It has come to my attention recently that I have pretty much done everything for my ds. I pick out his clothes, prepare every single snack and meal, hold his hand or stand over him for everything I ask him to do. I can't list everything, but what it has resulted in is him being very lazy. He doesn't want to do anything for himself when I know he is capable of doing it. Every request is responded to with a groan. I don't know why I didn't see this coming earlier, but now I need to fix it. So, how would you go about fixing this (besides the obvious quit doing everything for him; I'm trying)? Is there a trick to easing him into this or do I cold turkey start telling him to do it himself? Any advice would be appreciated.
I'm struggling with the same thing at my house right now, but my kids are older. I'll be looking here for some great advice too.
I recently informed my kids that I won't be moving in with them as a maid when they are grown. We discussed all the things they will have to know how to do for themselves and I informed them that like all the other subjects we are learning they will be starting this now. I picked a couple of chores they can easily do, taught them how and now those are expected of them. I plan on adding chores as they grow and become more capable. They grumbled a lot at first, but I was quick to mention things like, "hey we can go to the park now because together we got all the chores done early." They have figured out that it is helping them too.
I find that my mostly independent 6 year old becomes much more demanding when daddy is home on the weekends. He no longer knows how to dry himself off after a shower, and seems to need me for everything. My husband starts to think my son needs me too much. I have to explain that during the week, he does most things on his own. Ugh, I can totally understand the lazy mentality. I would start by making it simple. Have a few snacks within his reach that do not need prep work (washed apples low in fridge, crackers on counter, a bag with cut up cheese in the fridge, etc.). Show him where the snacks are and let him know that if he wants a snack, he can choose one of those items. The next time he is hungry, remind him of where his choices are and if he is hungry enough, he can go get one of the items. On a day where it really does not matter what your son wears, have him pick out his own outfit. It may not match, but he will be dressed. I have told my son after a shower that if he does not want to dry himself off, he can stand there freezing (not really freezing) until he is ready to dry off. He has also lost the chance to go to the movies before because he claimed he could not dry himself off, he whined so long, we would have been late.
I have a funny story. Have you ever seen the episode of the Walton's where Ma Walton goes on strike? I did something similar. I got so fed up with my 3 kids not doing their chores, helping out, whining, etc, that I said I was going to stop being mom. And I did for 1 week. I didn't wash their clothes or help with homework or make meals or anything. I didn't even wash dishes. They soon learned how much they would miss me if I wasn't there. Things improved for quite a while. But overall, if you don't follow up with definitive changes in your own attitudes and actions nothing will ultimately be learned. I agree with the last poster. You need a plan of action. You can't undo it all in one week. Go slow and treat it just like school. You are training your child in these areas as well as in school. Work at it progressively and diligently. Maybe even plan it into the curriculum!
What about chores? I will admit, I still pick out my 8 year olds clothes. The reasoning: I can not trust him to pick out something that matches and don't want him going to school looking like a nutjob. But anyways, he has chores and it has truly helped him become more independant. He straightens his bed, feeds the cats, takes care of his pet rat, vacuums the play room, and puts dishes away. Those are the things that he is responsible for every day/week/whenever it's needed.
Your ds is only 7, right? I certainly wouldn't call that a parenting fail. I would start by giving him a few chores that have to be done before playtime. If you want him to be more independent in getting snacks or a drink, for instance, provide easy access to cups and snack food.
start with tackling one challenge per week. Week one...snacks; if he doesn't want to go get his own, I guess he's not really that hungry Week two...clothes; no breakfast till he is dressed (if he is a slow starter in the mornings you may want to have him lay out his clothes the night before) week three...personal hygiene. He needs to be capable of bathing, brushing his teeth, combing his hair, etc. on his own. Is he really lazy or does he just like to grumble?
Picking out clothes is a great time to teach little boys color sense. My ds does a great job now of taking the time to match his clothes most days. Now if we can work on making socks match lol. As to letting them do things for themselves it is really important. I get so tired of seeing grown men act like children incapable of doing anything for themselves. My friend has to get her husband cereal for pete's sake because he doesn't know how supposedly...????? I would hate to think I would have raised my child to be so completely devoid of essential life skills. Most people, men especially, end up living on their own as adults before marriage. It is really important to me that my son has learned enough to take care of himself and to garner him favor in finding a good wife. I tell him women will love you for you but they will love you more if you are capable. Taking laundry to the laundry room or at the very least picking it up. Taking care in ones own appearance by good grooming on their own. Cleaning up after using the toilet. Taking care of pets, with the occassional reminders, picking up toys, helping me with carrying big things to grow muscles. All important in learning life skills around the house. While it can be gratifying as a mother to step in and do these things for them it isn't teaching them self sufficience they will need later in life. At first there is the groaning and moaning and whining about doing these things. But if you phase them in one thing at a time and tell them why you think it is important they learn to do these things for themselves after several months I guarantee improvements.
Made me chuckle. :lol: I'm not sure about that, he does grumble a lot, but today he refused to get anything to eat until I told him, if he wasn't hungry enough to get some food then we'd just get back to school work. I think he's being stubborn too. So... I guess it's something I'll have to take slow. We've been working on hygeine because it's about the only area he has started not wanting my help. Thanks for your help. Makes me feel a little better.
Someone said maid and it makes me think of this... Do you give an allowance each week (are you in a position where you can)? If so, start charging for your services. 25 cents to do this, 25 cents to do that type of thing (you set the fee depending on the task and the amount that you give). At the end of the week when allowance is "due", you could say "Oh darn, I did XX, XX, XX and XX and it cost you XXX from your allowance. Such a shame, you could have saved all that money by doing it yourself. I guess we can try again next time" or something like that. If he kicks and bucks about it, you could encourage him to start doing for himself to prevent losing the allowance in the future. Maid services cost outside of your home, inside your home should be no different - your time is just as valuable. If you aren't in a position for allowances, you could use poker/bingo chips to reward them for completing their chores. Decide on a reward with your sons input (something that is do-able... take away priveleges they have (video games, computer time, etc) and use those as bait. They earn the time by earning poker/bingo chips. We made a poster and put it in an obvious place for the boys to be able to see it on a regulat basis. At the end of each week, the poker chips they had accumulated were reset back to zero. We didn't do this for running a maid service BUT we did do this when we were trying to change some undesirable behaviours. Took a couple weeks for it to catch on here but it did (especially when the fines out-weighed what we alloted for allowance). Good luck
Many many kids have been taught "fashion sense" by picking out their own clothes and being teased at school for it. It only stings for a little while, before they learn that most people think plaid doesn't go with polka dots and red and green only go together at Christmas...
As much as I get what you're saying, my son is already self conscious enough about his stuttering/speech issues. I'm not about to put teasing on him on purpose when he already struggles with feeling 'normal'.
I'm sorry, Jen, that was meant as a joke, as what "school advocate" people (the "everyone needs to always be in school for its social benefits" people) would say -- I should have marked it clearly instead of just a wink.
Oh goodness, no worries...don't worry about it. I should have taken the 'wink' as a sign. I have been sick the last few days so I'm not really on my 'A' game. *sigh*...I should really take a nap. lol I see now what you meant. :love:
