More and more, dealing with my 13yo is like dealing with an irritable, impatient version of my husband. He's taller than me. He shaves. His voice has dropped. And he TALKS to me like his dad does! Case in point - the other day I was frustrated by something on the computer. My son leans over, grabs the mouse, and says, "Pay attention! I'm going to show you this once. After that, you do it for yourself." :shock: Another example - I was mad at him yesterday. He'd been assigned 100 math questions, but because his teacher had told him that 50 correct questions would get them a grade of eighty percent, he'd decided he would only do fifty of the questions. Because of course, MY son never makes mistakes. (I really miss homeschooling, when it was all about learning not grades.) I told him to do all the questions. He argued - loudly. I told him I didn't give a flying flip about the grades, I wanted to see effort. Eventually I had to threaten to bring his dad in on the issue, and finally the boy backed down and did his work. And... while I'm thrilled he's cooking, it's getting disconcerting how enthusiastically the boy has taken over preparing dinner this past couple weeks. Now he wants to cook dinner every night! I love the break, and it's adorable the way he sings in the kitchen when he's cooking, but he seems to think his cooking is better than mine (well... it might be, actually ). And he's acting like HE's a chef, and I'm just a housewife. My son's a great kid, and I don't mean to complain. It's just... I don't really know what to think. He's overwhelming right now. There's a lot of testosterone in the room, when he's in it.
The good news is, he will grow out of this. The bad news is, you may not allow him to! JK! I remember that stage with my oldest. He's 22 now and will readily tell you how much he respects me. I like him a whole lot better now.LOL I can't remember who it was on here that called this the Rooster Phase, but that is as accurate a term as I've ever heard. My 9 yr old ds is showing some beginning signs of it and I am much quicker to correct it (I learned my lesson!) than I used to be. Dad also has to be a HUGE participant in this correction. Two days ago, I asked ds to apologize to his sister for being bossy. I explained to him that if he was man enough to give orders, he should be man enough to apologize. His response, (picture cocky posture, sarcastic sneer) "The man who gives orders should never have to apologize. That is not what men do." It was by the grace of God that I didn't beat that child with a stick! Oh yeah, that whole attitude that mom is hopeless and it's a good thing he's around. Driving me nuts!! Right now I am incorporating some Christian manhood studies using a book called "Raising a Modern Day Knight" . Also some old fashioned discipline. I'm hoping to avoid the worst of it while keeping my own self-esteem intact!
Oh my goodness! :lol: I can just picture it - and I'm very impressed with your self control! I think my head would have exploded if my son had said that to me. I really appreciate hearing from someone who's been there, done that! You're right about the knocks to self-esteem. Thankfully, my husband said he'd talk to the boy, so that should help! A friend of mine said she thinks the children don't appreciate the leadership role I play in this household. She says the dynamic between my husband and me is too subtle and a lot of stuff goes on that they don't see. I'm not sure what to do about that...
You have reaffirmed my decision to sleep through my kids teenage years.... Mind you, I don't have teenagers, my eldest is 10. But I was 11 when my brother was born, and my sis-in-law was 11 when I married her brother, so I have, at least, seen it more than just at the grocery store. And actually, watching my mom and my in-laws handle their kids has given me some ideas on what I want to do differently (but I do know that being in the situation is always a whole new perspective.) That said, my new favorite line might well become, "You do NOT talk to me like that." Or, slightly different, just repeat whatever elicited the response. And when he repeats his disrespect, say, "I'm sorry, I didn't hear your response. I'm sure it wasn't disrespectful." tbh (that's 'to be honest'), though, the thing that stuck out most in your post was It will be very difficult to change how he talks to you if he is following his father's example. Even having your dh talk to him won't set the example like your dh speaking to you respectfully would. Still, you might considering talking to dh about the disrespectful way he has been speaking to you (which is what I'm getting by reading btw the lines, and I'm sorry if I'm misinterpreting) and telling HIM you won't stand for it. At least then your son will see that you are blanket refusing to be accepted. As for dinner...by all means, let him cook. In fact, why not take it a step farther? Let him plan the meals, tell him "we have this much budgeted for dinner" and let him shop for at least the dinner foods. If he makes a snide, "better than burnt biscuits YOU made last month" remark, again with the, "That is not how you speak to me." But otherwise, by all means encourage him. Good luck.
See... I wouldn't say his dad's disrespectful to me... He's very kind, and protective, and he cares deeply about his family. He NEVER cuts me down or talks mean to me, he just gets, well... bossy. Tries to tell me what to do and how to do it. And while I can tolerate that from him (I'm quietly stubborn, so it works out), it sure doesn't sound right coming from my boy. I'm also thinking maybe the kids just don't get why their dad always ends up changing his mind... For instance, say one of the kids puts her new iPod through the wash. It's not working. My husband, feeling that good money has gone after bad and his gift wasn't properly appreciated, will rant and roar and announce NO MORE IPODS! EVER! I'll let a little of this go on and then I'll say, "Honey, I think she's got the point." "No, no she doesn't!" he'll say. "Yes, she does." Then I'll take my daughter down to her room and tell her that we'll put the iPod in a bowl of rice and see if it dries out overnight. I tell her to stay out of Daddy's way for a bit. Then I go back upstairs and ask my husband (who is pacing now), if he'd like to take the dog for a walk with me. When he's calm I'll point out that his daughter is feeling unloved and could really use a hug when we get back. "Okay," he'll say, "But NO MORE IPODS!" "Of course," I'll say. At which point he'll accuse me of wanting to buy her a new one. "It was an accident," I'll say. "So how about if she saves up her money and gets the next one herself? It'll help her remember to be careful." He'll grumble, but eventually he'll agree. So when we get back he'll hug his daughter and tell her he loves her, regardless of how many expensive devices she torches through her carelessness. He'll tell that we've decided she's buying the next iPod herself. And then the next morning he'll wake up saying, "I'm going to buy her a new iPod! Today!" :lol: At which point I'll have to talk him down, or she'll end up with not only a new iPod, but a Kindle as well. He can be a big mushball. Fortunately for our budget, the rice works, and the old iPod starts playing music again. I can't help wondering, though... do the kids realize the role I play, or do they think their dad makes all the decisions in this family? After all, he's the one that announces them all. Maybe I say, "Ask your father," too often, too... On the other hand, he hates feeling like people are making decisions without him... My friends tease me for being too "traditional" in our family roles. :roll: Oh... that's a great idea! One of the things I've been worrying about is that his fancy meals cost a lot more than mine do. Boneless, skinless chicken breasts are ridiculously expensive, and I don't even know what half the ingredients even are. I love the idea of having him search for them himself and budget! Thank you so much! I'm going to get right on that. :love:
I intepreted it the same as you, Meg! But by the time I got to this thread, the other responses showed me it wasn't meant like that. BOYS!!! I had challenges with my two step-sons. Dh would ground them, and then forget about it. So the next day, they would want to go somewhere, and he'd say yes. I would step in and ask, "But isn't he grounded?" "Oh, yeah! That's right!" So who's the "bad guy" now, but the wicked step-mother! So I learned to mark on the calendar whenever the boys were grounded, and he learned to check the calendar first.
Jackie, I'm confused! What did you interpret the same as me? :lol: But yeah - BOYS! Had an awful morning with him, and ended up shouting, "BE POLITE!" out the door after him as he stomped off to high school. He'd insulted my eggs! The very eggs I make specifically FOR him, because he said he hated all the other kinds of eggs I make! I wanted to throttle him. But then he came home and didn't fuss over his homework, and volunteered to make an absolutely amazing mushroom soup for dinner. All his own spices! He can't explain how he did it - just said he kept putting stuff in until it "tasted right". He wasn't snotty about it either... I said, "I'm glad I got the low sodium broth for you." He looked really worried, "It's not too salty, is it?" "No, hon, it's perfect." The expression on his face... gosh, I love that handsome boy! :love:
I didnt read the other responses, but here is my take. Kids LIVE what they LEARN. Your son has witnessed your dh behaving in this manner and it is learned behavior that he assumes is acceptable.
The problem is, I don't have an issue with my husband saying, "Come here and pay attention, and I'll show you how to do (whatever)." That's not inappropriate coming from him. But when my son says it, it feels like he's trying to command me. I don't have an issue either with my husband saying, "I'm going to rake the snow off the roof. I need you to come outside now and hold the ladder," and expecting me (within reason) to drop what I'm doing and help him. But my son...? I feel like he should ASK me, not tell me. What feels right from my husband, feels bossy from my son. But I don't see that my husband is doing anything wrong...
