What do I do for my daughter? How do I teach this child? This child stood in front of her 1st grade public school class (a year younger than the other students) and informed the teacher that you CAN SO take a bigger number away from a smaller number, you infact, would then have an answer in the form of a negative number... She says this on like her third week of being there... at age 5 1/2 when other kids are between six and seven years of age. A week later, she informs her teacher that she is right handed and left brained and that meant she was very analytical and learned a lot of facts and figures easily. FFW... she participated in public school for 2 1/2 years, always feeling out of sinc and starting to grow more and more disinterested. She has thick, curly hair, which she hates, has developed pimples, is becoming a young woman early in life, and just all around hates who she is inside and out. She is angry all the time at her younger siblings, she's hateful sometimes toward them even. She is selfish and cannot STAND to hear us praise her brother especially. We pulled her and homeschooled her 2 yrs ago because she was so depressed and would just bawl about everything all the time. So, we started by using mostly online stuff... which she started skipping through and not doing... So then we went to actual hands on curriculum... which by the way, she is gifted and could have taught me her sixth grade work last year when she was 8... but just would sit for hours refusing to do the actual work... She enjoys the stories and any thing that gets her 100% direct attention from me... but ANYTHING that requires her to do independently is like I just asked her to murder her best friend. This year, at 9, her first chapter of 7th grade material, she can correct me on if we are working together, but she has been getting between 55%-75% on all of her work she does on her own. I'm at a loss. If I back up and give her more age-appropriate work, she is totally and completely disinterested... if I try to assign her this level work, but maybe accept she still isn't mature enough to DO that much and assign her half or even a third of the work... she works even slower and doesn't accomplish it at all. I asked them to write a story to put on the wall for a "daddy open house"... my 7 year old produced a story that was 4 pages long, he skipped lines, wrote neat enough to read it, most of his sentences were structured ok, his words were either spelled perfect or at least a pretty good try...His story itself made sense. His sister, three grades ahead of him... produces work that sounds like half her ideas out of her head because she just doesn't want to take the time to write the other half. Her handwriting is getting worse, not better, she is misspelling a lot of words she probably spelled right 2 years earlier, the story doesn't really make sense because she is thinking things she's not writing down because she just point blank doesn't want to do it. So, she keeps writing hit and miss on the ideas in her head... We have tried strict discipline, gentle reminders, her taking control of her own work, assignment books, timers, visual progress aides (like crossing out subjects and assignments as we go), rewards, etc... and I'm not hopping from one idea to next, we have given each one as much consistency as we possibly can.. she starts anything new out ok... but after a few times she just gets worse. Now, socially, she is awkward... and that was in Public School as well. She takes everything the kids say and do to extreme. She won't brush her teeth or care for her body properly... she was even pooping her pants until last year if she was playing outside or just plain too busy to get there on time... pee too. She has stinky breath a lot, but doesn't care... she won't wash her face... getting her to touch her hair with a brush without being scolded a hundred times first is a miracle. YES, I've done all the charts and such as we can possibly do... I am at a loss. so... do I keep pressing on, or do I bring her back down and make her do fifth or sixth grade math all over again because she refuses to do her 7th grade math right. ((her mistakes are silly ones... LOL!, she gets the hard stuff right!)) For example, she often misses what operation she's supposed to be doing... or doesn't write it neat enough and doesn't borrow and carry right because it's so sloppy. Or she'll just try to rush and write down that 5 plus 2 is 8 instead of 7... Oh, and she's so desperate for praise and recognition that she admitted to feeling like Cain tonight when I praised her brother for something. She says she feels like we unfairly praise him and not her.... but how do I praise the junk she hands me??? She knows as well as I do that she is not making any effort and that her attitude is so poor. We have tried to talk about this, on an equal level... I don't know what to doooOOOOOO!!! *head bangs on desk* LOL! I'm really at a loss. Part of me is tempted to just ignore her... tell her, fine... you don't want to make an effort at school... just go sit on the couch while your siblings do school... and then ignore her... But here's the thing... she can win at this game... because I am required by missouri law to teach her for 1000 hours per school year, and she can sit there and pick her toenails a lot longer than I can stand having her sit there and pick her toenails.. (we are talking DAYS!!! WEEKS!!!)) aaaaaaaaaaaaah Ok, at least I feel better... geez this is a long post!!!
Personally, I think she's bored. I realize she's working ahead of grade level, but it sounds like she needs more challenge. It sounds like she's giving up because "what's the point", and she's acting out for it. At 9, it's normal for her not to really care about her appearance. (Pooping in her pants is another story, but appearance, no.) I don't remember really caring what I looked like until I was about 11-12. I remember having to be reminded to brush my teeth or brush my hair. I remember being told 50 thousand times to take a bath. I was a kid and felt I had more important things to do. Have you ever had her tested to determine her learning style? Do you know what her favorite subject is and why? She might not be responding well to the curriculum she's using. She may also be regressing (with spelling and such) for attention. How much one-on-one time do you give her each week aside from school or chores? (Like a movie or shopping or playing a board game alone with her)
My own ds (who is 9) must have me sitting with him. I don't really have to help him, he just needs my company. I can read a book, watch tv, whatever I want to do (but I need to be sitting, not cleaning!). JUST having me there helps him. Some of it, for us, is personality. He is very extraverted anyway, and gets cranky if he doesn't get enough interaction (spend 15 minutes with him, though, and he's good to go). Some of it, imho, is from ps: he was trained in a group of ps kids, used to noise and busyness when he does his schoolwork. It's harder for him to be in the right frame of mind if it's too quiet. Not sure if that will help you... I love the ideas you have, but thought I might throw that out there since your dd sounds like my ds when he hasn't gotten enough direct attention.
Not to throw a major negative at you, but has she been tested for a vision problem or a reading problem? When you were doing her schooling with her, were you doing some of the reading out loud? She sounds extremely bright, but it also sounds as if she's frustrated with school at this stage and that frustration is manifesting itself as an "I don't care" attitude. The hygiene matter is probably partly her age. A friend of mine (with twins!) got to where she would ask them to brush their hair and teeth directly after breakfast and meet her back at the dining room table for math in 10 minutes. For each minute they were late, she added five math problems. It didn't take long before that became a routine that they did without asking. Just a thought. Sorry you are dealing with this! MT3
Thanks ladies, it helps to hear these things. Reading is advanced... she wears glasses for nearsightedness... which is what I have too... it affects seeing far away not reading up close. I do sit with them...we have an actual school room/family room, and my desk is right beside theirs. I'm teaching a lot of the stuff hands on, but as soon as I walk away from her, she's staring out window, tracing the lines on the floor with her toes, etc... LOL! And I only walk away about ten steps to teach her brother his math or something. My three year old gets the least attention from me because I'm always having to sit with her. My poor preschooler is getting short changed. And I can't set the preschooler next to us with anything because my daughter wants to do her preschool work instead. My one area that is difficult right now is spending time with them one on one other than school... I'm getting ready to start an overnight position possibly full time, so that's going to get even harder. I wish their Dad would step up and spend time with them, but he doesn't like to even let one tag along on errands with him. He's a pretty disinterested Dad, which is not helping my kids one bit.
Wowzers... I think I would stop pushing her to succeed in school for a bit and focus on loving her. Reminding her that she needs to take care of herself because one day she is all she will have. Mom can't be there forever reminding her about this, that and the other thing. To be honest I read your post and heard a very frustrated Mom. I get that we all have been there. Having a Dad who isn't helpful doesn't help either because that zaps you more. Take her out to a girly spa day and spend time one on one. Explain to her that looking good and being clean makes us feel better on the inside as well. And if she really dislikes her hair go to a hair place and see what can be done to make it more manageable. The teeth brushing thing I get. But I am at the point where I do tooth inspections after brushing. If I see they are dirty I march them back to the bathroom for another attempt. Self esteem and self worth sound like they are two big obstacles you need to work on now before puberty does hit. Also pooping can be a sign of other issues. Does she go regularly, is she ignoring her bodies signals, or does she experience the sudden urge without warning. All of these are things that should be talked about even with your doctor. And maybe a visit to the doctor to see if it is early onset puberty. I would think that would be very hard to deal with emotionally as a child of nine. As to school let her work at her own pace. Don't compare her work to her brothers. I know my DS is way ahead of others his age because he thinks ALOT...too much sometimes And that it can put him behind in other areas because his mind is too active. So I don't push I think letting them get there at their own pace is important. Especially when they are smarter because sometimes it takes awhile longer to fully digest the information they are given before tackling the work. I also now that sometimes they move forward and then take two steps back. Thats part of the reinforcing them with review. So if you feel like she is lagging in her creative writing then let her come back up to par in her own way. Sometimes in school too much is put on creative story telling. Let her make a news article or some other creative idea instead maybe.
If she feels like she's not getting praised but her brother is getting all the atta boy's and she's getting the short end of the stick so to speak, maybe you need to look harder to find things to praise her for! Show her that her hard work is important too! Even if all you can do at first is to say "good job staying focused" after she's worked diligently for 5 minutes! Or "hey, that's some great handwriting there on that word!" Seek out little things to praise her for, and soon you'll find yourself praising her for the big things! Also have you ever read "The Five Love Languages of Children?" it helps explain why children feel the way they do, and that each child speaks a different love language and in order for that child to feel loved his or her love "meter" needs to be filled with love in his or her language. It helped me to motivate my son better at school knowing his language.
I really feel for your child. It is so difficult to just know things and feel so frustrated that you are surrounded by those who just can't get it (other students) -- her behavior in public school makes me remember my feelings there. Aaaargh, I hated sitting there listening to people trying to read aloud and already be to the end of the page or book myself. Or to hear bogus math, knowing more (those negative numbers) .... My son has always been the same. My feeling is, why is it so important to write stuff down all the time. My husband and I agree on most things yet he still gets a little miffed that I don't make the kids do every single math problem on the page, etc. Well, if I know they can do it, why torture them? Why not move on to something more challenging? I would ask myself why it was important to me for her to write down whatever. Example, the story. Maybe you could let her tape an oral story. It sounds like she is very frustrated by the "steps" to do things. It's difficult 'cause people point out to me "the world doesn't work like that" and my kids will be required to do book work blah blah. So I know eventually they'll have to, but for now I just want them to learn, I don't care how. Oral reports, narrating back what she knows, those are great ways of measuring knowledge. But you have to give yourself permission to be okay with that, which is difficult if you went to PS and are used to doing things a certain way. I guess basically you have to find creative ways of dealing with her education, instead of anything remotely like someone would do it in public school. Obviously THEY failed to find the right approach, so more of the same (bookwork, copywork, paperwork, anything like that) wouldn't be right for her either. Does she get as frustrated if she just had to answer questions orally or describe something back to you? As for the hygiene stuff, I agree quite a few kids that age are rather careless/ambivalent about teeth, face, etc. Can't really help there at all.... sorry. We tried to be nice about it, but I'm sure my kids would tell ya we stopped being nice and started being drill sergeants. So I guess it made up for my not being, um traditionally pushy about the schoolwork. Does any of this make sense? Sometimes I don't explain things well and end up sounding really annoying!
I agree that some one-on-one time with mom might be great. What IS she interested in? If she is very advanced, take some time and let her focus on things she loves...art, music, a sport.... whatever. As for early development....Both of my older girls (now 13 and 10) went through full puberty at 9. Both developed pubic hair, breasts, and started their periods at nine. Acne comes along with that. It is very hard for a nine year old (who is still a kid) to start taking care of herself like an older girl would do more on her own. For my girls, there were (sometimes still are with dd10) constant reminders to wash faces and put on deodorant. DD10 hated the idea of a bra (which she HAS to wear) until I took her to pick out cute colorful ones. I spend twice as much on the tween pads, because my dd10 loves the colorful packaging, and it makes her less frustrated to use them. (She's on the small side and still in girl sizes, so the regular ones were like diapers for her.) Sometimes, making it seem special and girly makes them less resistant to their bodies' changes. Make sure she knows that you are open to talking to her about these changes.
((hugs)) for you and your daughter.. I think I would take the advice of others and focus on letting her know that she is loved. She is obviously going through a very akward time in her life. I have a son who is extremely unmotivated with his schoolwork. I've been so irritated with him that I find myself being only negative towards him. I have recently decided that I was going to try really hard not to pick at every little thing, but only the important stuff. And I'm focusing more on showing him that I am proud that he's my son and I love him. You would not believe the change in his attitude these past few weeks!! Seriously, He is smiling more and has been such a pleasure to be around. I can actually get him to do his chores without a HUGE attutude that lasts all day. And when he is scolded I try to be more gentle with him. He is sensitve and it doesn't take much to correct him. He wants to please me but I had been in a situation where I was aggrivated with him all the time and I held grudges against things he did earlier in the day so MY attitude was what stunk. With the way it was around here I was angry with him ALL THE TIME. NO matter WHAT he did. And he felt like "What's the point". May as well act up since she's already irritated. Since I changed MY perspective, He's changed his attitude.. Hope this made sense and helped.. Angela
These suggestions are terrific and helpful... I wish we could afford to spend extra money on hair salons and fancy teen products, but that I don't have. A small part of the reason I'm glad I home school is so my kids can easily wear thrift store clothes without getting picked on!!!! I will re-evaluate the work load, but in the past, I've offered to let her do half the problems or even 1/3rd (math) and she gets worse not better.... There is a lot of good advice and suggestions... many of them we've thought of before, or tried before, or still do... like we do praise her as much as we can... tell her all the time how she amazes us... Thanks ladies, I'm still listening... and thinking and praying.
Angela, your post was so helpful! I want to thank you for sharing. I'm thinking that may be what we are going towards, too. I try to be positive, but get worn down so my attitude is building up negatively too. She's my oldest, and I was hoping that she'd start being a blessing and a helper around here, instead of always fighting with her over small stuff. I'm the mom, though, so I'm the one that needs to change it.
I don't know how to navigate your state laws, but if it were me and my child this is what I would be stopping to ponder. What is the final result I want to see when my daughter is ready to leave my home? When my time to pour into her is over? That usually helps me gain perspective. What I want is for my children to know the Lord--who He is, and who they are in response. And for me to have a relationship with them that is close and trusting, our hearts being knit together. I will not be devastated if my children leave my home without knowing calculus or without the ability to diagram a complex sentence. But I will be devastated if they leave here feeling lost in the world, unsure if there's a God who loves them, and carrying a box of hurts because they never felt their mom "got them". How those big-picture questions are answered by you is going to look different of course. But still... my guess is you will benefit from taking a moment and giving yourself permission to explore those questions. If there were no state mandates and societal expectations--just temporarily freeze them long enough to get in touch with your own heart--what would YOU say is the ultimate goal for raising and training children? And how can you achieve that? That is your starting point, your foundation. So then the other stuff is added and built around it. Of course we want our kids to be able to support themselves financially, to know enough of the world around them, etc. But if the foundation isn't in place, the rest will collapse. But I gotta say, the one thing I don't think you need to worry about is this child not being able to aquire the knowledge she needs in this life. When she decides she needs to know something, she sounds like she's wired to go find it, learn it, and stand confidently in that knowledge. So... why must she do 7th grade math? What does she need most? It sounds like her brain is fine. Advanced even. But her heart is another matter. She may feel that knowing and understanding more than anyone else her age still hasn't been enough to earn the love and attention she needs. (I'm not saying you don't love her, I'm reflecting back what I think her behavior is saying that SHE feels. Not that it's true. You obviously love her to pieces!) She might wonder where her finish line is. When is it enough? Schooling-wise, I would try some unschooling or living books methodology with her. Not worksheets and assignments. Her brain doesn't seem suited for it and it frustrates her and you both. Maybe try taking 2 weeks and letting her know she doesn't have to do school at all. But provide all kinds of books for her to look through if she wants. She's not in danger of falling behind. If she wants to do the preschool work, LET HER. Maybe she would enjoy being your Teacher's Aid and helping her younger sibling with that. Until her heart is in it, she's not going to make progress anyway. And something like that might give her a sense of a special bond with you which seems to be what she is seeking. If she just wants time with you, and even if her need seems to be greater than it should be, try to give it to her. As much as you can. Try it and see what happens after that two weeks. Oh, and you don't have to go to a fancy salon to have a girls day spa. Make your own! =) Mayo is a great deep conditioner. Oatmeal and avacado make a fantastic facial mask. Baby oil (or olive oil, etc) mixed with sugar or salt is a wonderful scrub for your hands and feet. It sounds like you could use the pampering yourself as well! You have a difficult and frustrating situation on your hands, no doubt. It won't be easy. Take heart! I for one will be praying for you and your family.
