Not sure if this is the perfect place to ask, but I really need advice on my daughter who is once again being excluded from yet another party. Normally it wouldn't be a problem, I'm getting used to it, but her brother is starting to get annoyed about it. So my dilemma is: we've been friends with this group of homeschoolers for about 9 years. My daughter is 14 now and always been a bit quiet. However, during book club and other activities the kids seem to enjoy her company. Other moms have told me that everyone is happy she's interacting and that their kids think she's so much fun. But repeatedly they have sleepovers and parties that she's never invited to and they all discuss the events in front of us. The real kicker this time is that she recently dog-sat for the girl in question because the girl was worried about leaving the dog at the kennel. They all seemed so grateful and just "knew" my daughter was the perfect one to take care, blah blah. I know one reason is that my daughter is quiet and also that the others are all into boys and my dd is sooooo not. I don't want to force anyone to include her, but now my son who is friends with the older siblings really wants me to find out what's going on. He is very protective, but he's sat back and watched this for several years now. He was ok with it when she was younger, but he says there's just no excuse for it anymore. Do I talk to the mom quietly and at least find out why? If there's a reason -- like if they think my child is socially backward or something -- I feel like I need to know to help HER. I do know they all think my kids are super smart and talented and quiet. My son thinks maybe they think something is ... well, wrong with her. Sorry for the long post. Blame my newbieness!
My Faythe is a social misfit! She is 15. Rachael is 17, and is everyone's best friend. We've discussed Rachael including her sister when she does things, like Rachael goes swing-dancing on Monday nights, and Faythe has been wanting to go. But Faythe is just a bit immature, and people don't really give her a chance. DH and I were counselors at camp for a week, and she would sit by herself at meals. I would try to encourage her to try to get to know the other kids, and she simply doesn't. She'll go somewhere, and take a book with her, then hide in a corner with it. Sorry I really can't offer advice; I've no idea how to deal with it. Plus, I don't want to push her on her big sister too much; Rachael needs her time away from her!
If you've been involved with these homeschoolers for 9 ears, I would definitely talk to the parents and see what's up! Sorry your DD is dealing with that.
Could you possibly invite some of the 'friends' over to your house for a sleepover first? Then perhaps next time one of them will invite her. If not, then I'd question their sincerity. 9 years seems like a long time to never invite someone to anything if they are truly friends.
I agree that as Mom you have the right to ask. It may be they haven't noticed their own inconsiderate behaviour. And it may also be that because your daughter is quiet that she doesn't fit with the giggle crowd entirely. I do sympathize as an adult who is rather quiet I have always had a hard time fitting with other Mom's. Except here of course
Why doesn't brother ask the friends what the problem is? does he try to include her? or why doesn't she just ask them what the problem is? what does she have to lose? they don't sound like real friends to begin with. after that I'd ask the parents but wouldn't truely expect that to help the situation.
Does your dd feel excluded, or is it bothering you more than it bothers her? I was just curious if she prefers not to keep company with them anyway. I think JenPooh has a great idea with first hosting a sleepover if she is comfortable with that. If there is a good chance nobody would show up, then obviously I would not put her through that. Regardless, I'd talk to the moms in your group. You have known each other long enough to be able to address this; however, it has been going on long enough that many parents would just assume their kids didn't want to hang out together and would be ok with that. Praying for this to get worked out in a way that feels good for your dd more than anything.
I've learned that alot of times if my kiddos were excluded it was usually because of different personalities. They just aren't going to click. Their are soooo many people in this world and we don't always connect with each person. Ask you dd how she feels, maybe she doesn't connect with them either. If that isn't the case then I have to agree that they have been rude in excluding your dd.
Here is my experience: in our hs group, there are a group of girls who all have similar "tween" interests, tastes, styles,etc. and one girl who still plays with Barbies. She doesn't understand why she doesn't relate well to the other girls. The other girls don't include her as much simply because EVERYONE feels awkward when she can't keep up with the conversation. They feel bad for her, but they just don't know how to integrate someone so out of their element. Maybe these girls know your daughter is quiet and they aren't comfortable trying to draw her out. It's actually alot of work to make a quiet person feel accepted in a group, and teens aren't known for expending that much effort. I would suggest talking to other moms, but also , I would let your daughter know she may need to take responsibility for her own "people skills".
Thanks Thanks everyone. I think it probably does bother me more than it does her. Though she is the type not to complain so it's hard to tell. As for her brother, he not only includes her but they are best friends. He plays guitar and she plays bass, so when the other musically inclined guys get together, he makes sure she plays with them. He's so upset about this latest thing though that he wants to end some of his friendships. I know they have nothing in common with her and I don't expect her to be included all the time. I guess I'll have to at least ask what's going on. Thanks ya'll! I do feel better after everyone's comments.
Thank you! You know, that's a great way to look at it. You are so right. I'm so grateful they always have each other.
My oldest could care less if she went to anything it never bother here but it did me. I think more she was never invited. but, she is a loner. Sounds like he is a wonderful big brother... we all need a brother like him.
I was an awkward kid and although it hurt to be excluded it was often more painful to be at an event where I had nothing to talk about with the other girls. Another issue I had was ADD and, I'm becoming increasingly convinced, a CAPD. I did not pick up on social cues. I did not understand how to enter or start a conversation and when I had nothing in common with the other girls, that was of course, made worse. I don't mean to suggest that your daughter has those issues only that certain people skills are sometimes beyond the reach of a child for a time and need some maturity. I really wouldn't push this. So what would I do? I'd look for other local groups where there might be kids with similar interests. If she likes animals it might be 4-H or if reading is her thing maybe there's a teen book group (or you could help her start one) at the local library. Maybe even a local high school would let her attend some of the extra-curricular clubs. Then, within a context she's MUCH more comfortable with, she can start to develop those social skills she needs.
Thank you. I'd never really thought about it, but she has mentioned to me that she doesn't really know what to talk about with these girls who are all boy crazy, etc. Or even with her grandparents, she doesn't really know what to say and always looks to me or her brother to "talk" for her. We try not to but it sometimes is easier just to help her.... I think you are right, it probably would be more painful for her to be somewhere where she felt out of her element. And that's a shame, 'cause when she is comfortable she is hilarious and so much fun. Thank you for your insight. It really makes me feel better about what's going on.
