I would like to speak to all homeschoolers who have made academics TOO important that it puts a strain on your relationship with your kids. My son and I have an OK relationship right now. It has actually been hurt by homeschooling the past 3 years. NOT because there is anything wrong with homeschooling (we are still doing that), but there was something hugely wrong with my attitude towards learning and education. I am still working my way through the muck and mire of trying to find that balance between what I am used to and what real learning is. I wanted my son to perform at a level that he was not ready for and I wanted him to like learning like a traditional school. That drove us to tears more times than I could count. I drove a wedge between us and it was all my fault. I have had a huge guilt over this and sometimes the pain is SO heavy I have been depressed for a day or so. Please, if you are in that spot, put studying aside for a while. Go out and enjoy your kids. Love them and nuture them. They won't get hopelessly behind. They just might experience healing in those broken places. I am just now realizing that the more I worried about my son's education the more chance he had of failing, because I would pressure him. I just wish I knew this before he was so grown (he is 15). I know not all is lost and relationships can be healed, but I wish I could start all over. It has affected the way we approach the day. I know we both expect tension, so it is hard for us to get motivated in the morning. I am going to pray to God to help me through this. I want my son to enjoy being around me, whether we are just hanging out or it is school time or whatever.
(((hugs)))) Praying for you both now. I went through similar things with my ds14. It wasn't until this year that we found our balance. Having been in ps for a couple years, we know what we dealt with and his attitude toward school was much worse at ps than at home. We now are at a place where we respect each other and the need for learning. We also have managed to get to a place where were see what is necessary and what is not. I had to let go of my expectations for him to perform like a highly academically motivated student and embrace his giftings from the Lord as who he uniquely was created to be. Once you can convince your son that you really have arrived at that place, he will heal and your relationship will blossom in ways you never expected. So glad you are taking the first steps. ((((hugs))))
Cabs mom, I think we all go through certain types of learning processes while we teach our kids but hey isn't it good thing you chose to hs him because if he was out to school all your time would have been pushing him to achieve at the level in his home work plus! This is really cool that you have noticed it already, I generally don't 'get it' that quickly with my oops' with my kids. I have made a few too! My ds#1 went to private school only to inform me of all the wrong I did in how I taught him. I see him still struggle with spelling which I used program after program to force him into my mold and later found out that is just not how he learns he is a try it and re try it on his own time kind of kid. dc #2 -- I tried to force teach like a teacher--- you know I teach- you learn what I taught you now then wait for me to teach you again. I was so frustrated when I could not keep up with her.. then the aha moment came when I realised she was teaching herself at a much faster level than I expected her to learn, she was learning faster than I was teaching. Now with #3 I am more relaxed, we discuss our school a lot ( older brother would have gained a lot more from this!) I allow ds to talk in school to a certain amount now... explaining that if goes to church's school he will have to learn NOT to talk while working... There are so many ways I could have helped my oldest if I had only realised it back then. Thanks to this HSpot I have learned that its okay to make mistakes in teaching, to fix it later and go on Good job and I will be praying for you!
Teacher mom, He went to school until 7th grade. I didn't put a lot of pressure on him then, because it was not me that would be accountable in my mind. Back then, it was between him and his teachers. I would help him when he needed it and there wasn't the stress when I helped him. I was just a tutor of a sort. Then when it came to homeschooling, I felt that the whole weight of responsibility rested on my shoulders. I HAD to perform well or it would reflect bad on me. I HAD to make sure he knew what was necessary for the test. I HAD to ..... Now, I am realizing that tests are not necessary. I might give him a few this year, but not over everything every chapter. Now, I am realizing that putting aside academics is OK, especially if we are stressed to the max. It would be worse to keep putting the pressure on during that stress--leading to much more stress. I am learning that if I am worried about college (that he has no plans for), future jobs, success, then I am being driven by the wrong thing and my son knows it. The thing is--it has been very bad in the past and I would say, "I love you," and he would say, "You can say that all you like." WHOA! I know that my son loves me, but at times he honestly did not feel loved by me. This has been so devasting to me that I was beyond words in sadness. BUT, God is the healer and God CAN work through this. I also have to remember the loving things I have done in my son's life-so I don't go to the place where I feel like the worst mom on the planet. I also have to remember the great conversation we had last week just driving home. He was talking about some very deep things relating to God and his relationship with Him. God is working in his life and if I know that, why worry at all about where he is at academically? And that conversation was just a few days before the other comment above. I need to realize that he may have been in a bad mood himself when he made that comment and maybe some of it may have been to push my buttons. I don't want to make light of the comment, but I don't want to take it too hard either. It is so hard to be a mom sometimes.
wow so he is older than I was thinking... that is part of it too, remember that the ages 13-15 sometimes even older than that boys push away from us moms, they will come back around 19-10 ish , he told me in freshman, and sophomore years that I ruined him by homeschooling him, Lol, I can laugh now cause I see a very talented Godly man forming. You are right to focus on where he is with God. I keep telling my self when my kids are rotten to one another, disobedient to me and their dad that at least they are mild in comparison to others, and they are seeking God in their lives.
bless you for sharing that with us! I am so thankful for this community of moms and dads that are willing to teach and show other parents the lessons they've learned along the way. I'm tucking this little jewel of wisdom away! Thank you for having a teachable spirit and listening to your son. our children are so precious.
All, I can say, is "thank you sooooo very much, you don't know how bad I needed both of your post." Now if I can just grow like you have.
In the past,I went through some challenging time with homeschooling my dds. sometimes we're all happy and other times, nobody is. Now, our schedule is still loaded but I try hard to make sure that we have sometimes for us. I take the girls out for a walk for almost an hour. we lose an hour of studying it. but we all need it. sometimes I am satified as long as math and reading is done Isn't that sad I now have a white board in the study room with all the assignments for the week. As long as the chart is marked- done by the end of the week, we're all happy. I no longer going to stress myself more. They're making a progress everyday. our kids work so hard and they deserve fun time.
Thank you for sharing and the sharing of others. Now that my son is in 9th grade I expect a certain degree of learning that he is not able to give. Your post has encouraged me to take a step back and not turn hs into a stressful situation. I have also noticed him distancing himself from me, his mom. I try not to take it personally, but it is nice to hear the same thing has happened to other moms with their sons. Sigh. He just does not want to cuddle on my lap and have a picture book read to him. Guess I will have to wait for grandkids.
