Hi Momofafew. If you don't want to resort to spanking you don't have to. I'd check into the Love and Logic method and see how that works for you.
Again...I don't think someone needs to "resort" to spanking. Spanking is a punishment. Plain and simple. You have set up why a child gets spanked and let the child know what offenses are spankable...lol...spankable..silly word. I never resort to spanking. I spank. It's a form of punishment in my home. You are not always warned a million times before it happens because the rules have already been established. If I tell my child that lying will cause you to get spanked than that's the punishment. If they lie the first time they get spanked. If they lie again, they get spanked. I don't count. I don't humor. I don't warn. I discipline. Be that by spanking or another form of punishment. Spanking does not imply a loss of control. Spanking is not for those who are sick and tired of a child's actions. Spanking does not mean you do not love your child. Spanking does not mean you are not logical. Spanking is NOT emotion driven. If you are considering spanking based on your emotions then forget it. Establish it as a punishment or don't. But NEVER resort to it. That will send the wrong message. In fact, my daughter just got spanked the other night for calling her brother a stupid loser. My husband had talked to her about her tongue...how to treat her siblings....how this can effect my son...and that he expected her NOT to call him names. She did...which means she disobeyed and did something my husband and I did not want her to do..fully aware we would not condone it. So, without a warning she got spanked. We were not going to give her another chance. She would take it, most likely. We had already explained what we expected from her. She is 11...there was NO misunderstanding. So, my husband spanked her. Her first spanking in over a year. She isn't stupid...she knows how to avoid a spanking....by following the rules. All my kids...well except the one year old... are told that they choose to get spanked when they disobey. I told my 4 year old that when she disobeys it is the same thing as saying "please spank me." I do have many other ways of discipling. I rarely spank. NOT because I have to resort to it but BECAUSE my kids know full well that won't resort I just carry out punishment. Okay..I was not going to say anything else on this...but I am sick to death of the idea that spanking must be a last resort. If you made it a first resort your children wouldn't drive to needing a last resort.
When we spanked our kids it was after being sent to thier room, for us to cool off! We would discuss what the punishment was to be and then spank , so they knew what it was for. our Spankings did not hurt them, they even admitted that eventually, physically that is it was an emberassment to them that they had to be spanked, because it meant they had really done it that time. The time that it took dh and i to cool down was good sweat it out time too! By the time we got to them sometimes they were very repentant, we also would pray with them. Now that they are older, we have them help wither punishments. In the past I have actually had one of my ds' ask for a spanking as his punishment because "it gets over faster" lol! Oh and I should say I am in the dont spank unless you have tried the creative first! When time out, and scrubbing the walls themselves ( I had them do that!) and making them do the whatever cleaning they caused a need for, plus extra stuff... when all that does not work then you send them to thier room to think ( which if they think like ds did for a while it will mean they have to clean thier room after lol) then you go in sit and discuss why it was wrong. btw if they are NOT calm, you leave the room and come back when they are "ready to discuss the punishment" Then you go in talk , explain, pray or whatever you do to get your child repenting of thier crime, and administer whatever punishment fits the crime.
Here's another way of thinking on this subject.... In our home spanking is punishment for defiance which always needs to be followed with discipline, which can be as creative as you like and can be taylored to the offense. I agree Love and Logic is the best way I have found to train kids to fix the problems they create. It helps me to deal with offenses in my everyday life as well. For me, spanking should only be part of your game plan. To leave it at just a spanking is dropping the ball on an opportunity to train the child. However, to merely use problem solving skills, like Love and Logic is also only half of what a child needs to learn that defiance is not tolerated. Like my dad says, "Talk to them all you want, but you have to get their attention first." Spanking is just punishment for disobedience.
I agree, Brooke...spanking by itself is dropping the ball. We only spank for certain offenses..mostly disobedience...and the kids are aware of the punishment in advance. So no counting, warning or garbage that only leads to more frustration. However, discipline should always be followed by a teaching moment. Except in the case of a one year old when assiociation makes more sense then talk. However, my one year old does not get spanked...she is only 15 months. She does make quick associations though. So, what age do you all think is a good age to spank...out of curiosity? I have heard as young as 12 months to as old as 5. I think it is best to start before 2. However, if you start before 18 months, IMO, you are wasting your time. "Training" by association is better. For instance, you want hte child to come....you say "come here". Then you show the baby what that means by bringing her to you. Being consistent is key with that kind of association making. If I say diaper my one year old goes right to the steps to get her diaper changed upstairs. lol. She does the same for bedtime. She is showing her own little fiesty ways...but I am making verbal and phyiscal guiding assocations right now and not spanking her. Not that I care if you spank your 15 month old..I really don't. I just think it's better to instill proper associations with what you want first.
As soon as they're old enough to disobey. Using your example, Ava. Yes, I agree you tell a young child to "Come here", and then you show or help them to do that. Or you tell a young child to pick up, and then you help them to pick up, your hands on theirs if necessary. But what if you say "Come here", and the child laughs and runs away as fast as their little legs can carry them? Then I think a light swat on the back side is in order. Or if, when you tell a child to pick up, they yank their hand away and start throwing toys all over. Again, a swat is in order.
Intersting you ask....my oldest was strong-willed from the day he was knit together in my womb. :lol: He was a very advanced child (spoke two word sentences around 9 months old, climbing ladders at 10 months :roll. He understood what "no" meant and could use it in a sentence, we'll just say that! :lol: He got his first taste of corporal punishment before he was a year old because he was playing with something glass...I told him "no", which he understood. He stopped for a second because he knew what I meant. He touched it again and I stearnly said "NO" and flicked his hand. He looked right at me, then at the glass, and then--while maintaining eye contact with me--he smacked the glass! I again stearnly said "NO" and then swatted his tush. He didn't even cry, but it got his attention and he didn't touch the glass again...till the next day. :roll: Did I mention he was strong-willed???
Yes I spank too, however anytime I post it, you would think I told someone to take their child out and shoot them! I am not an excessive spanker. I believed my parents spanked too frequently. I have only had to spank my child (now 11) 2 or 3 times. Now if she starts getting mouthy or defiant I just say it must be time for the belt and her attitude adjusts immediately. I rarely have to even mention it and she has to push my buttons quite a while before I will go there. In your case I would suggest you ask him didn't you discuss with him about the stamps or painting on the wall, when he says yes then explain that he did not do what mommy said or he didn't keep his word and because of that he will be getting a spanking (this is what I do if I have to spank - let them know why). After the spanking then say if this behavior happens again, you will get another spanking. That way they know what the consequences are, but, you have to stick to it. If you let them get away with it over and over again and don't keep your word, then it will never work.
I do agree, Jackie with your examples. Kara will just stand there and look at me or she actually comes. I do remember Olivia got her first spanking for not coming when she was called. lol.
I would count. I remember Rachael at a year and a half, running away from me at church as fast as she could. I just stood there and started counting. When I said THREE, she turned on a dime and ran straight toward me, that little monkey!!!
I am am a spanker "as a last resort" type of parent. LOL Did that make sense? :lol: I do not believe that everything warrants an immediate spanking. I have found that there are many other things that work better for individual situations. With the exception of complete defiance, I try to find other means of punishment. Spankings are fabulous attention getters and I find they work better on younger children. Still, I have told Ems that it doesn't matter how old she is, if a spanking is warranted, she will have it coming to her. Thankfully she has been an easy child for the most part and it has been a long time since she has had a spanking. I remember my dad's spankings. He would give us our spanking, then the discipline talk, then the extra chore or whatever had to be done as part of the punishment or correcting what we did wrong. He wasn't simply a spanker. I really likes this because it allowed me to know why I was getting spanked. On the other hand, my mom was a spanker and gave no explanation. Plus she spanked too much. It was her only means of punishment. But this was also the way she was raised. So I tend to be more like my dad now. It made more sense to me because he took the time to explain what I did wrong and to redirect me in a better direction instead of just applying a swat on my fanny and leaving it at that.
