Dear MIL.. Thank you so much for all the chaos you have caused here lately.All the questions from 8 year olds who wonder where mawmaw is.. We sincerly appreciate your lack of communication and total lack of relationship in your grandchildrens lives.. Thanks for NOT calling on their birthdays. And then giving a lame excuse as how you had to work. You live only 20 minutes away but we never can get ahold of you and your grandchildren think you don't care. I really appreciate the fact that you called the day before Lyndseys bday to make sure her bday was the next day and promised to call her then but we have yet to hear from you. It's been 2 weeks and your sweet 8 year old granddaughter is STILL running to the mailbox in hopes of getting even a card from you to show that you still think of her. I'm sure you had to work.. Yah, work is always first.. Family last.. We totally get it.. But don't be surprised when your grandchildren grow up and move out that they have nothing to do with you!! Don't expect a spontanious relationship after all the years of you being too busy for them. Ps.. DON'T expect us there for Thankgiving OR Christmas We are busy with FAMILY!!
Family is precious and my world totally revolves around mine.. Be it my kids, spouse,my siblings, parents, or grandparents. Family is number one.. Tried to get close to hubby's side and we get pushed to the wayside.. It's just not a good feeling and I really wanted my kids to have a relationship with their only grandmother left. Guess that's not going to happen. So glad that my older 3 have memories of my mom.. They know the love of a grandma.. Even though she wasn't perfect they knew they were charished.. I just really don't understand why someone would put a stupid job and friends before their grandkids.. And then in the same breath say that she wished she would've had grandkids before kids...That they are so much more fun.... HUHHH?? You don't even KNOW your grandkids.... I'm so sorry, I've been stewing over this ALLLLLLLL day long.. Hubby said that she could kiss his butt.. And not that nicely either. I don't want him to feel that way about his mom. Makes me sad..
Wow. I guess you have to talk to the kids and explain that we don't get to always choose who our family is. I know it sucks to have to explain to a kid why an adult who should care doesn't. Case in point. My Aunt the only relative nearby to us says to my sweet son after he told her he loved her. 'Yeah whats that worth?' He looked puzzled and she went on and on how money was far more important then love. Hmm I hope she is warm at night wrapped in her money. I will take cuddles with my sweet kids over all the money in the world anyday of the week. PPPPPPPP <-------thats me rather maturely sticking my tongue out at her lol. (((hugs))) We really just have to do the best we can and be thankful it isn't worse.
I think that we tend to have an expectation that everyone values the same type of expressions of love as we do. I think I would be more like your MIL; I don’t remember birthdays. I do remember my children’s, but my nieces and nephews rarely, if ever, see a card from me. I don’t value cards as an expression of love though I do recognize that some people do, and I TRY to remember to send those people one, however, I fail about 50% of the time. My family loves me, my husband and my children and if we needed anything, they would drop everything for us. However, we don’t see each other as much as some families do. We don’t remember each other’s birthdays (usually) and we stopped buying gifts in connection with any occasion long ago. At Christmas, my children will have tons of gifts from my MIL and none from my mother. They know that it is not a difference in love, just a difference in the expression of it. Also, my family and my husband’s family have differing ideas about the role of grandparents. My family sees grandparents are dessert with the parents being the main meal providing all the children need. The grandparents are a bowl of ice cream—a special treat that if enjoyed too often will may you spoiled and fat. My husband’s parents, however, initially thought that they would have more of a presence in our child’s life than I had envisioned. Our first clash came before she was born. I didn’t want anyone at the hospital while I was giving birth, and I really wanted them and everyone except my husband to wait until we got home to visit. This was highly offensive to my MIL. I tried to explain my position to her, but she just said, “Well, my family just isn’t that way.” She spoke the truth. I had to compromise. She came to hospital 12 hours after our daughter was born. My own mother, however, waited till we came home to visit, because she understood my request; my family is “that way”. Another thing to consider, is that mothers of sons may feel like they have to walk a fine line with their DIL. There is a natural tension between the two, because each family has different expectations. My mother does not visit her son’s homes as often as she will visit mine. In her mind, the home is the domain of the wife. She feels that she needs an expressed invitation from her sons or DILs before “intruding”. She comes to visit me; she intrudes upon them. See the difference in thinking? She also feels a little freer with my children then with her DIL’s children. She doesn’t have to worry about doing the wrong thing with my children, because we are generally on the same page and she’s sure that if she did, I’d tell her. On the other hand, she isn’t on the same page with her DILs necessarily, and if she offended their parental authority in some way, they probably bite their tongue but harbor resentment. Anyway, I don’t know your MIL; maybe she really is a pill and doesn’t care. However, just consider the possibility that it is a difference in “ways”. It is my philosophy to deal with people as they are and adjust my expectations accordingly.
My family doesn't do birthdays and all that stuff either. No cards or gifts and usually not any phone calls. If someones in trouble though we will drop everything and go way out of our way and bend over backwards to help, whether it's car trouble, job losses (I've lived with my sister twice in adulthood) or letting someone take your car for a week even if you have to share one with your spouse and it's difficult or teaching your son to read despite the many many hours it takes. I don't know your family of course, but I think the above response is a good one. Everyone is different. You make sure that your daughter feels loved and let her know that's not Grandma's way. Even if you feel that she is not caring towards your children you don't let on that you think so although I'm sure you never would. Sometimes subtle things slip out accidentally around here though. That's another way I'm thoughtless. Things slip out and often I don't even mean them in the way they are taken.
(((hugs))) My own mother posted a pic on facebook today. Heading: my family. In the picture: her mother, father, bros and sis. I don't think she has a single pic up of my kids. She makes supper for my sister's family constantly, visits weekly... We see her every three months, and I can't recall that she's eaten with us, let alone made us supper. If I didn't call her, she would forget we exist imho. She usually shows up for the kids' parties, but doesn't call on birthdays. I can't remember the last time she seemed to remember mine. Otoh she remembers all her neices and nephews. dh and I feel like our kids have ONE grandparent. I see it as a larger picture of my childhood though. I spent far too much time alone, and it's easy to see why I came out of that feeling ignored. In the end, the family you created with your dh is the one that matters. kwim? It is so incredibly sad, though. I can't imagine not making an effort with my own kids and grands.
I guess I have to deal with what I have.. My daughter is begging to go and see her. Maybe I'm going to have to be the one to make more of an effort. Maybe she feels like we don't care about her?? I am irritated with her but maybe she feels the same way for the same reasons.. I sorta feel bad.. I think I'm going to HAVE to find a way to get my kids involved with her. Even if it means taking them to see her at work. She's all smiles and showing them off when we do go to her workplace.. She cares.. Work is just important and I guess she feels like family will always be there but she has to keep work a priority because it's not a guarantee???? Just my thoughts. I've been scrubbing walls in my kitchen and thinking about it. That's my conclusion on the issue.... I'm probably not doing my part on making sure the kids have a relationship with her.. Feeling bad now..
NOOOOOO!!!! You must be one of those special people who are both blessed and cursed with a sensitive spirit. Blessed because you empathized deeply with others, and cursed because you feel your own hurts deeply. I really doubt that your MIL's lack of involvement is due to her feeling neglected. Some people just require more work to be involved with...that's all. I have friends whom I love, but I always have to initiate contact. When we are together, we have a great time. They never turn down an invitiation from me to get together. I think that they are just single-minded people who find it hard to think beyond that which is right in front of them. They are the way they are.
While I can relate to what each of you has said, and see this situation from the various points of view, I have one important thing to add. If we as adults often find it hard to understand a person, or find it difficult to know just how to interact with them, how can we expect our children, who, in my opinion are generally accepting and understanding of most things at face value, to come to these conclusions being discussed here within themselves? While we may have "a difference in ways" of how we interact with others, I think it's especially important that we recognize the value of going out of our way to do what may not come natural to us in relationships when it involves children. Children are very impressionable, open, generally loving and thrive on praise and affection. They don't, for the most part, have hidden agendas. In short, they are very "simple" little people. You don't have to jump through hoops to gain their love, see a smile, hear their laughter or be wrapped in a great bear hug by their welcoming little arms. How often have we heard stories from grown adults about feeling unloved, neglected or worse yet, unwanted as a child? Or how they really loved and looked up to somebody, only to be let down time and time again by them. They speak of how these childhood feelings often follow them into adulthood, and have long-lasting effects in their lives that they've struggled to overcome. If we could see our lives and actions through the eyes of a child, we would no doubt realize very quickly how often we have fallen short of meeting their expectations in simple little ways that really don't take a lot of time and effort on our part to fulfill. In my opinion, I think we all should work a little harder at spending more time with the children in our lives, whether they be our own sons and daughters, or nieces and nephews, grandchildren, or even the children of our friends. They are the next generation, growing up in a time when the world and it's economy is troubling, uncertain and unstable. There are many more distractions and temptations bombarding them than I believe we ever had growing up. They'll need all the help they can get to grow into happy, healthy, emotionally stable and physically able adults who are prepared to meet the future that lays ahead them. I for one would like to know when all is said and done, that I had some small part in making a difference in the lives of the children around me. What they experience today, will become a part of who they are and what they will become tomorrow.....
I agree. I would also add that a number of years ago I declared unequal relationships (where I was doing 90% of the work) just NOT worth it. I understand people have other things to do, I get it. But I don't have time or energy to chase people around. We have our own life, as well. That isn't said in a spirit of selfishness or bitterness. I accept that they have other obligations. But so do we- and we aren't going to beg for a bit of time kwim? Anyway.. (((hugs)))
I don't know what to say, except that I know how you feel to a certain extent. I am not with my son's father. His parents live over an hour away and have little money, so I don't expect a lot, but... I would think they could afford a letter once in a while. They do like it when we visit them, but they never call him up and just see how he is. I have often wondered if I were to give them some money for the long-distance if they would call him. They treat us nice when we are there and they don't even treat me like an outsider (so that is good). I just wish maybe a couple times of the year they would make contact.
Ok, I don't have time to read all the responses, but know I understand where you are coming from...Last year, my first ever thanksgiving at my house, my mother called the day of thanksgiving (which she was bringing some food to) to tell me she wasn't coming...because her dog might get cold she lives 10 minutes away also!
*hugs* I have a split family. My ex-husband's family is very close...*too* close IMO...his sister was 11 when we were married and she felt neglected because my inlaws, who lived close, were constantly spoiling their grandkids. It's easier now that she's in college, but I know she felt resentment. My parents...my dad forgot my fifth birthday. I've now accepted that, for my kids' sake, I will call my parents (they are divorced) on my kids birthday, walk into the room my kids are in, and say, as my mom/dad picks up, "How sweet of you to call to wish <child's name> a happy birthday! Here, I'll get him/her!" and pass the phone. It upsets me but...I try not to show it to my kids. I tell them when we are in town or passing through (in the case of my dad) and try not to feel resentment when they don't want to see my kids. This is the biggest point for me: my parents, I think, didn't particularly enjoy being parents. I know they love me. But a big list of "what kind of mom I want to be" came from what my parents DIDN'T do when they were raising me. And now I'm building a "what kind of grandmother I want to be" from how they grandparent. Which doesn't help now but /shrug makes me feel more committed to who I want to be, as well as who I am. *hugs*
