My oldest child is 18 (19 this month) and in college. He will be attending his college's homecoming dance with a girl that I have not yet met. My son is a commuter student but does not have his own car (dh drives him every morning). My son's date lives on campus and does have her own car. She expected that she would drive herself and my son to the dance (half an hour away on major highway). So far, I have always said that my kids are not to drive with other teenage drivers (she is 19), nor will I allow him to drive other peers. I think I should stick with that. I've read about too many tragedies of kids in cars. There is a bus leaving from the college to the dance for free. I think that's a great option. I've also offered to drive them both. Right now the way it stands is that I'm driving my son, and she is driving herself and some of her friends which feels really odd to me. But I don't want to be pressured into letting her drive. How do people handle this kind of situation? When is old enough to allow other young adults drive my children?
I don't expect to still have the same requirements for my children by the time they are that age. I think her driving the two of them is fine; however, you know the young people involved and the situation. If you are apprehensive, there is always something to be said for a mama's gut feeling.
I would think that it would be rather embarrassing for an almost 19 year old to be driven to a college homeschool event by his mother, separate from his date. Is your son ok with this arrangement? You are supporting him, and he lives in your house, so you get to set whatever rules you want. I'd just weigh very carefully what rules are important and which are not, because rules that do not recognize his maturity may force him to seek his complete independence before he is completely ready. Certainly a rule that you feel with keep him alive is very imporant; however, a young man needs to be allowed to accept reasonable risks. I'm guessing your son would not date an irresponsible young woman and that neither would consume alcohol. Those two things, for me, would bring the risk into the acceptable range. If I were in your son's place, this rule would unlock the door to some ugly rebellion. Of course, that was me as a teen, and my mother knew me and dealt with me accordingly. This is your son, and you know him, so you will deal with this accordingly. Good luck!
I tend to agree with the others, although I don't have a child that age. I think at that point I'd have to let them go without me. Then again, I moved out at 17. I got into all sorts of mischief but also managed to keep an apartment, buy my own groceries, and hold down a job. My parents didn't think I was responsible- quite the opposite. But I did it anyway.
I also agree with Alice's post. If there has not been any reason to doubt your ds's judgement, then these types of needless restrictions tend to lead to rebellion of some sort.
I think there are two sides to this answer. First, if there is a bus option, and your son is willing to ride there, I think this would be better than you driving him. If his date still wishes to drive herself and other friends, that's up to her. My son and his friend (16 and 17 respectively) have a lawn-mowing job that requires them to travel to their jobs. I have ridden with both young men, and gauged them to be responsible enough to drive each other to these jobs. (We set ground rules with DS. Anyone riding in his car will 1) wear a seat belt; 2) not be disruptive- no yelling "Stop!" for fun, etc I think you're bigger issue is maybe that you have not met the young lady yet and don't have any personal opinions of her. (If your son asked her to the dance she will probably meet several of your "pros"). Is there a way you can meet her before the dance? For a cup of coffee or soda? It may not change the driving situation, but you will feel more comfortable. I'm "reading" that if your son is almost 19 and a college student, he is probably old enough to assert himself if he feels he is in a dangerous situation (i.e. calling for a ride home if his date and her friends were to drink). I would be willing to give both of them the benefit of maturity, and allow them to ride together. My two cents (without having met either of them)!! MT3
I think you need to consider whether there is really a significant difference between what this girl's driving is like today at nineteen versus what it will be when she's twenty [which will be less than 1 year]. I can't imagine the difference would be significant. Now, I can see where there would be a significant difference between a 15/16 year old's driving and that of a 20 year old. At 15/16, you're just learning to drive. But, by the time you're 19/20, you've probably been driving for around 3-4 years. That's not exactly a newbie. If she hasn't got a history of traffic tickets or car crashes, then I'd let him ride with her. The word 'teen' is just that - a word. It doesn't really indicate anything about the person in terms of maturity or ability.
When we've hosted high school aged exchange students, I implemented the same rules my mom did for me when I was a teen. We must meet and approve all drivers with which they ride. The students were allowed to ride with some of their friends, but not others (based on what we could tell of their maturity). Only one thought that wasn't fair (the one we had to have relocated because she was a nightmare). I thought my mom was more than fair in her similar judgments of my friends. [Of course, I also moved out at 17 for college and was no longer under my mother's rules by then. Which brings me to another thought: what would you do if he wasn't going to college close to home? What if he'd chosen an out-of-state university? Would you have forbid him from leaving campus since you weren't there to drive him?]
He's almost 19. He's a legal adult. It sounds like it's time for some adult responsiblity. I really don't think you are doing him any favors by continuing to chaperone and chauffer him around. Not to mention how embarrassing it would be to show up at a college function with your mom. you talk about the tragedies we've all heard about concerning kids and car accidents, but I don't know a single person, regardless of age, who hasn't had an accident at least once. The drivers arent all young teens. he is just as likely to be in an accident with you as he is with anyone else. These are college age adults. At what point do you allow him to behave like one? Reading back over this, I can see it sounds a little.. harsh. I don't mean to be offensive. I've just seen alot of rebellion stem from overprotectiveness. Personal experience. Maybe I'm biased.
My (19 year old) son would be content for me to drive him where ever he needs to go. Occasionally his friends will pick him up and I'm ok with that because I know them and I've preached to him over and again NEVER to get in a vehicle with anyone who has had even one drink (legal drinking age here is 19 which is why I emphasize that with my son). I've told him if drinking was a part of the picture for him to call me to pick him up - I want to know that he's safe. At 19 years old we need to trust that we've given them the valuable life lessons they need to make sound decisions on their own based on our teachings. Talk to him again about drinking/driving and ask how he feels about the whole driving thing... doe she want you to drive him? Does he trust the other driver? Do you trust the other driver? Is there a plan "B" and "C"? Hardest thing you will do as a parent is let your child fly on their own... I'm doing it now and it's so hard but they're stronger than we give them credit for. If you hound your son too much or are over protective of him (as I tend to be with my boys) you will drive him to rebellion and you don't want that. Sorry I don't have a clear answer for you
I was living on my own by 18, so I can't really relate. I would regularly take off for weekends with my friends, camping and going to festivals. I didn't drive, so I was always riding with someone else. I have very fond memories of those days. I guess, for me, it comes down to how your son feels about it. Some young adults are very close to their parents, and don't mind extending the child-type relationship into their adult years.
Okay, thank you, everyone. We've heard you. Last night I told my son he can go with the girl driving. (Yes, we tend to be on the overprotective/interfering side.) But what about my second son. He'll be going to his high school homecoming dance with a girl that is a senior and a driver. She wants to drive my ds17 and I say that an adult (either me or one of her parents) needs to drive. Reasonable?
I'm glad you decided that way, and hope they have a wonderful time. I agree with the others. A teen dance (high school) is a different situation, and a parent can drive to and from. (There is usually a curfew involved, etc.) MT3
