Hi everyone, I am dealing with my brother in law who is a retired primary Headteacher. I'm bristling at everything he says right now. I don't know whether it's my attitude or his that is the problem (or in reality probably both) but I *feel* that he's undermining me when he constantly talks of developmental changes in children. I prefer to let my child's development unfold rather than always be talking about what they are going to do next or what *stage* they are at. My BIL will often point things out to me about my child with this air of "do you see that?" as if I hadn't noticed that before. I bristle when he makes suggestions for things to do with my kids because I feel that he views me as being at a loss for ideas in some way. Recently he started to try to tell me how to teach my child something that I do all the time as my profession. I really took offense at this, perhaps being oversensitive, but I felt it was a step over the line. The conversation became a bit terse and then he started saying some passive aggressive things and although I was polite, I came away afterwards feeling very emotionally bruised. He had to help me a lot when I've had some issues recently including an injury and he's great a lot of them time but now I feel a bit smothered. it's like he loved feeling like a rescuer and now I am getting myself together again he is getting resentful. I feel like I've opened a door to be polite and now he's got a wedge in it! When he plays with my child he is very inventive and does lots of fun things which is great but he makes me feel as though I should be doing these things when I have a different way of being with my kids. I feel that the relationship is becoming unhealthy and codependent and don't know how to close it down a little without hurting his feelings. His kids have grown up and he has been dealing with a bereavement of another family member and I think he's missing the time when his lot were young. My partner says I'm being oversensitive but I'm losing my confidence as a parent and teacher to my child! I even found myself losing my temper with her today and then thinking he was right and that somehow I am inadequate!
He may indeed have all those issues going on inside him and not even realize it. No need to let his interactions with your child make you feel less adequate -- each person who interacts with a child -- parent, grandparent, aunt/uncle, or anybody else -- has their own way of doing it, and nothing about that makes one person's way any less special or unique than any other. All go together to give a child a "balanced" view of the world and how people are. You don't have to be the same way as he is just because it's a good way. Your way is just as good or better, his is just different. As long as it's fun and not inappropriate in any kind of way, let him be the uncle and you be the parent, and both enjoy your child's company. Actually, I find public-school-people (especially ones who have been in it long enough to be a retired administrator) tend to think they're the only ones who "know children"... so see if you can forgive him for "instructing" you in how to educate. No one knows a child like the parent.
I'm thinking... two things I guess. First (and maybe the irritating part) is that he is right to a certain extent. There ARE certain stages children go through. For instance: I've found three year olds to be generally very friendly and helpful. They love to "clean" and help around the house. Four year olds are little animals, and I used to think it was my favorite age... until I actually knew some four year olds. Now, I think they are mouthy, argumentative, and they hit a lot. Even my super-sweet dd was a brat at 4. And sometimes, for me anyway, it HELPS to realize kids go through stages. My ds can be... a difficult child. A friend with an older dd with a nearly identical personality is my touchstone: her advice and understanding has saved my sanity on more than one occasion. And it also helps when dealing with other children- having an idea of WHY so-and-so's child is being bratty today (that it's age related) helps me be more patient. There are also weird things like... kids are VERY concrete until they hit 7, which helps me be a better teacher. In an every day context, of course, every child is different though. A family member has a three year old right now.. who is a complete brat. Which means... the ages-stages isn't cast in stone. So what I'm saying is... his advice DOES have value... but you have to look at it very generally. Just because MOST children act a certain way doesn't mean it applies to your child. So pick what helps, and ignore what doesn't. No matter what he says about the 'next stage', it won't necessarily apply to YOUR children. And it sounds like he's going through a difficult time right now. Try to be patient with him, but back up. I think he sounds like he's trying to help (except for the passive aggressive part) but you don't have to be around to accept that help. If you like the games that he comes up with, use them.... if you WANT to. You are their mom. Back in the days when children were to be seen and not heard, and were apprenticed to work at 12, we produced Ben Franklin and a host of other really famous creative people. Your children aren't going to suffer if you aren't killing yourself inventing learning opportunities.
I agree a lot with Meghan. Use what you want, what can be helpful, and ignore the rest. How often do you see him? Is it a daily thing, or a weekly thing? If you feel too smothered by him maybe there is a way to get some space for a while. My MIL was like this when I had my first son..... once I was able to leave the house a few days a week so she didn't just drop by things got better. HTH!
Yes, I totally agree with you...it's not that anything he's saying is wrong, and he's supportive of me homeschooling even though I suspect deep down he probably thinks I'm making a mistake. I guess it's more of a thing where the way his attitude when he says these things is getting overbearing and bossy. I suspect he is trying to feel needed but it's coming off as that know it all attitude people get when they are seeing themselves as indispensable. He's critical and dismissive of my parenting friends and also of the things I find inspiring which reinforces this slightly possessive and jealous air. Pecan, I only normally see him once a week but recently we spent a couple of weeks on a family holiday... I think I'm going to have to limit our interaction for a bit to let him cool off. I feel like he's missing something since retiring from his old job and he's focusing too much on me and my child at the moment. His eldest daughter is trying for a baby and it hasn't happened yet, so I think that might have some bearing too. Lindina "see if you can forgive him for "instructing" you in how to educate. No one knows a child like the parent." - Wise words... I'm meditating on this. As I'm writing this I'm feeling that it's not really the information that he's delivering that is wrong albeit generalized, but the unsolicited nature of it. It's more of a boundary thing and as I'm new to homeschooling it's another thing I'm going to get a whole load of opinions about in the same way that I did when breastfeeding for instance. I have to stop feeling this is about me and that this is really about him and where he is right now. I felt like he was spoiling for a fight, albeit verbally, so he could reinforce his negative self worth and I need to back away and get my priorities in sight. He's a powerful and interesting person who is great a lot of the time but like everybody else, he has his flaws and I have to work around them, accept them and learn to ignore them or make myself invisible when he's in a depressed mood. Oh the joy of families!
I still struggle with this from time to time. I've yet to reach a happy medium where I feel completely confident in my parenting. The people who know me best think I'm doing a great job. The people related to me find much to criticize. Sorry that's not really advice... but I can entirely empathize.
