Actually, I think the study can possibly be useful. Of course, bullies should be held accountable for their actions, regardless. NOTHING excuses their bullying. But at the same time, it would be helpful to teach a bullied child how to reduce the risk of his being bullied.
I think this is very helpful. It isn't that being bullied is the kids fault. But that low social standing is what makes kids vulnerable and helping them increase thier social standing is a viable solution (or one of...) I don't think you have to "learn how to get bullied" in middle school to be successful, and that age is so awkward that I am fine with the idea that my middleschooler isn't getting all that "socializing" When he has a bit more impulse control and maturity, he will be able to handly rotten people better, and also has less chance of BEING a bully. Because they can switch roles pretty quickly. (although as mothers we don't want to see that.) We have definitely talked to Jazz about his mouth. He tries to be funny and it comes out mean. Which causes two things...one he is, by being mean a "bully" himself and then the children don't like him and tease him. there ya go. SO we are trying to work on him about being negative and mean...that if your joke is on yourself...that is so much funnier and little risk of hurting someones feelings. (Payton Manning's commercials)
I won't ever believe that being bullied is the fault of the bullied. The bully will bully regardless. But, I think the bully has a lot of people to chose from and will go for certain people. Some bullies are so bad they go for everyone.
I know a prime example of why this is a good article. There is a girl Sam has to ride to and from school with. Her mother, father, grandmother and I take turns doing the driving so neither has to ride the bus. Samantha does not like this girl and frankly neither do I or my husband. I like the adults in the family but they have never taught this girl how to act. Almost everyday she gets picked on and yes it is her fault. I've spent enough time around her to know. She fakes injuries so she can walk on crutches she doesn't need because she thinks it makes her look cool. Some girls told the dance teacher she was running through the dressing run like nothing was wrong so why should she miss dance and walk on crutches. She lies all the time and the other kids know it and call her out on it. Some big lies and some small but always to try and make herself look important. She invites herself into conversations she isn't a part of or invites herself to people's homes. She follows girls around and makes snide comments to them while following them everywhere. She is 12 and really short so she wears (yes her mother allows it - I think it is nuts) high heels and push up bras to school. Now sorry but a kid like that is jus asking for trouble. Teen girls are not going to put up with someone so annoyingly needy and begging for attention. It is just a fact and if the parents would attempt to teach her that she wouldn't get picked on the way she does. Samantha and her friends have tried to be subtle but now they are very blunt with her because she doesn't get it at all. Last week at an afterschool practice I was at I saw this girl really being an annoying pain to some other girls including Sam. One finally said "what do you not get? we do not like you at all. You are annoying and a liar so go away and leave us alone!" That may sound mean but the kid does not get it. So yes parents do need to teach their kids how to act in social situations so they don't get picked on. That isn't always going to work because sometimes kids are just bullies and mean to be mean and in that case it is a different situation.
I think you are missing the point. The article isn't talking about kids who do not know how to act in social situations and that is why they are bullied. Not just a mean kid harrassing everyone. I promise my dd13 is no bully but the other child I refered to in my previous post DOES bring in on herself to the point where other girls, normally very sweet girls, get sick of it. That is different. That child needs to be taught how to act and how not to act.
I understand, Tiffany. Yes, she needs to be taught social skills. I understand why the girls are blunt with her, but that's not the same as bullying. I feel telling her off when she's out of line is very acceptable. But NOT picking on her or beating up on her or making her the brunt of mean jokes. Regardless of how out of line the girl is, the other girls are responsible for their response toward her. (And I'm not saying Sam and her friends are doing that; there's nothing you said that would indicate they are! Just talking in general!)
I don't think it's saying really that it's the KID'S fault really - but that there is an underlying PROBLEM that NEEDS to be addressed. If you are a "book worm" type person - you might not ever notice how people react to things because you are used to reading in words how they felt..... Of course I think it's rude to "toe tap" as it is...... but that's just me One line did stick out for me though " However, having just one or two friends can be enough to give a child the social practice he or she needs, he said." - See being in public school is NOT what people think for the evil "s" word Of course I have decided "phone etiquette" really needs to be addressed - my son's friend has been labeled mean because he honestly said "No I don't want to go" and hung up - no good bye or anything leaving my son literally hanging there on the phone
I think the article has some good points. People with little social skills do tend to be ostracized and picked on. Parents should be teaching children these social skills. However, how many of those social skills start when a child is young? Teaching how to share, how to take turns, do not say hurtful things, talk politely, etc. It starts at a young age and as the child grows and mature, you teach them and show them how to act and treat others. It goes the same with bullies- bullies are people who have learned a different set of social skills- the skills to be mean and pick on others. It is not all one "type" of persons fault but it does go along with what kind of behavior the parents expects, taught and modeled for the child.
Oh - Tiff.... I know ADULTS who act like that...and one is my good friend (the other 1/2 of my family right now with the foster kids).... What's sad is her eldest daughter does the same thing now. I really don't even like asking her how she is because it ALWAYS starts with a HUGE sigh and then a long story. Then she spends her time telling everyone what to do instead of just doing it herself. So it's NOT just kids They apparently grow up to be the same way.
I am in total agreement that bullying is different that what I believe that article was addressing. No Sam and her friend certainly do not bully her but they do bluntly tell her off when she needs to be told off. I think of bullying as something different. Just being outright mean and nasty to someone just for the sake of being mean and nasty.
I'll be honest, I only skimmed the article. But my Yahoo front page had the article labeled "Why some kids get bullied." It irked me because that says, "you're bringing this on yourself." I agree that being put in your place by your peers is different than bullying. Bullies will bully regardless of how the target acts (though some kids may have a bigger bull's eye than others).
Bullies are going to be bullies regardless of anyone elses behavior. I remember a girl in Jr. High that was bullied by another girl simply because she was a weak and awkward girl. She had a congenital heart disease and just did not feel well most of the time and wasn't very coordinated or physically attractive. I took up for her and ran that bully off.Sadly, the girl with the congenital heart disease died the summer before 9th grade. The bully was just a mean brat that had probably been bullied herself at home. The bully lived on the same street as I did and had a rough family.
i agree with this article and sort of disagree with some of you. i was bullied a lot of my life and it was because i was something of a social reject. i didnt understand people and why they did a lot of the things they did and i didnt get that people teasing really didnt mean anything by it. Almost everyone is a bully to social rejects in a way. a lot of people don't come out and say mean and nasty things right to the person's face, but just by human nature they'll talk behind the person's back and they'll give them disapproving looks that make them feel like ****. If you don't know how to react in social situations then you can become a reject pretty fast and after that it feels like everyone is out to get you. Also, real bullies tend to only go after those people. it hurts their social standing if they go after other people so they don't do it, and they aren't bad at all to hang out with once you understand how to react in social situations but they really are and intend to be bullies to people who don't. the bullies that i wouldnt call 'real' bullies tend to be bullies because they feel like everyone is constantly out to get them so their defensive reaction is to fight back, which makes people not pick on them so much. i havent been one of those people because i was always adamantly taught 'love thy neighbor' but i've been friends with those people and after i figured out how to act around people and saw things from a normal person's perspective and my old one it wasn't hard to see what was going on. things that people say to people who are used to being constantly bullied make people think that they're being bullied when really the people just say things like that to everyone, & the people get defensive because some people really ARE bullying them and almost everyone else just goes along with it so the people think they're being bullied by everyone. it's REALLY common
