I am so frustrated right now. I have been homeschooling my two boys (ages 5 & 9) for 3+ years now and I still haven't been able to get into the homeschool social "in" group, for a lack of a better term. We live in the country, about a half-hour drive from anywhere with active homeschool families that I can find. Sadly, my kids have no close friends outside of visiting family. I've run ourselves ragged going to different activities and church, which really ended up as just that--activities. The problem is not only location, but my own personal issues with socializing. I am realizing that for my children to have friends outside of public school, I have to make friends and network, in which I have failed. Has anyone else worked through issues like this or have any suggestions other than just going back to the school system? :cry:
My boys haven't really made any friends at church, but I place that ball in THEIR court. Not to mention that they have each other and don't really need friends right now. Yes, they'd like them, but if I make a bunch of friends with kids and force playdates on them, they won't learn how to actually make/keep friends on their own. I wasn't so good at making friends when I was a kid, and my mom had a huge network. My house was always full of kids, but they never really liked me (nor would those kids have been my 'first choice' for friends, either!!). I see no wisdom in this approach.
I'm no expert, and my kids have only been home for the past school year. I'm also an introvert- and have social anxiety, so I'm not the world's most social person However- compared to the social interactions my kids had in school, they are 100x better. My daughter's best friends are... her cousin and me. My ds doesn't really have a best friend right now, but he plays with a variety of children. When my dh's friends come to visit, they bring their kids. When the little boy across the street is visiting, he comes here or our kids go there. I haven't found any social groups near us yet, either, but again the interactions for them so far are MUCH better. And they aren't always positive: ds was disappointed with his cousin, the little boy across the street can be a brat. But ds is much more patient with it all now, and much less likely to get frustrated and cry. We'll see what everyone else says... but personally I think the idea that our kids need to be around non-relatives for 8hrs a day, 5 days a week just doesn't make any logical sense at all. btw- I think my ds went through some serious peer withdrawal when he left ps. It was tough, but it made me realize JUST HOW peer dependent he had become. Now, he doesn't miss them, he listens better, plays better with his sister (and other children) and is more focused on himself, his life, and us. Dd didn't go through it, but then again she was playing with imaginary friends at school and constantly getting her feelings hurt, so she didn't miss it.
Don't worry Blizzard. I withdrew my kids out of public school and put them into HS, and now we are in a country where HS is an alien term. Apart from socializing themselves with kids in Sunday School, I always encourage them not to feel despair for not having 40 kids around them like in public school, rather they should feel more fired up knowing that ALL christian kids around the world are their friends, we are all in the huge family of Christ! Continue to encourage them to participate and serve in Church, from kids-youth-university....etc that they will always walk on the right path. God will take care of the rest! Cheers:lol:
We have issues over the whole "friends" thing too. My son has 2-3 kids, though, that he considers his best friends. To me that is amazing - he's only 8! At this age I think as long as they get to be around other kids that they like, it doesn't really matter if it's once a week or 5 times a week, you know? Just do the best you can do and as they get older your kids will try to initiate social interaction and you can allow/help that to happen as you see fit. Sitting in a desk with other kids around you doesn't equate to a large social life.
I wouldn't dismiss the benefit of siblings and cousins as friends. In fact, it might be even better, because if a friend ticks you off, you can dump her. If your sister ticks you off, you eventually have to work it out. My 12 y.o. daughter has grown more from having her 15 y.o. cousin live with us than she did in 12 years of play dates. Play dates do not develop the skills to maintain healthy relationships over the long-term--families do that. Personally, I think that's more important than learning to be the life of the party, KWIM?
Here is some food for thought. How did people from the beginning of time through the early 1900's manage to function without public schools for socialization? Many of these people were so far from town that they were lucky to meet with people even once a month. During the winters, those in the east sometimes didn't meet until after the warm weather returned. This is why they would have their huge week long parties. It welcomed winter but it also was the beginning of many months of not seeing people. Then they would have another gathering to welcome spring. Socialization is soooo overrated! I would rather my child have one true friend than dozens of acquaintances. If it happened to be a sibling, fantastic!
Totally agree with you here. Socialization with same age peers in school setting is overrated. I could name 50 reasons why but I'm sure you can guess. I would much rather have my kids be able to have friends of various ages, be able to converse with adults and relate to the younger crowd as well. To me, its part of being well-rounded and I think it adds to their emotional growth and maturity so much.
Another thing, Blizzard, don't give up. I understand your concerns with socialization. Personally I don't think putting them in a ps situation will solve that problem. They may be around kids all day but will they find a true friend? Will they be bullied? Will they pick up bad habits? Be happy? There's a lot to consider. If I remember correctly, this subject went around last year or so. A couple of the moms here talked about having their kids in ps but they were not invited to B-day parties, had been treated as outsiders, picked on, etc. They made the statement that being around kids all day did not get them any more friends and playmates than they had before they were in school. Something to think about...
I always think about what kind of person I am. I am an introvert, I have a few really close friends and that is it. I am fine as an adult and probably better that I don't have to be around people all the time. When the kids get older they will let you know with their actions if they need more time with "people" or if they need less. Right now my kids (7,5, and 2) are best friends with each other and their cousins that live 6 hours away. They are happy healthy kids. They can go play with other kids, but choose to play with each other. I feel as long as you don't keep them locked up for years at a time, they will do just fine. ; ) In my life I have my sister as a best friend, and three other ladies who are all 20+ years older than me. I didn't need to be with 20+ kids my same age I don't talk to people my age hardly at all.
Can I give you my 2 cents on the 'social stuff'? I have three, one went out for high school, he is socially lacking still. He has a lot going for him but does not think the same way the other kids do, has good morals etc. Even Christian kids have bad morals around here... Second went out in senior year , my plan to give her socialisation-- she was taught about mean girls. I wished I had not sent her out, but since then some of the younger girls who started hanging wiht her then have become her best friends, she has taught them not to be mean girls! Third, has not gone out, we joined the school for drama, that was--okay, joined a community for theater group, and POOF he is social boy, has girls calling that he says lease, I do NOT like you like that stop calling me. he knows how to get a girl to stop being mad too, by being nice to her Lol, h has guy friends too, they like games like him. He has home school friends, private school friends and public school friends, some how he gets on better with kids a year or two older than his age, I think its his vocabulary, but its nice! so it turned out my best social kid is my homeschooling kid. The other two are in college now and hser is still more outgoing. It depends on the kid seriously. I do understand sometimes kids need to go out though, but if its only for friends expect disappointment
I have not read the responses to this at all, so pardon my response. BUT...I would never put my kids back in school just for social interaction, at all. Especially the kind of social interaction they would get. I have kids that would be bullied - and others that would BE the bully. I can tell just how they behave with each other. As you consider this - how many of you are still good friends with a person you met in elementary school? I'm BARELY in contact with people I went to high school with, let alone elementary school. And with the exception of FB, i wouldn't even be in contact with them, probably. As long as they have the ABILITY to have social interactions (mental, social, not location availability). Do they shy away from others, are they part of the discussions, etc? Then I wouldn't worry at all. My kids have friends, BUT, I would say they spend about 80% of their time with each other.
Let me add this. We all struggle with finding true friends for life. I think that putting them in school in the hopes they will develop lasting friendships isn't the way to go. Do still associate with people you were in elementary with? I don't. My husband doesn't. I don't know anyone who does. Further my kids have PS friends and the things that come out of their mouths would make your hair curl! The ideas, morals and all else start to degenerate when you rely on kids to socialize kids. Having friends is good but not at the cost of their upbringing. Why not reach out to some of those homeschooling moms who you say are in the 'in' crowd. Tell them of your struggles, concerns, etc and see if some of them won't be more helpful in having their kids be friends with yours.
And it is good to have them together. Mine have been litterally stuck together for two and a half weeks while our truck has been in the shop so we walk to stores we play games together, they had been not even interacting with one another at the end of May, now they are totally in sink with one another. I have said it before my whole family changed the day we sent my ds out for highschool, not meaning to offend either but we let the world in and had to deal with more issues and still do , than we ever wanted to do so with. just be sure it is truely the right thing and don't be caught up in guilt if you have to , or even just want to pull him back!
Speaking of socialization in the early ages.. in most parts of the country, manners were necessary!! Men took their hats off inside, opened the doors for women, far more women had values that pertained to modesty and class... that's just to name a few.. maybe our society is TOO socialized. lol.
Have you seen the commercials about the kids ( actually adults) that are talking about how their parents are not living a real life because their parents didn't have as many friends as they did on facebook? I think she said her parents are finally up to 19 friends while she had over 600! While she was sitting at the computer looking at puppy pictures, her parents were out with a few real friends. She claims what she was doing was really living! lol I have a son in public high school. He is popular, everytime we go out somewhere, some kid always yells out, "Hey M( Insert son's name)". He is a good student and on the football team. He has always been like the class clown and loves to make people laugh. He could have over most of the kids in class ( grade level) but he only chooses to have one or two ( this has been all summer). Some kids just are not into the whole over socializing thing. I understand how you feel about trying to fit in with the homeschooling crowd. This is our 3rd year and I have finally realized that everyone that I have met in homeschooling is not in the same crowd! It took me a while to stop feeling like an outside to their world and realize that they were all in different worlds. ( I hope this makes sense). It also took me a while to realize that I didn't want to be friends with everyone I had met. One thing I did was stop waiting to be invited to things and started inviting people to things I was having.
Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. Sorry I didn't respond back sooner, we have been too busy enjoying the summer! My concerns are pretty hard to express in a short post. My biggest reason for considering sending them to PS is because I swore I would never homeschool them the same way I was homeschooled. My grandparents had their reasons, but they sheltered me to the extreme. When I went to high school, I did great and made friends, but there were all those lonely years I spent mostly alone that I don't want my kids to experience. Now my youngest seems to have inherited the shyness/social anxiety from me. He is terrified of social situations with large groups of people, including the church he has gone to his entire life. It is hard to say if going to school would help this or simply reinforce his fears. I really don't know how to help him with this issue. I'm trying to expose him to many different situations, hoping that he will gain more confidence and eventually grow out of this clingy/scared phase. My oldest, on the other hand, is outgoing and loves being around people. He would love nothing better than having someone over to play and chat with every day. I really did have this homeschool image in my head that I wanted to achieve, which included them having friends other than just family. It makes me feel like a failure that I can't provide that for them. In my heart, I know you all are right, in that ps isn't the answer. I guess I need to be reminded of that more often. It is just so hard not to keep second-guessing myself.
