So this morning.. I made a terrible booboo. Dd is doing AWESOME with her reading. I'm SO SO proud of her. We are taking a break from new phonics rules and doing a TON of review. So I decided it was time to start committing a few really easy words to memory, so she wouldn't have to sound them out. I picked an, am, all, etc. Very easy, and she CAN sound them out easily, so all was good so far. Stupid me- flush with the success of how incredibly well she's doing, today I asked her to give me a sentence for each word. Stupid, stupid. She did ok on the first two, then stumbled on the third one. She forgot I asked for a sentence, and instead started giving me longer words that contained the short word in them. 'Tall' for all, for instance. And.. when I said, no honey that isn't what I want, she started to cry. I forgot.. I forgot. My poor little phobic girl- too much of a jump for her. She isn't ready to 'play' with words like that just yet. Last week my booboo was when I was trying to be funny- she said 'which' for 'with', and I said in a joking voice, "where's the 'ch' in that word?" And she cried. This is all so hard for her... and reading has always felt as natural as breathing to me. I forget it isn't about her KNOWING the information, it's about what she's comfortable with, and what sparks off her fear. And I think, at the very pinnacle of that fear, is the complete terror that I'll think she's not smart, either, just like the ps teachers did. And I remind her, every day, 100x a day, that she is super bright, and that I'm extremely proud of her. I think tomorrow I'll remind her that we can't learn if we don't make mistakes, and that making mistakes doesn't mean we can't learn something. The greatest injustice school did to her was dumbing it all down, again and again, because they thought she couldn't get it. They didn't hold her to the standard, and instead of saying, R try THIS instead of THAT, they just said well.. we don't expect you to get it anyway, so here, just color the pictures. Or here, we'll just skip your turn. I don't think they actually ever told her she was dumb, but they certainly left her feeling like she was. And I hear you all- that's the beauty of homeschooling. I CAN hold her to the standard, in a way that she can learn it. It isn't about pushing to hard or too fast, it's about knowing she'll get there, and convincing her she'll get there, too. Fast or slow, doesn't matter, but we don't do kids any favors when we let them off the hook altogether. I apologize that this is long winded and rambling.. it's just so hard sometimes because my heart aches for her. She's SOOOO smart- so smart. She picks stuff up incredibly fast. Even reading- her progress is amazing. But that poor kid.. none of it is easy. She has to fight her fear every second. And sometimes I stumble and accidently let that fear out, when I should be holding it back so she can move past it. You don't have to read this. I think.. I just needed to confess it. My heart aches.. oh it aches. I am so very sorry that we ever put her in ps. They damaged both of my kids in ways that make me SOOOO angry. But with dd.. they all-but crippled her. And I try to let it go- it's over, it doesn't matter any more. But looking into her beautiful little face, watching her spark and enthusiasm for life turn brittle and thin when she realizes that it's READING this morning. Every new word in the flashcard deck is a moment of panic, every new activity, no matter how 'fun' it's supposed to be, lets it burble to the surface. And most of all, is my regret... regret that I left her in ps too long. Regret that I can't make this easy for her. Regret that I can't be perfect, that I can't do it RIGHT. Regret that this particular little girl, as close to an actual angel as I'll ever get, who spends her time taking care of everyone else, has to fight this all by herself. And I will hold her hand, and be there for her, but I can't do it FOR her. It's just not enough sometimes. ***adding: I don't know that ps actually told her to just color the picture, etc. Actually, what I know they DID do was to constantly do it FOR her. They didn't give her time to learn the skills, they just filled it in like she had. She's told me that they gave her other work to do than the other kids, but doesn't know if it was extra or instead of the same stuff. Just wanted to clarify- the end result was the same: they still implied she couldn't do it like "regular" kids, so they had to bend the rules.**
ugh, that poor kid! Good job, mom, for knowing what she needs and being able to do the right thing for her. Believe me, the guilt over a percieved mistake is just part of the "mom" package. We all do it over one thing or another. Just get through each battle one day at a time and eventually her confidence will improve. It does get better.
Sounds like you are doing great in taking time to hold her hand through her fears. My dd felt she was stupid the beginning of this year because her brother is a natural reader and for her its really hard. But you know what she is reading now and impressing herself. She wouldn't have gotten there with a lot of pushing but got there through consistency in taking one day at a time. And if that meant she was too frustrated at the moment I was ready we would leave it alone and move on to something else. It comes when they aren't stressed. Let her relax and relax with her. Your angel will be reading to you before you know it. Flashcards can be really daunting too so perhaps put them away in favor of something less stress inducing for your daughter. I use the whiteboard a lot and give my daughter small word endings and ask her to use the alphabet to help her make up the beginning sounds. It has worked more for her because she loves drawing so she will draw little pictures with a lot of the words she writes and therefore it became fun for her. Hang in there
You know, another idea to take the pressure off of her.... I had as student once who bombed a test. She really did try, but isn't quite there yet. Well, the principal wanted a list of "rules" posted in each classroom. One of my rules was "Do your very best". So when this little girl went into meltdown because of doing poorly on her test, I stopped and asked her what my rule said. She read it to me. "DID you do your very best?" "YES!!!" "Well, then, you followed my rule. I can't ask you to do any more. So now it's MY problem, not yours. If you're doing the best you can and still can't understand, then it's MY job to figure out how to explain it so you CAN understand. All I can say is that I better start doing my job!" Suddenly in her mind the pressure was OFF of her and ON me.
Jackie I love it! That's the same thing I've said to my 8 yo over and over when we were trying to get his reading to improve. He wouldn't understand a word and he'd get all upset. I would ask him are you doing your best to read the words, "yes, mama" so I'd tell him "Ok, then that's all I can ask of you, it's my job to teach you these words and help you read, so as long as you are doing your best then it's me who has to improve." He loved it. Now when he asks for help with something he says "mama, I did my best but I don't understand ______________, can you please teach me it differently?" It's made our school experience so much easier. Honestly another thing that's helped is that I've removed the pressure for him to perform, if he can read it quickly great, if not that's great too as long as he's trying and making an effort I accept it. He's only 8 after all and there's plenty of time to improve.
Jackie's answer is awesome. One thing I would like to add whenever giving feedback start with something positive. For example if you were asking for a sentence and she gave you a bigger word containing the root word you were working on you could say something like. "Great, you used our word in a bigger word, I haven't even asked you to do that yet. Now lets try our little word in a sentence.
I love all these answers! I also want to add - give yourself a break. Every teacher makes mistakes. The important thing is acknowledge to your student that it WAS a mistake, apologize, and then learn from it, so that you can do better next time. In other words - you're modeling how to deal with mistakes for your student. My son struggles with perfectionism and anxiety, which is an unfortunate since he's also got a learning disability which means he'll never be "perfect" no matter how hard he tries. We struggled for years over learning to write. Whenever I saw him starting to fall apart, I'd have him stop and BREATHE. I'd tell him, "take a deep breath, close your eyes, and let it all go." Then, when he was calm again, we'd move on to something else. I had frequent chats with him (when he was relaxed and ready to listen) about the fact that when he allows himself to get upset, it completely derails the lesson. And when that happens there's no learning at all going on. He wasn't deliberately being naughty, but there was often an element of "it's all about me" in his meltdowns. So we'd talk about that, too. And we practiced what he needed to say when he felt himself getting upset. "I'm frustrated." "I'm getting upset." "This is hard!" "That hurt my feelings." Getting him to actually say how he feels, instead of crying or yelling, made a big difference. I also taught him to say, "Excuse me," and go for a short walk, whenever he needed to clear his head. Learning to "learn" is sometimes the hardest lesson of all. *hug*
