How do you handle criticism from your spouses??

So, we've just been h.s.ing for a couple of weeks now. I am essentially having to start over with my 4th grader due to a horrible semester of her just shutting down completely in school. As a certified teacher, I have been trying to identify the gaps she has and then start reteaching from there. Today, DH was asking her to identify the circumference, radius, etc. in the circles on her Venn diagram for science. Nevermind that she has NO IDEA what any of these terms are, he expects her to just immediately grasp the concept. She was working on the division part of finding radius, but was having trouble with it. His comment to me is "Apparently you aren't teaching her anything. What's the point in having her home if she still isn't learning? She shouldn't still be having trouble with this!" And she heard every blasted word:cry: By the time we got home (this all happened at the office we own) she was beside herself, right back to where she was before we pulled her. How would you respond? I am so non-confrontational, but I know I need to say something. Thanks for letting me vent!

 

(((hugs))) So sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Could it be that he is still fearing a lot of aspects of homeschooling? or had he been doing this kind of thing when she was in public school, too?

I know you said you are non-confrontational. You should find a time when neither of you is upset or even thinking about homeschooling and ask him if it is a good time to discuss some concerns you have. Then you can let him know that what he was expecting her to know is not something that was part of the standards she had been being taught. It won't come until (5th or 6th?) grade. I don't know the background of your household, but I would not let this type of thing get brushed under the carpet. You also need to let your daughter know, while still being respectful to your husband, that you understand how dad's words hurt her and that you will discuss it with him. She needs to know that his expectations are not realistic and that she should in no way feel like she is not "getting it" since it is not even something she has ever been exposed to.

I'm sure I have oversimplified your situation, but I know from experience that you must talk to Dh about it at a time when you are both calm and rational. Hope this helps. (((hugs)))

 

Brooke,
Thank you so much. I did make sure to reassure her that I knew how hard she is working and that I have confidence in her. DH is generally a very negative person and tends to only see the bad things instead of looking for the positive. We are just going to do some extra work on her mental math abilities and knock his socks off in a day or two so he realizes that we aren't just playing around in the mornings

 

In the beginning when my dh would say stuff like that to me I would turn it around and tell him that if he thinks he can do better then he can teach. He would eaither back down or step it up. If he stepped up and decided to teach he realized that kids don't always grasp things as fast as we would like. It took my oldest nearly 2 years to grasp some of the math concepts, but he understands them now.

If you have only been at it for a few weeks, I would talk to your dh and explain that it will take time to undo the damage from her PS experience and that she needs to re-learn alot of things that will take time. You can't MAKE anyone learn things they don't want to learn, but you can teach them the things they don't want to learn by presenting them in a different way so that they maybe learning the thing that is hard for them will be a bit easier.

Ok. I think I just rambled and got off track slightly. I hope something I said helps.

 

Actually, I did let him take over for a couple of minutes, until I realized he was trying to tell her to just ignore the numeral in the ones place and divide the numeral in the ones place first. I had to step in at that point as I didn't want her anymore confused than she already was. LOL Hopefully, he will trust me to do what I know works and will just back off a little. I don't try to tell him how to run the business b/c I have no training in that area, he needs to let me do what I know how to do.

 

Oops, I meant to say the tens place above

 

Did he want your daughter to be homeschooled, or was it your decision ? As a former teacher you are very qualified to homeschool

 

I'm sorry you are feeling that way. I know it can be very hurtful coming from your spouse. ((((hugs))))

 

I think you guys should study up on something your DH never learned or has forgotten and have your kiddo quiz Dad. That could be an ego boost for her and a reality check for him. And oodles of fun for the rest of us.

 

It sounds like maybe he is against homeschooling in general.

 

I think let him take over again but don't step in, give him enough time to teach her something so he can really see how difficult it is. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a go at you because of his own frustrations at not being able to help her understand.

 

Thanks for your comments He actually was in favor of pulling her out after seeing her grades plummeting and seeing the changes in her personality. He is just very result driven and has no idea how much I am having to reteach. She sat down and worked some problems for him tonight to show him that she does actually know how to do it and it seemed to make him realize he had over-reacted. Hopefully this is a one-time issue.

 

My spouse was hesitant at first and had occasional doubts. I had to be patient and give it more time. After a couple months the improvement was more than visible and I had full support. Hang in there.

 

I would for sure give him a clue on the fact that she is #1- in forth grade give her a break let her learn it as it comes.
2- like it was said up there on the first page, it takes time to teach a concept, some kids take all year to get it then forget it over summer in ps so how can he expect you to gain that much in two weeks?
She is a girl at an age when girls sometimes seem to think on other things while being taught... watch that too.
Most of all I would just respond with " honey give it some time, you will see the benifits" then point out something new she did learn that day. Perhaps math is not her subject?

 

You guys are nicer than me

I'm non-confrontational, as well, but that would be about the time I would fly into a rage at my dh and tell him either take over altogether, or shut his gap and let me do it I would also tell your dd, if she was mine, over and over how smart she was and that I know she was having a hard time in ps but that it wasn't her fault, and that we'd find a way to fix it together. And I'd tell her that right now Daddy doesn't really understand, but that he will if we give him time. I understand, from my own dd, all too well how badly ps can damage a child's self-esteem. And the best bit of info I can share with you is that once you build that up, and gain her trust in you and herself again, then she will FLY.

My dh was not really on board with me pulling ds. Since ds was doing well academically, my dh didn't see all the other issues we were having.

BUT he knows I will teach my children. I do try to keep my dh involved as much as possible, and I lean on him when we are working on something I am less comfortable with. I consult him if I run into issues, and respect his advice and opinion. He also endlessly hears about what we've done or are going to be working on. Today, ds showed him the 'map' he'd made of the house (we were studying explorers). So my dh is included completely. Due to dh's hours, he also is home while I'm teaching, so he sees what I'm covering. By keeping my dh involved, we are a stronger family. BUT- my dh trusted me from the get-go. He knows I'm bright and capable, and he knows even before we moved to schoolwork that I was always teaching my children SOMETHING. That's the nature of being a mom (and a dad, too). If anything, having a teaching certif should 'buy' your husband's trust that you can handle it.

I guess.. if it was my dh, after the afore-mentioned rage I'd ask him exactly what and how he would like me to teach, and why he think it would work better. Maybe his issue isn't you at all, but that he's worried or scared, or that he secretly thinks your dd can't learn (ridiculous of course) and he has some shame there. A bit- just a bit- we all want someone to 'blame' when our kids are having problems. I think most of us get past that pretty quickly and just get on with it, but your dh may still need more time. You are going to need to tell him that he cannot cannot cannot say such things in front of you dd EVER again.

Just my very humble .02.

 

You are a teacher by profession. So am I, so let me talk to you more on a "professional", rather than "mommy" level. Maybe that will help with your husband.

Your daughter has had a tough first-half of the year. Your husband wants to see results NOW. That is simply unrealistic. She needs to have confidence built back up first. I think the way to satisfy BOTH is to set down and write out very specific objectives, an IEP if you will. Say specifically that THIS is what she can do NOW, and THIS is what I expect her to do by the end of the (semester, grading period, whatever). That way, when your dh is fussing at you, you can show him her improvement. And you can tell him that you are NOT in a formal school, that you are NOT going to follow the formal school "model". I am a firm believer in homeschooling, NOT "schooling at home".

Anyway, I hope that helps!

 

I think I would of told him right then and there where the bears go potty. LOL You need to sit down with dh and show him what you are doing and what it takes to get from A to B it doesn't happen over night. It takes some time. Let him know she is doing alot better and things are working out but you had to start all over. (((HUGS)) to all. Second I would tell him next time he had something smart to say to say it to me but not in front of our daughter.

 

Kris I love your wording girl! LOL!! I totally agree that the husband was WAY out of line to talk like that in front of the child. The child needs to be built up, not torn down, by daddy. Confidence needs to be built first especially after a bad semester in 4th grade. Trust me I know! That is the same age and for the same reasons I pulled Samantha out of ps years ago. I am super blessed that my husband never questions anything I do regarding Grace's education.

 

thanks Tiffany I knew if anyone would you would understand. lol

 

Here is something I have read before: Sometimes it is harder for a teacher to homeschool, because the way the system does it is designed for large classes and designed to supposedly to keep all the kids on the same level (or at least not below a certain level). While that sounds good, it is reality-hence special ed. and gifted and talented classes.

When we are helping our kids learn, we can go two routes.

1. We fight to keep them on par with their peers at all costs and stress and worry if they are not there. In the process of doing this, we will most likely make the situation worse (unless they learn easily). We can get all worked up (OH NO, my child can't read and she/he is already 6 1/2!)

2. We can work at their level. If they excel at one subject-let them move ahead at whatever pace they can manage. If they have a hard time with another subject-move ahead slowly and let them be "behind". Most kids who are behind for a while in a subject, say math- will do good if they are allowed to get a good solid understanding before moving on.

Also, learning does not have to look like it does in school. People learn all the time from many different experiences. Remember, you didn't have to "teach" your child how to talk, but she learned anyway.