Well I'm sure most of you have heard about Tyler Clementi, the homosexual college student who took his life because of some bullying & invasion of privacy done by his room mate. Well, all of this has had me thinking. Of course, I believe that homosexuality is wrong (this is not about that)... but I truly do feel for this boy, because of the bullying that was done. It's opened my eyes a LOT to how I want to teach my children how to treat people. Today my son & I read a book called Shades of People, it's a bunch of real photographs of children of all different colors, and it's talking about how everyone is a different shade. My son (3) was able to point out that an African American person was "black". Now he knows his colors, he knows that the color of the girls skin was NOT actually black. So then where did he get that from? Maybe me? In something that I've said to my husband in passing? Maybe one of his grandparents or aunts or uncles? Idk.. it's possible. I used the opportunity to explain that Jesus made EVERYONE and that to Jesus, everyone was beautiful, even if they were different from us, so we should see them as beautiful too. He called a girl ugly in the book... something that made my blood boil. I told him that was not acceptable and that we were never to call anyone ugly. What do I do? How do I teach him to love like Jesus loves? How do I teach him that we were all made different but beautiful... How do I teach him that we should love people who live lifestyles that we believe are wrong? How do I teach him to treat people with compassion? Also, there was an instance a few days ago that we were at a local event, and there was a man in a wheelchair. He had sores all over his face, my son quietly tapped me and pointed to him. I just said "ok" and went on. The next morning we talked about it & he said that man was ugly and had bubbles on his face. Of course just like the most recent time i talked abotu earlier, i told him never to call someone ugly & that Jesus loves that man and thinks that man is wonderful. I know kids will be kids, and say things about those who look different from us.... but what do I say? I dont even think I was taught to acknowledge people correctly.... but I want more than anything to teach my children the right way to act... with love in their spirit. Truly, I am devastated that my homeschooled 3 year old knew to call someone black, and ugly. You better believe I will be watching what he's around to see and listen too. I honestly don't know where he got this stuff... It all makes me sick. Maybe I'm being too sensitive ... maybe I'm getting too scared too soon... && I'm not really sure why I'm even posting this. Somebody just please say something that might help this situation......
I am not as experienced as some of the other mama's on here so I'll just tell you what I am doing. First of all, I show by example. Second, we talk all the time about what God expects of us including how to treat others. Third, we read and talk about how God and Jesus treated people. And finally, I restrict her close association to those that have the same morals and values as we do. You know, our kids pick this stuff of from all over the place. My husband's grandmother used the "N" word in front of dd when we were on vacation. I just about died. My point is, and you already know this, that our kids are not stupid. They pick up all kinds of things from TV, people that are out and about, family, and so many other places. Don't feel bad about what your son said. Just help him appreciate why it is wrong and what kind of person he should be. Hope that makes you feel a bit better. I am sure you are a great mom. Don't be too hard on yourself!
I agree with SeekTruth about living by example and sharing what God says about what he created. I have some "black" friends and they do not appreciate being called African Americans because they aren't. They are Americans or black. They have no problem being refered to as black. Perhaps it is where we live. I do not know. My niece is also black and my sister doesn't have a problem with people refering to her as black. Again, it might just be the area we live in because it is very common around here. However, I would have a problem with my child calling somebody ugly. But, as a good parent, you talked to your kiddo about not calling people ugly. Good for you!
Yes show by example and take every opportunity to talk to them (like you did!). A lot of the older generation is very prejudice especially here in the south and especially is small towns in the south. I have family members that make me sick with it. They truly disgust me. They say the "N" word or call them colored folks. I always like to be snarky and ask "really? what color where they?" My mother is horrible about it and thinks nothing of it. She thinks it is normal to be a racists and that "black people are ok but you never mix races". Baloney! I constantly have to tell her not to speak her trash in front of my kids and always tell the kids that grandma is crazy, not right.
It truly sounds like you are already doing what you should be. Children in general are honest. They are still trying to figure out how to explain themselves and use proper words...esp. at 3! It's up to us to just teach them that, by talking, using examples, correcting their sometimes brutal honesty, etc. It sounds like you are doing that quite well. People generally do, or should, understand though that children don't always mean what they say. They are still trying to figure out the meanings or words and what words are nice/not so nice. They don't always understand what hurts someone's feelings. When it comes to the terms 'black' or 'white', etc...honestly, we have a pretty muticultural city and my boys are friends with many different raced children. Everyone around here uses the terms 'black', 'white', etc. very freely and openly. Really, no matter what you DO use, there will always be someone who prefers something else. A friend of mine hates being called African American, because he's not from Africa...he prefers 'black'. An old-worker hates the term 'black' because she would say her skin wasn't actually black. So really, I just try and stay away from those general terms because you never know who you are going to please or upset. I honestly could care less of someone calls me 'white' even though I'm 'peach'. lol Ugh... Seriously though...leading by example and just forming them to show Christ's love are the best things you can do, and it seems like you already know that.
Is your mother related to my MIL by any chance?!:shock: My MIL was against Handsome and I marrying because she doesn't believe in mixing races at all. But, she isn't racist. LOL I am a mixture of many races, too many to count, and she didn't think it was right that we married or even had a child. Again, she isn't racist.:lol:
Here is a conversation I had with my husbands 80 year old grandmother when I ran my home daycare a few years ago: Grandma: Are all the children in your daycare white? Me: Um...well, they happen to be, yes. Grandma: Oh, well that's good. Me: *totally puzzled* I honestly didn't know what to say and just sat there in shock wondering why it was 'ok'. lol They truly come from a different generation, and I think after you are brought up a certain way it's hard to change your opinions/focus on certain issues. When she was a teenager there were no 'black' people allowed in 'white' restaurants and things were all segregated. I honestly can't imagine trying to bring up my child to show EVERYONE the love of Christ in that kind of era. Eek.
I think you handled the situation just fine. And the fact that you are aware and know how you want your child raised will benefit you and ds all the more. It funny that you brought this up today. We live in a state where there are very few “black” people especially in our part of the state. And this past Sunday a “black” man came to our Church, anyway, this morning my almost 5 yo ds said, “Mommy, I hope that man doesn’t come back to Church.” I asked why and he said, “I don’t know, I just don’t.” Like you, I really didn’t know what to say. So I told him, “We want people, all people to come to Church. Just like you and me, everyone needs to learn about Jesus and His love for us. Don’t you want ______ to learn about God?” He said, “Yes, mommy you are right, I hope he does come back, I hope he does.”
Oh Patty they might just be related! My cousin is dating a black girl and my mother just could not believe it. She actually told me that she is fine with black people but not ever dating to marrying and certainly not having kids together. I asked her why? What sense does that make? Doesn't God love everyone? Is that not what you have been taught in church? She said well that is just the way she is, the way she was raised and they was she was always brought up. I thought how can you even go to church or call yourself a christian with that attitude. My best friend is a black lesbian but she has no problem with that because she is just my "friend". Jennie - I could have had that absurd conversation with any one of my insane family members. Things like this really really reallly bother me!
where we live, I dont think my kids had ever seen a "non-white" person until they were like, 5 yrs old or something. now, my daughter has a friend who is of some mixed heritage(not sure what, don't really care) and I don't think it even occurs to her that they have different skin colors. My cousin adopted a black baby three years ago and we don't even remember that he is not "biological". That wasn't something I conciously taught. As far as people with disabilities go, my kids have grown up with a g-mother with a prostetic leg, a g-mother with no hair, an autistic sibling, several cousins with various mental or physical handicaps and a friend with Downs syndrome. They seem to know intuitively that these people are precious in God's sight and have never had to be told, "don't stare". I never really thought about deliberately teaching this.
Live by example. I also like to point out that people come in all shapes and sizes. Colors and so on. That everyone has personal opinions, like your son thought the person in the book was ugly. However someone else will think that person is beautiful and we shouldn't judge people by the outside. Some of the most beautiful people on the outside are the nastiest on the inside. Like a ripe piece of fruit you bite into and find out it is tastless some people are that way also, not nice. So looks and color and so on are irrelevant. That being said I also tell them they are free to think whatever they wish but it is unacceptable and rude to say things about others in front of them. However if they ever have a question about why a person looks a certain way or behaved a certain way they can ask us later at home. And so far it has worked. My son, seven came home from Beavers/scouts and said there had been someone in a wheelchair and their eyes were bugging out. What was wrong with them? I asked if he had said anything or stared rudely and he said no. I was really glad he didn't say anything. I also told him some people can't help how they look but God has created them that way for a reason and we should love and protect them from harm, including rudeness.
Ohhh and I forgot this exercise I did with the kids for character traits. Cut out a paper heart. Show you child the heart and tell them it is their heart. Then say if someone says something to you how does it make you feel? Usually the answer is bad so you have them crumple their heart. Then the person who was rude apologizes. The apology is symbolized by trying to smooth the paper out again. But look you can't ever truly get rid of the wrinkles in that heart from the hurtful words or actions. That is why we should be considerate and thoughtful when speaking to others. The kids still remember this and I can remind them of it. Usually when they are being rude to one another.
I like this idea. I may do this myself! Thanks Also, if you do Bible verse memorization or something like that you could do some verses that apply to this situation like Acts 10:34,*35.
Your son sounds like a normal 3 year old to me. Looking back my sons all said some things because of their age that I wish they hadn't said, but now at 6 and 7 they would never say those things because they know it is wrong. lead by example, don't call attention to a person's color or race, or handicap unless it is necessary. Allow your child to see that you accept them for who they are, and they will do the same Just remember children are young and they don't always know that what they say is hurtful. We must teach them those things.
I haven't read anyone elses posts yet, I wanted to write my own first before I read what everyone else says. Kids will be kids, really. You don't have to teach children what some things mean. They can tell what's pleasing to the eye and what is not. I think, in this case, your being a little too sensitive about the "ugly" issue with the black child. Did he specifically say that her color was ugly? I would have asked what he thought about her was ugly. In any case, your answer could have been, "God thought that was an excellent color for her, just like he thought your color was excellent for you!" Once while we were at Walmart, Bo pointed to a very large woman in a scooter in front of us who was, incidentially, buying cigarettes. My son looked at me while we were behind her in the checkout and very loudly said, "Mama! Look! Look! That Fat lady is buying smoking sticks!" She immediatly turned, and I immediatly apologized of course. While we were there I told him that everyone was different, but just because you are different doesn't mean that you aren't special. Everyone is special no matter what we look like, how we talk, or how we act. I then told him that it wasn't nice to call her fat, and the next time he had a question or a comment about something he should tap me and tell me quietly so we can talk about it. I don't think it's right to place my personal beliefs here on this board, but my children have had next to no contact with a black person. They just don't live around where we are. When we go shopping in a nearby big city there are plenty. When we go he seems to shy from them. (This is ebcause a few months ago when we were shopping, this little black girl we were walking by punched him in the arm twice. After I pulled him away, her gramma told her that it wasn't nice, w/o an apology to us, and she then hit her gramma. I think that's part of it, but not all) Also, he doesn't question too much (the ciggie lady was a very rare occurance) because he has an autistic uncle, and a delayed brother so he sees all sorts of atypical behaviors and I don't think he really notices it when we go out. Keep reading him books! This will definately help! We have a few books about autistic children that are FANTASTIC! Our son wont understand most of them until he is older, but they are still great teaching tools! I am also a firm believer in VEGGIE TALES! Aoart form being entertaining for ME (lol) they are great for the kids and educational for mind and spirit. Bottom line: Don't sweat it. Kids says the darnest things sometimes, and that's because their kids. Just explain things simply and kindly. Let them ask questions.
Northernmomma~I enjoyed both of your post. What great ideas and I am going to use the heart idea. Thanks. I have just made up a song about having a pretty heart for the Lord and this will be great.
thank u all for your reassurance. i told my husband basically the same things i mentioned in my post and we are both on the same page about how we want our children to be taught. Northernmama, i loved the heart exercise.. im going to have to remember that!
Could you clarify what your issue is with your 3 year old saying someone is "black". Is it that you're wondering where he found out that someone with darker skin is often called black or do you think there's something wrong with using the term "black"? Personally, I hate the term "African-American". I can't tell if someone is American just by looking at them and I live in a university community with a large amount of international students. I'm likely to offend the Africans from Nigeria or the guy from the Bahamas. I also have a friend whose family has lived in S. Africa for generations and she's now a naturalized citizen. She's an African-American and she's white! I remember when one of my sons was 3 and saw a black child at the library. He said "Mommy, can I go play with that chocolate boy over there?" I don't care if they notice someones race, as long as they don't care! As for calling someone ugly, I can see why that upset you. Some of the people I've known who would be considered physically ugly were some of the most beautiful people I've ever known. Unfortunately, I've seen studies with very young babies that show they can identify more attractive people and will look at the very attractive people while turning away from others. I think that's just a matter of teaching that we shouldn't judge people by their looks, that we shouldn't make negative comments about people because of some physical trait, and that Jesus loves all people and what's in their heart is important. That's hard to do in our culture though!
Mom2scouts, you're post made me laugh. Kids don't care, but they are naturally going to recognize differences and comment on them at a young age. My daughter did something similar when she was about four. She wasn't saying anything negative about the boy, but she was honestly puzzled by why that boy's skin was that color. At that time and since I have explained to my kids that God makes everyone different some have black skin some have white, some have blue eyes and some have brown. It is funny though that now she is ten we just started going to a church in a larger city where there are a variety of races. After her first visit to her Awana class she was telling me on the way out that she had made a new friend and what her name was and then she said and she's black too. I just said oh, well that's nice and we went on. Kids are kids and as long as we or someone else in their lives don't get in their way and tell them they shouldn't like this person for this or that reason, then they will naturally base who a person is on their character instead of their package. If they happen to make poor choices and say or do wrong or hurtful things, then it's our job to step in and correct them and give them some direction. But, I think they will naturally mimick us if we give them good examples. I think you're going a good job. He'll see how you treat people and react towards them and base his beliefs of what you say and what you do. And as parents if they step out of line, then we have to yank them back over.
I have often wondered why people who were born here want to be referred to as African American. I don't want to called 1/2 Irish 1/2 Polish American- I wasn't born in those places. I am American and all the people who live here as citizens are Americans- that is the only thing I think we should call ourselves. When my son was very young he said he wished he was black. I thought that was so cute and innocent. To this day, he gets along with people from all backgrounds and ages. The word "black" is used so often that it would be hard NOT to pick it up. I wouldn't blame yourself.
