I have a hard decision to make in the next couple of days and I really need your guys' help with this. Our boys know that their grammy has passed away. When Tracy and I were coming home from the hospital we began talking about do we let the boys go to the viewing or not. Christian is 14 and I think he could handle it (I was 14 the first time I ever stepped foot in a funeral home when Grampy died). I don't know about Andrew (11) or Noah (7) though. While it might give them some closure, I don't know if it would set them back or not. The funeral itself is definately a no go. I wonder about the visiting hours though. I'd be interested in hearing your opinions... I don't know what to do on my own. Visitation isn't until Tuesday so it isn't like a matter of a couple minutes to make a decision on this. We've been honest with the boys about it, but we're stumped about what to actually do. We explained what she would look like (like she was slepping, etc) and both Andrew and Noah looked a little taken back by it. Maybe that alone is the answer I need. What would you guys do?
This is just my opinion, so take it as you wish. I would take all three boys to the funeral. When Carl's uncle passed away (whom my children didn't know well) we decided to take all three children. Both my mom and his dad were sick to where we weren't sure how long either would be around, and I felt I'd rather their "first" funeral not be for someone they really didn't know too well. With in a month, thier friend Danielle died, so again they all three went to the funeral. This is their grandmother. I attended two funerals when I was a young child...that of my great-grandmother (age 6), and my grandfather (age 8). Children need the closure as much as the adults do. They need to be able to say good bye and grieve. They also need to see how the adults handle THEIR grief. That it's OK to be sad, that they will miss him, too, etc. Again, that's just my opinion. You know your boys better than I do; I know whatever you decide it will be what you feel is best for your boys.
Brenda- this is Becky. I'm on Kevin's computer. I would look at how close they were to her. That would be my standard.
They were all close to her but Christian was the closest (because he spent the most time there). She treated them all like her own grand-children (not *step-grandchildren*) and they liked being around her. I think they need to go because death is a fact of life... no one escapes it. It would mean alot of talking to them before hand and in the days following but I think they need closure too. Andrew has a counselling appointment tomorrow morning and I will ask her what she suggests but most importantly definately a matter for prayer.
Brenda, I went to funerals when I was young and I myself now this is just my opinon I think it's best they go. They need closer too. Don't forget them. It does help them in along run. My youngest was 7 when she went to her aunts that we were taken care of and yes it was good for her she understood alot afterwards and knew where her favorite auntie went. Brenda, what my girls did was made a pretty colorful card and put it in with there auntie everyone thought it was wonderful of them to do that. So, I would let them go so they want too.
Brenda, You said the Funeral is definitely a no go. Why is that? Now, here's my opinion, same as Jackie said, you can take it or leave it...I think I'd take mine to the funeral, and not the viewing. It's better to remember her as she was before, it seems to me. But the funeral would help with closure.
I agree with everyone, here that you know your children better than any one and that we are just giving you answers as to what we do.... That being said, I had 7 people die in 3 months, when I was 15. You would think that I would have been a basket case. I would have been, if I would not have been able to "Participate" in the grief. One year after that started, my new best friend was killed. It goes on.... When I was 7, my Grandmother died. My family went through the whole, "Should we let the kids go" thing. Today , they agree it was "Silly of them" (Their words) to even question such a thing, because this was out of character for them. I felt like I was not good enough to go to the funeral. I hated feeling like I was not a full fledged member of the family. 7 year olds are very keen to what is going on around them and they are quite capable of handling the situation. We are from the old Kentucky Coal Miner people that would have funerals in the house and have someone who would "Sit up with the dead". Heck! My aunt talked about how, when she was younger, if someone died it was not uncommon for her and the other kids to be running through the house and nearly bumping into a casket about once or twice a year! Kids were everywhere at funerals and they turned out just fine. She even mentioned that over the last fourty years, it has become very uncomfortable to actually grieve at a funeral. She said that years ago, people would openly weep and cry, whereas, many times today's funerals are so regimented and quiet. (Which may be why people began leaving their kids at home, fo fear they would be too noisy, not sure) Now, my sister in law, died in 1981. Her sister was 8 and was not allowed to view the body, go to the funeral, go to the grave-side service, nothing. She descibes it as being treated like the dog. And yes, she has issues. (That was her experience.) When my cousin was murdered by having a truck run him over and drag him down the street... (Relevant information because his body was in horrendous condition...) His nine year old daughter was allowed to be involved in every aspect. This was after I stepped in and made it clear that she is a full fledged member of this family and should be allowed to grieve right along with us. They agreed and she felt in control and never brought up the issue of being "Left Out". She is 17 now and a great Christian Kid! (That was her experience.) I have seen a lot and I understand how everyone grieves differently and that nothing works for everyone. I guess I just want to express that a 4 or 5 year old would do good to stay with some neighbors, if only to keep the baby noise at bay (If that is important to the family) Aside from that, funerals are not "Freaked out phsyco parties that will scar your children", As my mother once put it... (She always had a way with words. :| ) So, I lean towards letting anyone over the age of 5 go and participate in the family moment. But this is simply my oppinion and I will most definately respect anything you choose. Sorry for being so long. Sending more huggggs!
First, I'm very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and yours. I will share my story and hope it helps. My grandmother died when I was 11, my parents decided that I was too young to go to the wake or funeral. I never really felt like I had a chance to say goodbye AND I think my parents really missed out on a chance to teach me about death and talk to me about what was going on. My children have been to 3 funerals, my husband always says that funerals are for the living. I think he's right. Just a thought. Good luck on your decision.
My biggest concern was "are they ready for this?" Uh Hello! We're not ready for this and I don't know that you ever really are... death happens but it doesn't always make it easier. When I went in to wake Noah this morning, he was already awake and looked so sad (I knew why) but I asked him why... wanting him to tell me in his own words how he was feeling. He needs the closure and to rob him of that by keeping him home will do more harm than good. Right now, it means a lot of talking to each of them to prepare them for what is to come. Thank you all for your opinions... they do help and I appreciate them.
I think the funeral is a must go and the body viewing is a if they want too. Give them a choice. They can be there and not see the body. The viewing is always worse than the funeral. Lorna
My boys 9 & 7 attended their first viewing of a close family friend last week, (they had been to an older lady's funeral in our church earlier in the year) they also attended the funeral. The oldest was upset, but death is part of life and I want both of them to know what is going on when it comes time for family members funerals.
Brenda, I agree...my kids went to their first funeral when they were about 6 and 8...We talked alot about death and what happens and they had the choice of whether they wanted to go up to the casket to see the body. They both chose to go...they were very curious and it ended up being a very good experience for them. I think it is an important part of teaching our kids about life. And when you start at an earlier age the more they seem to understand it and not be afraid of it as they get older. Praying for you all...
You know, I think that's a very good point. My cousin was 18 when her mother died from cancer. She (cousin) had never been to a funeral before. She had an extremely difficult time...more so than her three sisters. We all felt that part of that was because her first time was dealing with someone so very close to her.
I agree with about everyone. I would even take my son who is only 3 because he is extremely close to his grandma and I think kids need to be told the truth about what happens. I also think that closure is also needed, even at a young age and this really is the only closure they would have. Some may not agree, but I think it's important to be as honest as you can about it, and like Hoosier Mama said, it's an important part of teaching our kids about death, especially the Christian perspective of it.
When my dh's grandfather died my kids were 5 and 7. They went to the funeral and the viewing. Honestly, I thought it was wierd and wondered if they should go. In fact, my first instinct is not to let kids that young view the body and all that. I remember when I was 16 and my grandmother died, it was difficult for me to view the body. However, I think that my first instinct is wrong. After reading the other posts, I really learned that kids do have to be part of the grieving process. My kids were fine with going to the funeral and the viewing. Looking back I am glad they went. It was a family event, no matter how sad or difficult, and they are part of the family. That's is what makes us family---laughing and crying together. Consider that when making your decision. You know your children and you will do what is best.
Tracy and I are kind of at odds with this right now. I believe that the boys need to grieve and need to be with everyone else to grieve, but he thinks that a funeral is way too hard for them (given that everyone else will be so upset). I spoke to Andrew's counsellor yesterday to ask her about what she thought we should do. I also spoke to a really close friend and to my pastor's wife who also said that this may be the closure they need and could eliminate a probable blow out by Andrew three weeks down the road (this has been a common thing for Andrew; rather than deal with something at the time, it usually shows in the form of his behaviour like three weeks down the road and comes out of no where). If this would give him the closure he needs and will help him to effectively grieve (Noah as well), then this is what we need to do. We can't shelter out children from everything and death (unfortunately) is a fact of life. Far easier to have them grieve along side of the rest of us with extra support from mom and dad than to make them grieve privately, hidden from a funeral (which we make out to be dirty or what ever) with questions in their minds (does that make any sense - in my mind I know what I'm trying to say but I'm not sure it's coming out right). Tonight is visitation and children aside, I'm NOT looking forward to this at all. This has been a long haul and I don't know how much more I can handle (to a point where my back is hurting again from all the stress). Tracy's dad is doing good under the circumstances. He told me last night that as long as he has company he's fine but when he has down time, he loses it. I told him he needs the downtime in order to grieve (and appearently he had a lot of it yesterday). He's feeling abandoned by her family... they haven't stepped foot inside his home since her passing (but maybe they can't handle it right now - who knows). He needs our prayers so badly right now... and we're *working* on him too.
Praying for you, Brenda. May His peace sustain you, Tracy and the boys through this very difficult time. May He give you grace and wisdom, the wise words of comfort when needed, and to be able to discern when silence is the needed response. May you be uplifted on His eagle wings and fly above any turmoil.
Praying here for you Brenda. Yes that is common for kids to come out of no where and grieve weeks later. Mine girls did and was told by our pastor it's common. Just be there and let them talk when they need to talk.
Well, it's settled. We just got home from the funeral home. We took the boys with us and given the circumstances, they did as well as you would expect them to do. They're amazing little guys... they held it together while they were inside. On our way home, Andrew pipped up and said he didn't want to go to the funeral that it was too hard on him to see grammy like this and then the other two said the same thing. We told each of them to go ahead and cry if they needed to. Half way home, I looked back and saw Andrew crying and then sobbing. We pulled over to swap seats and he cried the rest of the way home. The other two have had tears in their eyes but haven't really broke down yet... in time they will. It was hard to bring them there, but I really feel as though we did the right thing - especially for Andrew. He needed to open up and grieve like this and it has opened a door for him that may have taken him weeks to do. He also has a counselling appointment on Thursday morning (good timing is all I can say - we re-scheduled it from Monday). And so, at their request, they will be home from school tomorrow (that was our choice) but will not go to the funeral. I respect their choice and it was one we felt they needed to make.
You know, my dad died when I was 8. He had a stroke then went into a coma. I had no idea how sick he was up to the day he went to the hospital. I would have spent more time around him had I known what was coming, but I guess the adults around me thought it was better to keep it from me. I hope the boys continue to hang in there.
