My husband thinks we should have our son (8 y.o.) evaluated by a child psychiatrist. I think if we found a good one who was homeschooler friendly, it could be helpful. Here's the issues... Tonight, he was suppose to go caroling with the Cub Scouts. He didn't want to go. His reason is "because it's boring." We said, "You can be bored for an hour in order to do something nice for others. The people for whom you are caroling really enjoy seeing the Cub Scouts come through." That should have been the end of it, but he started sobbing -- he didn't want to go. If we had forced him, he would have been in tears there, and that would have been bad. We told him that if he shirked his responsibility to his troop than he'd have to sit in a chair at home and experience unproductive boredom for the same amount of time as they would be caroling. He choose the chair. BTW, my husband would have been with him. This isn't the first time he has irrationally and emotionally declared that he didn't want to do something. If it were a rare occurence, we'd let it slide, but we have to force him to do many things (lots of them are fun and he will admit as much afterward), and then sometimes, he just prefers to accept the consequences. He went through a period when he was six in which he didn't want to go anywhere like Sunday School (which had previously been enjoyable to him) or the Kid's Gym at our fitness club (which is awesome), etc. It seems like that same reluctance is returning. He's taking karate, against his will, because my husband thinks (and I agree) that he needs to be in an organized and active activity under someone else's instruction. (He doesn't take correction from others well -- even very gentle correction. He becomes very upset.) He has told us that he'd rather play a sport; something that moved faster than his karate class. We're ok with that, so I found a homeschool gym class that will meet my husband's criteria. My son is now getting teary eyed at the possibility of having to play basketball as a part of this multi-sport class. He doesn't want to play basketball. Just this weekend, he was in tears at a First Aid training when the instructor brought out the dummies for the boys to practice CPR on. He didn't want to blow into the dummy. First, it was because of the germs, but when my husband explained that the little plastic liner was thrown away after each use, my son still objected. He "just didn't want to", and so he didn't. Sorry this is so long, but I thought I'd start here. Maybe one of you has a child like this. Maybe there's a label for it. Labels aren't always useful, but if we could name this behavior we might be able to either relax, because he'll outgrow it or get help so he gets past it. Also, I'm not sure how to proceed to get him evaluated. I'm not even sure what type of professional to call. I guess could contact is pediatrician for a referral.
contact your pediatrician. My daughter is very much like that. She gets very emotional and refuses to do things that I know she would enjoy. She is 8 now, and I usually make her do them. I just simply make her. She whines but I figure that is ok. I tell her that is too bad, she is going to do what she is told. Been whining about not wanting to sing her special at the Christmas play. She volunteered to do it. Now at the last min she doesn't want to. I told her that is too bad. She can stand on stage and sing, or she stand up their and bawl, but either way, she is going up. She will be too embarrassed NOT to sing, so I'm sure she will do it, after I throw her up there. Next year I will talk to her teacher and UNvolunteer her. I don't know, it's hard to know what to do sometimes. I'm sure others will have ideas
My dd10 has a friend with social anxiety. She see's a psychologist for it. Dd says her friend has beend doing much better and has even decided to join volleyball. My ds13 has Tourette's Syndrome. It helped him to deal with his tics when he found out that it wasn't "just him". He could "blame" his condition and separate it from himself. Hope this encourages you.
ochumgache - I am a homeschool mom and child therapist. First, take a deep breath and realize that most likely this is just part of his nature and part of growing up. If you have concerns, contact your pediatrician and he/she can refer you to a therapist in your area. Best wishes and stay positive.
I wish you were here! My greatest concern about finding a professional to evaluate my son is finding one who is somewhat educated about homeschooling or at least can be objective about it. We had a speech therapist who was completely ignorant about homeschooling and had formed negative opinions about it that were contrary to the evidence right in front of her. My pediatrician is objective, so hopefully, she will have a sense for who would be right to see my son.
Alice, yes I have to agree with the others, its part of growing up. My oldest use to be that way. We had to force her to do everything and once she got there she had fun. They are just shy and don't want to try new things. Once we got her there and got her going she was fine, its just the new thing. Now she is 17 out going and doing great. He is fine and things will work out. Hang in there. one the side note my girls both of them were suppose to carol this year but backed out too.
It sounds to me like he is just not a social butterfly. Not having rational thinking is very normal for 8 years old. We went the the psycological evaluation route with Garrett, they were very anti homeschooling, it was more stressful for us than it was even worth. I am now glad they wouldn't give us any kind of diagnosis because I now see things differently, and though we are still desperate for something to click with Garrett and him to be the good kid we know he can be, I'm also very happy that he has no labels. I just hold out hope that as he matures he can find the self control that he needs to be a productive member of our society.
I'm going to step out and be a dissenting opinion. I think that if you are concerned enough to post something, then it is probably not just a phase that should be assumed he will grow out of. You mentioned other concerns he has including germs that are driving his anxiety. I'd encourage you to talk with the objective pediatritian. Don't be afraid of a "label" if it is offered. In our case, ds's "label" was his first step to understanding his Tourette's. As I stated before, he was then able to separate himself from it. It was validation, if you will, that the urges he was having were part of the TS, not a part of what made him who he is. If you ds has clinical anxiety that is treatable, I'm sure he would much rather know that than to assume it is something that he just needs to "get over eventually".
I don't know if a phychiatrist would be my first step. Maybe you could start with counseling from a phychologist. My son isn't like that totally, but sometimes he doesn't want to do things that he enjoys, because he has other stuff he likes to do on his own. But maybe he does have a hard time with being around a lot of people. Maybe he has a certain diagnosis. My son has OCD and when he was younger he had a hard time being in crowds. Even today, he prefers smaller settings (I do to). He also seemed sensitive to loud noises. There are many things that could be contributing, so there is no way for me to guess. But you are not alone. I would encourage you to get therapy for him and see what triggers the responses. Because then maybe you could work around it or prepare him for it. It is just a guess, but it doesn't sound like a rebellious spirit, but that something is really bothering him. Otherwise, it seems like he would rather go, than sitting in a chair.
It is difficult to know what is the best thing to do for our children. We always, always want what is best for our children. Now that I have a head full of gray hair and have seen many families raise their children, myself included, I have life stories. With that said, I have a couple of stories. This one boy I know was very much a "mommy's boy." He clung to his mom and cried over every little thing. His mom was very loving and caring. She did cater a bit to his clinging and crying. I wondered what type of young man he would become. He is now 14 years old. What a wonderful boy he is. He is funny, friendly, and very much his own person. He is strong in spirit and mind. He has his own taste, which is different from others but not weird or strange. He is still sensitive, but not overly. It is a total delight to be with him. Another story. My dughter who is grown has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). When she was younger, she had the symptoms of OCD, but we did not know what they were. We did talk to the family doctor once about one of the symptoms. Our daughter went berserk about seeing the doctor, so we never saw one again. I wish we pursued it more. Perhaps her life would be easier now if we did. Do what you and your husband think is right, not what others or your children think is right. That will surely be the right choice. Believe in your choice. Hold your head high.
As someone else said, you probably want to start with a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. When you call to set the appointment, make sure you speak with the actual psychologist him/herself and ask his or her position on homeschool. Let him or her know you are not bringing your son in to debate the benefits of homeschool and that you are very happy with your son's education as it is. You'll be able to tell in that initial conversation on the phone whether you actually want to bring your son to that psychologist. I wish you luck!
Thanks all. I have decided that I need to first make a written record of the big picture for my son before calling the doctor. I'm trying to write down the things with which he struggles and excels, both academically and socially. We have an educational pyschologist in the area who, according to her website, appears to be homeschool friendly. I wonder if she would be the right place to go when we are ready. Anyone know the difference between and educational pyschologist and a child psychologist?
An educational psychologist would be one primarily concerned with what/how people of all ages learn, and very definitely understands testing and measurements and statistics and such. This person probably provides a testing service, but might also provide some counseling, particularly where educational needs are concerned. A child (general) psychologist would be primarily concerned with diagnosing and providing counseling around problems of childhood, like "ages and stages", mental health and emotional type problems, for the child and the parents. There may be certain terminology applied to psychologists that I am not aware of, such that you can bill yourself as a "child" psychologist if you have such-and-such educational background, courses you took in your master's and doctorate programs, but you can bill yourself as an "educational" psychologist if you have this other set of qualifications and your practice focuses on these other concerns. I'm sure that's clear as mud. It wouldnt hurt to call the lady and ask what the focus of her practice is. Maybe if she's not exactly what you're looking for, she probably knows somebody who is.
Most of the time these appointments will come with a large packet of paperwork they mail you ahead of time to fill out. First time they talked, walked, potty trained, was pregnancy normal, so on and on an on... LOL I did bring some samples of my daughters school work, and some 'journal' notes that I had taken some weeks before and even had some videos of her doing her work. That will all help. Records from any therapists they seen, or any school records, test results. ect.
My son has some similar issues... but different in some ways. I do believe that he has some anxiety issues. Truly unfounded and un-natural fears. He will sometimes panic and just "cannot handle" situations. There is a Christian Child Psychologist nearby whom I have considered talking with to get advice on how to handle him when he has these episodes. He had been doing really well with it until recently, then suddenly started to refuse to do swim lessons (he is a VERY good swimmer). I can explain why he suddenly had issues, but it all goes back to his anxiety. Anyways, I didn't exactly react well, but after I thought it all over I realized that he was having Anxiety issues again and I needed to handle the situation differently then if he were simply trying to control/manipulate the situation, as most normal kids do. He still will not do swim lessons again yet but I do know that he will again some day. My goal was always for him to complete lessons all the way to Life Saving, but that may or may not be possible for this one. I hate that I have to consider taking him to someone. I hate that he has these crippling problems but he does. He does not handle change well and he does not handle separation well. These are things that he needs to be able to "learn" to handle thus I will more then likely be seeking help to learn how to best deal with him. I am not sure if this helps at all, but perhaps my thinking out loud does help someone.
I suppose it depends on the degree. My ds had a meltdown the other day not wanting to go to kickboxing, and wanting to go to church instead...which he had quit Awana's because it was "boring". So it turned out tha the reason he wanted to go to the church dinner was another boy was bringing a game to battle...and ds didn't want to disappoint him. so of course that boy wasn't there that week. (sigh) and ds admitted that the whole episode was silly. I don't know. my younger son is not as socially out there as the older one. He has chosen not to do team sports, we are still discussing church choir...and of course he quit Awana. He does melt down about things sometimes....and other times is fine. Some stuff I make him do, and others I give in on. It has to be just a feeling. Is this ok or not. I don't think a diagnosis (label) is always a bad thing. It is a way of externalizing behavior that then the child can blame THAT. As long as it is not used to excuse controllable behavior... Ex. We know ds(the older one) is dyslexic. It will be harder for him to read and take longer. We let him do things that help....read "junk". Type rather than write. do many things orally. (and I read to him more) but we still expect him to work on it, and to work at an ever increasing level. It isn't fair. but there it is.
Just my .02 on the subject and I'm not even close to being an expert but am a mom to a 12 year old with Aspergers so I know about reluctance to do things, anxiety, social awkwardness, etc.... We started out with the "we have to take him to someone (a professional) he's so different, so weird how can we handle it? We started out that way because nearly EVERY article I read gave that advice. It's NOT bad advice at all but IMHO it is not always necessary. Long story short, we went to an expert and dutifully followed some of the recommendations but watched our son not get dramatically "better or worse", we basically watched him grow out of things that would previously keep us up at night, we watched him learn how to do things on his own (with lots of patience and practice) and we realized that our son is fine. He can sometimes be different and want to to things differently than the "typical" world expects but ..so what? It may help you to, rather than focusing on all your son's "problems", examine your expectations for him. We all probably want and expect our kid to be the one who can enter a room and just be social and find some kids to talk to and just go have fun-it would ease OUR OWN anxiety wouldn't it? We all want our kid to do activities, hobbies, or experience things that WE know he would enjoy but sometimes they don't want to. There are so many things that I think my son would enjoy but that is not taking into consideration what my son wants and needs. On the other hand, I do believe you need to sometimes push them beyond their comfort level but also know when it's time to quit pushing and try something else. I believe that it's really hard to not want to fit your child into a place that WE think they would enjoy or excel at and then when they don't...it's a problem. It's not a problem it's an expectation problem (IMHO). Your son is most likely picking up on your anxiety and that could be causing problems too. Like I said, I'm no expert and maybe a professional can provide some insight but it may be that you can give your son some space and time to be who he is without the pressure to do things he is not ready to do. I speak from experience on that -my son can, at 12, do things now that we tried to do 3 years ago - 3 years! yes it took that long. Good Luck Jane
Hi there, I'm Elisabeth and I'm new here. This sounds like anxiety to me- a lot of times the children will hide behind "it's too boring" or whatever they find works to get out of it. If it doesn't lead to weeping horrified panic, I'd say push. If it DOES lead to panic, I'd have testing done.
If you know other homeschoolers in the area, you can ask them for suggestions of "homeschool friendly" docs, therapists, etc. When we had our DD tested for learning issues/ADD, we were fortunate to go to a Christian counseling center and psychologists that were very homeschool friendly...actually her test facilitator had been homeschooled her self thru 8th grade (which made DD feel very comfortable with her even though they hadn't met ahead of time...probably also helped that she was a girl in her mid-20s versus the 40s male psychologist...lol).
first thoughts are that this is an 8 yr old boy. they tend to be emotional and irrational at times, they grow out of it into , well emotionally stiffled young men if we work at it, but I let mine be, I think a bit of emotion is good for growth. I think also that an 8 yr old should not have to feel responsible for making other people feel good, sorry if I ruffle some feathers there, I am not a phsycologist or anything, just a mom who is raising two pretty good boys herself. I would not worry too much, I would just let him be a little boy for a while, someday he will be big and responsible for enough stuff. Relax, and dont worry so much, take a breather and give your little boy some hugs.
