I took my kids to swim lessons today and I noticed that all the other kids were paying attention to the teacher, but my kids kept looking over for approval from me. I have heard people say that homeschooled kids only do things to get approval from their mother, and it was REALLY obvious today that they almost couldn't pay attention to the teacher until I approved every single thing they did. It was driving me and their teachers crazy. Do your kids do that too?
I am unexperienced in this approval thing, my son hasn't started homeschooling yet. Are you able to leave them at the lesson and you maybe to read in the car or something so you aren't around so they can focus? Since it's a swimming lesson I don't know what the rules are. I haven't done swimming lessons either :/ But good luck though!
I did notice my son doing that when he was younger - but I think it is because he sees me as the boss and not the "teacher" and he was waiting to see "if he had to do what they say". I wasn't very happy with that - so I just told him to get over it and get to work...it was swimming as well! :lol: Maybe you should leave the pool while they are swimming? That way they have no choice but to pay attnetion to the instructor.
My daughter has been taught by other people. For instance, she has taken piano lessons since she was four years old. When she is being taught by someone new, she tends to make eye contact with me more often to be sure that I am approving of her behavior more than anything else. I suppose I am the odd one on this as I prefer my child to seek my approval before following another person's instructions. However, in this case I would have prepped my daughter by telling her that she will be taking swimming lessons and the trainer is the one in charge during that time, so she needs to heed his directions. If my presence continued to be too much of a distraction I would prepare my child that I might have to leave during the lesson but I will be back when it is over, I would leave for a few minutes or watch from a place where I cannot be seen. However, my daughter has never had separation anxiety--well, there was a phase that lasted two whole weeks when she was two years old, but that hardly counts--so if that is the problem, it might take more work; like walking out during every lesson for a few minutes and coming back in very causal like as if nothing is wrong. If asked you can simply say that you needed to check on the car or get the camera you left in the car (on purpose).
I have also noticed this behavior. I have had to teach them when they need my approval and when they need to listen to another adult. They are doing better about focusing on the teachers they have for extra curricular activities, but still look to me when they are in situations that make them nervous. I guess that is natural since they feel safest with me.
I agree with this. I think by them looking for your approval , it shows they respect you and feel safe that your only going to allow them to do safe things. My dd is really quiet and shy when out in public. People speak to her in the grocery and she always looks up at me with the " am I allowed to talk to this stranger" look on her face. After that she will answer their q's but she keeps it straight to the point lol. The boys on the other hand .sigh. will talk to anybody who stands still long enough.
My oldest was like that, but the others weren't. It think it was her personality more than anyone else. Have you considered not staying at the lesson, or at least sitting further away, and reading a book or something to where you're "ignoring" what's going on?
I like Jackie's idea about reading a book or a magazine. That way you can have your head down and not make eye contact while sneaking looks when you want to. Depending on how old your children are you may not feel good about leaving them completely. I have taken my crochet bag and worked on something while my kids were in an activity so Emily would know I was close by when she was worried about something. She tends to be the anxious one over anything new. Crystal, at 16, is ready for almost anything that comes along.
When my kids were at swimming lessons, the teacher asked us to stay on the bleachers because kids won't pay attention to her and in order for her to keep the class safe it was best. I would tell my kids they had to listen to "Miss XXXXX" during class and they seemed fine with it. I had to walk my dd to the lesson area the first time she went - and then went back and sat on the bleachers. Then I moved into the eating area which was behind glass which worked out well.
pfft.. my oldest definately isn't like that.. he does every thing he can to go against what I would approve of :roll:
I think that is good. Look at the profile of a child who has been sexually abused. They do not trust their parents and are easy targets for the preditor. I have read that sex offenders look for the child who does not look to the parents for permission or to ask things and so on. Unfortunately, no matter how much they look to you for everything now, in a few years, they won't. Get them to the teen years and beyond and they will move on. Oh, sure, they still love you. They may even humor you by letting you think that you are so wise and smart. But they no longer really "need" your approval for anything, they likely decided before they even mentioned it to you. <sigh>
My kids never did that. They took lessons from others but they knew that particular person was in charge of that class so there was no question.
I think there's a balance. I don't want my kids dependent on me for everything; they need to know how to look to others, too. But I don't want them so independent they don't consider my advice and opinion. And they need to understand that I AM their authority!
I agree with what Jackie posted. I want them dependent on me for somethings but as they grow they become more independent. My kids looked to me in the begining when they were very young like up to 8-9 yrs, just to be sure they were doing what they were supposed to do. Also to be sure I was getting to see what great things they were doing. They were actually checking up on me after that level! At 9-10 at swim classes my ds would look to see if I was watching so he coudl ask me later "DID YOU SEE WHAT I DID! IT WAS SO COOL!" which any kid would want to tell thier parents. I think the difference, and this is just my opinion from my experience working with other peoples kids too, all kids want thier parents to be watching but home schooled kids know the parents care. Plain and simple. Kids want to know that just because we are allowing someone else to instruct them does not mean we don't care anymore. Kids who are not hsed need to know this as well but are called 'baby or suck up ( sorry to be so real but hey) when they look to thier parents. Personally I think it is a good thing thatyour child looks to you for approval, in the same way I look to my God for appoval, and sorry if I offend anyone but that is the truth.
SO many good responses. Thanks! They require the parents to stay in the sitting area during lessons, but there are 2 different areas. 1 is close where my kids can talk to me, and the other is far enough away I can see them, but they would have to really yell to get my attention. I will try sitting in the area across the pool tomorrow. I think I will also talk to them (again) about focusing on the what the teacher is saying and less on me. I guess I was mostly bothered by it, because my MIL has helped in her school districts homeschool art class and she always makes nasty comments on how when the kids are done with their projects they tell her they drew it for their mom, or dad. She thinks that they are all way to dependent upon their parents and look for their parents approval in situations where a parents approval shouldnt' matter and that they will never learn to think for themselves. My BIL also makes fun of homeschooled kids and encourages his son to do the same. I guess I just want my kids to be "normal" so they aren't made fun of, but they have tons of friends and I always hear people say how kind my kids are. I really shouldn't be worried, I guess it was probably me just overreacting.
My kids must have missed that part of the homeschooling gene! Usually if they're going somewhere like gymnastics, karate, swim lessons, etc, I tell them before hand that the instructor/coach/etc is in charge and they are to listen, learn and respect them. Esp at the gym for gymnastics. I know nothing about how to COACH the sport...so my daughter HAS to listen to them b/c I'm no use in helping! Telling them that up front has been fine. They rarely look for my approval in those situations. Could be that your kids would be this way, homeschooled or not. I hope that helps. I think it you talk with them and let them know the swim instructor is in charge and their expected to listen and do. GOOD LUCK!!!
My daughter does that also and she hasn't been home schooled yet. I think with her it is a security thing. Perhaps your child is the same way?
We had this when my dd was younger. Rarely see it now unless she is doing a visual check to see if she will be allowed to participate in a particular activity & I am pleased she still checks before doing stuff & doesn't just assume it will be ok or that she doesn't need to check. As most of this is music stuff & all her peers are in private schools she cops a bit of flak but them's our rules & she knows it. Doesn't really have a problem. Too many parents don't keep a close enough check on their kids so I wouldn't be concerned. I think it's great they look to you as their first authority.
My two youngest do this also, we have been schooling at home for only last year. I do think it is a good thing for all the reasons mentioned, and like the suggestions for prepping them beforehand, I think I will try that next time. I have to say that I have noticed that out in public, I am so much more pleased with my kids behavior than that of the kids we run into in the stores and at events, which I am sure are not homeschooled. I have noticed this of the few other homeschooled children we know. They are so much more respectful and polite- holding the door open for ladies, not running rampant in the store, those types of things. Just the other day I was in a store and my kids were walking fairly quietly along with me while several other children were running up and down aisles yelling and knocking at clothes. I told them I was very proud of their behavior. Not to say that sometimes they dont' act up- they do- but overall I think there is a huge difference in our homeschooled kids, they are so much better lol.
