13 yrs old and dating?

Discussion in 'Other Conversation' started by momofafew, Sep 27, 2009.

  1. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    My DD is 13 and a boy from the orchestra has asked her out. I have a definite rule against dating at this age. Problem is, as I posted previously, she had been quite lonely and anti-social. It seemed as if every niche I tried to find for her socially was just not working out. Now this orchestra thing is working out. But this is where it has gone. I am worried if I say no, it will hurt the boy's feelings and shut down her friendships or her being included in this group or whatever. On the other hand, even if I were to say yes, at 13 yrs old, this relationship will not last, then what? For some odd reason, I had thought she would make friends with girls and do things with them. She has made friends with a couple girls, but she clearly finds this boy far more interesting. She says the girls don't really talk. It is just a couple girls she has made friends with and they have done things together, but apparently, cannot find anything to talk about. I hate the idea that my daughter has become "boy crazy" or something. I have many reasons for not wanting dating at this age.

    Please offer me insight or something on this. Thank you.
     
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  3. Embassy

    Embassy New Member

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    I'm with you. I wouldn't allow dating at that age. I don't see why the boy would be hurt if your daughter told him that she wasn't allowed to date yet. If she has been lonely filling her loneliness with a dating relationship may not be the best move. Does she have any other interest areas you can involve her in that might be mostly girls in attendance?
     
  4. KrisRV

    KrisRV New Member

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    well I would not let my daughters date at that age, no way. If they want to talk and meet they can talk there. they do not need to go any place alone at that age. I am with Embassy find something else she is intersted in doing. but, I would not let her go on a date alone with him. If they want to go some place beside there, then you take them to get a coke or something, but you are there the whole time. As I type that I don't know if I like that idea either. I would just say NO if it was me and tell her to talk to you in few years.
     
  5. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    I thought of letting her go with a group of friends, but I am afraid that that still gives off the boyfriend/girlfriend mentality.
     
  6. Mrs. Mommy

    Mrs. Mommy New Member

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    Why not have the boy over to your house. Movies and pizza........snacks and board games.......BBQ and badminton. Be clear that it is not date but just friends hanging out your place. They are still having fun but with supervision.
     
  7. Cornish Steve

    Cornish Steve Active Member

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    We've made decisions based on each child. Our 'Romeo' :) is our youngest son. When he was 14, he asked whether he could meet with a girl from school. We allowed it under strict conditions:

    - If they met at her house, the mother had to be there the whole time (and the mom agreed to this).

    - If they met at our house, we had to be there the whole time and they must stay in our living room.

    - If they went to the movies, it had to be with other friends whom we knew. He accepted this condition.

    - They could not meet at other times or other places except in school.

    - If any of these rules were broken, that would be the end of it.

    Below the age of 18, we have to know the parents too otherwise it's a definite no-no. Again, our children know this and don't object.
     
  8. sloan127

    sloan127 Active Member

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    We let Crystal meet a boy at a school 6th grade dance. They enjoyed the evening and still talk on the phone every month or so. I would not have let her date at 13 as in going out with him alone. She is 16 now and doesn't really date but has a boyfriend. He lives in another state so that limits dating.
     
  9. seekingmyLord

    seekingmyLord Active Member

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    I am all for courting, but personally not at 13--unless a wedding at 15 or 16 is acceptable, and I am not saying this lightheartedly, as I know some parents religiously or philosophical are for teenage marriages.

    As for giving her support socially, why not have a party inviting the boys and girls or slumber party inviting the girls of the orchestra? Have something really unusual and really fun so they would be interested in coming even if they don't know your daughter well.
     
  10. MonkeyMamma

    MonkeyMamma New Member

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    I have a dd13 too and I have given this much thought and talked with dh and my good friends with dd's her age.

    I would like to know where did he ask her to go? Movies? Dinner with his family? Mini golf? A school dance? Where?

    Here are my rules..................

    I have always said 16 is the age I would allow my dd to date but even then with rules. There is no way that at 13 I would allow my dd to have a "boyfriend". There is no way that my dd at 13 would be allowed to go to the movies with a boy. I will allow my dd to go to a school dance with a boy because the boy at that age can not drive which means there will be a parent taking them. My dd's dance team is hosting a dance this fall at the school and I will allow her to do with a date if she is asked and I will be in attendance there selling pizza and sodas. If there were a boy that my dd was interested in and he asked her to go with his family somewhere like maybe to get pizza and go bowling (or something like that, I am just tossing out examples) then I would let her go if I met the family and felt comfortable with them. I would also allow my dd to invite a boy to our home for a BBQ, family game night or family function of some kind.

    It would totally depend on the situation so without more info I'm not sure what advice to give you. I can say that I would not allow them to be "boyfriend/girlfriend" at this age.
     
  11. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    Thank you. My family..as in extended, my parents and siblings, were making me feel like the horrid parent for saying no to dating.

    On the parents, I do not know them. However, I have a good friend who is a very good person who I can really trust who has known the boy and his family for years and she says they are wonderful and conservative and strict and that he is a very good sweet boy. Since she did meet him in the orchestra, and he plays the viola, I am thinking he is not too...ummm, wild?

    But still, no way to the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I think I am going to look to try some of the ideas you all suggested. I am having issues with having anyone over right now as the baby cried from 3:30pm to 10pm tonight. He just now stopped so I came on to read and reply. The house is a mess because dh and I basically trade off on the baby back and forth all day and night long depending on who is the most stressed at the moment. I am seriously wondering how people with colicy babies whose husbands are not at home all day can handle this. I guess I would if I had to. I actually did have to with my first. I recall it was hard, but I was much younger so perhaps I had more energy. He still is a wonderful baby though and I still am in love with him. But the post is not about him of course!

    I sent DD to one of the friends house tonight who is a girl. Maybe I will ask dh to take DD and a few friends bowling. I hate the dating thing because it just feels like it is taking center stage in her life. I also feel that every time you date someone, you lose a part of yourself. I dated a lot before dh. In hindsight, I would rather if dh and I did not have as much history. I was so boy crazy myself that I could not even concentrate on school or goals or anything. Plus, I was always just some boy's girlfriend, never having my own identity. I think DH feels that way too. I know he does actually. At 13, it just opens up too much that we feel is wrong for that age. Plus, at that age, they do not really know what it is all about, dating and love and so on, it is just a game. I can tell it is more like an immature game and she is all giggles about it. I don't want her to lose her group of friends, but I don't want her to lose who she is either.

    She is going to be mad, but it just proves the saying "parenting is not for wimps."
     
  12. Singing Strong

    Singing Strong New Member

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    momofafew, you are wise !!
     
  13. Deena

    Deena New Member

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    We are the same way, momofafew! NO DATING! There's no reason to date at that age. Until they are old enough to start looking seriously for a spouse, they don't need to date, it just causes unneeded excitement, and unneeded pain for this age-group! People probably think we're crazy too, but we have 18yo and 16yo sons, and they have never had a problem with that. We gave them Biblical reasons, and they have been fine with groups, and no dating. DD's 12 1/2 and not interested yet, but she's heard this from day one, so understands and agrees.
     
  14. Crunchy

    Crunchy New Member

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    I've told my son (11) that he cannot date until he can grow a beard.=)

    I will tell my daughters that they are not allowed to have a boyfriend until they are ___, but they may have boy friends. They should be honest and tell the boys who might inquire that they are not allowed to have dates or boyfriends.

    This is a GREAT opportunity for you to explain why you do not allow boyfrineds at her young age and what might happen to girls who do date so young. I wish someone had told me..
     
  15. Emma's#1fan

    Emma's#1fan Active Member

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    We do not believe in dating and are raising Ems this way. When she is ready to start looking for a husband, then she can start courting. If she is out of the house then she can make her own choice whether to date or not.

    Dating is a modern concept. It has become a form of entertainment rather than a means of seeking out a spouse once the person is ready to settle down. This is why Ems isn't allowed to date or court at 16. She will not be ready to marry at 16 so she will not court at that age either.
     
  16. shelby

    shelby New Member

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    I agree no dating at 13. Maybe have the boy over to hang out with her is more the way to do things.;)
     
  17. BLeigh

    BLeigh New Member

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    I had friends who were boys at that age. Not "romantic" boyfriends (ooohh, that's icky to use that term for 13). I'd like to think when we are faced with this we would invite the boy and his family over for a BBQ and let them have an opportunity to socialize with all parents present. I don't see anything wrong with supervised friendship but anything more at that age is not acceptable.
     
  18. Jackie

    Jackie Active Member

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    Interesting thing happened today! A big group from our church went to the Creation Museum. And I learned that a young man who went (12yo) has liked my 13yo Faythe for a while now. I learned this from the boy's mother. The mother is a lovely woman, the father has some problems. I guess he's actually made comments about he wouldn't mind marrying Faythe one day (!!!). His mom told him straight out, "You know, they believe in courtship, so you can't do ANYTHING unless Faythe's dad approves of you...." And the boy's eyes, I guess got REAL BIG at that, lol!!!

    There is NO WAY I would let a 13yo date!!!
     
  19. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    I love that!
     
  20. rhi

    rhi New Member

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    I just have to say I am so grateful that my girls aren't interested in boys other than friends and someone to hopefully beat out on the race track. If it were me and I were in that position I'd want to shout NO! I am so paranoid that my kids will end up like me that I constantly reiterate over and over again that I want them to learn from me. It's interesting because my oldest wants to go to college and get a scholarship for sports, it's her biggest thing. And my younger daughter thinks boys are silly and not all that smart most of the time. I think it comes from being so close in age with my youngest two brothers and sister.
     
  21. LucyRicardo

    LucyRicardo Member

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    This is how we have taught our children as well.

    LR
     

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