I am a longtime HS mom, and can honestly say that I've truly enjoyed the privilege of being my children's teacher. However, lately, that enjoyment has really been dwindling because of the undermining of my ex-husband and his sister, in addition to my son really feeling the pull and pressure of "fitting in" and being normal (as his father tells him) by going to public school. He has parroted back to me what his father tells him, and it just makes me so sick and angry inside! I went through this for a while when they were trying to brainwash my daughter, but thank God she came to her senses after a series of events and finally saw them for who they are. I am a Christian who believes that we can take our burdens to the Lord, and He will help through whatever trials we face in life. But, on the day to day side of it, I am having a hard time sorting it all out inside of myself. The more I speak to my son of homeschooling being right for him, (for many different reasons including the fact that he needs one on one help for some of the subjects that are difficult for him, and the fact that he has trouble staying on task and focusing without getting up and down, talking/interrupting, etc.) the more he resists and says he has been "deprived". He basically threatens that he can't wait to go live with his father because life will be so much better. It's his father who fills his head with this stuff! Many days, teaching him has become more draining and stressful to me than I ever thought it would. He shows many signs of OCD, but has never been tested for this. Maybe he even has some SPD or ASD. He is very sensitive and becomes very angry and uncooperative whenever he is embarrassed, frustrated, angry, etc. He is also a very worry-ish sort of child. From the time he was a little guy we have been through weeks of him going through various cycles of worry from anything like something being broken in his body, to his dog not loving him anymore, to looking at the sun and thinking he will go blind. Sounds crazy, but it's true. I am nearly at my wits end with this all. The PCP has encouraged him to logically think about these worries and realize they are not true. He is very supportive of our homeschooling. I truly believe homeschooling is the best thing for my son, but I have been unable to find any reasonably priced tutor to teach even just the core subjects, or someone willing to work with me in the teaching of some subjects whom he would respect and not sass back to. I've looked for local farm "internships" for him as he LOVES farming and is a much better hands on/visual learner, and needs things to keep him occupied in a good, healthy, productive way. He was in a YMCA gym and swim class, but after a few years did not want to stay in it because of feeling too old for it, feeling odd and being picked on by other homeschoolers who, after a while, picked up on some of his quirks. He was in tae kwan do, but after coaxing and tempting by his father to join football and baseball teams out where he lives, my son decided he did not want to continue doing tae kwon do here with me, and I couldn't justify forcing him to do it for the price I was paying. We are coming up on summer when I am sure I will be confronted by both my son, and my ex about putting him into public school, and I just don't even want to deal with that hassle. I have no extra money to fight this stuff in court, and really feel at a loss as to how to handle it all. What are your thoughts?
(((hugs))) Lots to think and pray over. Is your son actually going to be living with his father? or is he referring to when he becomes old enough to decide? If he is actually able to decide to live with his dad, maybe you need to put more stock in allowing him to test the waters at public school. I'm not usually one to advocate giving a child his way, but if he is a teenager, he is old enough to endure the consequences of his decisions. You are in a situation where negotiating with your ds might be appropriate and for his own learning experience in the long run. He is likely to find that he is unable to tolerate the public school environment. More concerning to me is that it sounds like your son is not getting help for OCD, which he needs. I appologize if I misunderstood that part of your post. My Dh has OCD and the changes in how he feels on a daily basis were just too good to even comprehend once he got help for it. If you have not already, you need to get your ds help immediately so he can live life a free person. Many people associate conditions like OCD or depression as spiritual issues, but I disagree. Our bodies are imperfect and there are medication and therapies that can help. Once Dh got the chemicals in his body and his thoughts under control, he was then able to deal with his attitude and other spiritual issues that had been plagueing him. You may find that the OCD is the main catalyst to all of his struggling right now. (((hugs to you and yours!!!)))
You must be going through a terrible time. It is hard, isn't it, to try to homeschool without having the support of your husband or your son? I don't think I would be able to homeschool my twins if my wife and kids hadn't been 100% supportive. Having done a degree in psychology, I feel that Brooks has given wonderful advice. A psychologist would be able to help your son with his problems. Perhaps his problems are making it difficult for you homeschool him. After therapy your son will be feeling much better and may be more amenable to homeschooling. Another reason why your son doesn't like being homeschooled could be because he is feeling lonely at home. Perhaps he wants to have lots of friends. That could be the main reason why he wants to go back to public school. In that case, you can look for homeschool support groups in your area and arrange with them to have your son homeschooled with other homeschoolers. And you can give him lots of opportunities to mix with his friends in his free time too. If all else fails, if you want to have peace in your house, I see no other option but to send your son back to a public school. It doesn't mean that you have failed as a mother. In fact you are a wonderful mother. But the forces are arrayed against you. It is almost impossible to homeschool a child if his own father is negatively influencing him against his mother. In order to have a good homeschooling environment, there should be full support from the people we love. I know it sounds like defeatism. But there is only so much a single mother can do. I am thinking about you as I write this. I have read some posts by homeschooled children in my website and other forums who didn't like their homeschool life at all. One teenage girl from Australia wrote a heartbreaking letter to me that homeschooling destroyed her family and asked me what went wrong. My heart went out to her. You deserve a happy life, Kim Marie. It is not worth all the anxiety, worry, arguments and tears. You can always afterschool him. I feel the most important thing is for you and your son to build a closer bond and understanding before you try homeschooling again. Happiness is the most important thing. Once you and your son have that, you can solve all your problems together. I hope everything works out for you, Kim Marie. God is certainly with you in your trials.
Brooke - My son is referring to the time when supposedly he can decide, without court intervention. My new husband and I have been to FOUR attorneys who all are basically saying that by 15 - 16 years of age, the non-primary resident parent should acknowledge that the children have a say and can choose where they'd like to be and when. (My son is only 12 1/2 now, but old enough and big enough to surely experience the consequences of his own decisions!) My ex- husband refuses to accept this and still forces my 15 1/2 yo dd to go out there with him, and she goes because he makes things miserable if she doesn't. This is added to the fact that they have to deal with his drinking (he is a functioning alcoholic) while out there, and I've been all through THAT, too, with the attorneys, police, etc. Unless they are in imminent danger under his care, there is nothing that can be done. The children would have to call 911 for help if he was drunk, threatening, or abusive, then they could be removed immediately and a new visitation schedule, if any, would be set up by family court. For now, his sister steps in and smooths over any issues that come up with drinking so I can never have any specific incident that gives me leverage to take this back to court to change things. Because dd and ds are homeschooled, the court gave him Thurs. - Sun visitation every weekend except the third, when they stay with me, but he sees them for FIVE hours on MY Saturday. Ugh. The female judge was NOT happy that I was a SAH, homeschooling mother! She said I'd need to re-educate myself so that I could go out and work in the world and get a job. My husband and I have actually talked about public school being better for my son so that he CAN experience how it really is, and how it's not all fun and games as he'd like to think it is! But with the way the visitation is set up, AND the fact that my ex wants my son to school out there with him (which I don't think I'd ever allow unless it was to teach my ds a very important lesson that the grass is definitely NOT greener on the other side of the fence), I am unable to do anything really unless it goes back to court, or we work through a mediator. The children's father has a very hard time relinquishing ANY of what he sees as HIS TIME with the children to me. If I insisted that ds go to school here with me, that would still involve intervention from a third party because I cannot get anywhere dealing with my ex alone. It would have to be from a legal standpoint. I am very interested in learning more about OCD, beyond what I have read are the symptoms of it. You mentioned "attitude" with your husband, and boy did that click with me! My son's attitude is awful- very demanding, in your face even just with normal conversation, needy, hot tempered, loud and constantly needing affirmation about his worries, etc. I know this definitely tires me out on many days, and makes it very difficult for his sister and step-father to even deal with him and have a normal relationship with him. I have thought for a long time now that it seems like he is really overwhelmed inside, and that something isn't right in his brain processing department. I think you may be right about it being at the center of all this struggling between us right now. How is a person tested for OCD? I think I will definately bring this concern up with the PCP, of course, his father will be there too, and he's always blamed our son's worrying and such on me because "I expect too much of him and make him that way by how I've raised them to be careful, conscientious, etc." It's a bunch of hogwash. If that were the case, my dd would be the same way! I appreciate the thoughts you've shared with me! I think getting him help for OCD just might help out with some of the day to day issues I have with ds, and that he struggles with himself. I truly would SO ENJOY seeing him have a happy, positive change in his life!!
Kris - Sadly, there was a time when my ex-husband DID support our homeschooling (which is the only type of education my children have ever had) and was very proud of my accomplishments with the children and what they were learning. This all changed with the divorce nearly 4 years ago. He is especially obsessed with the mathematics part of their education being inferior and inadequate. This, of course, is because he is a math teacher (high school level), yet ironically he does NOT ever sit and cooperatively teach the children their mathematics when they're out with him for their Friday schooling. (His mother does all of their schooling with them.) In fact, he makes them so stressed, on edge and miserable over mathematics that they DON'T even want to give him the opportunity to work with them on it! My son especially freaks out and literally shuts down mentally when he is angry or frustrated while doing his school. Stuff that I KNOW he knows, he can't even figure out during the moments of stress. He'd definitely be in some special ed classes if he went to public school. Then that would come with its own teasing and stress for ds, who, as you read above, already has certain quirks. And the worst part of this is that my ex blames our son's "slowness" in certain areas of his schooling on me. I tell you, it's awful hard to go through life day to day when everything relating to or involving the children in my ex's eyes is always my fault! It couldn't possibly be the fact of his alcoholism, and the effects it's had on the family, how it effects the children, etc. I've really had an eye awakening experience through past counseling regarding how I was a codependent and an enabler while we were married. I can clearly see your point regarding friends and how this is important to my son. That is one of the main reasons why we joined the homeschool gym and swim program, why he took tae kwon do, and why we attend church whenever we can for him to socialize with both homeschooled and non-homeschooled children. I make it a point to schedule "play dates" with others his age, and even make him go outside to play with friends here. Even if at first he says he doesn't want to go out, or they come to the door for him and he tells me no, I make him go out and play and he ALWAYS feels so much better afterwards! His attitude and contentment level are much better, too. I must admit, though, that there are times when I feel these days we parent are always running around to try and accommodate the children when, back when I grew up, we entertained ourselves, found and played with friends on our own and kept plenty happy and busy! I do agree that the forces are arrayed against me and that it's almost impossible to homeschool a child if his own father is negatively influencing him against his mother. I would also agree that in order to have a good homeschooling environment, there should be full support from the people we love! It gets very tiring always combating things that are continuously being thrown at me/us. If it's not one thing, it's another! More than anything I would like a regular, happy life! Even if there's ups and downs, that's fine. Just not the ups and downs in addition to those that are always against me making things worse! There are days when I definitely think that, in my son's case, homeschooling is not worth all the anxiety, worry, arguments and tears. I know that I would still be involved in some form of teaching and helping him even if he did go to public school, and I'd be happy with that. Having a close, trusting happy bond with my son is very important to me, and I do try quite hard to not work against him with arguments, but to talk things through together. The more aggressive/angry a person is with my son, the less anything gets through to him, anyways, so I really don't take that approach with him much anymore. I'm a firm believer in recognizing that there comes a point in your child's life when they already know what is expected of them, and I will no longer "police them" to make those right decisions. They will have to suffer the consequences of some of their wrong choices. A wise woman once told me that the secret to gaining our children's trust, loyalty and admiration is not to force it by extreme discipline, rules and regulations, but to gain their understanding and capture their heart so that they will WANT to obey and follow you because it's in their heart to do so by their own choice. That is the goal I have with my children..... Thank you so much for your thoughtful insight and compassion. I'm glad there's a place where we can all meet up to share advice and help carry one another's burdens! How true the saying is that no man is an island....
I'd be happy to message with you about OCD. My ds15 has Tourette's Syndrome, which can also be linked to OCD, however my ds no longer has obsessive tendencies. Thank you, Lord! Ds takes not medication now, but he used to take the same thing my Dh did for OCD. You can start with his PCP to get a referal to a specialist. My son saw a child psychiatrist to be diagnosed with TS when he was 7. It was freeing for ds to be able to recognize that his issue was something he had--it was not who he is or anything he could control. The TS for my ds and the OCD for my Dh became something they could separate from themselves and look at from a different perspective. One of the therapies for my Dh was to actually vocalize during an obsessive or compulsive urge "It's not me. It's the OCD." Amazing what happens when a person realizes they aren't the problem, they just have something that affects them to take control of. So sorry your children are having to deal with a father with his own issues. In this case, I would think that your ds would be better able to work through any new diagnosis if all of his other areas of life stayed the same, like homeschooling instead of switching to public school. It sounds like he has ample opportunity to socialize. At that age, my ds went through a phase that is hard to describe. Suffice it to say, he seemed anti-social, full of irritation and rage, and all I can say is that we prayed over him and with him and loved him through it. At 14, he just seemed to literally snap out of it, mature and enjoy his friends again. Praying for your ds to get through this time in his life quickly and victoriously!
Dear Kim Marie, It seems that your son has enough opportunities to socialize. It appears that your son wants to go back to a public school because of the pressure from his dad. Your ex-husband is doing his best to make you look inadequate in front of your kids. I am so sad that your husband is making life so difficult for you and is the cause of most of your problems. He is mean man who I believe wants to make life miserable for you out of spite. Why can't he be noble and think about the happiness of his children? I am ranting, sorry. The best thing you can do right now, I feel, is to see a psychologist for your son. The psychologist will be able to help your son and there will be peace at home. Of course, in the end, it is difficult for me to form an opinion as to whether your son would be better off being homeschooled or public schooled. That is because I am not there to observe what is happening at home and whether it would be easy to homeschool your son or not. Your psychologist will certainly be able to advice you on that based on his firsthand observations. An acrimonious divorce is one of the worst things a family can go through. It is especially horrible for the children. They are having a hard time and it is not being helped by their dad. A good father will always think about his children first before saying or doing anything. I hope everything will be better for you soon. Happiness is just around the corner. You are halfway there by divorcing a selfish man. God bless you and your poor children. I will pray for you.
I agree with Brooke, I normal don't say this but I would let him go to a ps. But, it would have to be a school by you not the ex. Is your son in any homeschool groups? Sometimes that helps to see others his age. What about a pen pal does he have a pen pal? My girls had one for years and loved it. To talk to someone there age in a different state that homeschool.
hi! kim marie, i been reading this thread yesterday and now. i just can't get your story out of my head... i don't have any 2cents to give you, unfortunately. i just hope, by letting you know that me and i'm sure many others are reading and feeling for you (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) will just give you a comfort moment or two..... also about the old wise woman saying - i truly believe, with that kind of approach you been caring for your dc will go far for them and you will see. your kids will show you that they hear you when you give them a chance to allow them to show you. there's one tiny point i want to point out is - either homeschool or ps, can you have your kids with you instead of with their father? this is vital for your dc, IMO. good health and happiness.
