When your child is "different"

My oldest son will be 8 this June. He is probably the most honest person I know. He doesn't lie, even if he knows it gets him in trouble. He's helpful, and innocent. Nice, right?

Actually, no. He has me worried. He is too truthful, yes, I think there is such a thing. He thinks that because he doesnt lie, no one else does either. He is too trusting, and cannot understand why there are bad people in the world. Why don't they want to be good. What's there to like about being bad, he asks.
He also thinks about things that might seem strange to others. We were listening to "this old man, he played one..." and he says, "mom, what does the old man look like?". As usual, his question caught me completely off guard. I had never ever thought about that. So we talked about it for a while, and he concluded that it must be a sort of mini-man, to be able to fit everywhere and play "knick-knack".

Another time, he asked how people know when to stop chewing and swallow. I asked him how he knew, and he said, "because I feel it". "Well, there you go", I said, hoping to end this topic. Instead, he says: "No, but that's how I know. How do you know that's how other people know. You cannot feel what they are feeling".

We're starting HS this fall, but I'm a bit worried about him. He is already completely clueless about how other people interact, how to filter out the false from the true information, and now with him home, won't he be even more sheltered? At the same time, my heart breaks every time he comes home and tells me something about someone who was mean to him. He has an extremely hard time dealing with it, because he cannot accept the fact that some people are just mean, and thats just the way it is.
He was devastated to learn that a classmate of his actually DOES NOT turn into a vampire at night, that she was making that up. He was really hurt to hear from me that she was just kidding. "But she said it was true, she said she wasn't kidding!".

I love him dearly, but honestly, my son is not high on the spectrum of intelligence, I think. I would rate him average. But socially, he really is lacking, and I dont know why or how.

I guess the point of my long rant is to ask how do you deal with a child like this, how to shelter him but not enough as to hide reality from him...
Thoughts?

 

Aww, I love your son's mind =) He's going to make an amazing friend to the right person.

 

Have you spoken to a child psychologist? It's probably covered by your health insurance. :|

 

I think the world needs more people who see things differently.

I wouldn't hesitate to homeschool due to the social issues. I personally believe they are best worked with at home and once he learns a new skill he can practice it in the community.

I would take a look at some products designed to help a child's social skills here. I would also check with a professional (doctor, pyschologist, speech therapist) to get further ideas or help.

 

I'd check with a professional on this one, too. There are a number of ways he can help you train your son to understand social situations.

Human beings are social creatures, and social understanding is usually hardwired into us. There are distinct stages of normal social development. A child who doesn't go through these stages (for example, learning to lie), and who can't understand common social situations, is just as disabled as a child who is blind or deaf.

A professional can help you figure out what the problem is, and can show you ways to help your son adapt. He's going to need support if he's going into high school, and even if you homeschool him - someday he's going to be out in the world without you. You have to give him the tools he needs so that people don't take advantage of him.

Your family doctor, or the local hospital, should be able to put you in touch with a child psychologist.

 

At the risk of freaking you out, might I suggest he be evaluated for Aspbergers? My son had absolutely no social skills. He honestly could not "get" a joke. He did not read body language or facial expressions, and he was extremely gullible. He was often the butt of jokes and yet had no idea he was being laughed at. I had to laugh at the part about your son asking about "this old man". My son was forever asking me strange random questions and was never satisfied with my easy answers. These kids think SO out of the box, and can be so intriguing. I would be willing to bet that your son is much more intelligent than you think, his brain just "speaks" a different language than most. My Aspie son is 21 now, and through years of behavior therapy and social training, he is the most engaging and sweet kid! Homeschooling gives you unlimited opportunities to help him maneuver those social landmines that he will encounter in the future. He can learn in the protection of his home how to deal with the negative in his world. Practice role playing. Read the book "The Out-of-Sync Child", sorry, cant remember the author. And celebrate the uniqueness of your child! I wish I knew him!!

 

Whoaaaaa on the bean dip and the professional. Your child is ok My son was like this completely up until last six months or so. It's ok. IF you take the time to explain social nuances to him. We have talked in the past year about social situation what is and isn't ok. I think children who think existentially are brillant. To think of questions that most wouldn't isn't a problem and you can always tell him that you don't have all the answers but you can search for the answers together. That's part of homeschooling isn't it? Learning to research to find answers. For example swallowing is a reflex action. Our brains send messages to nerve endings. Some messages we have to think about and some are reflexes like blinking, breathing, swallowing, they just happen I thought about taking my little thinking, motor mouth to a professional. But sadly professionals don't always have answers but they are happy to throw medicince on the fire and call the situation resolved. Is there truly anything to resolve? I understand your concern about his niavity but things like that are learned through social interaction and age. It's ok that he is honest. Honest men are hard to come by and treasured by the women they marry. Hug him when he is hurt by others 'lies' and explain the way of the world when you can. He will come to learn it in his own way and his own time.

 

A good professional won't just throw medicine at a child. My son started seeing a psychologist last year because of his anxiety and "medicine" was never once suggested. Instead the man evaluated our son, talked to him, gave him some strategies to try, and then he talked to me and made some suggestions for things I could do at home as well. We saw him once a month for about six months, then we stopped for awhile. We've got a checkup next month, and if all's well, we likely won't see him again.

This is the first year my son hasn't come out in hives due to stress. His headaches have stopped. And he's a lot happier. And now that I know what to look for, I can head things off before they get too serious.

My son's psychologist has been the voice of reason, many times. And my son seems more willing to listen to him, than us, even when he's saying the same things we are.

I'd say he was definitely worth the money... but our insurance paid for it all.

 

I can't say that your child is "ok." But I have an almost 19yo dear son that you could have been talking about. He is one of the most loving, honest, caring, strong people I know. His mind thinks waaaaay out side of the box and has always come up with questions that has everyone thinking, "Wow, where did you come up with that?" Along with, "Wow, I wish I would have thought of that question." I don't think any of us will ever understand the evil in the world but as children get older they begin to see it for themselves and become not so gulable. Even though I didn't HS my oldest until he was in the 9th grade knowing what I know now, I would give pretty much anything to go back and HS him from the beginning, and still believe he would have turned out just fine. Some children take longer to grow up and that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with them. I never thought DS would grow up and now he has a part time job in the loan dept. at a bank and they can hardly wait from him to graduate in June so he can work full time. His heart does get broken more than a lot of teens, but he is very forgiving and wishes and sees the best in everyone. Now, I didn't mean to make this about my son, but just wanted to offer hope and encouragement.

 

First of all, there is nothing wrong with those type of questions. You son thinks out side the box. And that's a very good thing.
I distinctly remember asking questions very similar and being made to feel stupid because the adults I asked didn't have an answer. I remember the first time someone said, "Oh, you just think outside the box!" rather angrily.
In all reality it may not occur to him that other humans have the same sensations physically that he does. Why should he? He's only aware of how his own body feels. It would be very honest to tell him that you make the assumption because your body feels the same way, but you don't have any direct evidence about others.
Be grateful it hasn't occurred to him to lie. If others lie to him, it's because they want to. And there are countless reasons why someone would want to lie to him. He needs to understand that we don't always know why others do what they do and sometimes we have to accept the fact that they did it.
He's asking questions to help understand.His perspective may be a little different but that's no reflection on his intelligence.
I also highly recommend the book "The Out-of-Sync Child". His uniqueness is very special!
Marty

 

Thanks for the responses, ladies.

Honestly, I have been thinking about going to a professional to have him evaluated for the longest time, but I daren't bring it up with hubby. It's an extremely sore topic in our home..

My son didn't talk until he was 3 years old! Well, he said Mommy, daddy, and peesh (please), and did understand what was being said to him, but his vocaublary probably consisted of no more than 15 words...he was always a very quiet child, and I convinced my husband that we needed to find out why he wasnt talking. After weeks of discussing (read: teary intense fights), he relented, and we went to a therapist who finally concluded that he was "a slow bloomer"....sure enough, he did start talking somewhere after his 3rd birthday and is quite articulate now.

But DH was terribly terrbly upset with me, and will still bring it up, so many years later, that I "didn't have faith", etc etc...Even though it has nothing to do with faith at all.

Also, with all the ADHD and ADD and Autism misdiagnoses floating around out there, I worry that professionals are often too quick to stick a label.

I actually brought home a book about young Albert Einstein the other day, and thought I was teaching them abt this great thinker, but then I realized it was for me that I brought home that book, to console myself that there truly are people out there who do not conform to our notion of what should be normal.

For now, I'm planning to put him into Martial Arts, and take him out on special outings alone, just the two of us. Explain things to him, be more patient...I think I need more patience.

PS: DH insists that there is nothing wrong with him, and he says that he was exactly like that when he was a child. I cannot verify that, but it is true that DH also sees things very differently than others. Obviously he is now a succesful adult, but his ability to think differently than the norm is what makes him sometimes outshine his colleagues..so...

But your suggestions are in the back of my head. Thanks again.

 

PS: thanks for the book recommendation, it's on my library order list now.

 

Meg~ I didn't mean to imply all professionals were clueless pill pushers lol. Or that they weren't needed at all. I meant that sometimes we are so concientious as parents nowadays that we worry endlessly and professionals do like to label things. Not everything needs a label or 'fixing' that isn't to say some people don't, just not everything, if that makes any kind of sense.

 

That makes perfect sense!

I do trust "a mother's instinct" though... The OP says she's wanted to have her son evaluated for the longest time, and she's probably right, if that's truly what her gut is telling her. If anything, she's more likely to run into professionals who will brush off her concerns and tell her she's worrying over nothing, than professionals who will blow them out of proportion.

My husband was dead set against having our son see a psychologist. I pushed. He decided to "humour me". Now that he's seen the results, he says he was wrong and I was right. (But he still won't go to any of the sessions.)

I think sometimes men can't see that their children are anything less than perfect in every way, and it makes them mad when you suggest maybe they aren't.

 

I think your son sounds very interesting. He thinks outside of the box. I would not hesitate to homeschool him. In fact, that may be best. You can spend time teaching him about social ques and issues in a secure environment.

You are the mom, if you feel he needs to be evaluated then have it done. He may be a bit out of sync, which is precious, or he may have a form of Aspergers or just be fine. I cannot tell you that. Follow your instincts...maybe just give him some time first.

 

Thank you all.

 

I have to say, from your description of your son, he sounds like an absolutely wonderful kid! I would agree, that your son does sound "different" but not necessarily "only" average intelligence (which there is nothing wrong with, anyhow). I am so glad that we are not all the same, I really and truly feel that it is our differences that make us so great. Most children have their "thing" which sets them apart. My DS (6 years old) is a health nut! It is really amusing to DH and myself because while healthy eating is important, it isn't our first priority. DH jokes that when we are old and feeble and need someone to care for us, that we are going to go to our daughter's because DS won't let him eat a cheeseburger. LOL

My point, though, is that we as parents need to embrace our kids wierdness (is that a word?!). I would encourage you to see a professional, because if nothing else, it might help to assuage your fears, but just know that it WILL be okay! <Hugs>

 

I have to agree with going with your gut. YOU know your child, if you suspect he needs to be evaluated then he probably should be evaluated. There is nothing wrong with seeking help.

I have a 19 yr old son with autism. I knew something was different when he was a toddler. He also thinks outside the box. He was evaluated by several doctors and they all came back with a "classic case of autism". Although medicating him was brought up, I refused. I was a stay at home mom, I would take all the time needed to work with him, and I did. It wasn't enough. By the time he was seven I went back to the doctor and asked to try the medication. I am no dope, I have a Bachelors in Early Childhood Education, and I knew something was not right and I knew it was beyond me.

The RIGHT medication made all the difference in my son. The only way to describe it is that he feels comfortable in his own skin. Before, the frustration level was sky high. No matter how much I tried to teach him social cues, and explain why people react the way the do, he didn't get it. Unless you have a child with autism there is no way to explain it to people.

For my son, medication was the right thing. I look back now and I feel sad that he spent the first seven years without it because of me. He NEEDS it to function. The same way someone with a heart problem or diabetes needs medication to function and be healthy. My sons quality of life is SO much better because of medication.

At age 4 my son could not talk, but he could read. If you asked him to point to a word in a book or on a chalkboard, he could correctly identify just about any word you say. He is extremely intelligent, although a lot of people would automatically assume he was below average in intelligence. When he was tested, his IQ is very high.

At 19, my son is a published poet, a creative artist, a college student, a compassionate, kind, sweet, FEELING adult. When I look back to his first seven years I remember feeling lost. Feeling my son would not have a quality of life that every parent wants for their child. All of my children have some sort of SN, yet his is the most severe and has accomplished more in life then I ever could have dreamed.

Do NOT be afraid of labels or medication. The label of autism has opened so many doors for my son. I did not homeschool him, he went to a private school for kids with autism. He has thrived, and because of a combination of parental suppport (although his father sounds a lot like your DH, in denial and clueless for MANY years, I have been the one push for everything) school support, a wonderful pediatrician, neurologist and yes, medication, he is what he is today. Be your sons biggest advocate and he will thrive.

 

Hugs to you!! I don't think he's average.. I think he's extremely inquisitive! I've never thought to ask "I wonder what that old man looks like". Plus whose to say he's not really mature in his thinking of honesty? I wouldn't stress too much! Try some exercises with him. You make a face and have him identify it!

 

Wow! You know that there are a lot of highly intelligent children who think just like him? I bet if you ever tested his intelligence, he would definitely be above average. He sounds like a great thinker who ponders on life's great mysteries which is such an awesome thing. I would love to sit and talk to someone who would ask such questions to force myself to think outside of the box as well! I wouldn't worry too much about his social thinking. Some children, like someone else had said, are just late bloomers. Many children are just more sensitive than others, and are much more pure in spirit. You must be doing a great job in raising him because he seems to focus on the positive instead of the negative and he truly sees the good in life. You are truly blessed to have such a beautiful child as your son!!! And on a last note, society puts way too much emphasis on toughening up our kids. If it were me, I would protect his innocence and keep him home schooled. The world can be horrible, and public school is hard on most kids emotionally. I think the walks in the park and martial arts would be a wonderful way to keep him social, yet protected. If more people were like him, this world would be heavenly!!!!!