". On it is a cartoon of an offense (A child hitting another child for instance), a Scripture verse pertaining to the offense, and a place for you to write in the consequence for the behavior. Is great because you can hang the chart on the wall, walk them over to it and say, okay, this is what you did, this is what God has to say about it, and this is the consequence. Really helps with consistency, which I am terrible with. This site also has charts for correct behavior, for solving arguments, and so many other biblical resources. Just a suggestion. And... yes, Lisa Welchel is from The Facts of Life.
He's 3 right? I think it may be taking too long to earn the money for the reward. When I taught K in ps a whole week was a really long time to wait for treasure box. It didn't work with behavior problems. I would reward daily also with small things like a sticker, sucker, piece of candy, free time ,etc. That helps. Do you know what I mean. I think you are probably right that he just wants to have more of your attention. He's so young. It is just plain hard for them to share their mommies! Good luck!
OK- yes it's normal for a three year old to test the water and to see what he can and can't get away with. I like Angie's response - if you find the perfect family send them my way so I can learn from them <sigh> You've been given lots of really good advice Jen and it's all worth looking into (and probably a little overwhelming). We've had reaslly hard struggles heer but it's because all of them are ADHD (I sure hope this newest baby isn't) and so we've been around the bend a couple of times. If he's repeating words for a reaction from you - try not to react (as in the word boobie). If it's done in front of other children that may become more of an issue because you don't want them picking up the same words). When he uses the word (or any other word you would deem unacceptable), take him by his hand and lead him to a spot where you call the time out spot - explain to him why he's going there and tell him he has to sit there for three minutes - don't start the clock until he stops fighting you on it (assuming that he will) and then ask him for an apology when his time is up - he doesn't leave the time out spot until he has sincerely apologized for it. Be consistent with it (oh how I hate that word). We tried the soap, we've tried hot sauce. While it may have worked temporarily with them, it didn't resolve the problem and eventually they didn't care. If I've learned anything, it's that children need instant rewards - especially true with our boys. We use a token system with all of the boys (even Christian - although it doesn't work as well with him now). They earn tokens depending on what they've done (making their beds, getting dressed, taking thier meds, going to bed on time, etc) and they lose tokens when they have broken a rule (but don't take away things until you get the token system working with rewards for a couple of weeks). After they earn "X" number tokens, they can exchange them for certain activities (computer time, television for 30 minutes, free chores, favorite meal to be made, dessert, trip to the park, etc). After a couple of weeks of constantly rewarding them, we introduced the penalties (or fines as I like to call them) and when they did something they weren't supposed to do - (like swear, hit, bullying, not doing homework, etc) they lost a predetermined amount of tokens. The system works but you really have to stick to it. I'll see if I can't post the token system we started out with on here to help anyone who wants to try it - or just look at it (it doesn't have the fines or penalties because it was done early on befroe we got into that).
Token Economy This is the token economy we originally started with... we had to tweak it as time went on to meet the specific needs we had (and will hav eto again to accomodate two full time work schedules), but it has been an effective discipline tool for us and gets the desired results we want. We use different colored poker chips with numbers marked on them and as they earn their points, they get the token immediately (we use Mason jars for each of them to store them).Token Economy EXPECTATIONS Morning Make bed 5 Eat breakfast 3 Take medicine 3 Put dishes in sink 2 Get dressed 5 Brush teeth 2 After School DO homework 5 Pack book bag and put it by back door 3 Home by 5:15 for supper 5 Put dishes in sink 2 Do chore 2 Bedtime Shower/bath 2 Pj’s on 2 Use washroom 5 Get snack 2 Brush teeth 2 Pick up dirty laundry 2 Put away clean laundry 3 In bed AT bedtime 5 Stay in bed 10 REWARDS 30 minutes computer time 80 30 minutes Nintendo 80 30 minutes later bedtime 75 park 60 Board game 50 Pick a meal 45 Pick a dessert 45 Free Chore 45 Crafts 45 Paint 45 ** the option for a free chore works like this: when one of the boys wants out of their chore, they pass either Mom or Dad 45 tokens and whoever the child gives it to has to do his chore for the day (garbage, litter box or the bathroom cleaning) ** In a couple of weeks when they’re used to this idea we will fine tune it by adding penalties/fines for behaviors we want to eliminate
