Should we be encouraging my 16 year old to develop a his own social life? My 16 year old, handsome, intelligent, talented son was homeschooled until 8th grade. He did public school last year as a freshman. Then we moved. He did public school at the new school but begged to come back to homeschooling for 2 months, so he is back at home but in the new state he can participate at the school. He takes 2 classes (band and chorus) and is in marching band and an extracurricular chorus. Also did the school play which took about 2 months. Ds says he has plenty of friends at school, but dh and I (especially dh) are concerned because nothing has developed to take these friendships out of the school arena. He doesn't go to a friends house (this happened once only and my son had the same guy over here once), doesn't go to the mall on weekends, or go to movies, etc. It is strictly at-school kinds of friendships. So, on the one hand, one could say that he is not comfortable enough with the kids he's meeting to take it to that next level, or there is no one that my son feels that close to. But on the other hand, dh watched his sister stay at home every weekend and watch TV with her mother. That sister is now 55 and single. Dh feels she took the easy way as a teenager, never forcing herself to go outside of her comfort zone, and has paid the price by being single (and depressed). It's not that my son is unpopular. He says he has plenty of folks he talks to at school, and I've seen him at school events and certainly seems to talk and laugh with people easily. He mentioned that one of his female friends told him, "You are the coolest kid I've ever met." We're concerned that he'd rather stay at home playing video games than have to take the chance by asking someone to do something with him. It can be awkward to say, "Hey, do you want to go to the mall this weekend?" and you worry about being rejected. We are encouraging him to have a little get-together at our house and he is dragging his feet about it. Is this something we should be encouraging or not?
Well I did not have many friends in highschool. I made lots of acquaintances along the way and a couple of good friends. I think if he is happy leave him be for now. If he seems bored or unhappy then maybe a youth group at church. But due to his age a good sit down talk with him may clear things up for you. Often parents have concerns that kids don't. I am sure he will marry so don't let that concern you now. Let him focus on his goals for his future. He can always make friends along the way with whatever education/career path he chooses.
My dh and my ds are by nature, not exactly social butterflies! They are generally well liked by people they meet(with a few exceptions,LOL), and have good interaction skills. But they hate, HATE outside social activities. They prefer fishing together, or working on tractors. Dh has one or two good friends, ds is still working on the friends thing(he's 8) but generally, they're pretty happy to be left alone. They're not "joiners",they do not do well in group activities. This may just be your son's personality and not a "problem" that needs to be fixed. He doesn't appear to be shy or awkward, so if he's not unhappy, let him be.
As long as your son isn't "afraid" to meet new people, hesitant to talk to people; strangers or people he knows, I do not see a problem. Not every person likes to be in the crowd. My dad and sister can't stand it. My husband would rather be alone sitting on the bench in the backyard with his nose in a book. As for your sil, she is one person and her experiences shouldn't be used to compare your son with. It isn't fair to him. He is his own person with his own reasons. My dad married and has five children. My sister married and is a psychologist with two children. My husband married and has three children. While he is very quiet, he has more friends than I can count. I always tease him that we will need to rent a coliseum for his funeral. I never realized how many lives he has touched until I started attending work functions with him and started having more people come to the house to visit. I was thinking, perhaps your son is very selective as to who he wants to spend his time with. That can be a good thing. Perhaps he doesn't feel the need to be part of the crown in order to be accepted. Maybe he is confident and not self-conscious. Some people simply like to be alone sometimes. With all that said, I do not know how often he plays video games. Perhaps you should try taking them away or cut back to only a half hour a day and no weekends. See what happens.
I agree... personality really matters. If someone tried to force me into making friends and doing "social" things, I'd go crazy. My dh and I are both very laid-back, quiet people. We like going out with each other, but not going out just for the sake of going out. I'm not comfortable in a room full of "friends". Yes, I have lots of friends, and no I don't have any trouble talking to people. I just prefer to be alone most of the time. Does that make sense?
Thanks for your thoughts, everybody. I just want to say that this boy is very sociable. The problem is initiative. If someone asked him to go to the mall, or to their house, or to Friendly's, he'd be there in a second. He enjoys being around people. Dh and I are concerned that homeschooling has made our kids' lives so easy that they lack initiative. Mommy and Daddy have always been around to organize playdates, and book clubs, and homeschooling group outings. And now as a teen, he seems to lack the initiative to do it himself. And I do suspect that he is unhappy with the situation, but just doesn't want to make the effort. On weekends, he's spending time on the computer and video games. We limit how much of those things he can do so then on weekends he is bored when he is not doing the electronics. So, that's why we're pushing him. It's the lack of motivation.
My first thought when I first saw it was that he asked to be homeschooled again for a reason... maybe he doesn't like some of what he see's in the PS system? My 16 year old has only just started to really get out there and socialize a bit BUT he has chosen the security of his brothers friends. I wouldn't push him too much... when he's ready to get out there, he'll go (and you might be wishing for this time to come back). There's a lot of pressure in being a teenager these days and I'm of the thinking maybe he just isn't ready for that pressure (or just doesn't like it). At the end of the day, he's going to grow up and have a strong network of friends.
I'd let it go, let him develop things on his own. BTW, I have a 16yo daughter who's smart, friendly, responsible kid....
I would encourage him to be more social. It sounds like if he gets past the initial "hump" of asking someone to do something he will be fine. If he is planning on going to college, I would say this is a must. On the other hand, he does sound like he is fine with kids in a certain element or backdrop. I think the get-together at home is a great start.
I agree with most of the posters, that he is probably comfortable and is just learning to understand himself. Sounds like he is doing great, to me. I had a couple of ideas to encourage interaction. As one poster suggested, a good, large, active teen youth group would be great! My daughter really came into herself and found friends and support from her church youth group. If you have to, go to a different church that holds similar beliefs to find one. You don't have to change churches - most youth groups encourage kids from other churches or unchurched ones. Don't be afraid to meet and interview the youth pastor/leader. The leader makes the youth group! My daughter is now in college and her church group is still the center of her life. I credit this to the wonderful youth group she was in throughout high school. Another way to get him "into" the social scene is to schedule a party yourself. Tell him to invite his friends over for pizza, or a cookout, or a video game frenzy. Kids of that age find it hard to refuse a "party".
I wouldn't worry one bit about it. When he wants too or has to he will. I disagree with CokeZero its isn't a must if he goes to college. My oldest is shy but we put her in college and she is doing great. Every person on this earth are different in his or her own way, we all do things different doesn't make us bad. I would leave him alone count your blessing he isn't out drinking and doing drugs.
He is already in a large, active youth group at church. I think my dh and I have always differentiated between "networks" and "friends". We don't like to use the word friend to loosely. So, my son has no shortage of "networks". He does band and chorus at school and after school, school play, youth group at church. But there seems to be no effort to try to change those networks into friendships. Countrygal, the party idea is exactly what we've been trying to do. We told him to invite a few friends over. There is a game that my son enjoys that he has gone to parties where this game is played and had a great time. It's a great excuse to invite people over because you need 8-15 people to play. He knows (because we've had parties for our kids before) that we will have plenty of pizza, snacks, and whatever else is needed to make this happen. But now that he's in school, I don't know these kids so I can't call their moms to make it happen. He needs to get the contact information or "friend" them on Facebook and he's not doing it. It's frustrating. Oh well. I feel like he's missing out on closer friendships, but maybe I'll just drop it for now.
