Sorry if I ramble on I just really need to vent My dh and I have been at war over this for almost a year now, but it seems to be getting worse. Maybe you all could give me your thoughts. My dh loves to coach all our kids sport teams. We have 3 children right now playing sports. He coaches soccer, basketball, softball and helps keep score sometimes for volleyball. He does this for our 2 older dd's who are on 2 different leages (younger dd doesn't do coached teams yet). This has been going on for the past 4 years straight, no breaks, there is always a sport going on. Depending on the season, we can be gone almost every night of the week along with some weekends. All this was fine with me until we had a baby last year and I started homeschooling my other dd as well. I am burnt out. He leaves the house around 7:00 in the morning and doesn't come home till around 4:30, then he usually just comes home makes a sandwich then is off to the field till 9:00. I talked to him about this and begged him to not coach for a little bit because I really could use some help. I have laundry + dishes constantly piling up, dirty bathrooms, lesson plans, and I would like to bathe every once in a while. Well he completely ignored me and decided to start a traveling softball team. The travel team takes up so much time it is ridiculous. They practice for 2.5 hrs 2 times a week, then every other week they have tournaments. The tournaments are about 40 minutes away and last from about 8am-8pm on Saturday and most of the day Sunday. Then on top of that my dd takes a pitching lesson for 1 hr a week. This goes on all year long. All this time I have the baby by myself, ontop of having him all day long. I LOVE my little man, but geesh I need a break every once in a while. This is the part that I really could use your guidance on. He thinks that he is supposed to have time for his interests and when I say well I don't have any time for mine, with taking care of the baby and homeschooling. His come back is always the same, it is my fault I don't have any free time because I am the one who decided to homeschool :evil: He feels he is completely off the hook because he did not want me to HS but I did it anyway. It is funny because he has told me a couple times how great the kids are doing and it is nice that I am doing this for them
Down time is important. I would explain that it was important that you have a couple hours help twice a week (or whatever time you need) and if he wasn't available you would look at hiring a mother's helper.
I'm sorry you're not getting any time to yourself. I'm sure you must be exhausted. The first thing I would do is get the kids involved and helping you. You can't make your husband help you, but your kids are another story. If they are old enough to play sports, they are old enough to help out around the house and clean up after themselves. Anything they touch should be their responsibility to clean. This includes bathrooms, laundry and dishes. The only thing I would be cleaning if I were you would be my bathroom and bedroom, the baby's room, and the baby's and my laundry. Everything else would be delegated to the children. That actually is pretty much how we're running things now. I use ChoreBuster to assign chores to everyone. For example, here's our chore schedule for today: Mom - Vacuum living room, clean master bath counters, wash bedding, sweep kitchen DD 10 - Wipe down sink and counters in kid's bathroom, take out the trash as necessary, clean kitchen counters and table after lunch, vacuum bedroom, feed the dogs at night DD 12 - Do a load of laundry, unload and load dishwasher as necessary, mop kitchen DD 14 - Clean counters and table after breakfast, snack and dinner, let dogs out as necessary, feed the dogs in the morning, vacuum bedroom, clean kids' bathroom tub Now, it sounds like the children are also pretty busy, so I might also try to change the homeschool schedule to a year round schedule if you're not already doing so, so that there is less schoolwork to be done each day. I might also ask one of your older 2 to play with the baby for an hour or so occasionally so you can take a bubble bath or do something else to relax or destress. I hope you are able to get a break. You definitely deserve one ! ~ Amanda
Oh, and I just thought of another thing as well. The 13 and 11 year old could, and might even enjoy, cooking dinner one night a week each!
Frankly, you have not been at war. You've let things ride for over a year and are now worn out, lonely, and depressed over this. It's a big deal, a very big deal, and your husband doesn't see it. Whether your children are homeschooled or at PS or at boarding school is irrelevant: You are being treated like a personal slave. Now, I'm hardly one to talk. I spend most evenings and weekends in my office trying to get my own business started, and my wife is very very patient with me (more than I could expect, actually). Still, if there's an immediate need, I'm available and will take time to help. How do I know that I'm overdoing it? My wife will confront me seriously. She'll make it abundantly clear that I'm not meeting my responsibilities as husband and father. She'll force me to listen and understand, because otherwise (as men appear wont to do) I'll listen but do little about it. So, I suggest strongly that you confront your husband over this, make clear just how much it means to you, and don't give up. Communication is very important, and the two of you don't appear to be communicating about this at all. (Sorry to sound so blunt.) When he objects as before, remind him he's done nothing at all to help, he's not changed his ways, and obviously isn't really listening. You've had enough and he must understand that. Homeschooling is the least of the problem right now. The real issue is that your husband is living the life of a single man while living in a house where his meals are cooked, clothes are washed, and bed is made. And you're paying the price for this. What about pursuing an interest of your own - something that means you leave the house one or two evenings every week? My wife, for example, attends ladies' meetings, quilting classes, chaperones the marching band, plays on two tennis teams, and a couple of other things. While she's out, I'm in charge. When I'm traveling, the older children are in charge. How could your husband complain? After all, he's out and about just about every evening of the week. Maybe Monday and Wednesday evenings are yours while Tuesdays and Thursdays are his - and Fridays are for the two of you to go out together. I'm not suggesting this to be combative, but maybe it will help your husband to see things in a different light and to realize just how one-sided right now are commitments to outside interests.
okay now I may sound kinda on another angle but what is wrong with the 13 and 11 yr old that they can't be helping with the baby enough for you to get a bath now and then? Even the 6 yr old could pay with him in a room with toys. set up a safe zone. then enjoy your time in the bath/shower. Secondly -- I do agree with those who said get the kids helping with cleaning. Get a set schedule set for the cleaning and home schooling that allows for time for you to take a walk at least, if not go shopping alone. Your 13 yr old is legal in most states to be a sitter. If you keep trying to be everything to everyone you will wear yourself to a frazzle and they will be forced to take care of you. I have often had an injury show my kids and hub by just how much they don't do, or didn't do. They hate it when I can do nothing. Okay, I would also suggest a fun thing ( for you) go on strike! I went on strike, only washed my own clothes and youngest dc. cause he was too young to do it himself. Only washed our dishes, fixed just enough food for me and him, that sort of then for a day or two.. they got the idea and I got help! now dh supports me encouraged the kids to not let me do everything ( I am one who tries to do it all! I would if I could stretch that far! but we have to take down time.) I alsofound getting up early ( I pray and read my bible) before everyone else is up. I do odds and end stuff that makes me feel better. Like dishes that were left around, trying to not fuss over it I will locate and put in sink. I put a note up on the weekends and some days during week that says "Wash me or load me aor PUT ME AWAY" and stick it on the dish washer or sink. Sweep me! put on the floor. Or I write up a chore list, Ilist on cards things for the family to do.. you could include hubby and make his liek one thing. Play with baby boy. or something to start, the kids will notice how much each person does and He may decide he wants you to add more to him. Do this one day a week, and say that is the only day you want his help for starters. increase it as needed but pick one day and tell himhe needs to set a good example for the kids. He does not want to create lazy heads after all. okay I think Irambled enough,hope Ihelped!
Oh, I so feel for you! I'm going through much the same thing right now, though it's only temporary... my husband's working nights at a big shut down, so he's working 7 days a week, 12 hour shifts. He sleeps all day and we only see him from 3:30-6:30pm every day. We're on week 6, with about 6 more weeks to go. So, I know how it feels to essentially be a "single mom" (no disrespect to those who actually are single moms 24/7/365) for a period of time. It's hard. It's exhausting. It wears you down. The difference is that I see an end in sight, and I know that my dh will be back to his normal helpful self once this job is over. I agree with the others who noted that your older children (specifically the older two) are absolutely old enough to do their share of the household chores. It shouldn't be falling all on you. They're also old enough to watch the younger two for a half hour or so at a time so you can have a relaxing bath or even just lock yourself in your room to read. It's not as though you're not available in case of emergency, right? I know this isn't really productive, or helpful (LOL), but were I in your shoes I'd be having a major meltdown at my dh's attitude. His attitude of "it is my fault I don't have any free time because I am the one who decided to homeschool" is insulting and disrespectful and totally would not fly with me. At the most, he might be able to say that because you wanted to homeschool but he didn't, the homeschooling responsibilities fall on your shoulders. Not that I agree that should be the case, because he should be showing at least as much interest in his children's education as he shows in their extra-curriculars.... but I could concede a certain amount of logic in that argument if forced. However, is he not a member of your household? Are you not equal partners in the marriage? Those who live in the household should contribute to making the household a pleasant place to live (and by pleasant, I mean clean and tidy). Maybe, since he works to support the household financially, you might agree that the housekeeping should fall mostly on you (which is how we do it in our household). That's fine, and fair, IMO. His financial contribution might be a fair trade for the cooking and cleaning you do, but it sure isn't a fair trade when you add in 100% of the childcare, also. The are his responsibility, too. Not the just older ones, who he spends time with coaching. The younger ones, too. Caring for them should not be 100% on you. If he wants you cleaning for him, laundering for him, cooking for him and to have enough energy (and desire) to partake in certain marital activities then he needs to take some responsibility for something within the household. You deserve time to yourself, doing something you enjoy that's just for you. ok, sorry for that rant. Stuff like this just really burns my butt. At the very least, the very minimum, your dh needs to be willing to sit down and listen to your concerns and care about how you feel and be willing to work on it as though you're equal partners in your marriage. Anything less is unacceptable. I really hope you can work it out before your burn out *hugs*
I agree on the chore chart, and have tried it before. I think the trick to charts is being consistant and giving consequences for not doing your job. I apparantly stink at both of those. My 13 y/o is actually very, very helpfull with cleaning. She comes home from school and cleans the kitchen and living room for me, and always has a clean room. The kids do watch the baby for me quite a bit . I have been on the computer alot lately because I am looking for some curriculum ideas. About 80% of what I bought I hate, so it is like starting over again. I am trying to make homeschooling as fun as possible, but I can't believe how much planning goes into making up your own curriculum. Last year I did the packaged BJU stuff and it was easy for me but the kids were bored to tears. As for my problem with dh, I have tried every angle possible. I have tried yelling uncontrollably, talking rationally, crying even (which is something I hardly ever do). I even wrote him a letter explaining how I felt. Still nothing. But you all are right I am completely stressed out. It is a sick cycle I go through with stress, it turns into depression then I start getting anxiety attacks. About 8 years ago I had such a bad time with panic attacks that I didn't leave my house for months. I had to take sedatives and anti-depressants just to get through the day. I eventually got it in check, but it was such a hard process. It took years of baby steps to finally feel almost back to normal again. Well lately I have been starting to have them again, and I am terrified that I will end up stuck in my house like I was 8 years ago. Sorry didn't mean to ramble again
I'm with Steve. (and expanding) More than anything, this is a marriage problem. You are trying to communicate with your husband and he is not hearing you. Part of it may be that you are not being clear or firm, but part of it is easily the fact that he is not hearing it. If you-worn-out looks anything like me-worn-out, your husband should be able to see that in your face and see you aren't just wanting to run around being selfish. Honestly: I would consider talking to a counselor or pastor at your church. Sometimes people need that outside input. I'm with Dave Ramsey: seeing a counselor does not equate with divorce and only improves marriages, even excellent ones. I'd give you more advice but...we're having the same problem, LOL.
I would let his laundry pile up and when he wants something clean and doesn't have it say "Is is my fault your gone 24/7? If you want clean clothes, then you should stay home and do them." Harsh, I know, but I can't stand smart butts. I would make a chore list for the older kids and limit them in their extra curricular activities. When you spend all of your time running, pretty soon all of the kids will be gone and married and you will wonder where the time went and you will realize that you ran through your life and missed all the wonderful times you could have had as a family. I would also insist that he spend time with the baby and let you get a respit on occasion. He helped make the child, he should help care for him too.
Well stated Steve! Always nice to get a males point of view. Sorry this is happening to you. When my dh and I first got together he would do the same thing. He thought it was smart climbing mountains while we had a baby in the oven. It took him a couple years to realize if he continued the route he was going, he was going to come home to an empty house. It's all about priorities and your dh has to decide what is more important. You need to firmly state how you are feeling and tell him how the cow is going to eat the cabbage. (((( ))))
Someone mentioned in another thread that you can teach anything with a library card.. thats paraphrased but the point is. Dont stress over the planing-- write it up simple- MATH< LANGUAGE ARTS< SCIENCE< HISTORY <PE Then have whatever books you have set out. Keep a book mark in it. Date the pages if you own them etc. Then your homeschoolers can see what comes next, and go to it if you are busy. If you look at the work box thread .. not sure how to add its link here but it has lots of ideas for setting things up ahead without a lot of work. I think that once things are flowing foryou hsing then the home life will not seem as heavy to you. Just remember 'this too shall pass'. The kids will growup fast so focus on them, how to get things going well for them. Make sure you ahve YOU time in there, and figure a way to MAKE hubby take on the kids. At least for once every two weeks, make it a habit to slip out before he gets up. Take a trip to the grocery store or whatever, let the older kids know dad ishome if they need aynything. Sometimes it takes doing it to see what they need to be doing. ONe other suggestion Ihave is to call SUPERNANNY! lol , sounds funny but she dealt with hubbys who needed to get a clue on hertv show! lol
I am sorry you are going through this. My good ole friend on here Jackie will tell you and has told me for years, that Mommy time is very important. You need to have that once a day for 30 mintues and do nothing but what you want to do. For yourself only. It's help me alot. Send the children to there room to read, or look at books. It's help us alot. I don't know I would hs if my dh wasn't behind me. Got to be hard.
Jennifer, Maybe the people on this board know something I don't, however I don't know of any way to make anyone want to do something. You may be able to coerce your husband into taking the baby for you every once in a while, but I think you are looking for sincere support from him. I'm not sure that being aggressive, forceful, whiny, nagging or demanding is going to make him want to support you. I, myself, am taking Lorazepam and Zoloft for panic attacks and depression, so again, maybe I have no place to give you advice, but I do know how scary panic attacks are, and how lonely you can feel when your partner stops being there for you in tough times. I started having panic attacks 3 years ago, and about 6 months into it, my husband started going out almost every night for about a year. He just couldn't deal with the panic attacks. In my mind, the more loving and supportive you can be for him, the more loving and supportive he will be of you. It's hard to take that first step, especially when you're depressed. Your husband should be there for you, but he's not. He probably doesn't believe he can be in a way that will actually make anything better. I think that's how my husband felt. Maybe, instead of forcing him to take the baby, you could invite him on a date, or plan a candlelit picnic on the bedroom floor, or draw a hot bubble bath for the two of you. One thing I've learned dealing with depression is that happiness really boils down to two things. When you are happy, you are either hopeful or grateful. It's impossible to feel bad while being simultaneously hopeful or grateful. Right now there are a lot of things you are not grateful for when it comes to your husband, but maybe there are some things that you are grateful for. Try to come up with a list of those things and start mentioning those things to him. Grab each opportunity where he is supportive to thank him for being supportive (i.e. - when he mentions how good the kids are doing you could respond with..."That really means a lot when you notice the impact all of the effort I've been doing with homeschooling is having. Thanks sweetie!"). Then, also try to come up with something you can hope for. Give yourself a small goal, something to work toward, something to look forward to. I think bringing hope and gratitude in your life can really do wonders. I don't know. That's just me. I sincerely hope you start feeling better soon and can find a way to have a closer, more loving and supportive relationship with your husband. Sincerely, Amanda
