You can PM me on this if you prefer. But, I rarely spank. It has to be a big deal if I do spank. I do not even know the last time I spanked. But lately, there have been some constant misbehaviors that we are having a lot of difficulty getting a hold of. I am wondering if I should talk to the children and tell them that the next time we see these behaviors (and write those behaviors down so they do not forget) that they will receive spankings? I am unsure about this as I hate to resort to spanking, but I am also fed up with certain behaviors. Since I know spanking is controversial, feel free to PM me instead of responding publically if you prefer.
If you do a search of the site, we have a few threads on spanking. With that said, I do believe in spanking as a last resort or for complete defiance. I also believe it should not be done in anger. I believe there is a difference in abuse and spanking. A parent can talk to their children and be just as abusive with their words as a parent can be with spanking.
I spank IF needed. I don't like too and rarely have had too. I think my oldest has been spanked 2 times in 11 years and middle child probably 2 times in 6 years and than of course none for my 12 mo old.. lol Sometimes it resorts to that. Nobody should look down and penalize you or say your a bad parent because of your form of discipline... now there is extreme spanking and in that case i do not support AT ALL. My dad was a alchohoic and spanked me alot for no reason except for he was drunk.. thats why it takes ALOT for me to spank....
I have posted before about 5 yr old getting in to everything. He is beyond where he knows better. Today, we woke up to find that he got up during the night and went through his dad's desk (which is in his office where dh works) and opened DH's laptop and stuck a whole book of stamps to the screen of the laptop. The stamps will not come off the screen completely. Now dh has to work with this. The company owns the computer so he will have to explain this to his boss. Last week, he took a different book of stamps and stuck them to his body and then the rug. He was spoken to and made to help clean up and told to not do it again and he agreed he would not do it again. Obviously, he did it again. He also keeps getting caught writing on the walls despite having all the paper and such that is out there. He has everything from white to manilla to construction to colored typing paper to lined to handwriting..etc. He also has huge pads for drawing and sketch books and small spirals and so on. But he picks the walls to write on. He also keeps dumping shelves and cupboards and such. I ask him why and he has no answer. I try to force him to pick it up, he won't. Often, the mess is so big that it is not even possible for him to pick it all up. He climbed my linen closet several times and and threw all the blankets and sheets and such off the shelves. He got in to the cupboards with board games and threw them all out, peices everywhere. He did the same with the puzzles. We ended up having to throw away some of the puzzles as it was too hard to sort through and put in the proper boxes. A couple days ago, I walked in to the kitchen and the pantry was shut. Suddenly, the doors to the pantry fly open and ds5 falls from the shelf. He is giggling. Turns out, he climbed the shelves but knew he was not supposed to so he pulled the doors shut so I would not see him. I saw nothing in his hands so I told him no more and shut the doors and turned to finish what I was doing. This is when I found out that he must have had the paint bottle in his pocket. This is because he was able to paint and get it all over himself. Thing is, if he had just asked, I would have let him paint...at the table. I would have gotten the paint down myself. But he finds climbing too much fun so he did not ask, he just did it. I really hate to spank him, but, he cannot be going in to his dad's office and messing with his work stuff. He has cost us puzzles and 2 books of stamps and I do not know if we will have to pay to replace the screen on the laptop. (seriously, the stamps will not come completely off).
I don't know what to say about the spanking issue because we don't spank and I don't know your son. I did want to say you might want to buy a bottle of Goo Gone and try it on a tiny spot on the screen of your husbands lap top. We just bought replacement windows and they had glue stuff on them from the factory that I couldn't get off with window cleaner. Goo Gone took it right off. I think we bought it at LOWE'S. Beth
we spank only when and if the problem is needed. that said my dd have not recieved a spanking in months to yr. my dd 12 does not get spanked any more, we use more creative methods now my dd 8 does get spanked if and only the problem demands it. (which is very seldom) If my child was doing that to you and at night for that fact, I could put locks everywhere, and really crack down on him. When I was a teenager I babysat for a set of twins, their parents would have to put up baby gates, two, one on top of the other, to keep them in their room at night. If you didn't you woke up to food all over the place! She also had to pad lock most of her cabnets. We, (I helped) had to keep on them not to get into stuff. her bedroom door was locked when she or her hubby was not in their cause the girls would destroy it. It did not take long for them to do it either. I feel for you, parenting is never easy when they push your buttons! Do what you feel is best for your son.
Yes, I spank. I know it's controversial, so I won't even bother arguing my point. Spanking isn't my only form of punishment, but I definitely use it. Have you tried goo-gone for the laptop? Sorry, I don't know much about your family, but is it possible another sibling (especially younger) is getting attention he's not getting (not necessarily more attention, but a different type... like nursing)? Is it possible he has a behavioral issue that can be addressed by a psychologist? Is it possible he's sleepwalking (although, with the daytime incidents, I doubt it)? Every child is different - even within the same sibling group. (My youngest already does things my oldest would never dream of doing! He's going to be a handful!) See if your library has Dr. James Dobson's "The Strong Willed Child".
If you spank for every little thing, then the spanking becomes meaningless. On the other hand, if you save it for when it's necessary, it can be a very useful tool. I would let him know that the next time he behaves like this, you WILL spank!!! He'll learn that you mean it. It sounds almost as if he's playing a game with you, and spanking may be the only way to get him to stop. We rarely spank anymore, but we still reserve the right to do so if needed.
Your son sound sooooooo much like my 6 yo ds! I thought I was the only one who had a child like that. I can tell you what I did to help remedy the situation...and it didn't involve spanking. Sorry this is long. He really honestly believes the world is his canvas when it comes to drawing and art. Like your son, he has ample amounts of paper, pads, and what not to draw on, but he always chose the walls. I hated, and I mean HATED having to repaint the whole house every 6 months because of his "art work". I tried taking everything away and hiding it but it didn't last very long (he always seems to be able to find things I hide), I tried time outs, I tried putting him in his room and nothing worked, so I finally decided that I would go in his room and draw all over HIS walls. He cried and cried for along time but he finally understood how it felt to have someone ruin something that was yours. He has not drawn on a wall since and it has been nearly a year. As for the the throwing out puzzles and games...he did that too. I got fed up and threw out all games and puzzles. I know that sounds extreme but I HAD to do it to get it through to him that we don't get to have these in the house since he is not responsible enough. We now have 3 games and 2 puzzles and he understands he has to be responsible with them. We didn't have games or puzzles in our house for nearly 8 months before I bought more. Climbing and pulling out the blankets and sheets always made me so mad because I felt that once they were out I had to re-wash them. Finally I decided to make HIM do they laundry and wash them if he felt he was old enough to take them out. He quickly got the point after he was on his 15th load of laundry (not in one day...but over the course of 3 days). He realized it was not fun to pull them out any more. Putting stamps on a laptop screen in my house would get you spanked and a long time out. Especially if it were not owned by me. My DH hates it when the kids go in his office and mess with things. We finally had to resort to locking the door and only mom and dad have a key to get in and it is NOT on our key ring with all our other keys. ITis hidden in the house. I think my son acted like that because he is a middle child and sometimes felt like he was not getting the attention he thought he should be getting. I know I don't always spend huge amount of quality time one on one with my kids, but I have been trying to spend an extra amount of time with them when I put them to bed (reading for a hour to my boys, and talking with my girls about their friends and whatever they want to talk about) and it seems to be helping with all of them. I know sometimes it is hard to follow through with punishments (like making my son wash the laundry) but I can say now that it was SOOOOO worth it because he really did finally understand.
Take my opinion for what its worth. In my home we spanked for open defiance/disobedience. That was the punishment part of the discipline in our home. My ds required it more often than dd. Dd is very sensitive and spanking was way more than what she needed as a consequence. Ds is strong-willed and tested boundaries constantly for years. Now, at 13, I haven't had to spank for years. He is obedient--which at times I wondered if he would ever be--and I know it is because he had consistant consequences as a child. I know that I would much rather be the one spanking my child for defiance now than to have God "spank" them for defiance as adults. After thought: we used Love and Logic in our home to help our children come up with the way they were going to "fix" the problem that they caused for someone. That's a whole other post (think I talked about it quite a bit a few years ago). Still, the discipline sometimes came after the punishment of a spanking if the problem they caused was because of disobedience.
I was always in trouble for refusing to listen to anyone in authority. There were no hidden causes except I hated authority and wanted things my way. I also wasn't worse than most strong-willed children but I clearly remember being spanked many times. My mom rarely spanked us and if we didn't obey she would say, "Your dad will deal with this when he gets home." He always did and it wasn't always with a spanking and was usually grounding or something. However, if my dad was home when we refused to listen even after threats of loosing something it was a spanking with a belt, stick or whatever he could find. Sometimes he would spank just once, other times it was 4 or 5 times...whatever it took to break our 'will' which always resulted in crying. I remember it hurting but refusing to cry because I didn't want him to win. However, having a great dad I can't ever remember a time where he didn't come back (after I had my crying and thinking time) and give me a big hug and tell me how much he loved me and didn't like to spank me. He usually had tears in his eyes when he did but the point was I learned if I disobey there is a real consequence and there was also a release of guilt because I knew I got what I deserved.
Momofafew, I think in those circumstances that I'd have to spank first and discuss it later -- I also believe that a swat on the hindquarters in a judicious manner is why God put the little extra padding there. It doesn't harm (if done right and righteously) and might actually do some good. I've tried never to spank more than five licks and mostly with my hand (which usually hurts my hand more than the child). I think DD got maybe three spankings in her lifetime. She and her husband have chosen not to spank, but they also got a child who can be reasoned with (even though she's only 2 1/2) and responds to timeouts. Our ds was a hyperactive/impulsive child. He could not be reasoned with. We tried restrictions, time outs, kneeling in the corner, taking away stuff, teaching/praying with him, having him write lines and write Scriptures, and NOTHING, not even spanking sometimes, even with a belt, worked. For our son, ritalin was a godsend. Added note: We also tried making him clean it up, fix it, stuff like that, and also if he broke something, to break something of his. Those didn't work either. However, HIS son, who is now four, is a child that can be reasoned with, and the threat of a timeout is sufficient most of the time to get him to stop whatever it is that he did that deserves discipline. If he gets "totally wild", actually carrying out the timeout (one minute per year of age, plus one minute ... he IS his father's son, y'know!) quickly brings about (after he's released from timeout) a sincere apology and a promise not to do it again. He may actually end up doing it again, but not for quite awhile. He's four. (His father STILL has trouble saying he's sorry for something he did.) DGS is the spittin' image of his dad in looks, expressions, intelligence, imagination, most of his food preferences, BUT he got his "non-hyperactivity" from his mother, for which we are sincerely grateful to God.
In my house if the situation calls for it a spanking is used. But it sounds like your son is trying to get your attention by doing anything to get it even if it's bad attention. Like another poster suggested, have him clean up his messes. He's old enough to wash walls, get him some erasers and let him clean it up. Eventually cleaning up his messes will get old unless he's like my son who likes to clean walls and we now have a bottle of cleaner and a sponge just for him. But that's a rare case as far as I know. Making him responsible for his own messes will be a great punishment and if you can spend a little more time with him either you or your dh I bet he'll soak it up and behave better.
I am wondering if this is the same son who you mentioned was autistic in another post? If so, then spanking probably wouldn't totally get through to him. If not, have you had this son tested for autism? I am wondering only because it seems that 5 is pretty old not to know better than this. I am not being sarcastic or trying to hurt your feelings, but I honestly wonder if there might be more here than meets the eye. My kids aren't advanced, just average boys and I can't imagine them doing something like that at age 5.
if i knew in my heart that he totally understood, and had no underlying issues like autism, then a spanking would be happening asap. you have cooled off now. sit him down, give it to him straight and whip his butt, lol. then like you said, write out the exact examples of what will recieve a spanking and then he can clean what ever he messed up, even if it takes an hour or two. even if he keeps thinking of things not on the list, the first time, he could just clean it up and get time out, but it gets written on the list and the next time , it is automatic spanking. if you are very ticked off when it occurs, give yourselves 5 minutes to breathe bf you administer the punishment. i dont know if you are a christian, but lisa whelchel has a great book, creative correction, and it has bible verses for practically every bad action that she incorporates in her discipline. she homeschools and her son was adhd, so she had lots of practice, good luck, be consisitent, be loving, but firm, and make sure you give your self a pep talk after the punishment, lol. i always feel bad, but i try to remember, it is for their good, and they need to learn from me, their mom who really loves them, how to behave.
No...he is no way has autism. He is just very energetic, but not to the point of hyper, and defiant. My neice was like this. Both even have the same expressions. Both as cute as can be and have the same mannerisms and expressions. I will say that at 5 yrs4 months, he does not recognize all his letters. He does not get that the letters in the alphabet at called letters. he calls them "numbers in the alphabet." Meanwhile, he can tell you every single Star Wars character and which episode they were in and every single thing about them. He only learned his numbers when he needed them for cheat codes on his Lego Star Wars games. In reality, I think he got out of control with these messes while I was pregnant. It is not that he felt ignored so he lashed out. It is that he got away with it. I had a very difficult pregnancy and got to the point where I just let everything go. The stamps thing just started in the last couple weeks..he has done it twice (the 2nd time was on the laptop). Even the writing on the walls started when I was pregnant. But it might just be the age. He only learned how to write his name this past summer and it is when he learned how to write his name that he started writing it on all the walls all over the house.
I was a spanker. Not very often, and honestly it has been over 6 years since I did it, maybe more. But it grabs the attention of a little one like no other. :lol: And it doesn't have to be hard to be effective. We used all sorts of punishment - and time outs worked for one, but not the other. I also remove privelages.
I don't have time to read all the posts, but we just faced this issue. A friend recommended Shepherding a Child's Heart. I found it very useful in dealing with our issues. Here's the Cliff Note version... 1. Spanking is to be done out of love and concern for the child 2. All discipline should be concerned with the heart issue of the child . For example, allowing a child to continue down a path of defiance only hardens his/her heart to correction and can lead to serious problems in life. 3. A child is spanked for disobedience. We told our son that we expected him to obey without complain, without delay and without challenge. There are no second chances. (That was a big problem for me; I'd repeat myself and give him too many chances. Now that he knows there is only one chance, he doesn't push the limits anymore.) He may petition once if it is presented in a respectful way. Example: "Billy, get ready for bed." A respectful petition would be "May I please finish this game first?" A disrespectful petition would be "AWWW, mom, I just started this game." A child must BEGIN to obey even as a petition is being asked. 4. When a spanking is needed, it is done in private (not in front of friends or siblings). You state how many swats he/she will get (we go with two but if he does not submit to the spanking more are added). You tell them how many so that they know you are in control and not acting in anger. Once the spanking is over, the child is restored to good standing. The sin is forgiven and forgotten. (This is the part that I think was freeing for our son. I was racking my brain trying to come up with consequences sometimes, and he never knew what was coming. Also the consequences I came up with last long after the intial offence. The first and only time we needed to spank my husband did it. My son would not submit to me for a spanking, so he had to wait for my husband to come home. My husband was calm and explained what was going to happen and why. My son needed a little time alone afterward, but when my husband went to get him after supper he acted like a weight had been lifted. We went to the fair that night and he held my husband's hand the whole evening. My son is 8 years old! It is what he needed, and so far we have not needed to do it again. It is like he needed that little push to help him get himself undercontrol.) 5. NEVER spank when angry. 6. Just for the record my husband made a paddle for this purpose. I had him smack me with the same strength he would use on our son. It stung, but it wasn't horrible. It should be just enough to be unpleasant but not to create intense pain. The pain should be instant and then gone. If you whack them hard enough that it still stings fifteen seconds later, you've done it too hard. I would really recommend reading the book first though. I didn't agree with everything the author said, but there was enough good advice to make it worth reading.
I have not read all the responses. I have no problem with spanking whatsoever. I don't even mind if it is the first thing you do. I just think it needs to be done controlled and with the understanding that it is punishment and not a form of loosing control or anger. I have spanked many many times. However, my kids easily listen without getting spanked. I think a parent needs to develop a sense of trust and respect before he or she spanks. Otherwise the message will be wrong. This is my final post on this topic. I am not getting into the middle of anything. LOL..LOL.
