hiatus I'm going to have to take another hiatus from this board. Hubby found out I was typing about our marriage and he is very upset! :cry: Please pray for us!
little update Hi All, Your continued prayers are greatly appreciated. Yesterday I went to see someone (the pastor from my church) to talk about my issues. It was just me, so not marriage counseling. The meeting went ok. My pastor recommended that I go see a mental health professional and he's hoping that will lead to marriage counseling with this particular counselor. At least my pastor prayed for me and gave me some general tips/guidance. For some reason I felt worse after going than I did before. Is that normal? I doubt it. I struggled today. Also, my grandmother passed away this past weekend. Please pray for me and my family. Thank you! oh ya...please don't send private messages because my husband will get upset that I'm on this board again.
I have seen a counselor and have met with our pastor before in the past. I did not feel worse when I left. I think that would be a red flag for me. Also a red flag would go up if my dh told me I couldn't post on a legitimate forum that encouraged me and helped me. Why should he see that as a threat? Or maybe I misunderstood that... Some insurance companies will not cover counseling unless you have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, that usually includes depression. Maybe that is why he is suggesting you go. Once you have a diagnosis-then what? That could affect insurance coverage for you in the future, could affect you being able to get a job, maybe? or cause you to be 'unfit' to work with children or own a firearm or? who knows what else. If you ended up in a divorce situation, could they turn around and say you are unfit to have your kids because of your 'visit' to a mental clinic? Now with that said, if you truly feel that you do need to see a mental health professional then by all means, yes go. There is no shame in that, I am just saying think twice about doing it for unnecessary reasons, like an insurance or paperwork issue or whatever. With your grandmother passing, it could very well be that you wouldn't feel any better after your first visit anyway. I suppose everyone reacts differently. I hope your husband will go with you for counseling together if that is what you are needing. :love:
WIMom,so very sorry for the loss of your Grandmother. You have been and will continue to be in my prayers. LucyRicardo
Praying for youm, hon. So sorry about the loss of your grandmother. Just so much you're having to go through right now. Some pastors just aren't counselors, while others are great ones. Apparently yours doesn't feel he's one of the great ones. Some Christian counseling services/agencies are wonderful, so I'm wondering if this place the pastor wanted you to go to is one of those?
Thank you ladies for your continued thoughts and prayers. peanutsweet-I have recognized those red flags already and I have thought twice (probably more) about the things you mentioned about counseling. Those are some of the reasons why I haven't gone. That's why I went to my pastor first. I'm at a breaking point though and I think I need the help more than possible reasons why I shouldn't go. Oh ya....dh did go to a counseling session with a pastor from a different church. Dh said he felt a sense of relief after talking and he came home with the movie "Fireproof". We still haven't watched it, but I know some ladies on here recommended it to me. Thank you all!
Oh, yes, watch FIREPROOF! And do the Love Dare, too!!! Also, he has told you that he's not happy with you posting here. May I suggest that you need to respect that right now and stay off a bit? I'm so glad you did so we know what's up, but I think right now you need to be especially sensitive to how he feels.
FIREPROOF is an awesome movie, I really liked it. There is also a book I think that goes with the movie, sort of a journal or something? Maybe someone else will know about that. On another note, have you considered seeing a counselor paying for it yourself privately so that none of it would come up late on health records? maybe I guess I am saying that if you chose your own provider, and paid them yourself without filing anything with insurance, no one would have access to your records in the future unless you disclosed that information yourself. I would talk to the secretary or whoever is in charge when you make your apt and ask all kinds of questions. The other thing is, I like to take a notepad and write down stuff when I go, that way I can remember better and have my notes for reference later.
update as of 5/4/10 My husband doesn't care anymore if I update you all, so I'm going to now. I started therapy with the person my pastor suggested. I've only had one session so far. It was freeing to tell her all my problems! I just don't have solutions to those yet. I thought my hubby and I made a break through in our relationship on Friday. Friday and Saturday I thought I was getting my life and marriage back together. For some reason on Sunday morning I started feeling this gut feeling that I've had on and off for 6 months now. It was the something is "off" feeling and the I don't know if my hubby is being 100% truthful about things. Monday morning I confronted hubby about an instant message thing he was doing, a new e-mail address and the phone numbers on his phone. He confessed that he has been talking with "her" and hasn't stopped. He considers her a friend....he just hasn't sent her anymore "dirty" e-mails. He said that's what he meant he was going to stop back in November (just the graphic e-mails). He claims he never intended to stop being friends with her. What's weird is that until hubby told a guy that he works with about this woman (who happens to be her brother-in-law-all very complicated it seems) he's been e-mailing, hubby seemed torn between her and me. I've felt it for many months now. My gut said I was still in competition with someone else, but I was trying to hide my head in the sand. Anyway, this guy that hubby talked to said that this particular woman has issues and she is the type that lours men in and plays with peoples' minds. She plays with people and my husband hasn't been the only one. Hubby got advice from this man to cut off all contact with her. My hubby must have been hurt to find out that he isn't the only one for her, but oh well. Hubby said he has cut off communication with her. Do I believe him? Nope. So Friday and Saturday dh turned all of his attention to me and just started rediscovering me for 2 days. It felt wonderful for a bit. I'm just scared that I can't believe anything he says or does. Lately, I've been trying to work on myself. I have been going on walks, not eating as much junk food, taking my vitamins, reading my Bible, writing in my journal, going to church women support groups and my community groups and discussions. I'm looking forward to therapy this week too! My kids are realizing that all is not rosy with our family lately. We've tried to shield them, but not hard enough lately. My 9y.o. homeschooled son is withdrawing a bit and talking about aches, pains and sores. My daughter is throwing tantrums not wanting to go to school and very clingy toward me. The guidance counselor was called in yesterday to talk with her. The teacher called me to check on things were at home. People are wondering what is going on with us at home. My family knows now (my hubby told them) and many of our friends know too. I feel horrible. I just don't know what to do or where to go. I'm trying to remain calm and confident, but inside I feel so chaotic!
Would you mind if I add a few observations from a man's perspective? 1) It's not easy for a man to say sorry. At least, it's not easy for me and a few others I know. When your husband sent you the nasty email and acted that evening as if nothing happened, the missing piece of the puzzle was "I'm sorry." I faced this just a few days ago. My wife and I disagreed about something that I thought was trivial. Although I 'hated' doing so, I had to go back to her later and apologize for being a jerk. If only I'd not been so belligerent at the time, but that's how some men are, I guess. So, if your husband does apologize for something, do make a big deal of it because it actually takes courage. 2) I remember participating in a bible study several years ago during which it was mentioned that men around 40 seem to go through a crisis of identity. It's during these few years that many men go off the rails, want to be sure other women find them attractive, and conduct stupid affairs. Given the number of marriages on our street that went south when men reached that age, I'd say the evidence supports the proposition. The point here is that men need to feel special too, not just their wives. True love is unconditional, so don't wait for your husband to treat you special before you treat him special. He will notice, I promise you. 3) I can understand your husband feeling awkward when you post here about the situation. Again, it's a matter of the male ego. We like to convey the image that, while other men may have problems, we don't. When word gets out that we're having potential marriage problems, we can feel a bit of a failure. True, we are a bit of a failure based on our own selfish actions - but it takes on a whole new dimension when others know. My suggestion here is to resolve things privately and involve only those who need to be involved. 4) In the end, the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. The lady of the texts may seem attractive on the surface, but she'll seem quite different when her real self comes to the fore. By speaking with her bil, maybe your husband has found this out already - rather like being hit by a 2x4 before walking off a cliff. Be forgiving and understanding, and you'll be emphasizing just how much he has that's good right now. 5) No marriage is perfect, and we all have (and cause) problems. In the end, though, you are there for each other and you have beautiful children who need you. Don't give up. At some point, the clouds of doubt will clear, and you'll both realize that this was just another challenge to get through together. Every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and you'll be stronger for it. Looking back in a year or two's time, things will look quite different. Just one man's viewpoint, but I hope it helps.
Thank you Beth and Steve! I have so much anger right now. I know I need to get rid of that. I need God more than ever! I am going to take care of myself and my children. I'm not quite sure if I am in love with my husband anymore. I have been lied to and belittled too many times. Thank you for the Man's point of view, Steve. That does explain somethings. Yep, my hubby will be 39 on Sunday, so he is going through something.
I know others might jump in here and slam what I am about to say into the ground, but I hope it encourages you the way it is intended. I have a close friend who had a husband who had multiple, physical affairs. When she found out about the first one, she began to pray for the other woman. In the end, her husband left for good, but the other woman came to repentence and accepted Jesus as her Savior. It is not always an easy thing we are called to do. The Lord knows that in your weakness He is strong. Bless those who curse us. Pray for our enemies. It takes more of a woman to do that than to let anger take you over. I'll be praying for you and your husband...and for the woman who is in desparate need of a Savior. (((hugs))))
I had a huge post typed, but I decided to delete it. The thing you need most right now is prayer. Nothing I or anyone else says will truly help if there is not prayer involved...so, just know you are in my prayers. I feel sad for you right now because I can understand how hurt, angry, betrayed, and crushed you must feel. To top it off, your husband who is suppose to protect your family, has betrayed you. I pray that you will find peace, and that your husband will find remorse. A marriage takes two to work, working together with Christ in the center. Many prayers to you. ((((HUG))))
Praying for you, your husband, and your children. Hope things improve quickly. A thought which I don't think has been expressed. Your children will thrive best with a happy mother and father. I tell myself this often especially when I feel like brooding for days over something selfish that my darling husband did or didn't do. Not that I ever do anything selfish, at least my husband doesn't bring it to my attention . I may not feel like putting on a happy face for my husband if I am really angry, but I will put on that happy face for my children. Ignoring issues is not good either. I am not saying that putting on a happy face is ignoring an issue. You should discuss issues that really bother you.
Thank you all for the prayers and advice! Even though my husband left last night and said he was staying at his father's house, I'm going to have to suck it up today and try to get him back home if I want to save our marriage, I think. I'm numb today and was yesterday too, but one of my friends advised me to get out of the numbness and try...really try...to save my marriage. She's right. I'm going to have to fight for it today. Prayers are still needed! Thank you!
