As many are aware, Tracy's mom passed away in November. Her husband brought the apartment key to us a couple weeks ago and said that what ever was in the apartment Tracy could have. The only thing that was specifically to go to someone was the bed her parents had given her... they took it back to their home. The only thing Tracy had wanted was the washer and fridge (because both of ours are on the blitz). The boys haven't asked for anything which is fine by me. My phone has been ringing off the hook for almost a month now... XX wants this, XX wants that. Grammy is even in on it (which blows my mind... anything of any value is what people are asking for). Offers from an aunt to help with cleaning out the apartment have proven to be a selfish motive on her part. She's more interested in what she might be able to have (that came out in a conversation a little earlier this afternoon). We went out today to clean up the apartment some (and to meet a cousin there so she could take what she wanted)... she brought a friend with her, who was eye balling different things. I had suggested that the sofa, glider rocker and recliner could go to the church to be used by our youth (I guess someone else has plans for those items though). I finally (snapped) tonight and told Tracy to go get what it is he wants and to throw the key at the vultures and wash his hands of it. I have NEVER for the life of me witnessed such greed as what we are seeing now... absolutely unreal. What do we do? Would you just throw the key at them and say have at it?
I personally would have a problem with everybody else coming in and just picking what they wanted. I think I would go in (the key having been given to ME) and move every single thing OUT and donate it to whomever I wished (the key having been given to ME, after all, presumably to dispose of as I see fit) - the church youth group, Salvation Army, a thrift store, my kids, a homeless shelter, an auction house.... or just take what you want and throw the key at the vultures for the rest. That is sooooo disheartening.
When I was talking to mom about this when it all started she said something similar happened when nanny passed away years ago... dad's siblings circled like vultures waiting (and fighting) for things that belonged to nanny. I just can't imagine it. I could understand if it was something you had given to the loved one that you wanted to keep as a memory but the things they're circling for is absolutely unreal. Heart breaking at best
I am so sorry you are the one who has to referee this. I'm afraid I would just have a huge garage sale and not tell the family. That is so sad. This is why I am so glad my great grandmother started a tradition with her kids where everyone put his or her name on anything they wanted while she was still living. Then bit by bit she gave it all away to said person before she died. every one was happy and no one felt like vultures picking through the leftovers. My g-mother has continued this practice and I have been given some things that had put my name on as a child. The actual giving of these items have created some wonderful memories for us as a family. the standing joke is "Can I have this when you die?" It sounds morbid, but for us it's fun and creates alot of funny stories to be passed down.
I remember thinking my husband's family was crazy for doing the same thing with his grandmother. We were dating and everyone was over there for Christmas. They were all walking around with little stickers putting names on granny's things. When she passed away, everyone just took the things they had put their name on. It was so much better than when my grandmother passed away and her kids fought over anything that had value. Now, I think it's a pretty good idea.
My jaw is sitting on my desk top right now... I'm stunned I went out to Tracy's mom's apartment this morning to pick up a quilt and give it to someone which it would have a special meaning to (it was something she won in a draw and gave to Esther and I wanted to give it back to her... never did find it). I walked in and the place is pretty much cleaned out (the freezer, recliner, rocking chair, sofa, stereo (which Andrew had asked for), shelving units off the wall) We were there on Tuesday morning cleaning with some of his aunts and uncles and had to leave earlier than the rest did because Tracy had to be at work. We labelled things that were to go to the church or to someone who actually 'needed' the items... guess not! When we left, they took what they wanted, locked up and left!! How do you forgive in a case like this? I'm just numb by it all. I hope they don't expect me to show up to any family gatherings anytime soon... NOT going to happen (not a very Christ-like attitude but greed of this magnitude just blows my mind).
To my knowledge there was no formal executor other than her husband... he passed the key to the apartment to Tracy leaving everything to him (hind site makes me wonder if there had questions asked to him for this and that causing him to give Tracy the key). Ultimately, she should have had a will made out (she knew she was dying and knew that her time was limited)... she should have decided before she passed who she wanted to have what but it's something that can't be changed. I guess it's something we can and need to learn from. Tracy was going to call around to see who took what but I said just drop it at this point. Obviously someone with everything, "needed" the items more than someone who has very little... Just very disheartening to see greed surface in this form
First of all, my condolences to you and your hubby. This is something that you don't get over in a few months and people never seem to help. When I lost my mom this is how we did it, you can do it that way if you think it will work for you. First, go get whatever your hubby or kids might want and whatever is not of family value that you might want to donate in her memory. Then do this: Invite the closest relatives: all sons, daughters, sisters, brothers, grandchildren- and others, but ONLY those who were close to hubby's mom(maybe cousins who visited regularly or a neighbor she was particularly close to or a neighbor's child who stopped over for cookies every week). Starting with the closest relative and then broken down by age (eg - the oldest sibling, next oldest, to youngest, then the oldest child, next oldest on to youngest and on down the list), they each get to pick an item to remember mother by. Their choice of anything left. One rule - no complaining or arguing. Discussion is allowed - for example you might hear "I am torn between the yellow tea cup and saucer and the bowl she used to make cookies in - does anyone else want one of those? I'll take the other one". That would be allowed. This would not "Why do you get to pick first? I was closer to her. I shovelled her sidewalks every winter". When everyone has had a first choice, you go again, and you keep going until eventually everyone has everything they want. The rest goes to a charity of your choice. That is what we did with my mom's things and it worked fairly well. You will NEVER avoid all conflict, but if things are organized and someone takes charge, things will go a lot more smoothly. Wishing you the best and hope it all works out! {{{BIG HUGS}}}
When my great grandmothers parents passed away (LONG before I was born) she walked in right after the funeral to see her brothers and sisters dumping out drawers and throwing stuff around looking for valuables. She picked up the family Bible that hand been thrown on the floor and left. She never spoke to them again. Because of this, my stance is this...take what you want. There is nothing in this world that is worth that much stress to me. My parents refuse to have a will. My sister believes she gets the house, but what she doesn't realize is the house will have to be sold to cover the massive amount of debt they have. She told me that we could take over the debt, and that's where I draw the line. I'm not going into 100,000's of dollars in debt (yes, it's THAT bad) so she can have the house I'm sorry you are going through this!
It's not YOUR debt! It should come out of the estate. My mom had been promised a corner hutch by her g'ma (my "Maw-maw"). But G'ma got it right away, and for some reason she got mad at Mom and told her she'd never get it. G'ma had a stroke and was in a nursing home for several years. Mom and her one brother (with another sister's occasional help) made sure that SOMEONE was there to visit her every single day. The other brothers (who all lived out of town) sent letters at least twice a month. Well, when G'ma died, Mom told me that she would love the hutch, but she knew she would never get it. What she DIDN'T know was that her brother here in town wrote to the other boys and told them that he felt Mom should get it, because Maw-maw had promised it, and she had shouldered so much of the responsibility for G'ma while she was sick. And ALL the boys AGREED! Mom was SO thrilled!
I had been talking to mom about all of this on different occasions because I was so upset about it when she brought up her own will (suggesting that Esther really should have had one in place). LOL, poor mom is telling me where her will is etc. I think she forgot she had sent a copy of it to me when I snickered and told her. My alarm clock doesn't have a light dimmer on it and I hate that it shines in my face while I sleep so mom's will actually covers up the bright light (we had a good chuckle over it) :lol: I can't imagine my sisters or brother doing this kind of thing in the event of mom's passing. We weren't raised to believe that money was the "be all that ends all". Tracy called an uncle and found out where the stereo went. His uncle said he would deliver it to the house and Tracy told him not to bother with it, that it obviously had greater value to them... then he hung up and hasn't heard anything more. What bothers me most about it all is the amount of greed that has surfaced (and this happening from professing Christians). No one asked for anything which would have sentimental value... it's what has a dollar tag to it which absolutely shocks me beyond words. My oldest son had asked about the hibatchi (?sp) bbq because he had bbq'd with his grammy on occasion, Noah the television they used to snuggle up and watch movies on. The stereo had a cassette in it that was recorded of him doing his Bible verses for AWANA in it that she used to listen to. Silly little things but something that had meaning to them. Oh well, God knows about it
I am so sorry you guys are having to go through this. It is just a shame when grownups stop acting like grownups.
When my granny died my mom and her older sister wanted to let all the grandkids come in and pick one thing they wanted then, the 3 sisters take turns picking what they wanted then sell the rest and split the money. Well the youngest who hadn't came to visit my granny in years, insisted they price everything first and anybody who wanted anything had to buy it-including grandkids and her 2 sisters! I hate to see how my brother will act when my parents die. I want a few things, but honestly, nothing much of any value, but I bet a couple of things will be in a pawn store before I can say I'd like to have them for my kids...Which is fine, I'm not going to fight with him over things. I'll say though, nothing sickens me more than to watch family members fight over a loved ones things after they pass. I've told my husband, when we draw up a will, it will say if they kids fight over anything, it all goes to charity and neither one of them will get a dime! If they are greedy when I'm old and dead, maybe my final lesson to them will be not to be greedy!
My grandma had 11 children, 9 of them survived childhood to grow into adulthood. Can't say they all became adults though. She was at our house almost every weekend because the others lives were so busy, they didn't have time for her. She barely made ends meet, and our family bought most of her furniture. When her stereo gave out Dad got one for her, and also gave her a fully paid subscription to Reader's Digest Album of the Month club for 5 years. We were all supposed to meet at grandma's apartment at 10 am the day after her funeral to clean out the apartment. When we pulled up at 9:45, there were all the aunt's and uncle's with the contents of grandma's apartment loaded on trailers and in vehicles. There was very little left in the apartment. Dad proceeded to thank them for bringing all his possessions down the stairs, showed them the receipts for every item and asked if they wanted to bring it to our house or help load it in the truck that he had coming? He went there willing to divide everything equally because our house was already fully furnished. Their greed ticked him off and he took everything that he had a receipt for. The only one that didn't participate was the youngest uncle. He lives out of state and had said he only wanted a couple of items to remember his mom by... Dad took the truck to his house because they were on hard times. He gave him everything that my uncle had a need for. Yet when my mom passed and dad had to go to a home my brother didn't shine like his father did. He had power of attorney over dad. He didn't tell me he was putting dad in a home until it was a done deed. He had put the house up for sale and emptied it of everything of value and most of the personal things. Then he dropped the news to me and said to come there to split things up. Even then, a few things were found of value and he had the nerve to ask for them. I took what was a good memory, argued for him to take two things off of his truck and walked away. My other brother passed away years ago, this is my only other sibling. Sad! We don't talk much.
My mom has been for a couple of months now giving each of us specific things she wants us to have, and offering us our choices of what other things we might want to have "later". She's got something picked out for each great-grand for a keepsake, and each grand, and some things already given or "saved for" the three sibs that survive (we've lost two brothers already), and her own sibs. My baby brother's in jail with no idea when he might actually get out (he's eligible for parole next year some time, but the "victims" could block it) so it's hard to try to "keep" stuff for him. She doesn't want any arguing or greediness, and has felt for a long time that this is the way she wants to do it. If anything's not spoken for, we'll have an estate sale, I guess.
You know, I wish Mom had picked out something for each of my kids while she was alive. Not because of greed or anything. There's just me and my brother, and neither of us are that way. But it would have been nice, after the funeral, if Dad could have given each of the kids something that "Grandma wanted you to have this to remember her...." I think it would have been special for them.
This happened to our family too. My grandmother (Baba) got really sick and we were told she wouldn't have very long. My Aunt flew in to see her and while she was there went up to her "room" (she had an apartment in our house) and helped herself to everything she wanted. My two grown cousins (Aunt's sons) did the same. Well Baba was sent home and started asking about stuff...Dad told her that Aunt and Cousins took it, she called them each up and told them that they weren't welcome at her funeral and that they were no family of hers. Then she called for me to come upstairs, I went and she told me that everything in her room was mine if I wanted it when she died. I asked her for only two things, a music box that I gave her one year for Christmas and that she played all the time, and a framed cross stitch-y like thing that hung in her home for as long as I could remember. It said Life is Fragile handle with Prayer. She told me it was mine to have and I could take it now if I liked. I left them there, and then when she passed I asked Daddy if I could have them he told me that everything in the room was mine if I wanted it. I didn't. I only wanted those two things, and then as I was helping daddy clean up and pack up the room I found her Bible and asked for it. The music box and picture got lost in a military move, but I still have her Bible and the bookmarks she had in it are still there. I hate to see greed in families at times like this. Hubby and I said that as we get older we will ask each child what they'd like to have, and put it in our will, making sure that every child and grand-child is mentioned by name and given something of value to them. Everything else will be donated to charity to avoid such greed.
