We're at our wit's end. Our 8-yr old boy is a homeschool angel. Pays attention, is cooperative, and genuinely learns. Our 10-yr old is the exact opposite. He won't pay attention, drags things on, and is disruptive when our 8-yr old is getting attention. Now he has started destructive tantrums and bullying his brother. Any thoughts, resources, or advice before we put him back in public school?
I feel your pain. I have a 10 yr old step-son that is just completely against everything I say. He argues about every little thing. I am at my wits end. Not sure what to tell you I am still trying to figure out what to do with him.
I don't know if this is the case with your son, but with my strong willed son the more room I give him, the worse he gets. He needs consistency and firmness. Just the other day I got fed up and tightened up on him. These are the rules and consequences that we have for disobedience. I've been keeping them at the table so he knows exactly what will happen when he starts misbehaving. 1. Come to school with a good attitude or you will be sent to your room until your attitude changes. -This one only works because he knows he is allowed to do NOTHING until school is complete. 2. Do not bring toys to the school table or you will lose them for a day. 3. No yelling or you will have to do your work alone in your room. 4. Do your best or you will have to redo your work. 5. My time is valuable - don't waste it! When I am teaching, look at me and listen or you will do extra chores for me after school. (They know that when they waste my time I have less time to do my work, so they have to help with my work on top of their own) I wish he were the kind of child to self regulate like my other son, but he just isn't, so until he grows into more self control, I've just learned that I can't ease up. The thing that keeps me from putting him in public school is that I know him well enough to know he'd be worse there and probably wouldn't learn much.
I'll be watching this thread as we haven't started homeschooling yet (my son will finish out public prek this year in May then be homeschooled) but I do know my child well enough to know this might be an issue for us.
I agree with this. My oldest is very unwilling to do school and throws huge fits, but when I have more rules and consequences he does better. I have to follow through though and not just make empty threats.
We have battled this with our ds in and out of public school. It really doesn't have anything to do with the location of their education. It is all a battle of wills (if you let it be) or an issue with submitting to authority. I agree with clear, consitant expectations and follow-through with consequences. With our ds, my dh taught me something that his family practiced. Offering mercy. If the child has punishment coming, but they are truely repentant, we offer them mercy in an extremely intentional manner. For example, say the child throws a fit and the punishment is taking on an extra chore. If the child realizes the gravity of their offense and is repentant and applogizes sincerely, we may chose to vocalize our act of showing mercy by helping them complete the chore. We make sure to tell them that we want to do good things for them all the time, but their offense (in our home their sin) prevents us from giving them all the good things we long to give them. When they are truely repentant, it frees us to give them the good things we have ready to offer. Sorry for the drawn out post, but we found with our strong-willed son, he responded so much better when he knew that there was hope for him to change and get a clean slate. 10 is a tough age for figuring out their emerging manhood--some call it the "rooster phase". Hold on tight! One day you'll turn around and be so proud of the young man with unwaivering integrity you have raised.
Dashawn is the same way! He fights on everything. I know that I need to get more (or maybe some) rules in place, but I struggle with consistency. For so long I was just the fun aunt, that now we both are still adjusting. So, I guess I don't have any advice, but I am looking forward to hearing what others have to say.
I found that extra hugs, more one-on-one time and helping my son with his paper route really helped when he was ten. He wanted to be acknowledged as a mature young person, but he also needed to spend more time with us (especially his dad!). My general rule - when you most want to push them away, that's when you've got to pull them close. The other thing that really helped was sorting out my son's diet and keeping to it strictly. No sugar, no caffeine, only complex carbs (ie green veggies). We even cut back on his fruit. Leveling out his blood sugar and feeding him good healthy food really helped to stabilize his mood. Your son is probably not hypoglycemic, like ours, but it's still worth looking into. Just ask yourself, is he meaner to his brother at specific times of the day? Does he have tantrums in the afternoon? Does he get frequent headaches or act tired and cranky? I saw a study a few years back where they changed the menu in a residential school for troubled kids, and right away the number of fights dropped dramatically. So if there's any way to improve your family's diet, now's a good time to do it. It sure can't hurt!
I think 9-13 is a hard age. They are not really old enough to be teens, yet they are not really 'kids' either. They have outgrown a lot of things, and yet are not old enough for more mature things. My daughter is very smart alek, and hyper, and honestly some days I just don't know what to do with her. She does not like to be in her bed. If I send her to her room, she just plays, and of course I can't just sit in there with her. So I make her get IN her bed with NOTHING> and that is where she stays until she is able to come out and make an apology and WORK. She also has hard consistent rules. I ban her from the phone, tv computer whatever it takes. She also writes " I will not make fun of my sister" 40X or whatever the case may be. She is very difficult for me to even tolerate being around sometimes. I hope she outgrows this!
Boys get hormonal influxes much like girls, but they also have big ones at 4, 10 and puberty. 10 year old boys get that rush of testosterone preparing them for puberty and it can really drive you crazy with the attitude. (I am one of 10. 7 girls and 3 boys, my mother always said that for girls 9 was the age of perpetual pre-menstrual tension. And it lasted until we all got our first period- she said the boys went through something similar around 10 ) We use diet like Meg and exercise to help regulate moods here. (Works for Mum and Dad too) We live in a quiet little cul-de-sac. So if a child seems particularly moody and challenging that day I will have them run laps for ten minutes, have a glass of water and then sit down to their studies. My little guy is very easily distracted so I have him jump on the trampoline for 5 mins, do some push ups, jumping jacks and sit ups or do a lap or two of the cul-de-sac or just some simple stretches, between lessons. It just helps clear their minds. We also keep firm boundaries. School with a happy heart is a must. Attitude is always number one. Give me your best and you will get the best of mine, give me your worst at your own peril. It's amazing what a simple hug can accomplish.
[QUOTE=peanutsweet;305944]I think 9-13 is a hard age. They are not really old enough to be teens, yet they are not really 'kids' either. They have outgrown a lot of things, and yet are not old enough for more mature things. [/QUOTE] Boys get hormonal influxes much like girls, but they also have big ones at 4, 10 and puberty. 10 year old boys get that rush of testosterone preparing them for puberty and it can really drive you crazy with the attitude. I agree completely with these posts! My oldest just turned 14 in March and things are finally starting to settle down for him ( and me lol). My advice is NOT to put him back in public school, for they will only get worse when he receives reinforcements from the other boys acting this way as well. My oldest went through a tough time trying to find the nitch where he now fit into the family... he went from picking on his brother to trying to be a bossy father figure to him. Which of course made the younger son mad and the fight was on lol. I would suggest that you made a posterboard of house or school rules and make it very clear what was expected and what is required if the rules are broken. And stick to it.
I think consistency on whatever way you choose to go is the key. My boys were finally over the challenges of understanding school time, and their work requirements (which took months as they were previously ps), then I went back to work. The kids' stuff was the same, but their teacher was different. Everythng, ahem, went to h@ll. The schedule (daily-not school-we have a general schedule as I deal with mulitple disabilities), the chore requirements, the punishment/rewards and any kind of follw thru....completely obliterated. So I have firm convictions that if you are not simply consistent in your day to day, it will be a problem. Also, having taught boys -I learned boys need physical (literally-jumping stretching running whatever) breaks built in. Try charting the time for 2 days-when his behavior gets really ichy. Then plan on the third day, no matter what he's doing, around those times - send him out to do laps, or a quick set of jumping jacks....ortell him just go outside and yell your head off and act like an amazon warrior!!! Weird, I know, but it seriously helped my 8 yr old stay on track. And just a quick break(ha-I write down everytime he does something and count it for our pe requirement. ) Don't give up though! There are tons of great ideas on here and people willing to help/listen/be a sounding board!
My 12 (oops now 13) yo is my "easy" homeschooler (or has been...we shall see) and the younger one is the well more challenging. It is so interesting because academically it is the other way around. so what I have is the one who has to work the hardest really tries and the one who everything is easy for is kind of a snit about it. You don't say how long you have been hs them. and I think that makes a difference. We definitely had some adjusting to do and it got gradually better. As things are easier for Dutch we made a hard and fast rule that there is absalutely no teasing about levels of work. (Dutch is doing the same work as Jazz only slightly modified) except Math. I also have Jazz (the older) help his brother with math, so that Dutch has a starting point for respect issues. I have started punishing them both the same for the dust ups...if I am hearing about it, everyone gets the same punishment or whatever...although sometimes I warn them..."do you want to handle this or do you want me to?" Sometimes they are both so angry at each other it is worth it for them to both get in trouble. :} that is a weird boy thing isn't it?
Thanks for that comment! It is so true with my oldest and one I have a hard time remembering and doing! I agree with the firm rules and consequences! Once my eldest learned what her expectations were, the consequences for not doing those expectations and that I followed through-- things got much easier. My daughter is a lot younger and a girl, but I've also found choices help. I tell her what needs to be accomplished and by what time. I ask if she wants to do it all in a chunk or break it up. She usually does all of her seat work in a chunk and then asks for a break. I sit the timer for 20 minutes or so and let her go do what she wants. She is very active so she normally choses to go outside and play. When the timer goes off, she comes back and finishes the rest of her work. I've also found that she does better with the seat work right after lunch- by then she has had enough time to burn off some of her energy and she seems to focus better. Could breaking it down help? 30 minutes of good hard work followed by a 15 minute break-maybe with some sort of physical activity? I also have to let go and realize it is ok if she is standing up and wiggling while she is working- she needs that movement- some days more then other. I have to ignore the fact that she is jumping while we are practicing her flashcards- she NEEDS that movement to help her learn- even though the movement drives me nuts.
