Ok, as you know, my older children started the year in public school and it was a nightmare for both. My son was pretty used to it, as he had been in public school most of his schooling career. But my daughter had been homeschooled for several years prior to this so she is still feeling the injustice. My daughter keeps talking about it. She is 13.5 yrs old. I hear multiple times a day how awful this person was or that class was or what this or that teacher did. Frankly, I am already stressed over how much I hate them for what they have done, but I want to move on and it is hard when she keeps bringing it up. However, I am her mother and it is my job to care for her and I wonder if she just needs to get it out and sort out what went on there, or if she needs to be told no more, she needs to move forward. Which would be the better approach here?
If it were my daughter, I think I might just pick a place and time, and when she brings it up, just sit down with her and ask her straight out: Okay, what's your deal with this? I'm getting tired of hearing about it over and over, so please can you just say what it is and be done? Then just listen. Try to respond with things like "what I'm hearing is..." and reflect back what you think she's really saying (not the words, but the feelings). Put everything else aside for a time, and just listen and let her talk and know that she's really being heard. Maybe when she's really DONE talking about it, knowing that you're really hearing what she's saying, you care, and you want to hear EVERYthing she's saying, then she'll really be done-done. And won't have to keep bringing it up all the time. There must be something she's trying so hard to say but can't really get it out in a way she's sure you really understand. Maybe there's something she's trying hard NOT to say about it, so she just keeps on talking about the same thing to avoid the real thing. It may take some time. Couple of hours, maybe longer, maybe not so long. I'm not saying that you don't already have intense emotional talks with her, but for this topic, try really extra hard to pull more and more information and emotional content out about whatever it is that's really bothering her. Kind of like lancing a boil - gotta get out the core....
I would let her have her say but I can relate how you're getting sick of it. Maybe it was an expereince that she just can't understand right now - especially if it was so negative. I think Lindina is right - there is something she can't articulate and maybe if she figures out the right way to say she will understand it better. Maybe she feels like the reason it didn't work out was her fault and she's trying to establish blame on the others. Not that I'm saying it was her fault - far from it. But there have been times in my own life when I have "failed" at something - or quit something - and it weighs heavily on my conscious. She might be experiencing the same thing so she wants to make sure the people at the school are firmly to blame. I don't know the situation but maybe all she needs to hear is that it was OK for her to have a bad experience and it doesn't mean she did something wrong or was at fault, not all things in life make sense, some people are cruel jerks and we can't change that, and yes, it is now time to look to the future (because the only thing we can change is ourselves!)
Maybe a little bit of both. Like the other ladies I think letting her talk it out would be good for her. However she needs to know it is bugging you that she keeps bringing it up. So how about letting her vent and then in a caring way let her know how you feel about the situation and that she needs to move on and not let it occupy her mind anymore. She would be much happier if she could do this. Good luck teens are complicated, and in the metamorphosis of child to adult so be gentle, understanding and firm all at once!!!
You may need to gently tell her that you cannot let her talk about it "right now" because we have to do ....... But so that she knows you care about her emotional struggle in it let her know at what set time you can listen to her concerns and let her vent. But I would talk about letting go and forgiving those that offended her and if you are a christian (sorry, I'm new here and do not know everyone yet ) lead her to pray about the situation. Talk to her about other ways she can vent her stress about this such as going for a vigorous walk or writing her frustrations down on paper and then throwing the paper away. But I would be careful about trying to just silence her because it's important that our children know they can come to us with their struggles and this is a great opportunity to help her learn to cope with stress. I wanted to add, I would be tired of hearing the complaints too because it creates an atmosphere of unhappiness and stress for everyone and makes it hard to focus on the things you need to be getting done. So I just wanted to let you know if it were happening at my house I would probably be pulling my hair out asking others what they would do about it. My youngest dd tends to bottle things up and not say anything so I have the issue of wondering if I am giving her enough input about things she is going through since we generally have to encourage her to tell us things.
It's always going to be a part of the kids' lives. Let them discuss it, at least they talk to you, if you tell them not to talk about it you might start the cut off of other dialect on other topics.
I would let her talk about it, if she brings it up. If you keep shutting her down she wouldn't come to you again. It doesn't take that long to listen to what she has to say.
I wouldn't discourage my child from feeling like he or she can approach me about anything. You are blessed that your child feels comfortable talking to you about it.
Maybe she could write about it? If she really needs to express how it makes her feel. By writing it she could still get her feelings out but you would not have to "hear" it all the time. By reading what she writes about, it might help you come to some ideas that you don't "hear" her say.
It is all day long and constant references. I hear more about it now that she is home than when she went. She is a child who will talk on and on and on about something, sometimes, I think to just talk. In the begining, I thought she just needed to get things out. But by this point, it is just constant complaining and public school is just a constant constant part of our lives now. I am starting to feel like she just wants to say something, as she likes to talk, and doesn't have anything else to talk about or something. She has physically left that place, but emotionally, she is stuck there. I think it is a bad habit she is in and needs to get out of.
Some people need to talk to think. My husband and two of my daughters are all like that. It can get annoying sometimes. Does she have any homeschooling or other friends she can talk to? Maybe she needs something new to think about. Would it be possible to have her get involved in some new activity with other people she can talk to?
I would expand on the writing idea, by having her write all her thoughts down, and when she is sure she's thought of everything, then sit with her and read it and talk about it. Then explain that to constantly let it bug her is a bad habit and it makes it harder for all of you to move on, so let her burn her writing, as a symbol that it's over, and we aren't going to dwell any further on it. I would also acknowledge how much you appreciate the fact that she loves you and feels comfortable about talking to you, and that you want her to always come to you to talk. Maybe even write your feelings down as well for her to read and then burn them together? Something I might try
This is just an example I am sharing that I experience lately. My youngest ds had to travel five hours away for training at work. Why in the world they schedule training in the winter months on bad roads I will never know. Anyway, he was gone for several days and I missed him so much. I kept thinking that I just wanted to hear his voice and his goofing laugh. It was a hard few days. He got home just in time, we woke up to 8" of snow. Anyway, I LOVE that my ds is chatty and I would miss it if he wasn't. Just sharing my perspective. (((( ))))
Thanks for the reminder! My daughter has picked out colleges that are a long ways away. Hopefully, I can keep this in mind that in just 4 yrs, I will be begging for the sound of her voice.
