I'm just curious, wondering if my experience is all that different from most. My b-day was yesterday. Today I got a card from my FIL and his current wife, which was very surprising. In 18 years of marriage, this is the first time I ever got a card from him. I suspect his wife took care of it (because isn't that the way it is? We wives do everything. Sometimes I wish I could tell my in-laws, "Look, you need to realize that if it weren't for me, you'd never get anything on your birthdays or other holidays, period!") Anyway it was just the card, and they just wrote their names at the bottom. Last month was DH's birthday and he got a card, gifts, dinner and a cake. I cooked for FIL's birthday and made him a cake. DH's parents divorced when he was a kid, and generally speaking, his mom has reached out more to us than his dad. The first few years we were married, she sent cards and maybe $20 on my birthday. It's been ages since she's done anything, though. I always make sure we send cards and gifts on her birthday. She always sends DH and our kids cards and gifts on their birthdays, spending anywhere from $50-$100 on each of them. It's the same at Christmas, though she usually buys the kids a bunch of toys and then gives us a family check for $100. My parents, grandmother, sisters, etc. always acknowledge DH's birthday, Father's Day, etc. They treat him the same as they do me, which I've always thought was really nice, remembering him with cards and gifts where they spend the same on him as they would on me. It's like he's another one of their kids (or siblings or grandsons, as it were.) It's hard not to take it personally when the in-laws treat me so differently. I guess the advantage to it is that I know I will not be that kind of in-law...I will treat my future daughters-in-law the way my family has always been to my husband. It just makes me feel like I'm nothing to them...and again, it's hard not to get resentful when they never thank me or seem to consider the fact that I'M the one who does ALL the work when it comes to remembering their special days. So I'm curious...do your in-laws do anything for you on birthdays and holidays? If not, do you take it personally?
My dh's parents are divored also ( as are my parents) his dad has always treated me as he does his son BUT my MIL....no card , no gift EVER in 15 years!!! I get a phone call but never on the day of my birthday, sometimes its 3 days later or even 1 month early!! Oh well, I just make sure she gets her card, gift and phone call on time or I'm sure I'll hear about from someone in the family ( never from her directly).
My MIL does. And my mom usually sends my DH a card on his. I might add that my bd and my mil's is the same day.
I hear ya! My in-laws live right next door as we are on a family farm. I'll usually get a $25 gift card to a department store I never shop at (it's my MIL favorite store and she buys these gift cards in mass quantities to give to everyone for birthdays and Christmas). But never on my birthday, usually days or weeks later. Not even a call or a visit on my birthday. I don't feel rejected as I know she does this with everyone in the family, children as well as the in-laws. My husband has said that the mentality of his parents is that if you show any kind of love or interest in a person it will go to their head and they would think too highly of themselves. It shows in their relationships with their grandchildren (there isn't any relationship) as well as their kids and their spouses (their isn't any relationship there either). After nearly 28 years of marriage it doesn't bother me at all. I've accepted them as they are, although I do some head scratching at times. The remembering my birthday doesn't bother me as much as the lack of wanting real relationship with us as a family. I wonder if the lack of gift giving or remembering a birthday is more a reflection of the true state of the relationship with our in laws or parents. And then for some, it was never taught to them how to treat others on their birthdays. The first few years I was married I rarely received gifts from him, not because he didn't love me, just because he never had that example. (His father never, and I mean NEVER, bought anything for his mother on birthdays or Christmas, anniversaries or mothers day. She bought something for herself and said to him, this is my present.) Like I said, the lack of real relationship bothers me more... So much wasted opportunity and it makes me sad as my children don't have a great grandparent experience (my parents live across the country). I think we are a pretty OK family last time I looked in the mirror. But it just isn't in them.
No, I don't think it is. Different people express love in different ways. My MIL is a gift-giver. I am not. Yes, I make sure we remember birthdays, etc., but I'd much rather spend TIME with a person than give them a gift. My husband rarely buys me a "special gift" for my b-day. I might mention something that I wouldn't mind having, and he'll get it. I could just as easily go and buy my own present! And that's OK, because I understand that's just not his way; he expresses his love to me in many other ways. Now, if my your mil gave gifts to everyone BUT you, then I'd say it did reflect your relationship.
I agree that people express love in different ways. My DH isn't much of a gift-giver, while I grew up in a family that celebrated everything...any excuse for a party, ya know? :lol: But what I quoted above IS the issue for me. I know I'm not particularly close to my in-laws, but honestly...they just don't try to have a relationship with me no matter what I do. They live in another state, and when they visit, everything is all about them. They never ask me anything about myself, it's like they are so self-absorbed, they have no desire to learn anything about who I am. They just talk about themselves, and sometimes I feel like they do stuff for the kids just because they want to "one-up" my parents. I guess I just get fed up with it, wondering what I've done to be treated like nothing in return for always trying to treat them like I treat my own parents, respecting them by sending gifts, etc. My DH wouldn't even remember to call them on special days if I didn't remind him to. Heck, my MIL even buys Christmas presents for our DOGS. It's kind of hard to not feel there's a message behind that, KWIM? :lol: A friend suggested that my husband ask them why it's this way, but he's so non-confrontational I doubt he'll ever ask.
Kari, while reading your post I was looking in a mirror. Your situations with your in-laws is eggzactly like mine. My family treats my dh like their own which makes me feel really warm and fuzzy inside because I know their love for him is genuine. I have learned over the years not to have expectations of others, when you do, they will disappoint you. Just continue what you are doing and if they give you a birthday card that is a bonus, if they don't, well that is okay too! (((( )))) I make all of my own greeting cards by hand so when my dh's family get a card from us, I spent a lot of time trying to make them feel special. Some appreciate it, some don't. But that is okay because I don't need for them to acknowledge it so I feel better, kwim? I have made homemade bread and such for Christmas gifts and his family would look at my dh and tell HIM thank you while I was standing there. My dh would straighten them out right away because he knew they were just trying to be unkind. That is a long story, his family has NEVER-EVER liked any in-laws, never accepted them or made them feel welcome and the fact that I am white, makes it worse! Hang in there sweetie! (((( ))))
My MIL has never acknowledged my birthday of course she doesn't even call her son on his birthday and we have to force her to participate in her granddaughters birthday. This child will probably be her only grandchild ever, SIL is not married and doesn't believe in having children while single unless you can fully provide for them. So she will probably never have children. BIL whom I never met is gay and will not be having children. We cannot afford but the one so we will probably never be having any more children much to my dismay. It is a shame, my parents treat DH like a son and always get him a card and a gift for fathers day/birthdays/xmas/easter.
My in-laws are Jehovah Witnesses so no. lol But on the other side of that....my mom and step-dad never do anything for my husband, I don't even think they know what month his birthday is in.
My mil almost every year offers to make me dinner and dessert. Sometimes the girls beat her too it but she tries very hard to make me feel like part of the family. However sometimes I still don't I guess that is normal.
My in-laws send a check for $40 for me & hubby gets $40-usually. If they are visiting it might be less money but they pay for dinner somewhere. My parents give my hubby $50 & me $75-100. My mom will pay for dinner too & not cut down the dollar amount. It's always nice but we try to never come to expect it.
My anniversary is really close to my brother's, who lives down in Texas. Mom will also send us a card with money then so we can "go out and celebrate". Well, one year, she sent Michael's check to us, and our check to him, lol!!!
I don't have "in lawa" they have passed before I met DH. but I am disapointed at my mother for not doing much or anything and we live in the same town. My dad treats us equally and send s a card with$100 for our birthday and christmas and each child he sends $50.
