So confused....

Discussion in 'Other Conversation' started by Minthia, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. Minthia

    Minthia Active Member

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    Ok, I am not one to really share the details of my marriage but you all have been so excepting that I feel like I can here. This is a long post and it involves our intimacy so if you don't want to read I understand.

    My dh and I have been married 10 1/2 years and for the most part I thought it had been a happy marriage. We had our problems in the first few years but after that I thought we were doing fine. And yes we have our disagreements, but I thought we always talked them through and worked out a compromise.

    Over the last few months my dh has seemed to becoming more and more distant and he makes me feel super guilty for not wanting to be intimate with him every single day...he asks for it from the time he gets home until after I am in bed and he is not nice about it. He used to come up to me and put his arms around me and kiss me and show me affection which would lead to you know what. Lately he just stands there and harrasses me about it. He hardly touches me anymore. He knows that I am busy and can't always drop what I am doing, plus I feel like I have been harrassed by him all day that I don't feel like being close to him.

    This morning as he was getting ready for work he asked why I don't love him. I was quite shocked that he would think that! He said that he has never been able to talk to me our whole marriage and that every time we talk I always make it into an argument so that I don't have to talk about whatever he wanted to talk about. I am so confused! I have no idea what he is talking about! The only issue that I really argue with him (and it is only lately) is when he brings up our intimacy. That is becuase he is relentless about it lately and it is really starting to bother me.

    He has kissed me goodbye when he leaves for work everyday of our marriage even when he left on uneasy terms and knew I was upset with him. This morning he left without even saying goodbye or kissing me. That is a first. He has never ever done that. I don't even know what I did that sparked this. Was it me not giving in to him everytime he asked for us to be intimate?? There has to be compromises even in that area...which there has been for 10 1/2 years. Is he cheating on me? I guess I am just looking for support form you guys and advice based on your own experiences.

    Sorry this was so long.
     
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  3. ABall

    ABall Super Moderator

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    make a date night. A night for talking, and romance. tell him you've noticed he has changed in his way of showing intamacy and its been bothering you, not that you don't love him just that you appreciate the way he used to show he was interested compared to his super agresive way he has been lately. Assess your own ways, are you decreasing your level of intamacy because you are tired or stressed. Let him know why you may have changed.....
     
  4. seekingmyLord

    seekingmyLord Active Member

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    My thoughts....if it is affordable to you, get someone to watch your children and get a hotel room for one day if not the entire weekend, so you will have plenty of time to "talk" in each other's love language.
     
  5. dalynnrmc

    dalynnrmc New Member

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    Have either of you read Gary Chapman's book "The 5 Love Languages"?

    It sounds like his love language - what he needs from you in order for him to understand that you love him - might be physical touch.

    So is mine, and my hubby is one who can "do without" for much longer than my sanity allows.


    I suggest you both read that book, and then talk about it. If indeed his language is physical touch, understand that it's something he needs to know in his HEART that you love him. (And physical touch includes much more than the full act of making love. SO much more.)

    Since reading this book, and discovering his OWN love language, I have seen leaps and bounds of improvement from my hubby on making sure I get what I need to FEEL loved. Yes, I always know in my head that he loves me, but sometimes I don't FEEL like it. When he goes for weeks denying me his physical body, I feel like he must be mad at me. It really, really hurts, to the point that I have bawled myself to sleep many, many times during our 8 year marriage over it.

    And not only that, since he's let me know HIS love language, I now understand why a clean house is so important to him. Service is his language, and he only is able to feel my love when I do things for him - the end result of which is often a clean household. (And housework is the one thing I truly hate doing. LOL It's just as hard for me to make sure I get the dishes done every day and the living room picked up as it is for him to make an effort to touch me more often and make love-making a priority.)


    I really believe in the messages in this book, and it is 100% from a Christian perspective. I'm quite sure your library will have it - please read it! I'm sure he'll read it if you let him know that you're trying to figure out why he needs the things he needs so much, and trying to understand so that you can be in a place where you're ready to give him those things. (Wow, that sounded odd... but you can use better wordage with him. LOL)


    Anyway, as one on the opposite end of the pole here, I totally understand his end of it. Feel free to shoot me a message if you'd like to chat more. :)


    And hugs to and prayers for you!!
     
  6. rhi

    rhi New Member

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    Most men see intimacy as proving you love them, for some men it's more physical than verbal. I agree, you need to make an effort to have a date night and show him how you'd like to uh...well, be romanced or whatever it is your seeking as well. If you feel that he's harassing you over the wild tango than he may feel like your shutting him out, sitting down and having a good talk with out getting angry or being defensive about the situation and why you have your excuses is what he probably needs to understand. I have had this happen between me and my dh before, I never looked at it as not loving him it was more like not interested or as you said doing something. I learned that even if I put whatever I was doing and came back to it later just to give him some of my time, even if it wasn't the wild tango really helped us bond again. But that's just my personal experience. So, I hope that you can come to terms with your dh.
     
  7. mandiana

    mandiana New Member

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    I have to second "The 5 Love Languages". It's a fantastic book and quick read. Also, I think you should drop everything sometimes when he asks for sex. Maybe you could start dropping everything when he gets home for an hour before picking anything back up again. Surprise him and start tonight! Just try it for one night and see how it goes.

    Also, start telling him that you love him in creative ways. Sneak a love note into his jacket, or lunch, or sock drawer. Call him in the middle of the day once a week just to tell him you were thinking about how much you appreciate him.

    You'll probably have to give him extra attention for a little while until he feels secure in your love for him. Just over do it for a little bit.
     
  8. shelby

    shelby New Member

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    I agree with the others about getting that book "the 5 love languages" If you can't find one pm me and I will send you mine.
    I have done little things to show how much I love my hubby by writing letters to him, and leaving them on the table to find, when he came home from working nights and I was still sleeping. He started writing love notes back to be, It is what helped us through a time when we did not get to see and spend time with each other. Find your own way to show him that you love him.
    hang in there, we are praying for you
     
  9. Minthia

    Minthia Active Member

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    You all have no idea how helpful you have been! I could just cry because I finally have friends that are not judgmental and accept me for who I am even with all my flaws!! :D

    I looked up the book that has been suggested and I went ahead and bought it online. It should get here in a few days but until then, I will make sure to show him how much I love him by doing small things...like, dropping the dishes and housework and spending time with him when he gets home. I know he likes a clean house, and he is so good about understanding that sometimes it has to be messy with 5 kids running around but I think I will make sure the house is clean and dinner is ready tonight just so he really knows I do love him!

    Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!! You are all AWESOME!
     
  10. sixcloar

    sixcloar New Member

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    Minthia,
    I have a friend who's dh really liked the house to be decent whe he got home. She planned a 15 minute pick-up just before dad was due to arrive home. Everyone had a task to complete and by working together, it got done.

    I do think a night away would be good for you, if you could do it. Also, I've heard that scheduling a night for intimacy gives the woman a chance to prepare for it and the man a chance at an evening (or whenever) that he can look forward to. Haven't tried it, but I've heard it works!
     
  11. ABall

    ABall Super Moderator

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    I have another book to suggest, its an old one that I'm sure has many new coppies since I bought mine well over 12 years ago. ITs called 1001 ways to be romantic.

    there are so many good ideas in that book (just check it out at the library if you don't want to buy it). Anyway one of the suggestions was to wrate a little love note every day............ and guess what I do it........ almost with out fail I put a little note in my husband's lunch box. He gets sad when I forget or thinks i'm mad at him OR KNOWS I"M MAD AT A HIM if I don't put one in. I don't write too much, some times a silly poem sometimes its a comic clipping from the Sunday paper funnies, sometimes I just draw a smile face with a wink. ........... when I first started I drew two hearts....... then when I got pregnant it had two hearts with a tiny heart inside one of them..... then we found out we were having twins and I drew 2 tiny hearts inside one of the 2 bigger hearts, then we got the cat... 2 big hearts and 2 little hearts and a small heart with whiskers........my husband had so many notes in his tool box at work he brought them home after a while and I made a huge scrapbook with them and cronicled them (the best ones) by the amount of hearts on the card ------ I used to only use index cards but now its any scrap paper I find.

    the book has tons of other ideas. from very expensive to no cost!!
     
  12. ABall

    ABall Super Moderator

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    WE KIND OF DO THAT TOO...... IF WE CLEAN THE HOUSE EARLY IN THE DAY ITS NOT TIDY WHEN DH COMES HOME. :roll:
     
  13. ariekannairb

    ariekannairb New Member

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    Another book suggestion is Sheet Music. It gives you a great insight into why men generally need so much physical touch. It totally changed my perspective on why my DH constantly asked me for intimacy.
     
  14. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    I felt the way you do, and then I read "the Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband." It really helped. I am not sure if it will help you, but it is worth looking at. Your local library or used book store might have it.
     
  15. momofafew

    momofafew New Member

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    I want to add that for men, physical is how they show their emotions. Just look at little children play. The girls often spend tons of time talking to each other and the boys will tackle each other. That is not 100% rule, but you get the idea. Now that we are adults, we still have the same feelings, but we express them different. For men, they show love through sex. Ok, they have fun too. And there is a physical need too. I no longer take offense to my husband's frequent needs. And because I understand in a much nicer way where these needs come from and why, I let him have what he wants/needs usually. Bu read the book and you will get the idea.
     
  16. WIMom

    WIMom New Member

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    It sounds like you guys need a night or two alone. Maybe you can figure out a way to talk to each other and without getting mad. Maybe you could have some time to be intimate too.

    I'll send you a PM about some other stuff. My hubby and I have been talking a lot lately and we have been more intimate lately than in the past. We let life get in the way of our relationship and it has suffered. We've been married for 12 years and have known each other for 17 yrs.
     
  17. MamaBear

    MamaBear New Member

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    Didn't read the other responses, here are my thoughts....

    It sounds like you two have a lack of communication. Sometimes in a marriage we build walls that we don't even realize we have built them because over time they go up so slowly.

    My dh and I had done that some years back and we both had to meet in the middle and just lay it all out on the table. When we talked about it, it wasnt just talking for one evening, it took days to get it all out.

    Be sure to use words like, "I feel". Starting out a sentence with "you" can make the other person feel defensive.

    Let him know that you miss his intimacy and his gentle approach he used to have for doing the "wild thang". Sometimes men feel like if the soft approach isnt working they can turn into a cave man and act like they have a right to drag you off by the hair to "get some".

    Make hotel reservations for the two of you and work on your relationship. As moms we feel the need to be Super Mom, Wife and Woman and forget about basic things like caring for ourselves and our relationships. You can do it all.

    ((((Huggs))))


     
  18. KrisRV

    KrisRV New Member

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    I agree with what all was said. Take a night or two away if you can't now if you can't, put the children to bed early a couple of nights and have some time with dh and forget about the house work and things. It will be there tomorrow. Make him center of your attention and get it all out.
     
  19. Minthia

    Minthia Active Member

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    I just wanted to update all of you. Last night my dh and I sat and talked for a long long time. We are not completely done talking...I am sure it will take days. :) BUT we both have agreed to get away from the kids...this weekend my in-laws are taking the kids for a night. And we have talked about what he needs from me and what I need from him. He was so excited to think that we could be intimate again without me having all these negative feelings towards him because of him harrassing me about it. I didn't fully realize that he needs my touch to feel loved. I thought that a clean house and dinner ready should have been all he needed...now I know different. Things are looking better! Thank you to everyone who has given their advice. I couldn't have figured this out without you!!!
     
  20. Jackie

    Jackie Active Member

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    I just came across this. Sounds as if you've made a great start to get things back on track!!! Am glad he was willing to talk to you and hear you out; that says so much about how he is committed to you and the kids! Hang in there!!!
     
  21. mandiana

    mandiana New Member

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    That's wonderful! :D
     

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