Do your older children try to "parent" thier younger siblings even when you are around? I have one child that is driving me crazy always telling his little brothers what they can or can't do or that they can't have something they are asking ME for. Do yours do this? Do you have any suggestion on how to get him to stop? Thanks or any input.
My only daughter (3 boys) has mothered her brothers from day one. It is just a natural instinct on her part. She now works full time at a day care center through our church. I never really tried to curb her "mothering" because it was just her being her.
well I don't here, but when I grew up in my large family we did, I think it was because back then my parents left us to be charge so much even when they were around the younger ones came to us or we just told them what to do. In the homeschool group I see that alot where parents put the older ones in charge so they can talk or go to meetings and the little ones are so use to listening to the older the ones they do and the older ones are so use being the boss. Maybe you need to set the rules when you and dh are home you are in charge. I don't know how to do it...
I don't think this is the case here. He just wants to be in everybodies business, and worried about what everyone else is doing instead of what he is doing. KrisRV-I see this happen, too! But we don't leave this one in charge and we have set down the rules, but...
I have one that is mothering. I try not to see it negatively, but to guide her to make wise decisions-rather than bossing her siblings around, help them see that they should ask me or help them make a decision she knows is right. I also remind the younger children that *I* am the parent and am the one who makes decisions (along with dh) unless an older sibling is left in charge while babysitting. Even when that happens, I try ot leave a detailed list of who's responsible for what (chores).
Oh yeah! lol. My DS 7 thinks he needs to parent. He jumps into the middle of my scolding his sister to add his two cents. And the other day when she crossed the street before him. ( I was allowing them to run ahead so long as they looked both ways to go home) He caught up to her and in his haughty voice said "Don't you ever run off like that again!" It can be funny, cute and very irritating to listen to. I just remind him if it's sounding bossy that perhaps he could word it different. I try to point out that tone of voice plays as much a role in what you are saying as the content does. I also tell him when it's crossing the line, that he is the older brother not the father or mother and simply put it is NOT his place to admonish his sister. I think he is slowly getting the picture. I also know I am partly to blame for telling him when we aren't around, say if they are playing alone, that he should watch her. And that as an older brother he should be protective and look out for her best interests. I want him to be a good brother. Unlike my own who tormented his sisters relentlessly with silliness .
YEP! I've heard that the oldest thinks it's "Mom, Dad, and Me" vs. the younger siblings. And I sure know that's true in my house! I'm constantly reminding Rachael to let ME be the mom! She'll even jump in when I'm standing right there in the room. Unfortunately, some of that is MY fault. If I'm busy, I will tell her to take care of whatever.
My 10yo ds tries to parent all the time! I have to stop have numerous times a day to remind him that he is not the parent. He will even try to put his siblings in time out, and if they won't go he gets more angry with them and then tries to break something of theirs or take something special that is theirs. It really REALLY drives me crazy. He ends up getting in so much trouble because he won't leave the parenting to me and dh. I really try to make sure I don't put him in charge or tell him to see why the kids are fighting...it always leads to the kids getting in a physical fight with him and everyone ends up in time out or in their room.
My (almost) 14 year old mothers everyone, too. It drives us nuts because (1) she does it while I'm there, and before I can even respond and (2) She nix's everything, tells the other kids NO they can't do this or that or points out their faults. My other two kids are 12 and 6. My oldest is constantly stirring up trouble with this. I think it stems from being bossy. She's always worried about everything being fair. She's always been bossy but now that she's a teenager, ugh! Since she's always been bossy, I guess it's probably part of her personality but I should hope she can learn to control herself. We're working on it!!!
I just read Minthia's tag lines. Funny! Mine would be: DD14 the chairwoman, future boss DS12 the peacekeeper DD6 the actress, 6 going on 16.
My daughter does this two. I think I might just give up the fight and let her parent but guide her on how to do it effectively and respectfully. Thinking on this a bit more she IS a natural leader when she's in a mixed group of kids and maybe it's the mini-parenting that has given her that.
So is Rachael, Dawn, but I still don't want her to jump in and be mom, especially when I'm right there.
I can't give up on this fight. I don't know what gets me more, the fact that he tries to "parent" when I am right there in the room with them or the fact that he can't just worry about himself. ie. He will not be obeying me because he is to busy worrying about what someone else is doing.
I have one like that. I have been working on this since she was three years old and her first sibling was born. I have too many examples of siblings disliking one another when they are grown, because one the older sibling bossed the younger ones around. There is a difference between bossing and mothering. When a seven year old says to a three year old, "Would you like me to help you tie your shoes?", that's mothering and that's helpful. When the same child tries to forcefully shoe a toddler who has stated that he or she would like to "do it myself", that is bossing. My oldest is now 12. It has taken years of talks and reminders. I told her about grown ups whose relationships with their siblings were damaged because of the way they treated them in their youth. When she is helpful which is often, I praise her. When she is bossy, I put my hand up and say, "I'm right here. I've got it covered." She also has a very strong sense of fairness. My standard line for that (along with discussions) was "do you really want things to be fair?" She would quickly say no, becuase she realized that she benefited from the inequality, because as a responsible, older child, she is allowed more privileges. I've also talked to the younger one about not getting upset when a friend or sister tries to boss him around. I tell him to ask himself whether or not that person has any authority to instruct him in that particular instance. If his sister say, "Please stay out of my room", that is within her authority. If she says, "Stay out of Mom's room", that is not within her authority. I also tell him that if the bossy one is right (ie. he really shouldn't be in Mom's room) then he should do what is right even though the boss did not have the authority to "make him". Anyway, I don't think there is a quick fix. It take time and consistency to change bad habits.
Thanks Alice. I like your take on this, too. I will use that line "Do you really want things to be fair???" Good point!
Yes, that is very helpful! Though I laughed at you saying she's been at it since age three! I use to babysit my cousin's boy just one day a week. Rachael was four, Luke three, and Faythe two. And Rachael was constantly saying, "Faythe, you need to share with Luke!" "Luke, you need to give Faythe a turn!" even at that age!!!
I have a funny from Sunday School on this topic. I teach the 2 year olds. During the Bible story, my own son started fussing. Basically, he wasn't getting exactly what he wanted when he wanted it; he is still learning to deal with life's little disappointments. I just told him to quiet down, because it was story time. Naturally, that didn't work, and I was about to hand the story to someone else to read while I removed him from the room. That's when an articulate and super cute 2 year old girl leaned forward and placed both hands gently on his legs, scrunched down to look directly in his eyes, and said, "I NEED you to CALM down." She paused and then said, "Just calm down. I need you to caaaalllllmmmm dooooown." My son stopped fussing, but I had to compose myself before I continued; she had just done a remarkable impression of her mother!
